Hugs but no kisses

I have a best friend who is male, we have known. Each years before we both enyered into second marriages. I have never ever thought of him in any way but as a friend and as for a kiss....ug! You can have male friends but if you think of them as anything more then you should walk away and stop it before someone gets hurt

Two's company - three's a crowd !!

I'm sorry but if I was the wife I would be telling you in no uncertain terms
to get lost

I wonder what your reasons are for starting this thread?
Validation? Approval? Confession? Was it intended to prompt a discussion on fidelity or on relationships in our senior years?
I suspect you wanted people to KNOW how you feel but of course in RL you could not admit to this state of things without causing real damage to your friends.
Or perhaps it is all still in the realms of fantasy , look but don't touch, lust after but don't risk action.
I think you sound a very lonely lady and I sincerely recommend you look at your life and what you can do to become more involved in your community with a wider group of friends or your extended family (for instance you don't mention grandchildren?) in the REAL WORLD not the romantic fantasy in your head.

Yes, living in your head is for teenagers.

I don't think it's just for teenagers. How boring life would be without the occasional fantasy. I still reach for the lippy if I'm going to meet a fireman

How often do you meet fireman VQ

I had a nasty turn a couple of Christmas's ago and was taken to hospital in the middle of the night. The first thing DD said to me (on Christmas morning) in hospital was " for god sake mum you could've worn a decent nightie when the paramedics came" love eh?

Why not join your local U3A?...It sounds as though you have too much time on your hands....you can attend the groups to see how you get on

Sorry Girl, I hope expectations you've got are better than mine, GO for it

My best friend is a man 18 years younger than me. I've no doubt that had we been similar ages when we met & single we'd have got together as we just 'get' each other. But this is real life, so we make the most of our friendship without any form of betrayal to our respective partners. We have strict boundaries - no physical contact, & no bitching about our OHs. Both partners are fine with the relationship & we occasionally get together as a foursome. Both our lives are enriched by our friendship & I'm glad we've found a way to make it work. After all, if it was a female friend there'd be no issue.

My goodness, you wasting your life dreaming of the impossible. I'm 59, divorced and a single parent. No man will ever cross my doors again, even in mind. Love my own company, precious days with my son, breaks,gardening,driving,diy,cooking,baking,reading,and the list goes on. Snap out of it Gren, shut the door it,s making you unhappy. You need to fulfill your life, not waste it. Good luck

How's about a dating site especially for older folk? I ve platonic male pals but would never think of them " in that way" particularly if I knew his wife.

I've just skimmed through the posts on here so I hope I'm not repeating what has already been said.

From what I could see, there was some quite harsh criticism of Grenadier but very little of this man who, in my view, is playing with her affections as well as humiliating and deceiving his own wife. It seems from what the poster says that he is well aware of her feelings and yet continues to encourage this friendship, possibly because it appeals to his vanity. In my view, an honourable man would neither undermine his own wife nor continue to foster another woman's hope that a supposed friendship could turn into a serious relationship.

Grenadier As I think others have said, I think it would be to your advantage to cool this situation. Even if this friendship did turn into something more physical, or your friend left his wife (which I very much doubt he will do), would you really feel at ease with yourself, having caused such hurt?

I can understand you feeling the need for affection but perhaps if you widen your interests you may meet someone that you like who is free to embark on a relationship. Even if this doesn't happen, you may find more satisfaction in widening your circle of friends and pursuing new interests than in hanging around waiting for a man who is probably not worthy of your - or his wife's - affections.

I got caught up with a married man, when my marriage was floundering. My husband bought a business in the South, but I stayed put because my daughter was about to do her O levels, so my husband commuted at weekends. But in the intervening months he established a social life around his business. At weekends he would stay in the pub for a couple of hours before actually coming home. When eventually the children & I moved down to join him and buy a house, he preferred his social life to home life, and if I wanted to see him it was up to me to join him in the pub. He also didn't see the necessity to come home for a meal after work. He felt it was his right to come and go as he wished - very much like his father before him. So I realise I must have been feeling very vunerable, because it had been a mantra that "you never get involved with a married man". But I did. My marriage broke up, but my lovely man bought a flat and furnished it, and it was registered in my name so that I felt taken care of. This was 29 years ago, and it has been mostly a happy and relaxed affair, although I always had a gut feeling that it wasn't right and I chose to ignore it. But life was too comfortable to do anything about it. He has now started to suffer with dementia and life has become very different as he suffers delusions and hallucinations. I know that his wife has all the work involved with looking after him, and I would love to be a part of that, but wouldn't dare to intervene. She has enough on her plate without being made aware of my existence. I feel very upset about it but the guilt is awful, but I suppose this is what you get. You don't think of it at the time.

I was married to a fireman!! Disconcerting that they are fancied so much. Haven't got that worry anymore, though.

Do not flatter yourself that this man would choose you over his wife....he is just leading you up the garden path to flatter his own ego. Doesn't it make you feel like a hypocrite going out with him and his wife? She is the one I feel sorry for. He promised to love and cherish, so why should you come along and take that away from her? She looks upon you as a friend! I would not sleep at night. You need to widen your circle of friends and find someone you can call your own, not some part-time fantasy that clearly does not give a damn for his wife or you.

The reason I posted a week ago was because I wondered if any other Gran had feelings like me. Thank you to those who did respond with positive suggestions. I was feeling down then but this week I feel ok - must have been the full moon!! It was good for me to write how I feel and be anonymous. I did not intend to stir up negative feelings for some which is sad for them. Others have misunderstood me.
I have no intention marrying my friend nor did I say I did. His wife would soon tell me where to go if she felt I was a threat. If you saw me you would know that I am not a femme fatale. We do not choose who we fall in love with but I take on board the quote from the Bible re thoughts leading to actions. Another quote from the Bible says "let those without sin cast the first stone."

You didn't actually ask if anybody else had felt like you, granadier but it would appear that the general consensus is that your predicament is a hopeless cause.
It may be perfectly harmless to harbour fantasies but these can also prevent a person from getting up and out into the REAL WORLD. I wonder if your children and grandchldren( although you don't mention any) might not appreciate more of your time and attention.
There is just something rather sad about this threesome sharing so much of their lives apparently to the exclusion of all else.
I am glad you are happier this week, but perhaps you should take on board some of what has been said. You could be very lonely and vulnerable if you invest so much in a hopeless dream and fantasy.

I, too, think you need to widen your social horizons; this threesome is what a friend of mine would call 'unhealthy' - not in a truly unpleasant way, but in a confining, claustrophic way.

There is a world out there, you're only in your 60s and you should get out and explore it and all the people in it.
Who knows - you mind find someone free and single to whom you can give all that unrequited love.

might, not mind!!

Quite a few references on here to husbands "belonging" to their wives, or warning off the op because the guy is not hers. No person belongs to any other person, married or not. No one can guarantee they have a partner for life, even if they do everything they can to be a good partner.

Trust me I do know how it feels to be dumped after 30 years and the pain and devastation to a family is horrendous. For this reason I would never entertain a relationship, flirtation or even close friendship with a married man.

All the same, I am uncomfortable with the concept of "hands off my man" etc. If he's unhappy, for whatever reason he may be unfaithful or he may walk away. This can happen after two, twenty, thirty or forty years of seemingly happy marriage. We are all free to do that we are not owned by our partners.

Thank you to those have responded. Just to say that I usually go out as a threesome once or twice a week. It takes me 6 hours to get to see one of my daughters and grand daughter and I go up every few weeks. My other daughter and family live in Australia. However I have grown-up stepchildren and 11 step-great-grandchildren who live nearer - some of whom I see regularly. I do some charity work but not as much as I used to. It is the time I say goodbye to any member of my family that I feel sad because that is when I am left alone. I am not asking for sympathy - I know there are many people who have no-one to turn to. It is just sometimes things feel worse than at other times and it was at one of those times when I wrote on this forum. I did not intend to open up wounds for people who have been hurt.

A postscript. My late husband used to say "you're never alone when you can phone". I must remember that next time I am down. He was the best and no-one else would do for me.

Seasidenana, even if a husband/wife is totally happy and will not be tempted to stray, it is unpleasant for their partner to realise that someone else is trying to make a move on them. It's perfectly reasonable to say, or at least think, "hands off".

Granadier75, now that you are feeling a bit stronger, have another look over the comments on here and consider having a word with yourself about getting out of this self-destructive situation.

Grenadier75,
7 months have passed since you wrote about your 'problem'. I was just wondering how things are with you ?

Thank you tiredoldwoman for your message which I have only just seen. You are not too tired to be concerned for others. My feelings are just the same but I have given up hoping for anything more. Although I took on board some of the suggestions posted many did not understand my relationship. I do visit my family regularly but I'm always glad to get home and catch up with my friend who is my generation and cheers me up. I was feeling low last October and probably will this year as it is the month when my husband died over 10 years ago. I shall try to be more positive and be thankful for the years I had with him and for present friends. I hope that your are well. Thanks again.