children who emigrate / how do you cope?

I understand how sad you are Lindastarshine, but I would see it very differently. You brought up an intelligent young man who has made a career for hinself and is now following his dreams of exploring the world. That is what our young people have done for a long long time. You should be proud of yourself and your husband for creating such a wonderful young man. You will always be a parent, but your child is now an adult who has his own life to lead. Do not make him feel guilty, feel happy for him and try to embrace his new life as he is doing.

I to feel terrible suffering with anxiety and depression because my Son recently took up a teaching job half way across the world and had told me that he wants to start a new life there I thought I could deal with this but I am having a really hard time I to feel selfish as I wish he was back home or at least only on Europe your post is a year ago so I hope that things have settled I don't sleep well now, I'm off food feel so depressed my husband tells me to snap out of it. I am trying to.

We didn't exactly argue. He just said I can't imagine buying you X with such limited capacity to which I answered you didn't buy it, I did. He said that was not true and ended the conversation. It was like the last straw for him. He is working a very stressful job, he's a perfectionist, works 24x7 to support his family, from home. Is socially very inept. Here I go again, making all the excuses. His children don't bother with me. I get birthday cards expressing their love, but that is so hollow. Yes, I wonder if they will ever make a move. I've done everything I can to make contact with the children, sending them gifts, but it's like you say. I know them better than they know me. I will hold out as long as I can. It's their choice now. One thing that struck me as strange. My grandson who's is quite talented was offered a job in New York thus skipping College. It caused a big rift between them as he was only 17. My son said at the time, a year ago, I'm too old to be dealing with these teenage rifts and then went on to say it was much easier for me as I was so much younger! His kid have had everything on a plate! I never had anything to give my kids. I was very surprised to hear his logic on that one. My daughter said she doesn't know what is going on between my son and me. They only contact each other when necessary but are fine with each other. Very different personalities. She doesn't see it as important as she has a very busy life. There is no answer. Thank you for your support.

Btw how old are his children? Are they too young to contact you on their own? Or old enough that they are busy with their own activities? Either way, do you reach out to them at all? Cute cards, etc? Might be a good idea.

So glad you have a good relationship with dd and family and that you appreciate it!

Happydais, I'm so sorry for all you've been through and are going through now. xx

As for your son, it may not be so much a matter of his not forgiving as his not being used to your being a big part of his life. Some would want to include their mum now to make up for the past. But for some it might be too painful, and your son might be one of those.

Since you're the one who usually makes the first move, I doubt you'll hear from him again until you reach out to him. Do you feel like doing that? If you do, please avoid arguing with him about anything. Your relationship isn't strong enough to weather quarrels, imo. It doesn't matter who's right or wrong (and please realize he might he was right the last time). Keep things light and pleasant if you want to keep him and his children in your life.

I have to accept the fact that my son is very damaged by his upbringing. My ex didn't want the responsibility, we were very young, he lived like a single man in the Air Force. We had 5 homes before my son was 5, and he went to 5 different schools before he was 8. Hence the AF paying for boarding school. That way my ex got out of paying any maintenance. One thing after another, I never knew what was going to happen next. He said I could keep my daughter who is 2 years younger. I was young with no support, so yes.....I've made allowances for my son all his life, but surely there has to come a time when he can forgive. He is now 56. His father eventually married again, had no children, didn't want hers and passed away in 2000. Sorry this is such a morbid post. My health hasn't been good for many years. I got so burnt out by the time I was 50 I've had chronic fatigue since. I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a wonderful daughter and one GC, but like all kids his diary is so full and he spends all his spare time in sports or with friends. I'm lucky that I get a hug when I visit! So when I'm alone, feeling very tired my thoughts run away with me. Thank you so much for listening.

Happydais So sorry for your hurt, but good you are now living near your daughter, has she children? She sounds very caring & loving, did she go to boarding school? I must say for a child of 8yrs to go away from home to school, 100miles away and no weekend trips home, must have been terrible for him, hence his behaviour to you now, he probably thinks you didn't want him at home with you, especially if his sister stayed home with you, is she the youngest.?

It's comforting to read that I'm not alone in the way I feel, but I don't know how I could have done things differently. I have a long story about how I got here, but I will just write down the ending. My son, first, then my daughter emigrated to the US in 1992 and 1996. Their errant father was not there for us, so I was a single, unsupported mother. I was heartbroken when they both emigrated and spent the next 20 years visiting 2 or 3 times a year. My daughter often paying my airfare. My son, against my wishes was sent to a boarding school aged 8, 100 miles from me and I had no car or money. I did my utmost to see him every 2 or 3 weeks. To get to the present, I did everything I could to make a life for myself in England, but weekends were very hard alone. So my daughter asked me to move to the USA, which I agreed to 5 years ago. I have no regrets, I miss my friends, have no other family apart from my son. And this is my problem. My son has two teenagers and an American wife. He has ever, ever visited me. He very rarely picks up the phone or enquires how I am. I have always been the first to contact and visit him. On the last occasion he slammed the phone down on me over a disagreement. I was so surprised as he was in the wrong. I thought his battery has failed. He said he was too busy to argue with me and I haven't heard from him since. My grandchildren don't contact me and neither does his wife. I've told myself over and over to let it go but deep down it hurts. I will never be part of their lives.

"This is rites of passage time for the middle aged, older parent, isn't it? "

I think you've nailed it, Day6.

It's not easy either.

Thanks Luckylegs and Starlady.

You are right Starlady. They have become their own 'rocks'and I am proud that they are independent and doing well for themselves. I want to guide them still, stupidly. I know, looking back, when I was in my late 20s I thought I knew it all but it's amazing what ageing teaches us and how our perspective and attitudes often change as we grow older. I cannot put my 'wisdom garnered with age' outlook on them either.

They have to go off and learn things for themselves, just as we all do. I am still learning about life!

The instinct to guide and advise them remains strong though. I know I have to sit back now and let them (if they want to) tell me about their lives.

We are close, thankfully. I just don't have those talkative, exuberant children that so many of my friends seem to have. They are fun but also enjoy deep and serious discussion when they get together. The children arrange things together and share the same sort of humour. I am glad they love each other, but they are becoming thinly spread now in terms of where they live. I try to be the anchor and bring them together if possible but I suspect the times when we'll all be able to gather for the same occasion will be few and far between.

I think I have to learn to let go and accept what will be, will be. I know I am loved and respected and I know I have done my best for them. It's just a shame family tends to drift away. The bonds remain but the gatherings won't happen as much. (I am still sad, but reflecting, accepting and slapping myself for being a sentimental old fool.)

This is rites of passage time for the middle aged, older parent, isn't it?

I hope I could accept it, also, though, like Luckylegs, I don't really know. I think it's very normal for you to hurt, Day6, but, like others, I'm sure it will get easier with time.

I'm glad you're wise enough to be letting go of the "Little House on the Prairie" fantasy. Maybe you shouldn't try so hard to bring them all together either. You're looking at this in terms of whether or not they want to be with you, but is it possible that they don't really enjoy each others' company? Some adult siblings just don't.

Also, how would you be any more - or less - of a "rock" for your older son because of a few miles difference? If you're a rock for him here, you'll be one for him when he's in London. If you're not, then you're not, no matter how close he lives. I'm sure you're a great source of support and encouragement to all your ac. But I think this "rock" thing is just idea you've created in your own mind. Now that ods is relocating, that idea has been turned on its head, but I'm sorry, it was probably never real. That hurts, too, I suppose and I'm sorry. But please take pride in the fact that ods can be independent and is most likely a rock for himself.

Your own experience shows you that a young person can go out on their own, be just fine, not give much thought to their mum, and yet still love and care about her very much. I'm sure that's how you ac feel about you.

Day6, think you have summed it up. It must be so difficult to live with. A friend of mine, had her son emigrate 12 years ago, he is back now for 2 months, saying he might be relocating back here. She has not interfered in any way, she filled her life with so many activities as she wanted him to live the life he wants without guilt tripping him. She has a husband and daughter, but was always closer to her son. In private she desperately would love him to come back here, but just said to him, you must do what you feel is right. I admire her so much, don't know how I would be, but hope I could accept it like she has, they have to live their lives, their way.

Thank you ffinnochio and Yogagirl.

Was thinking this morning that I left home at 18 and stayed away for a decade. During that time I didn't think too much about my Mum, although we wrote to each other regularly. I imagine as she waved me off, her heart was breaking, but it didn't occur to me at the time, or indeed, during my youth that she might be hurting or feeling a sense of loss.

I guess we age and become wiser and that wisdom should tell me that we don't own our children and that they don't owe us in any way. We chose to have them. They have to go off and live their lives as they see fit. The children we nurture into individuals, and much as I'd like a 'Little House on the Prairie' closeness, it is just a yearning.

The reality is they become their own people and we have to be happy that we have taught them well and given them a good start. Job is done once they reach adulthood and we have to let go.

Whether it's 60 miles away or in another continent, we miss having them near and sharing their lives.

It's hard to live with though.

Day6

...and it is only London.

Day6. I don't for one minute think you're stupid. Of course your heart hurts. It's natural and, given time, will hurt less.

I've come to realise that expectations of how life will be when the children have grown and flown are not always as one would wish. I gather strength from understanding that their lives are theirs to live now, and to take a step back.

As time has gone by, and my sons have matured and become fathers, the love and affection between us has grown, not diminished, but it takes time, openness and trust.

Sending good wishes to you, day6, especially today, it will get easier in time and console yourself that its only London and not overseas.

,

I have been feeling really sad and very down since son announced he had got a job in London. He leaves his home town next weekend, with all his belongings packed into his friend's van. He is clearing out his flat today (Bank Holiday) and is working the rest of the week, so declined my offer of meeting for lunch because he is too busy. That is perfectly understandable.

I know - it's only London, a few hours away down the motorway, not the other side of the world, but I will miss his genial presence so much. He won't be back, and his weekends will be precious to him. Not only that, although he is very clever and has a good job, he hasn't had any lasting relationships. He has been left broken hearted twice in the last seven years and has also had counselling for depression, which he cannot shake off. He is a bit of a loner, very independent. I like to think that here, just two miles away, I can be a rock for him, even though we don't see each other very often. Add to that his chronic health problems which can cause hospitalisation at times, I am just so scared for him, so frightened that he is going off alone to start a new life with no one in it.

I feel bereft and slightly terrified but I know I am being stupid. My heart hurts. He doesn't know this. I am sending out all sorts of positive vibes about a new adventure, exciting future, new challenges and of course how well he's done to land this job.

However, he is still my boy, and always will be.

One other child works abroad and rarely comes hme or contacts me, and my daughter doesn't live very far away but sees much more of her in laws than she does of me. They see more of our grandchildren too. Stupid to be jealous but I feel she has grown away from me since she had children. Just recently I gathered them all together for a rare family lunch. (So hard to get them all together in the same place now.)

They all seemed to me like they would rather have been elsewhere. They were superficially pleasant but not particularly talkative or good company. I felt so deflated. The bonhomie and closeness I like to think we have was so lacking.

They all work hard and they all have busy social lives so I definitely feel that I have become a bit of a 'duty' or even a burden by wanting them to share their lives with me.

I was a single (divorced) mother and worked so hard to give them a good family life. We were a close little team. Now, there is a hole in my heart that hurts so much. They don't know about it. I was alone this weekend and not one of them even texted me.

I think I am asking too much. It hurt so much when one by one they left the family home, leaving their empty bedrooms behind (oh the heartache we all feel!) but now as fully fledged adults their lives don't really include me any more.

I must accept it and be glad they are all doing their own thing, but the sadness that I am an afterthought (and the particular worry for son number one) is eating me up.

So many posts here that I could relate too. I have found solace in reading them, knowing I am not alone in feeling as I do. I have a partner (not their father) and appreciate I must just get on with life but I feel so empty and low. Being a mother so pulls at the heart strings, forever, it would seem.

Of course we do NannaM. And there are a few extra tears on leaving. But always proud of them.

I agree wildswan. But I have to admit that when they visit I hug them just a little longer and just a little tighter than if they were living in the next suburb!

My grandson informed me yesterday that he intends to emigrate to Australia when he grows up. I'm already stressing about this.

You are right wildswan we should be happy for our independent children and enjoy our own lives.

BlueBelle, Quite wise, needs repeating: "I know they ll spent all that money to travel to my funeral, and I know it will hurt them and they ll cry and want me back but it won't change me now, spend the money now and blow the funeral"

Yup Storynanny, I can't always bite my lip when people say how lucky to have one son in NZ and the other (and two GCs) in Perth. I do though sometimes point out that when i go to see them it's not a "holiday", it's a family visit. My DH is not their dad so normally I go on my own. It's expensive, and it takes at least 2 weeks to get over the trip. But I am lucky that I can go. I find that often something like FaceTime or Viber work better (on the iPhone) than Skype. Toughest times are when their lives are not going that well. Lots of people on here saying things like "they've got great jobs" etc- but over the last 10 years I have had to cope with one son having a serious cancer and the other one a whole range of stresses and worries. And they are both self-employed with no security that you get with a proper job. So I also sometimes want to snap at people who blithely say things like "of course they have a nice life". What helps? Reminding myself that my Gran coped with her second son emigrating to Canada in the 1950s, when there were no international phone calls or international jet-travel. And he went within 2 years of my father dying at 34. She made the best of what she had I think. Being busy, doing things for other people and living in the moment rather than dwelling on what might have been (aka mindfulness) all help. But I think sad moments are inevitable.

We have 2 sons, one who cut us out of his and his children's lives almost 5 years ago and the other who went to live in Aus. just 4 months after the cut out happened.

We knew of course for some time before he and our Dd.i.l. went that they were going and I was finding it difficult to come to terms with. Then, when we lost our relationship with his brother the prospect of him living so far away filled me with horror.

We keep in regular contact, almost every week usually with skype and we visit them and they come back to the UK. DS always sends us cards on birthdays etc which he'd often forget to do when he lived close by.

We miss him terribly, probably more than we would have done if his brother was still a part of our lives. I weep for joy when we see him and he gives me that first hug and I feel each time we say goodbye that my heart is breaking.

We do worry about the future; as we get older and for financial and health reasons we wont be able to visit as often and there may come a time when we wont be able to go at all. We love the time that we do spend together. I've got about 8 voice messages saved so that I can listen to his voice when ever I'm really missing him; which is usually once a week!!