Coping with deafness

You and me both .... My DH refuses to discuss this matter. It is extremely tiresome especially when one is asked to constantly repeat stuff. At this point I speak louder and slowly but am then told "not to shout".

My DD also refuses to have eyes tested. At my insistence he had them tested approx 25 years ago. It transpired he had a stigmatism. So he has one pair of glasses which he only wears perhaps 6 times a year if he's driving at night !!
So guess who does the driving on a night out?

Vanity pure and simple

Many friends have noticed these two problems. I gave up years ago discussing either problem ....

I have been offered hearing aids on several occasions. I have, like many people my age, lost some of the high frequency sounds. Also my OH has PD and speaks very quietly which compounds the problem! I have trouble hearing people if I am chewing!

I tried the aids and had a problem that I have neuralgia on one side of my face and the presence of the aid was actually painful. Unfortunately it was the side that most needed the aid. I decided to wait it out a bit but plan to go back soon.

It is quite important to go to the same place each time so that a proper record of deterioration can be made.

When I was trying them the audiologist set them low and gradually ratcheted them up a bit. I was amazed by how loud my stick sounds!

My slight reluctance to use the aids also relates to the fact that we have just moved from a silent world in the wilds of the country where there was no sound at all; and now we can hear traffic noise from the garden and I am not all that enamoured of the idea of increasing its volume!

This article may help you, but really he needs to find out how useful the hearing aid(s) can be hearinghealthmatters.org/betterhearingconsumer/2016/talk-person-hearing-loss/
How to Talk to a Hard of Hearing Person
1.With the same respect and courtesy that you accord to anyone.
2.Ask the person with hearing loss what would work best for optimal communication.
3.Get the person’s attention before starting to speak. It’s difficult to catch up when tuning in halfway through the first sentence.
4.People with hearing loss need to see the face. Make sure the light is on your face, and that nothing is obstructing their view of your lovely eyes and mouth.
5.Communication Calisthenics: Keep the head up, minimize head and body movement, keep mouth clear of hands and other objects, keep mustaches trimmed and lose the gum, food or cigarette.
6.Speech should be clear and at a normal or even slightly slower pace. Do not shout; this is painful to the ears and visually distorts the words, making speech or lip reading difficult. You also run the risk of looking mean.
7.Facial expressions and body language should match words, helpful when a tone of voice can’t be heard.
8. Eliminate background noise, whenever possible.
9. If asked, use assistive technology: computers, text interpretation, captioning, FM systems, and amplification.
10. A reminder – ask the person with hearing loss if the communication is working for them.
These are the basics. There’s an advanced course in Effective Communication for People With Hearing Loss, but this will do for a start

As a result of the Bren gun carrier which he was in being blown up during the Normandy landings my husband suffered hearing loss and Menieres disease. A Harley Street specialist told him the giddiness of the Ménière's could be controlled by drugs but nothing could be done about the hearing and an aid would be useless. However he went to the Royal Institute for the Deaf and came home with a selection of aids to try. The one that worked was the old cumbersome NHS one. The size of a packet of cigarettes that had to be clipped to his shirt. In spite of deteriating loss of hearing he was able to do his job as a representative until he had to,retire in 1977. He died in 1987 before digital aids were invented and there were no subtitles available on TV .
His favourite joke was that a market trader was selling hearing aids for half a crown. "But it is a bit of string". Oh, replied the trader, you tie a knot in each end, stick one end in your ear and the other down your shirt and everyone shouts when they speak to you."

I loved the joke about the market trader !! My OH was a gunner in the Royal Navy, and lost his hearing some years ago when he was working ...(I didn't know him then !_ He said he always had difficulty in meetings, etc as he could not hear ..so I persuaded him to go for a hearing test when I met him when we lived in Menorca ...excellent service from the Veterans service ...arranged for a hearing test via the British embassy's consulate ....then, as his hearing loss was about one degree less than that required to qualify for the war pension, he was awarded a lump sum ....then, amazingly, after we had paid 3,000 for a digital hearing aid, we had a leaflet advising us we could claim the cost back as his hearing had been effectively 'lost' in the armed forces .......so we had that paid for as well ! However, he refuses to wear it, saying it 'makes him feel old' (he is 84 in February) ...and is now complaining again he cannot hear ...like others on here, it is, of course, MY fault ...I mumble, I shout ....etc etc just like you all ! He still has that expensive hearing aid, but sadly I cannot find anyone to service it ...it is a Binatone and the service centres are impossible to find ...and we cannot afford 3,000 for another to sit in a drawer ......so I suppose I will just have to keep mumbling (!) ......like you, the tv is turned up so loud I can stand in the field next door and listen to the news ........but I don't want to have to do that ....he has to have his tv in another room so I can at least close the door and then maybe can hear my own tv programmes ! Our doctor gave him a letter to take to the hospital hearing specialist .....last year or the year before ...he still will not go ! What hope is there ?! When I go deaf , if I do, it will be fun for the neighbours a mile away listening to our tv !

Oh dear. As sad as I feel for my DH, who is also very deaf, I feel sad to have lost so much as a couple. Things are not funny if you have to repeat them several times. We don't listen to music together any more and once he takes his aids out at night I can't talk to him nor in the morning. I feel tired from constantly repeating myself and sometimes don't talk at all unless I have to. He has had two pairs of expensive hearing aids but has now taken to using the NHS ones as he says they seem no different. He feels isolated in company as he says people talk to me but not to him so I feel I'm constantly worrying about people not talking to him and I try to involve him in the conversation but that is short lived. Even family around the table is difficult for him. He can't understand our small grandchildren and says everyone speaks too fast. We watch TV separately unless it's a foreign film with sub titles but won't have those on if its in English. He often gets angry with all of us and looses his temper with me. As I said I am sad for him but also for myself. It has spoilt so much for both of us. I do all the things suggested by others. Our youngest daughter also wears aids and is a teacher. She manages so well with lip reading, reading body language and awareness. But even having brought up her my husband finds deafness terrible.

I am trying hard with my aids as I have been told that if you don't wear them then your brain 'forgets' various sounds that it can't hear and you will never hear them again, aids or no aids. The NHS consultant advised me against buying private aids as he said there is nothing available that is better than you will get through the NHS, plus private aftercare is expensive. I am sure others will hasten to say differently and I don't have any experience of private aids, but the NHS ones seem pretty good to me.

I do find TV impossible to listen to at times. We bought an expensive soundbar which made little difference; after the appalling 'Jamaica Inn' last year that nobody could hear, there was much written in the media about the very poor quality of TV sound recordings, and evidently there is much complaining all the time about the low standards. Sometimes I have to turn the volume to maximum to hear, other programmes only need half volume, and most significantly I never miss a word of a news bulletin as the readers speak good English, face front and speak up!

I also had this problem with my elderly dad, it seems to be a generation thing, dad associated deafness with being stupid. Dad was far from stupid but he was stubborn. When we moved in to help care for him we had a loop system installed so he could listen to the TV and radio via his hearing aid, this was provided free from our local deaf centre. Good advice given about the need to wear hearing aids from others. From what I remember from med school, the cilia in the ear (tiny hairs that waft sound waves into the inner ear) if not stimulated will die off and will not regrow.

My husband is the same but now when I really want him to hear what I'm saying I say it twice anyway. I think he gets into the habit of saying d'what? but miraculously hears what I say now without repeating yet again. I think sometimes it can be a 'man' thing.He also wears the NHS aids but they exaggerate some sounds and distort others.

I bet if you had hearing aids you didn't wear he would go on and on about it. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I can sympathise with this situation, my mother wont wear hers says they make background noise louder and she doesnt want to hear traffic etc. I hate taking her shopping as I have to shout to make ehr hear and people stare. Then there is the safety point of view I have to make sure that she knows her dosage of her pills, if shes heard the doctor wrongly she might not read the instructions and take an overdose or not enough. I end up repeating myself again and again. I cant give any advice on this its wearing me out.
My sympathy to anyone with this problem. Older people can be so stubborn.

Good hearing aids + Headphones so he can hear and I'm not deafened by the tv - saved our marriage

I now have two hearing aids but I don't wear them all the time, only when I think I might need them such as at church with the loop or at meetings. My DH has one hearing aid, he still can't put it in himself but in fact hardly ever wears it. This drives me mad. I say something, he says 'Pardon?' but if I don't repeat it immediately he sometimes realises what I've said. Other times I have to say something several times and I end up shouting it at him or I'm so fed up I tell him it's not important. Both of which make him cross.

Oh cayuga123 you are so right. All tha spontaneity of chatting disappears,and you both become very isolated from each other, it is a great pity.

I have an NHS hearing aid in my left ear. The audiologist said the loss was mild.I needed the TV louder than others, and I also sometimes had to ask people to repeat what they had said. So far the NHS aid has been fine, but I suspect this may be because my loss is at the early stage. However, to compound matters, OH has PD, which has affected his speech, and it can be difficult for everyone to catch what he is saying at times. He is adamant that it is my hearing, of course!

I have some NHS hearing aids that I got from Specsavers. I must admit I haven't persevered with them as much as I should have for 3 reasons:
1. When I wear them, people's voices sound 'tinny' and all the background noises (e.g. water in plumbing, traffic noise) seem to be amplified more than the voices.
2. After less than an hour, my ears get very itchy and irritated.
3. I am embarrassed that I need them. Even though I now wear glasses and am fine with that, for some reason, having hearing loss is less 'acceptable'. I never told my husband I had them ('luckily' he isn't very observant, so has never noticed when I have worn them).

Has anyone else had the problem of the inner ear getting irritated and would private hearing aids be better in this respect and also at amplifying speech rather than background noise?

Although my husbands deafness meant that we couldn't do many things together such as listening to music or socialising very much we learnt to live with it and count our blessings. Two lovely children. He was always making jokes. Couldn't have a row because he would turn his aid off. We were in love til the end and I miss him so much even though it is twenty nine years since he died. Those who grumble about their husbands are lucky to still have them.
My hearing is not too good now and I have to use the subtitles when watching some dramas or films.

I've worn hearing aids since childhood and now have only 10% hearing left so I do understand the problems faced. I can only manage conversation on a one to one basis so if a third person joins in I cannot follow unless they are clear speakers and face me.
I wonder why there is so little sympathy for deafness and people being irritated when a deaf person is struggling to follow a conversation. Do blind people get on your nerves as well?

I think loss of hearing is a bit like a mini-bereavement, you have to go through denial and anger before you finally come to acceptance and seek help. I had many years of having to repeat everything for DH, being accused of mumbling all the time, TV up uncomfortably loud, his reluctance to go to social occasions. I hated it when travelling, I would want to share experiences with him eg 'look at that bird' etc and by the time I had repeated it, the moment was past.
Eventually a combination of his children and grandchildren got to him, and he went off for a hearing check. Spent some of his savings on digital aids which fit inside the ear, the only visible bit is the fine wire, which looks just like a grey hair, running out of his ear to the tiny behind the ear controls. I can tell instantly when he has forgotten to put them in, and so can the grandchildren, who have no hesitation in reminding him.

It is a relief, because he couldn't hear what the little ones were saying, and when he was looking after them, that was a bit dangerous. It has transformed my life, I had got to the stage of ceasing to talk to him about anything but essentials because I was fed up having to repeat everything. Do ask others to explain to him the benefits of using aids, because he probably won't take it from you!

With regards to the TV being too loud try swiching on the sub-titles. My elderly mother discovered them many years ago when they were first available and it made such a difference to the enjoment she got when viewing. This also helps when programmes have very broad regional accents.

Here in Kent we have a charity called HIKent which supports people with hearing loss to get used to their hearing aids and provides other equipment such as louder telephones, doorbells with flashy lights, vibrating alarm clocks etc.

I would suggest whether you have something similar in your area that could support you both

DH has very bad scarring of his auditory canal on the right side (repeated childhood infections and one very traumatic syringing) and consequently there is no lumen for a hearing aid to be put into. He has had a specialist one made but he hates it and it hurts him and basically I am very frustrated with having so say everything twice if not thrice but I am trying hard to understand how much he hates it too. Our real problem I think is that he is not actually listening to me- not sure what we can do about that.

grandmakt I have the same problem as you, particularly the itchiness and irritAtion and the amplification of distant sounds while not always helping me hear conversation when more than 2 are present. Also sound is distorted and is tinny. I tried but failed I couldn't get on with it and have not worn my hearing aid for a long time. I manage ok but struggle when others are talking nearby.
My husband wears his every day and has no problem other than professing not to hear almost everything I say and he is less patient with me if I fail to hear what he mumbles ...? My children all say I should wear my aid, and I would if I felt it helped, but I don't think it does.

Silverlining48, may I make a suggestion about your hearing aids as I have a life time of wearing them. If you are experiencing itching and irritation, it's possible you may be allergic to the ear mould material, and you could be issued with a non allergic type that might make all the difference. While you are with your audiologist, tell him about the problems you have hearing, even when wearing your hearing aids. Modern Aids are digital and can easily be adjusted in Audiology and it could make all the difference.
It does take time to become accustomed to the different tones and sounds so it's worth persevering with them. They are expensive instruments and it's a pity if you are not getting the best from them. Please give it another try.

Thank you mrsmopp, wouldn't have thought about an allergy. I have already mentioned the other problems I had with them and they were adjusted but conversations were still tinny and the amplification of nearby sounds was very disconcerting. Will check it out next time. Thanks again.