Lost friend

If he can physically abuse a family friend, then he can and probably does physically abuse his wife, you have lost a friend, then you have nothing to lose in trying to save her now from him. He should never have touched you. There is no excuse, none at all. Be strong.

He is obviously emotionally abusing your dear friend and she's that used to it by the sounds of it that she dare not go against anything he says in fear of the repercussions and must be forever walking on eggshells. Without doubt she will be deeply upset by what he did to you and will realise that you only spoke up to defend her because you think so much of her and he obviously doesn't!. Because he has got her so ground down she is making it appear that she blames you but believe me, its obvious that he is the one out of order. Could you get her on her own at all to show you understand and are there for her when she needs it?. Im sure she will be feeling as sorrowful as you at the upset between you both. Such a sad situation

This is a vwery sad situation for you. There is some very good advice from posters on this thread. it is helpful to understand the Karpman Triangle www.karpmandramatriangle.com/

Eric Berne wrote Games People Play. Sadly by trying to rescue some one you become part of the 'game'.

When a situation of this type happened to friends of mine I suggested that they say Sorry I don't know how to help you over this as it is a matter that needs help from a professional. This response keeps you out of the triangle.

Then it is up to you. Sadly as some people have suggested you may have to move on and find other friends.

Despite your DH being an ex-police officer I would urge you to talk to the Police, no charges will be brought but you will at least put him on their radar if your friend? should ever call them. Your DH belongs to another era of Policing where "Domestics" were not taken seriously.

It sounds like your friend's husband is trying to isolate her from friends - if you get the chance tell her you will always be there for her but you are not prepared to be a "marriage counselor"

Radicalnan, there was 2 weeks between the incident in the pub and the confrontation on Friday. She came to see me and said that he didn't really hate grandson,and she hoped we could still be friends,so I sent him a card to apologise as it was in a public place.I did it to diffuse the situation. Then he'd read my emails, and that's when he came round,when he was threatening me I was more angry than afraid and told him that he'd ruined her life and that he was a cowardly bully.TBO I think if I'd have had a knife I would have enjoyed plunging into him.
My husband (ex police officer) age almost 70, says I'm obsessed about him.
And agrees with me about him,but would go berserk if I involve the police.
I'm no wallflower and strong minded, but I have to think about his health blood pressure.
JessM that's very interesting what you said about the triangle.
Just for good measure my friends Mother loathed him, said he sent shivers down her spine.And mums are always right when it comes down to there kids!

All I can suggest is that you be there for her if (when?) he either attacks her or she leaves him.

I think you should inform the police about what he did to you. At least they will have it on record in case he does something else. I pity your friend. She is doing what HE wants and she has little choice. Try and let her know you will be there for her if she wants to talk.

I'm really sorry that this situation escalated and that it obviously feels very raw to you at the moment

BUT and it's a big BUT

From a personal point of view I detest hearing about other people's marital problems. I find that advice is always ignored and you end up as a listening wall for them to unload their stuff.

Seems your friends are happy being unhappy and have now joined forces to push you out! Gives them a common goal to vent their seemingly very negative feelings!

I would rely on Karma! Leave em to it ..... they're adults ..... Pity she treated you like her marriage guidance counsellor/psychiatrist!

Find friends who bring happiness and sunshine into your life. I was depressed just reading your post!
So wish you good luck and try not to fret ?

He sounds a real arsehole ? sadly people who are allowed to behave like this will never change as there are no consequences.
I'm sorry you have lost your friendship over this guy. I am another one who speaks my mind, a lot of people don't like it.
You can contact the police anonymously and voice your concerns. The law changed recently regarding physical and mental bullying.
I am not sure reporting what happened will make her leave him but he shouldn't be allowed to get away with laying hands on anybody!
She may come to you if things go wrong, can you keep the door ajar for her? Bullys like to isolate their victims and it seems he's done this quite well on this occasion ?.
You haven't done anything wrong op. It's hard watching a friend go through it but she's the master of her destiny.

Good luck ?

How sad for you to have lost your friend - you said what you did for the best of reasons but she spoke to you in confidence and it was not for you to speak to her husband. She has been putting up with this bully for years without taking any action so not sure why you thought she would be different this time. It is not clear if she has anywhere to go if she left her husband - or whether she can afford to leave him. This is why so many abused wives stay with violent controlling partners.

I hope your friend realises that you will be there for her in the future if she needs help but you should not interfere in their relationship unless she contacts you. I do hope that things work out for both you and your friend.

He assaulted you and you apologised, this man is a bully how would you feel if something serious happened to your friend and by reporting this incident to the police it could have been prevented

You've been assaulted. Go to the police. You can't resolve your friend's situation, but maybe bringing it to the attention of the police will help to reveal the behaviour of this man.

You should not have interfered, you should have just supported your friend. By telling him how bad his behaviour is you have shown him that his wife has talked about him to you. Surely you could see that this would have made things worse for your friend.
You have got too deeply involved. Be a gentle supportive friend in future.

You need to tell the police about the 'hands round neck' incident. How would you feel if he went too far with your friend and killed her?

The man is clearly 'gaslighting' with his wife and she cannot deal rationally with you as she is in his thrall. I have no idea what to advise about this situation but I wouldn't take your friend's attitude towards you personally as she isn't able to think straight. Perhaps she will be one day if she escapes this monster she is married to.

Good gracious radicalnan - she enjoys it? How can you say that with such certainty - unless maybe you have yourself lived with an emotionally abusive man and enjoyed it. Even then, one can't generalise.

A clever psychologist once came up with something called "the drama triangle" to describe situations like this. Imagine there is a triangle with a Persecutor in one corner and a Victim in another - and in the third corner there's a Rescuer. Once you get drawn into the triangle - and you certainly have elen.. The solution is to step away and try to detach yourself from these strong feelings. A break from your friend for a while could help you to do that. Your role as a friend is to offer help when it is asked for, not to try to intervene and get involved in the drama that is being played out between the 2 of them.

Emotional bullying is another way to describe coercive control which is now illegal. You should involve the police and do it NOW don't wait. If your so called friend doesn't want anything more to do with you SO What that's her problem not yours. You have been physically abused and you should allow it to go unnoticed.

You can tell your friend you only intervened because you were concerned for her welfare. You are there for her if she ever wants to talk. And leave it at that.

Don't feel bad you did your best as you saw it but as outsiders you may not know the whole story (though I am not condoning his actions for one minute). It's her life and up to her what choices she makes.

If he harasses or lays hands on you again call the police.

You have been a brave and loyal friend, but looks like you will have to call it a day. Move on and find some new friends. Please don't make yourself unhappy over this. The problem is hers and doesn't have your name on it.

Let her get on with it, at some level she enjoys it. You don't have to.

Any man who put his hands around my neck would be dealing with the police............

Sending a card..........how low is your self esteem???

Don't let people treat you like an accessory to their dramas.

It may not be too late to report to the Police. I think this should be done so he is on their radar, it could protect other people. There will be a safer communities system in your area, someone they can send to talk to you.

Being honest in this situation probably wasn't the best response but you can't take it back and I expect your intentions were good. All you can do is apologise to your friend and offer to be there at any time for her. She probably hasn't any choice at the moment but to sideline you if her husband is very controlling. I hope she comes to her senses because it sounds like a powder keg situation.

Lost opportunity to report this man to the police. He needs to be on their radar, so if the wife ever needs to call in an emergency there is a known risk of violence already.

I don't think that's fair, Luckylegs, she considered the OP to be her friend and confidante and now feels betrayed, and I don't blame her!

Plus, if the man's so volatile she's possibly scared about what he might do. No one comes out of this well, except perhaps for the poor wife!

In an ideal world, you wouldn't have told him what you thought if him, however it is understandable you eventually did. Just because your friend has become a victim and accepts his behaviour whilst moaning about it, why should you, if he tried to throttle me I would have been tempted to have him up for assault. The friendship is finished, but it couldn't have gone on as it was anyway. So don't beat yourself up about it, she should have kept quiet if she is content with the situation most people would find living with such a man intolerable.

No sorry not got that in right order,I apologised for telling him in public what I thought of him,but only because I didn't want to lose my friend. The threat came a week later.No certainly let him have it then with both barrels!Whats upset my friend is,I told him that she would leave him,but he cries and she feels sorry for him,pathetic bastard.
He then told her, and she was upset because she'd told me in confidence.
Trouble is I've always spoke my mind,she's had to choose her words, and she admit lie to him to keep the peace. My husband is a peacemaker,he went round to calm him down, while I was on the phone warning her what had occurred as she was at work.He is a bomb waiting to go off,so husband wouldn't antagonise him.

And what was your husbands reaction to his friend throttling you?