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Lost friend

(33 Posts)
Elenkalubleton Sun 23-Oct-16 10:16:30

Ive had a friend who lives round the corner to me.she is married to an emotional bully.
He told my husband around 6 months ago that he hated his grandson,I never told my friend because I knew it would hurt her.
Over the years when I've seen her she has said that she had threatened to leave him but he just cries then she feels sorry for him,and all goes back to normal.
In the past few year they have lost two lots of friends plus he's fallen out with his sister, because of his behaviour with them.
However he hates my cat and said something horrible about him,which festered in my mind.Then we were having a meal and he came in the place,and for all the negative and controlling incidences that he had subjected her to over the years.
I took him on one side and told him quietly what I thought about him.He came round to the house, put his hands around my neck, he let go didn't hurt me.But I'm still in shock it only happened on Friday.
She came round to see me and defended him ..But now she wants nothing to do with me.I am devastated as thought she'd see the light.They have a grown up daughter,who grew up in fear.They had always had to walk on eggshells, this is a shortened version of what he's like.I just cannot seem to sleep thinking about it.

ninathenana Sun 23-Oct-16 10:27:56

Oh dear, this man may be a rotten human being but he is her husband and she is going to defend him to others even though she may criticise him herself. You can think what you like of him and from what you say you have just cause but I would never have told him my feelings.
I would have just continued to be there for her when she needed me. I don't know if there's any going back from this, I would hope so for your sake. Apologise and hope for the best.

Elenkalubleton Sun 23-Oct-16 10:42:55

I did apologise because I know I went to far,I sent him a card.
But then he went snooping on her I pad,and saw her and my emails.
That's when he came round.

Luckygirl Sun 23-Oct-16 10:50:22

You sent an apology! - when this man physically threatened you!!! You should be phoning the police.

But, TBH, I do think it was an error of judgement to have spoken to him about his behaviour - it is not your problem, even though I can see it must be worrying.

Christinefrance Sun 23-Oct-16 12:28:45

Clearly things are not going to change after all this time, he was totally out of order in assaulting you.
I would steer clear of both of them now and let them live their own life, you deserve better friends than this.

ninathenana Sun 23-Oct-16 13:10:13

I meant apologise to your friend not this oaf.

Skullduggery Sun 23-Oct-16 13:22:34

Why did you apologise?
You should have reported the assault to the police. I refuse to tolerate bad behaviour and if it was me, I'd let them both go. If she eventually leaves him, re-offer your friendship at that point.
You're not responsible for her mistakes.

Anya Sun 23-Oct-16 13:53:45

Well I can't believe you've fallen into the same mindset as your friend and actually apologised to a man who assaulted you confused

What were you thinking?

petra Sun 23-Oct-16 14:06:15

And what was your husbands reaction to his friend throttling you?

Elenkalubleton Sun 23-Oct-16 16:07:02

No sorry not got that in right order,I apologised for telling him in public what I thought of him,but only because I didn't want to lose my friend. The threat came a week later.No certainly let him have it then with both barrels!Whats upset my friend is,I told him that she would leave him,but he cries and she feels sorry for him,pathetic bastard.
He then told her, and she was upset because she'd told me in confidence.
Trouble is I've always spoke my mind,she's had to choose her words, and she admit lie to him to keep the peace. My husband is a peacemaker,he went round to calm him down, while I was on the phone warning her what had occurred as she was at work.He is a bomb waiting to go off,so husband wouldn't antagonise him.

Luckylegs9 Sun 23-Oct-16 19:09:11

In an ideal world, you wouldn't have told him what you thought if him, however it is understandable you eventually did. Just because your friend has become a victim and accepts his behaviour whilst moaning about it, why should you, if he tried to throttle me I would have been tempted to have him up for assault. The friendship is finished, but it couldn't have gone on as it was anyway. So don't beat yourself up about it, she should have kept quiet if she is content with the situation most people would find living with such a man intolerable.

Ana Sun 23-Oct-16 19:26:33

I don't think that's fair, Luckylegs, she considered the OP to be her friend and confidante and now feels betrayed, and I don't blame her!

Plus, if the man's so volatile she's possibly scared about what he might do. No one comes out of this well, except perhaps for the poor wife!

Anya Mon 24-Oct-16 06:55:57

Lost opportunity to report this man to the police. He needs to be on their radar, so if the wife ever needs to call in an emergency there is a known risk of violence already.

icanhandthemback Mon 24-Oct-16 09:30:39

Being honest in this situation probably wasn't the best response but you can't take it back and I expect your intentions were good. All you can do is apologise to your friend and offer to be there at any time for her. She probably hasn't any choice at the moment but to sideline you if her husband is very controlling. I hope she comes to her senses because it sounds like a powder keg situation.

Seasidenana Mon 24-Oct-16 09:49:22

It may not be too late to report to the Police. I think this should be done so he is on their radar, it could protect other people. There will be a safer communities system in your area, someone they can send to talk to you.

radicalnan Mon 24-Oct-16 09:50:47

Let her get on with it, at some level she enjoys it. You don't have to.

Any man who put his hands around my neck would be dealing with the police............

Sending a card..........how low is your self esteem???

Don't let people treat you like an accessory to their dramas.

Chris1603 Mon 24-Oct-16 09:55:29

You can tell your friend you only intervened because you were concerned for her welfare. You are there for her if she ever wants to talk. And leave it at that.

Don't feel bad you did your best as you saw it but as outsiders you may not know the whole story (though I am not condoning his actions for one minute). It's her life and up to her what choices she makes.

If he harasses or lays hands on you again call the police.

You have been a brave and loyal friend, but looks like you will have to call it a day. Move on and find some new friends. Please don't make yourself unhappy over this. The problem is hers and doesn't have your name on it.

foxie Mon 24-Oct-16 10:04:24

Emotional bullying is another way to describe coercive control which is now illegal. You should involve the police and do it NOW don't wait. If your so called friend doesn't want anything more to do with you SO What that's her problem not yours. You have been physically abused and you should allow it to go unnoticed.

JessM Mon 24-Oct-16 10:11:31

Good gracious radicalnan - she enjoys it? How can you say that with such certainty - unless maybe you have yourself lived with an emotionally abusive man and enjoyed it. Even then, one can't generalise.

A clever psychologist once came up with something called "the drama triangle" to describe situations like this. Imagine there is a triangle with a Persecutor in one corner and a Victim in another - and in the third corner there's a Rescuer. Once you get drawn into the triangle - and you certainly have elen.. The solution is to step away and try to detach yourself from these strong feelings. A break from your friend for a while could help you to do that. Your role as a friend is to offer help when it is asked for, not to try to intervene and get involved in the drama that is being played out between the 2 of them.

Lilyflower Mon 24-Oct-16 10:12:36

You need to tell the police about the 'hands round neck' incident. How would you feel if he went too far with your friend and killed her?

The man is clearly 'gaslighting' with his wife and she cannot deal rationally with you as she is in his thrall. I have no idea what to advise about this situation but I wouldn't take your friend's attitude towards you personally as she isn't able to think straight. Perhaps she will be one day if she escapes this monster she is married to.

LuckyFour Mon 24-Oct-16 10:20:42

You should not have interfered, you should have just supported your friend. By telling him how bad his behaviour is you have shown him that his wife has talked about him to you. Surely you could see that this would have made things worse for your friend.
You have got too deeply involved. Be a gentle supportive friend in future.

Kitspurr Mon 24-Oct-16 10:23:57

You've been assaulted. Go to the police. You can't resolve your friend's situation, but maybe bringing it to the attention of the police will help to reveal the behaviour of this man.

harrysgran Mon 24-Oct-16 10:26:31

He assaulted you and you apologised, this man is a bully how would you feel if something serious happened to your friend and by reporting this incident to the police it could have been prevented

dizzygran Mon 24-Oct-16 10:30:05

How sad for you to have lost your friend - you said what you did for the best of reasons but she spoke to you in confidence and it was not for you to speak to her husband. She has been putting up with this bully for years without taking any action so not sure why you thought she would be different this time. It is not clear if she has anywhere to go if she left her husband - or whether she can afford to leave him. This is why so many abused wives stay with violent controlling partners.

I hope your friend realises that you will be there for her in the future if she needs help but you should not interfere in their relationship unless she contacts you. I do hope that things work out for both you and your friend.

meandashy Mon 24-Oct-16 11:01:30

He sounds a real arsehole ๐Ÿ™ sadly people who are allowed to behave like this will never change as there are no consequences.
I'm sorry you have lost your friendship over this guy. I am another one who speaks my mind, a lot of people don't like it.
You can contact the police anonymously and voice your concerns. The law changed recently regarding physical and mental bullying.
I am not sure reporting what happened will make her leave him but he shouldn't be allowed to get away with laying hands on anybody!
She may come to you if things go wrong, can you keep the door ajar for her? Bullys like to isolate their victims and it seems he's done this quite well on this occasion ๐Ÿ™.
You haven't done anything wrong op. It's hard watching a friend go through it but she's the master of her destiny.

Good luck ๐ŸŒน