37 year old today.

I have no siblings and find it hard to imagine close family ties. My Father died when I was 11 and I can hardly remember him. My mother was a difficult woman and if I am totally honest I was never close to her and did not mourn her, I did mourn the relationship I wished we had. To lose someone you loved through death is so hard, to lose them through family squabbles and disagreement must be so much harder but it takes two and if you have tried and failed to make it up I guess you must just come to terms with it.

I have had a difficult relationship with my youngest sister for most of our adult lives. It was only after our DF died and while clearing the house, and in our shared grief, that we talked a lot and the cause of her resentment towards me came out. It turned out I was the unknowing object of what my sister considered my mother's preference for her two elder daughters over her.

My mother was a worrier and when with one child she would always talk and worry about the others. It had never occurred to my sister that when she was not around our DM talked constantly of her to her two older sisters. Since we talked this through the tensions have gone from our relationship and we now have the relationship of two loving sisters. However, why she resented me because of this, I do not understand.

Dear ruby, I can offer no solutions, but, as in my case, you are the elder sister, and I sometimes think that younger siblings do tend to feel jealous of older siblings. Also your sister was seriously ill as a small child and sick children often become the centre of family life, not spoilt, but the central concern long after they have recovered. My sister was 7 years my junior and was very much the centre of attention as the baby of the family. I think when she was old enough for my mother to talk of family matters in her hearing, she suddenly discovered she wasn't the centre of her mother's world and this upset her world view. As I have discovered my sister's interpretation of what went on in the family was completely different to mine. Not wrong, just different. It led to her resentment against me for many decades. Fortunately we have sorted it out.

Ruby, if you were ever a fly on your sister' wall, you would probably be completely dumb struck by your sister's interpretation of all the events you describe. It would be entirely different from yours, so different you would find it hard to believe that the same events were being talked about. Perhaps if the two of you ever got an opportunity to sit down together and, in turn, one spoke and one listened, and explained their side of the divide and how they saw events, you could both accept that there is no right and wrong, but two different and contradicting views of your common world. On some matters you may reach agreement but on others may need to agree to differ.

As I have learnt, my sister and I had completely different childhoods in the same family. I was the oldest, she the youngest, events that happened when I was fourteen, happened when she was 7. I remember life before she was borne, she was still a child at home long after I had left home.

Sorry the above was so long

I have three sisters. My older sister doesn't speak to anyone in the family. I am very close to my two younger sisters, we have never had a cross word. I can't imagine falling out with them.

Someone said to me recently that where two people have a poor relationship there is always something both of you can do to improve it. So true!

I think what M0nica is saying is very true. After our Mum died last year my brother and I spent a lot of time talking about our past family life. It was amazing how differently we viewed events in our joint past and a real awakening to the fact that my Mum was not as uncaring as I thought. So sad though that it was too late for me to speak to her about it all and be a loving daughter instead of the dutiful one I was.

It would be so good if Ruby could find a way to meet up with her sister and talk to each other. Is there any other family member or good joint friend who could also be there and act as a buffer/go-between?