Doing too much ?

If your daughter is going away to a party she will probably be away 2 nights, could see to the horses before she goes, then arrange for someone else, friends anyone and as I said split the cost. The same for the next day and she can check on them just to make sure its all ok when she comes home. I can understand her wanting to go to a party, I was in same position at that age and loved it when I had a chance to go out and shared babysitting with a friend. Worked well

I tend to agree with vampirequeen. I wonder if there is any guilt involved in your bending over backwards to help your daughter? Perhaps to do with the fact you brought her up as a single parent and you empathise with her similar situation?

I find I tend to over compensate to help my DD because our relationship wasn't great when she was young. Just a thought.

I always think how wonderfully kind and thoughtful people are on this forum,not so much today.Forestgirl you are doing a brilliant job for your GC,making super memories,keep it up--------this time try and sort out outside help then next time go back to your previous arrangement.Your daughter has obviously set her heart on the party maybe she is seeing old friends,or new men etc. at the party,fun she is lacking ?
Remember we all want our own way,maybe she's hormonal,depressed about her future ,lonely for fun ,just acting a bit like a teenager she has probably been really looking forward to this for ages.You sound like a perfect Grandma but we can't do as much as we used to so get tired our children do not see that as Mum as always juggled everything,voice of experience.I have one daughter who has the nack of making the whole family feel bad if she can not do exactly what she planned !
Good luck, maybe get the calendar out and sit down with daughter for future trips after this is all over so no repeat performance----then when your away get the kids to buy her new earrings or something so no bad left over feelings ?

forestgirl4 - sympathy from me. I think more than asking for help you want a shoulder to cry on because you feel very much taken for granted. We do loads of sitting for my daughter and it does seem to be taken for granted much of the time and on the very few occasions we cannot do it, we are left in no doubt that she is extremely put out. They do seem to forget that we do actually have lives of our own and friends to keep up with and social activities. We love the children unreservedly and enjoy being with them but there is a limit. I think you have got to stand up to your daughter (as we did) and point out how much you do and would like some appreciation. I don't know how old you are - we are in our late seventies and no longer happy to drive in the dark and do not have the energy of a few years ago. Arrange a holiday by yourself and don't tell her until it is booked. She needs to be able to fend for herself for once. Good luck.

I think you are not being unreasonable she is lucky that you are willing and able to take grandchildren could she not get someone reliable to do the morning she is having problems with . Who would look after children while she went to party if you wasn't around . Hope you have got problem settled soon wish I had a bolt hole I'm envious .

I don't understand why this time, when she wants to go to a special party, you have refused to babysit.

I think the OP just wanted to share and perhaps ask others if her annoyance was justified. Cut out all the horse stuff etc., and it just boils down to a bit of give and take. I for one can sympathise, as I often have the same feeling, i.e. I do all the giving and DD does must of the taking. Sometimes it's nice to know you're not alone.

Your daughter is welshing on the deal. You have made a deal - she has refused to do her bit.

Therefore it would seem to me that the holidays that you pay for for her kids are stymied by her.

Unless you can persuade her to pull her finger out. I have no idea how you should explain this to her kids though - maybe they could talk her round.

Hi forestgirl

Have just read your post and the various replies and have tried to look at both sides of the story.

As a grandma I think you seem to be doing a sterling job, taking your grandchildren away to your cottage so mum can carry on working but in this instance, could your offer have came too quickly? Maybe mum was going to ask you first to look after the children on a particular weekend over the school holidays so she could go to this party. As it is so far away, I am assuming it is someone she rarely gets the chance to see.

Have you thought about a compromise this time? You take the kids away Mon-Fri and she looks after your horses then you come home for the weekend and look after your grandchildren at home so she can get away. Problem solved.

Or is it a case that you are both strong willed women who both refuse to back down?

If this is the only time she has done this then it does suggest she was really, really looking forward to this one off party. If she grumbles a lot at your ' help' either you are doing to much for her and have helped create this seemingly selfish young woman or, she sees your help as ' interfer' but is scared of telling you as she does not want to offend you.

I think a lot of us have been in similar situations with our own families and it can be very hurtful, but sometimes you just have to say ' it is what it is and find a way to move on without falling out.

Good luck xx

I think as your daughter works full or part time she was probably looking forward to having some free time to herself and was feeling a bit off about having to break up her day, even by an hour, to see to the horses. Talk to her and see if there is any other arrangement you come to other than pay someone else. Could she not share the cost or pay? Good luck

although I will say your DD is very lucky and there should be some give and take (where would she want to go to on her own anyway?).

Our young relative keeps her horse where there are other people's horses stabled too (and fields), so they take it in turns if one or other wants to go away.

Or do you have your own field/stable?
Perhaps you could look into sharing and share the care if the other horse owner wants to go away.

forest girl Sorry you are getting such silly negative replies to you post . All I can say is that this forum has its share of people who seem to enjoy putting others in their place ! Take no notice

On the subject of your ungrateful daughter , I think several days of childlessness , peace , quiet and a tidy house is fair exchange for a small amount of horse care . I think she is being selfish in the extreme xx

My own daughter is struggling with her job and juggling childcare because I had a fall and fractured my elbow so I have been out of action. I have just begun to drive again, very carefully because confidence is shattered but DD does understand. I hope you resolve things

Goodness me, what a lot of fuss!
forest girl you are doing well giving your daughter child free time and caring for your lovely grandchildren. Taking them away is great so dear daughter should definitely look after your horses. Not much to ask.
You are a star. Xx

Forest girl, I don't think it unreasonable for your daughter to do the hour a day with your horses. It sounds to me very much that this party is the reason for her not wanting to carry out your previous agreement, but, if you weren't having the children she couldn't have gone anyway. Maybe a conversation with her will help, though I know It's difficult to do. Sometimes it does feel like our daughters expectations of us, as grandparents, escalate over time. The original agreement overlooked or disregarded.

party!!! Flippin'auto-correct!

Exactly notanan. That was the point I was making (albeit , not very succinctly). It's a 50-50 thing. And quick scan of Mumsnet shows how many young mums feel steam-rollered by MILs (mostly, but Mums are guilty too ). I am loathe to use the words ' it was different in our day' but my mum completely kept her distance and had to be persuaded to have DD1 (4 years old) in an emergency for 3 nights. She made it very clear when we picked DD up that it was not going to be a regular thing.
My advice, for what it's worth, to newbie Grans, is hold fire, wait to be asked, and if it doesn't suit your plans, apologise (very gently) while making sure you leave the door open for being asked again.
. If it's a genuine immergency fair enough but I'm afraid if it's a 'date night', hen partiy, or spa weekend...... hire a professional!

wherever the mark is being missed, it's usually a communication thing I think.

Instead what you have is parents thinking they're "agreeing" to every request the grandparent makes to take the kids away, because the GP says they want to

And the grandparent racking up the amount of "help" they're giving because they possibly think the "nights off" are potentially for the parents benefit

and both sides are sitting there feeling resentful.. but if everyone was very frank it could be avoided

seeing GCs without the parents present a lot only increases the gaps in communication

I don't know why we have this generation of parents who expect their parents to provide free childcare.

There's a flip side to this: a generation of grandparents who expect sleepovers and parent free time with their grandchildren and put pressure on new mums to hand over their babies for overnights with the grandparents from a young age.

I know not all GPs do this but it's a common experience with a lot of my parernt friends who have felt pressure from GPS to send their children for "sleepovers" without them etc.

From my point of view as a parent not grandparent, I don't know why this is the expectation of the grandparenting experience these days?, When I was a kid we visited the grandparents as a family, I went WITH my parents as a family, I never had to go stay over night at theirs without my parents. But nowadays a lot of grandparents expect it and start talking about having the kids for sleepovers before they're even born!

Now I understand that it might come from a good place: modern grandparents may feel they are helping parents by doing this but what I see is actually quite a bit of upset new mums who are feeling pressured into the kids having parent free grandparent time. It's not actually always helpful, although I appreciate that GPs may have good intentions and feel that they're being helpful in these cases.

And there are parents who expect GPs to work then do childcare on their days off and it is disgusting I agree, but in a lot of cases, there's a flip side to GPS who say how much they "help" when often they are the ones who instigated the overnights and parents feel they have to agree

If I wanted advice on anything the last place I would ask would be gransnet or mums net. Too many sanctimonious people on here who are obviously perfect. When you are rude you only make things worse for people who are having problems. Why do some of you feel you have to criticize strangers so much? To the OP you will have to tell your daughter if she can't help with horses you can't take grandchildren away so everyone suffers. Tell her you wouldn't just trust anyone with your precious animals and you are cutting the time for her with them to the bare minimum. I hope it works out. And I'm glad that there are at least some nice replies on here.

I agree Dragonfly46. I have been disappointed recently by some of the rather judgemental responses on this forum.

I don't know why we have this generation of parents who expect their parents to provide free childcare. What part of the phrase ' We've done our bit of parenting' do they not understand? It makes me so cross when I hear of GPS organising their free time around grandchildren-minding. Mind you, I do think many GPs ....and I'll stick my head above the parapet long enough to say most of them are grannies..... rush into taking over GC -minding from the moment the babies draw breath. We see that from so many of the hesrt-broken posts on here when it all implodes.
Next week I will be moving back to the UK after 18 years ..... I am quite willing to pick up my GS from school when it's impossible for Mum and Dad to do it... well it's only 100yards down the road.... but DD knows I will be carving out a new life for myself so though I'm happy to help out when necessary , but the thought of any more than a 1 night sleep fills me with dread.
I admire the OP but I think the time has come for her DD to step up to the plate, and perhaps stop playing the single parent card. After all, her mother probably didnt get that sort of support from her parents. This problem seems very much a 21st century one.

Forestgirl you have my sympathy as it sounds like your DD has a lovely Mum & Grandmum for not a huge return on her behalf, it does strike me that she is starting to take arrangements for granted. Now something has come up that "she wants to do" she's making you feel bad.

Is this Party really important, why has this only just come up? Can your Holiday arrangements be altered slightly so she can go to Party & you can still take GC away for slightly shorter break?

IMHO I think you are going to have to have a chat to her, maybe best on "neutral ground" - not confrontational but to ensure arrangements are working for all of you. Good Luck

On a slightly lighter note my situation is slightly different as it involves my cat - I am going to visit my DM in Yorkshire before Christmas, arrangements have had to change because of Hospital Appointments (mine) so we agreed dates & I let DD know. Not a good idea without checking first as DD is Bridesmaid on weekend I would be away. Changed arrangements now . Cat was my DD's before he came to me 18 months ago - that'll teach me to check with her before I plan anything (haven't been away in 18 months!!)

She obviously does help her daughter quite a bit and a little thank you such as looking after the animals is a small payback

The daughter might not see it that way
The daughter might see it as her "agreeing" to hand over the kids because the OP says she wants to take her grandkids away, so rather than the OP doing the daughter a favour as such, the daughter feels she is aggreeing to what the OP wants quite a lot

I've had this myself with my mother when she's told her friends about how much she's "helped" when actually it was no help to us at all we were facilitating her requests to have time with the kids IYKWIM