Doing too much ?

I ABSOLUTELY 'get' where you're coming from! Indeed there isn't much 'help' anyone can give...just support! That's all you need. I support you one million per cent! My situation was with my dil? In being a 'whatever I can do to help' grannies...I have unwittingly created a selfish, spoilt woman who now 'expects' and NEVER appreciates! ALL my own doing...I did not have help with my own children when they were young so thought I was doing a good thing by doing what I could to make her life easier, regarding work etc? She now books spa breaks, foreign holidays etc, taking for granted I will look after my beautiful grandchildren. A recent event has ended this relationship but honestly forestgirl...I ABSOLUTELY know where you're coming from. Unfortunately I have no advice as such, except maybe talk to your daughter? If you have that kind of relationship. Purely in order that you let her know first, how much you live her, and adore your grandchildren? But also that you feel maybe taken for granted a bit? (understatement I know lol) but unfortunately, if it comes across as meaning or criticism, the situation can quickly descend into defence and attack, which is not productive for either party. Keep it positive and from a place of pure love, but try to convey your real feelings, you're obviously more than willing to help but need a bit back? Two way Street scenario?! Ah I really hope you sort it without a standoff. But in reality, she needs your help more maybe? Good luck ? xx

I am surprised at the unhelpful comments on here. A lot of people post about their problems without necessarily coming up with a solution. Sometimes people just want to vent and by putting a problem down in writing, it helps clarify the situation and get other people's views.

I think your daughter is being unreasonable forestgirl4 and maybe you need to not take your grandchildren away so much. It is difficult to be firm without falling out though.

You are spot on forestgirl4 and it doesn't matter whether you've asked for support to look after horses, dogs, rabbits, goldfish or your own parents whilst you take your grandchildren away. You're also spot on in that if you're daughter wishes to have some freedom from the children, that you have offered to do this whilst you are at home where you will no doubt look after the children AND the animals. You are not being unfair or unreasonable. I'd also agree with Bluebell that it seems that you've had a great working relationship in this topic to date and something seems to have gone astray. Perhaps a quiet discussion over coffee/lunch to re-look at the plans and air your thoughts and perhaps there is something else you will uncover. Keep talking and don't fall out...x

I think you're being an extremely generous Granny Forestgirl. To have the kind of help you offer on a regular basis would be like manna from heaven for many many families. I know when my children were younger and I was working, it was a nightmare covering holidays and I ended up spending a fortune on childcare. My own and husbands families live at opposite ends of the country and we're in the middle. It's just the way it was and we got through. I salute your support for your daughter. It sounds as if you've always been a provider for her childcare needs and she's never had to do without it. She's one lucky lady! You're not unreasonable in the slightest to feel a little aggrieved at your daughter's current attitude. By the way your cottage sounds bliss! x

Yes she is it Anya was mentioned further up it appears both mum and daughter are single parents

I can see this is an awkward situation for you forestgirl14 and it is a shame things have come to this. All I can think of is do you know any other horse owners locally with whom you could have a reciprocal arrangement? I have found in the past that it is safer having a fellow cat owner to look after our lot if my daughter cannot do it. We do pay a lady to feed them too, funnily enough her main job is horse care. Good luck with this.

PS is your daughter a single mother as I hear no mention of a partner? And this can make life harder for the carer.

Right. Now I have a clearer picture forestgirl - don't forget we only have a little bit of the picture and it's not always easy to see what's what.

I understand the issue around animals and holidays. We too had horses (and goats, and chickens and dogs and ....) . You need reliable cover while you're away. When I said there was something more here, it turns out that was your daughter had something planned and it was this party. So that's why she's in a strop. And you've made it clear that she's a life-long rider and happy around horses so that wasn't her issue.

You seem to be doing a great deal for your family. Too much? Possibly, but there again you love having your grandchildren and doubtless they love coming to you.

I think this is a matter of getting better, clearer communication so there are not cashes of interest, like the party your daughter was going to and you planning on going on holiday.

We've had a similar situation recently where my daughter just assumed we'd have her two dogs while she and her family went on a half-term holiday, but in fact it wasn't possible as I'm away and my DH can't possibly cope with four dogs (we have two). And it's even harder with large animals such as your horses.

After you've resolved this one I think you need to sit down with daughter and thrash this out, nicely, preferably with a diary or calendar handy.

forestgirl4 You just have to make a choice between looking after your grandchildren and your horses.

The horses are your hobby. If your daughter is not really interested you need to make decisions about exactly what you want, you cannot do everything.

I think posters are trying to say this. What sort of other helpful suggestions do you think we can give?

How about selling one horse and putting what money you save into paying someone else to do the care of the horses when you are not about.

It's up to you to make these decisions with your daughter and work out a plan that suits you both. You cannot have it all unless you have lots & lots of money. Horses are expensive to run.

i wish we could edit our posts and add to them and not have to write a new post

just a thought could your daughter be very disappointed if this party is a one off that she has been looking forward to so why can't you take the kids to your bolt hole another time.... is this becoming a battle of wills maybe?

Best of luck with this forest girl. I'm surprised by the tone of some responses. Can you usually discuss things openly with your daughter? It's up to her how she manages the party isn't it, not your problem.

Thanks for further info Forestgirl it does change the picture somewhat and it looks more like your daughter has started to take your help for granted and is becoming demanding and yes maybe now is the time to set some ground rules and be a bit more limiting about your help because at the end of the day it should be a totally two way process She sounds not very maternal if she wants to swan off to parties or is this just a one off and she's very disappointed if she can't go ? I think that's an important point is she a party girl that you have been indulging or is she a hard working girl looking forward to a one off break

I can't speak for others but your original post made me think you were constantly flying off on holidays now you have explained, it is much more realistic to feel empathy for you. If you feel that you are giving and she is taking that's an age old problem
Perhaps like many on here you have given too freely and too often and it's now taken totally as a given that you will do. A b and c without a word I would certainly try and have a talk about your side of the story, if this is hard without it being misconstrued and twisted, maybe a carefully thought out letter Do you have a close friend who would look after the horses whilst you had a weekend at your bolt hole ALONE with no paybacks or do you only enjoy going to the cottage if you have the grandkids with you How old are the grandkids by the way ?

Any time resentment kicks in you know you're doing too much! Sometimes in life that can't be avoided for a short period but it's a real signal that something needs to change. But do you want to give up having your grandchildren as much as you do? Or is it that you want the granchildren and just want you daughter to make it possible by having the horses?

Bluebell, As previously mentioned I just wanted some help with working out if I was being unreasonable.
I always ask, my daughter if she would like me to have her children, I have never got the impression that it was something she did not want. I do not impose myself on her or her family. But I will now reassess that.
The last time I took the children to my pension pot cottage, she let me down with our arrangement and I had to pay someone else to look after the animals; this proved far from satisfactory.
I would not have agreed to take the children this time if I had thought she was going to back out of our agreement again.
The children, love coming away with Granny and my daughter sees it, I am told, as a welcome break, she encourages it.
Yes, she is on her own, as I was, when bringing up my two, however I had no help what so ever so I have moved heaven and earth to support her in every possible way, including giving her'me' time.
My daughter is a life long rider so I guess she likes horses.
I have also said that I will have the children when I am at home should she wish to go away.
She is up in arms because she wants to go to a party a couple hundred of miles away which would then compromise the animal care arrangement. If I don't take the children, she cannot go anyway. Why should I stay at home to fit in with her all the time. The Cottage is my bolt hole to which all children/grandchildren are welcome. She chooses to stay at home on her own.
I forgo quite a lot to help her and the fact she has to miss one party is not unreasonable. She is well into her thirties and had many years of freedom before she chose, to have children. She cannot have it all ways and I am going from feeling that I am being helpful to being misguided and possibly doing too much, which is the original title of the post and to what I wanted some input from.

Forest girl I think its a bit unclear what you want from folk on here ?

You say you had a two way arrangement that worked well so it appears this is the first time it's gone pear shaped, which implies that your daughter may have had other plans for the half term or maybe is just unable to keep her side of the bargain this time Could it be mis communication between you both? Does she instigate you taking the children away ? Or is it something you want to do for YOU as well as them? What's to stop you have the children and staying at home then the children can help with the horses do you have to go away every time ? I m sorry for all the questions but there does seem so much more to have caused this than your short original query touches on and answers rely on information a few more clarifying thoughts ... what is frequently? How old are the kids? Is daughter a hard working single mum or is there a dad?

Vampire girl there's nothing like jumping to conclusions why on earth would you call the daughter an ungrateful little madam when you know absolutely diddly squit about the situation and where did original poster say she had the children 24/7 ? It really sounds as if forestgirl and daughter have had a good working plan until this time which went wrong for whatever reason isn't clear .... just a guess but could it be that the frequently going away is too frequent for the mum.? could it be this was a time too much ? Could it be that daughter doesn't like horses, not everyone does

I don't understand how anyone can help with such a brief synopsis of the little story unless forsetgirl wasn't looking for answers but just a group hug

You are obviously upset Forestgirl and for that?

Thank you Vampirequeen.

Daphne, the problem I have with 'outsiders' looking after the animals is largely security of my home, who else do they tell that I am away... also reliability.

I am not trying to fall out with her or create an atmosphere, but it has been a two way arrangement which has worked well and should she decide not to keep to her side of the bargain and help me then I cannot take the GC away.

Ninathenana, I am at a loss with these Forums then; people supposedly write in when they have a situation, which they are not sure they are handling well or fairly. It invites others to give their take on the situation, possibly to help resolve matters.

That is 'what help' I was looking for.

I have certainly learned my lesson, I joined this site because I felt isolated, well after this I feel ten times worse.
I am obviously a totally crap Granny and shouldn't expect any sort of help or reasonable behaviour from my daughter.

I was only looking for friendly advice not pity.

I think your daughter is an ungrateful little madam.

You have her children 24/7. One hour a day caring for the horses is the least she can do.

Sounds fair enough to me forestgirl I can only think in her defence perhaps she is not as animal-minded as you and perhaps there is some horsemad teenager who would jump at the chance. However you are not being unfair BUT is it worth falling out or creating an atmosphere over? If you can take a deep breath and keep your sense of humour you will both be happier -don't let this become an "issue" ???

Anya, I mistakenly wrote on this out of desperation to get a take on my childcare offerings verses my daughter's reluctance to help me now.

My horses are exceptionally well cared for, she only has to check them, she lives close by. This is not an animal welfare issue !

Thank you Hilltopgran for your understanding of my situation.

Reliable animal care is difficult to find, which is why my daughter and I decided that we help each other. It is only now, for no apparent reason that she has decided it is 'not convenient' !

The only thing 'going on' is what I have written.

My daughter works part time and did not wish to take any holiday herself, hence my having the children. We have always agreed that if I go away with the GC she helps with the animals. Should she wish to go away on her own It will be when I am at home, when I am happy still to have the children but it enables me to look after the animal myself.

She cannot have it all ways. They are her children after all.

Normally my horse would take longer per day, but all she has to do is check and feed them; they are very close to where she lives.

Just feeling down in the dumps; I try really hard to help my daughter in giving her what she wants, time and wondered what other people's view was on her resenting helping me ! Am I being unfair?

mumofmadboys I'm simply querying the OP's assertion that looking after her horses only takes one hour per day. I'd be very surprised if this is the case, especially if that hour includes travelling time.

I agree it doesn't seem a bad deal, even if it does take longer, but there's a lot more going on here?

I'm thinking this might have arisen at this time because it's half term. Was the daughter looking to go away at this time herself and have her plans been overturned. Is that why she's narky? Has this happened before?

Need a bit more information.