Would you expect your husband to buy you a birthday card and present when you always mark his birthday with a nice gift and a card?

I usually start to give hints a while before, but then DH always says "what do you want as a present", of course the answer is always the same " I dont need anything" but it is always nice to get a surprise,isnt it.Here in Sweden families dont give cards to each other, I am used to it now, but it is a shame.
I always make a fuss over DH Birthday, as I love giving presents, but he never knows what to do for my surprise, its soon the big 75, now I wonder!

Now I have to organise my own card and present from my DH because he gets very upset if cards and presents arrive from others and he has forgotten. The DDs have been very good at prompting him since they were old enough and because of this, over the years I have had many wonderful, suitable presents - allegedly chosen, certainly paid for, by him.

If you have to orchestrate him getting you a present, it isn't from him, is it? If it doesn't come from his inclination, then it won't be a genuine expression of his sentiments. Does he do other things/provide support on a daily/frequent basis that show he cares? Those are more important. Ymmv.

My DH was brought up in a household where you only sent cards to people you didnt see regularly but he soon got into the way of buying me birthday and Christmas cards. My birthday is also on Christmas Day and he always buys me separate presents. Once the children came along he always took them out to buy my presents and I always received a separate Christmas and birthday present from each child. Now the grandchildren are here we have returned to my childhood tradition of celebrating Christmas in the morning and my birthday in the afternoon. If we were away for my birthday and DH hadn't had a chance to get me a present I would at least expect him to suggest that we went out for a nice meal to celebrate and maybe flowers when we arrived home. With Internet these days there is no excuse. Funky Pigeon do brilliant cards that you can personalise and even send you birthday reminders and you can send flowers front anywhere.

I agree that it it is a little hurtful, but if your marriage is happy and your husband shows he cares in other ways, I would try not to be too upset. Maybe he has been programmed to mark his son's birthday, but not yours. As has been suggested, you could try throwing out a few hints in the days before your birthday, as long as you don't end up feeling that any card or present has been bought under duress. Some people just don't see such things as important. My OH sometimes sends me a card or flowers and at other times he doesn't. I tend to just make a joke about it these days. I've learned that it doesn't say anything about his feelings for me, and has freed me to not feel too much pressure to get him anything for his birthday, which he doesn't mind at all.

I'm with WendyBT, I've never had a present I didn't buy myself, and rarely a card. We don't bother much with birthdays, anniversaries, even Christmas since the kids left home. Now into our 50th year together, I actually find this whole gifting thing rather a chore.

Card and present for Xmas, Valentines Day, Birthday and Anniversary. I made that very clear 50 years ago. He gets the same.

I would definitely be upset. It seems to show a lack of care and effort. Does he know that you feel like this? The fact that he bought his son a present and card shows that he isn't oblivious of the need to recognise the day. Maybe he thinks you aren't bothered?

When it is your next birthday buy yourself something really nice and the soppiest card you can find.Then say I knew you wouldn't have time darling so I bought it for you but you might want to write the card yourself.Good luck

The least I would expect for Birthday & Christmas would be a card (DH didn't have shops near his work so we would go out on a Saturday together & he would go to card shop whilst I went to another shop, Christmas was fun as we always went into Card shop together but would purchase & pay for cards separately).

Christmas presents were usually token gifts & we would buy something we needed wanted for the home. Birthday presents were usually thoughtful gifts but if DH was stuck he would ask me what I would like.In some ways it was easy for him as I collected Lilliput Lane Cottages (lots of choice, always new ones, we would often go into shop so I could confirm the ones I had already got), always a surprise as I never knew which one he had bought

Apart from our 1st Wedding Anniversary we never exchanged cards but usually went out for a special meal, we were often on Holiday visiting my DM,

One year we went to our local Racecourse & had a meal. table for evening overlooking winning post & fireworks to end evening (both of us loved horse racing) for my Birthday

Some of the above tactics seem rather harsh to me and could backfire. Yes, he was wrong to give a card and present to his son but nothing for you. And yes, you were hurt, rightly. But my guess is that he has no idea and would be sad to know how hurt you're feeling.

Just find a quiet, relaxed moment to say, "darling there is something I want to tell you about my birthdays, especially as next year's a big one. I don't think you're fussed about birthdays but I love them. Or at least, I love the cards and presents; it makes me feel special and loved. Christmases too - it's just so nice to have something thoughtful from people I love. We were travelling this year of course but next time could you indulge me on this?"

My mother used to say to Dad at the shops, "It's my birthday next week dear. Pop in there and buy me a card while I look at these shoes." He wrote lovely messages in them.

Bit of a generalisation here but: if a man isn't good at guessing what his wife thinks, he assume she thinks the same as him until she says otherwise.

My late husband did reluctantly buy the odd birthday/Christmas card, but it didn't really mean that much as it seemed an effort. His reasoning was that they didn't go in for that sort of thing in their family. It would have been nice if he'd thought about my feelings on it though.

My birthday day before husbands. Right from day one he never bought card or present. Been married now 43 years and I buy my own card and present for birthday and wedding anniversary then I am not disappointed and get something I want. He is totally oblivious to memorable dates of any kind. Accept it and get your own gift.

Someone said men were like dogs and needed to be trained ! Still training my husband after 41 years. But he is kind and courteous to me day in and day out. More important than cards and presents.

We don't do birthday presents or cards either.

But we do usually go out for a nice meal.

I think the key to this is whether it bothers you. It would bother me and I'd probably not go shopping and serve sandwiches up for lunch and dinner until he asked what was wrong and say "Oh sorry darling it was like you with my birthday present, I just didn't have chance to get anything!" If he didn't get it, with a big, but determined smile .... I'd say 'and I probably won't have chance to get anything until I've unwrapped something nice'

It might be that he has no clue you're hurt ... or that he doesn't know what you want?
Opening personally addressed mail (not the junk stuff) is completely and absolutely unacceptable in my opinion.

Synonymous - you've nailed it totally. Respect!!!

stop buying him anything and on his sons next birthday when your asked to pick a card and present say very nicely with a smile on your face"oh dont you remember we dont do cards and presents in this family". As goes for opening your cards tell him in no uncertain terms that you enjoy opening YOUR cards and if he wants to open the card he buys for you thats fine.

I would definitely let him know at an appropriate time that I was very hurt and disappointed that at least we didn't even have a nice meal out.
Make a big fuss of him on his birthday. Maybe the penny might drop!!
He better not do it again though
????

Nancan, lots of different views on here, so I'll give you mine too. Firstly, obviously different families/couples have different expectations, but it would seem that you would like to be made a bit of a fuss of on your birthday, with a gift, card, and maybe a meal out too. Me too, I would be upset if my DH didn't make me feel a bit special on my birthday. It's nothing to do with how kind or thoughtful a husband is the rest of the time, it's your birthday, and you would like to celebrate it with your husband, and be made to feel a bit special on that particular day. After all, it's in our culture to celebrate birthdays, that's why children are made a fuss of, and receive gifts, cards and parties on their birthdays. It doesn't end when we become adults, we like to celebrate special days. Perhaps you could sit down with your husband and explain how you feel when he ignores your birthday (because that's what he's doing), tell him that although you know he loves you, it makes you feel uncared about. It would certainly make me feel uncared about, it would be as though the effort of buying a card and gift (doesn't have to be expensive) was too much bother. If all else fails, just buy yourself something nice every birthday.

As others have said, some men are useless at gifts etc, but opening your post is rude and controlling. That you must stop, you can remind him of all the rest.

I guess it's all about expectation - lower your expectation then you cannot be disappointed! However, easy for me to say as DH has always marked the anniversary date of our first meeting (39 years ago), our wedding anniversary, my birthday, Xmas & Valentines with cards and more. I do feel very lucky but would happily forgo some of these cards - DH must keep the manufacturers in business! DH's parents never shared anniversary cards despite long and happy marriage so it wasn't in his DNA but he cottoned on pretty quick! Don't want to make any assumptions but given your age (69) and length of marriage (8 year), perhaps your DH is quite set in his ways and not used to sending cards? I can understand him thinking them a waste of money perhaps but I think you should let him know that you would appreciate a gift or meal out on your Special Day - it is an opportunity to show how much you mean to him but if he does show you in other ways all year round, perhaps it is not such a big deal and count your blessings you have each other; opening your post is something else though and needs serious addressing!!

Nancan, I've had a similar problem with my dh so can sympathise. We've been married 10 years. Second marriage for us both. In that time I've made 3 big birthday parties for him, but most times I barely get a 'happy birthday, half hearted card.
As it was my big birthday coming up a few weeks ago, I made it clear at an early stage, that I wanted to celebrate it in style. Not necessarily expensive, but I wanted something arranged. And wouldn't settle for the status quo any more as it's hurtful and dismissive as if you are of no importance. In the end he, and my children came up trumps between them and it was a wonderful weekend spending it with the people that matter and having something arranged for me rather than me doing the arranging for others. What's wrong with them?

To be honest to me its the ongoing stuff that matters, not the one day recognition! So, he makes me a cuppa when I get home, goes out early for the papers to read in bed, goes out to the Sainsburys local when I fancy some chocolate, ...they matter more to me than the card!