children who emigrate / how do you cope?

I believe once you are a parent then you are a parent for life. However, my children are not children for life - they become adults with their own wishes, values, expectations and dreams.

Yes, I am sometimes sad if they live the other side of the world, but am happy that I brought them up to follow their own independent path. Surely that is what we strive for as we nurture them.

I am not devastated, angry or anything else. I just consider it a part of life's path and I am so happy and grateful that they are where they want to be.

Everyone's story resonates with me in some sway.

I have a son who has been is Aus for over 10years has a great lifestyle and career. I try not to think about it too much as it would consume me.

He and his partner have decided not to have children.
I am very fortunate that I have been involved closely with the lives of my grandchildren(DDS + DIS) here in the UK.

I will never be able to visit due to serious health problems and we do FaceTime about 3times a year!...Christmas and birthdays!

He has such a full on lifestyle that they are away most weekends. I am excited for him that he is getting to live the life he wanted but I also know that he misses his family and I do not put pressure on him to feel that he has to worry about me in any way, because there is little he can do at that distance.

He comes home about once every 3years and is coming back early next year but I will probably see him for a couple of hours the whole time he is here as his partner's mother lives 150miles away and that is where they stay.

I just have to accept that that's the way but is is never easy.

Catwoman 22, my DD and her 3 children have just left after their annual visit from abroad, I do understand how you feel. Putting away the toys, stripping beds etc seems so final and the house so quiet. I am lucky they are only an 8hr flight away and DD tries to get back each year.
I try and focus on catching up with things I have ignored whilst they were staying, but it never gets any easier.

Not pathetic or ridiculous at all - it would break my heart if my daughter emigrated.

This is the first time I have commented on any subject but just want to add my thoughts. I totally understand how you feel - I have just said goodbye to my daughter and 2 grandsons who have been staying with me for a month and are now on their way back to Australia. It doesn't get any easier and at the moment I keep looking at photos from the past month wishing I could turn the clock back and have that time again - which I know is futile but at least they keep the memories fresh. Youngest one is 18 months and quite a character, older one is 4 and quite a conversationalist- I miss all the chatter and the house is so quiet. I'd give anything to have all the mess again, a bit trying at times but the youngest one could always make me laugh, something that seems to be missing when it's just me and my other half indoors. Still can't bear to take the sheet off the travel cot to wash it as I want to have that smell for a little longer (no, not a bad smell! haha). I know I have to get the house straight again - toys everywhere still, little bits of their food still in the fridge, sticky finger marks etc. etc. but still feel so sad. Suppose it's part and parcel of getting older - I keep wishing for the past when everyone seemed to stay near to family and life was at a slower pace. I know I have to feel happy for them, having such a nice life in Australia but it doesn't stop me feeling sad for myself - which I know sounds so selfish. What makes this seem even more ridiculous is that I have another 2 grandchildren who live not too far away so in that respect I am very lucky, but it was so nice to see all 4 of them together if only for a short time - just wish we could have that more often. If anything, it makes me determined to make the most of life now and to stop dwelling on what can never be. At 64 I am hopeful that I can do a bit more travelling and look forward, instead of looking back. Only blip at the moment is that hubby has health issues - so, in that respect it was hard for him to say goodbye knowing that he may have quite a major operation to contend with this year.
Anyway, enough of my moaning, I know in a few days time I will feel better and I know - after reading this back - that it sounds so pathetic, bearing in mind the awful things that happen in this world.
Just needed to get my thoughts out of my head as could not sleep a wink last night (thinking I would hear the baby crying). Right - note to self! - stop it now!! xx

Azie Don't get chased off, I got chased off my thread for a while by unkind, cruel posters. For you

Jayanna you appear to have just joined the conversation and having read all the posts, I assume you are referring to me.
I find your comment harsh. I was expressing pain as are virtually all posting here.
I do not have grandchildren yet. I feel for those who have told their stories here. It's bad enough having children on the other side of the world, I can see that I too may one day additionally miss seeing my grandchildren grow up.
Our family has been warm and close. We chat and laugh and play together. I miss that closeness but I recognise that life paths may take people apart despite their best intentions.
Why are people so horrible to each other? The warmth of my children has always been a bulwark. I've seen the nasty things that get said, even on a forum like this where you'd think people more likely to be kind, that's why I've lurked rather than posted. So easy to be nasty. Thank you to those who have expressed their dismay and pain or told of ways they cope, it helped me a lot. I won't post again. Well done Jay Anne, you've added to my pain. I wonder what your story is.

Just read the post that says "families should be together".Now how do you manage that unless they marry the boy next door. Or perhaps the poster meant HER family should be together, even if it means splitting somebody else's. I'd be interested to hear how she sees that working.

My estranged D&GC live just 5mins down the rd. and my Son just 45mins, but they may as well be in OZ or even on the Moon

My heart goes out to you Jasperis1 in particular, as it must be so much worse to have a son or daughter living close who has cut off all communication. A dear friend of mine is in that position, the son who lives reasonably close has stopped all contact with no explanation, whilst her other son and his family have emigrated to New Zealand. Luckilly they have been over as a family for a few weeks this year and one of the Grandsons stayed on with her for almost 6 weeks, whilst another came over a couple of years ago and stayed for a few months.

My eldest grandson has just returned from Japan where he did the third year of his Uni course. For some time we all felt he would eventually settle in Japan as he loves the country and now he has a lovely Japanese girlfriend we are even more certain of it. My DD and SiL went over earlier in the year and met the young lady and were very impressed, especially when she told my DD that she would be happy to live wherever he wanted to. She is coming over here for Christmas so will meet the rest of the family then. Of course all my DD's family, including his 2 brothers, will miss him terribly but are very proud of him and only want him to be happy. I told my DD that she should be proud of herself for giving him the confidence to take such a big step.

Thanks for the flowers, but just to clarify, I didn't feel my post was sad, nor am I heartbroken. Rather, I see all the positives in my children and their families lives.
We all know we miss one another, love one another and we talk a lot about our feelings, and our different and independent lives.
This is how it is for us, so we get on with life within the existing circumstances.

In our case, distance has made all of our hearts grow fonder, and I do realise how fortunate I am that this is so.

I'm sorry there's such sadness for some of you.

Need to add to the above, that whilst living in Holland I had another D {now estranged} we had a special bond, or so I thought, as I delivered her myself, at home on my own without help. My C were 3,6 & 9 when their dad left for pastures new and then a year later we returned to UK and to their dear nannie & granddad.

I've read all the posts now, {flowers] for Marnie Jasperis* and of course Jordana If I could write all your names for I would, so for all on here

Reading all your sad posts is somehow a solace for me, as like Jasperis & Ruby my beloved D cut me and all of her birth family out of her and precious GC lives 4yrs this month! We had such a special bond too, as D&GD lived with me. All down to her nasty H & his mother; jealousy. My GD even had her name taken away by her nasty stepdad, as it was the same as mine,[middle & last] her first name I chose. The pain is with me all the time.

Reading your posts, I think of my mum, as I lived in South Africa for 6yrs, after 4yrs I had my first baby, but went home to have her, tying in my sister's wedding. I lived with my parents till my baby was 6weeks old, then returned to Sth Africa. During this time my mum really bonded with baby, holding her all the time & helping to care for her. So I now fully realise her pain when I left. When she returned home after the airport, she said to my dad on seeing the cot, "Oh, put that away, I can't look at it!" No Skype, FB, mobiles or even a home phone, only the post, so very cut-off.

When my D was 2yrs I persuaded my H to return to UK, so my D could know her nannies & granddads, aunties & uncles. I had a Son and we were very close to my mum & dad, but my H couldn't settle and we moved to Holland just after my Son's 1st birthday, so again I broke my mum's heart, but we visited each other all the time and phoned and always spent Xmas's together, either in Holland or UK. After divorce I returned to UK, near my parents, so at last my mum & dad had their GC on their doorstep and rest of family just 45mins away in London. But reading your stories has made me realise how my mum [& dad] must have missed us all so badly, but they never said!

Whoops ....Our children .....

Sometimes I feel so sad and wonder why my DS2 left me his mum to live in Aus was I not a good mum that he wanted to see daily, weekly or even monthly was a question I often ask myself.
Then I realised it was hard for him to but he fell in love with a wonderful women living over here for a limited time. On her return he followed his heart and they are a perfect couple and always comes home every 2 years so I must be happy for him as a mother that's all we really want for are children

Very good post Bluebelle above[4th Nov 5.57] I've only read to top of 2nd page, but will read more, as being estrangement from my precious D&GC for 4yrs, with them just 5mins down the rd. I share the same feelings of loss

Bluebelle you really have "hit the nail on the head" and what you say is completely "spot on", I couldn't have put it any better. We all try and put a brave face as best we can. I really appreciate the comments on the thread I started and feel humbled by all your concern. I guess we now have our own wee club!

I think whether they are near or far there comes a time when the visiting and contacting slows down, with us it seems to be now the DGC are mostly in their teens, mums and dads in full time work and interests and hobbies galore. We looked after some of the DGC on a weekly basis and I certainly miss seeing them. Eldest DD far away although still in UK we see about once or twice a year if we are lucky, no falling out just her work and family responsibilities, we chat on the phone but are not able to be a big part of their lives.

Yes hugs to everyone

Jordana Just reading your posts, I do feel for you, & missing, loving & wishing your family lived nearer is not selfish, it's a normal mothers feeling of longing for her child & grandchildren to be near, to hug & kiss & to say and hear the "I love yous"

And for all the other Mothers/Grandmothers in the same boat

Rubylady, I think Wales or any distance really, produces the same pain of separation. My ED lives in Wales. She is friendlier since her sisters went, maybe she feels the gap too but she's busy with her job, her boyfriend (they don't want children they say) and her animals - horses, dog, cat and waifs from the animal sanctuary where she helps in her 'spare' time.

Everyone is so busy these days with their own lives and the incredible opportunities life offers for those with the money to spend on holidays and hobbies. I sometimes think we must seem boring. I am only in my mid 60s but I'm getting health problems kicking in, the worst of these is arthritis which I am increasingly frightened by. I didn't have an especially happy childhood, my mum was a single parent who was stressed and not always kind. I was determined to give my children a better time of it and they have been given so much. I don't exactly think they owe me for this but I would like to feel more thought about than I do. Several posters have commented that as distance grows we have less and less in common with children who live far away and so less to say or share about our lives. I find Skype infuriating, all froth and jamming in funny or scarey incidents but that's not life, everyday life is cups of tea and the mundanity of intimacy.

Hugs to everyone. Enjoy your dog rubylady. I have an old cat, my elderly dog died several years ago but I'm going to replace her soon. I'd rather spend my money on a dog who's here than on a long, debilitating flight somewhere for a few weeks. Oh yes, i am terrified of flying for multiple reasons, doesn't help, does it?

I put my DD on the plane yesterday, back to Aus. Very sad, she has been there for 17 years, has a lovely husband a great job and a lifestyle that she loves.
They don't have children, and I am very selfish in being a bit glad. (They didn't want children) It's very different maintaining a good relationship With an adult than developing one with a child at long distance. I feel so sorry for my friends and all of you in that position.
Now that we have just had a visit it will be easier when we Skype but in a few months then it will become harder as we have no common topical things to chat about.
We have been lucky that we have seen them every year since she left and we like her DH very much.
We probably spend as much time with them over a year as we would do if they lived in , say, the West Country. BUT it's a horrible journey and unless we win the lottery it won't get any easier and as been mentioned before staying with , even a beloved D, can get stressful after a little while. So what we get is a mixture of highs and lows.
D2 lives a mile away and has one S so we see him regularly.
Would be better if D1 was over here for us but maybe not for her. She has lovely in-laws so has a proper family life.
At the end of the day we have to take what we get and make the best of it but it's not easy for a lot of us.

I think we all have these same dreams of playing with lots of grandkids round us the latest baby on your knee the pot of warm comfort food simmering on the stove the toddlers running past asking for nanas biscuits and instead we are sitting on our own feeling sad or trying to catch a moment of their little faces on Skype, searching through FB to gaze at the latest pictures perhaps seeing photos of the other Nan at the park with them, feeling jealous but knowing we shouldn't be, feeling lonely to the point of depression, knowing they have their own life, their own choices like we did when we were young Remembering all the sacrifices yes it's a strong word but huge huge sacrifices to give your own little people a safe start, feeling strongly that one good parent was better than a war zone, the closeness, the total oneness against the world and suddenly nothing, all gone and we have to smile between our private tears and stand up tall and get on with life because there is no other way We have to talk small talk and pretend we re ok for our own sanity I know my kids love me I m lucky, I know they ll spent all that money to travel to my funeral, and I know it will hurt them and they ll cry and want me back but it won't change me now, spend the money now and blow the funeral

Add all the parents with kids thousands of miles away to all the parents with kids who walk away for whatever reason and we are a big club I don't know the answer just keep plodding on I guess

My son is in Wales, does that count as emigrating? I cannot physically get to see him so it is up to him to come home to see me.

My ED lives 60 miles away but I don't get to see her or my DGSs, so life sucks no matter what sometimes. I try to get on with my own life but do have many moments during the day where my mind wonders and it makes me feel so sad. We were a team when I divorced, just the three of us, so it breaks my heart now that they don't want me in their lives the same. I do wonder if it is my health problems. I know it is with my son, but, as I was a fit healthier mum partying when my daughter was at home, I wonder if my deterioration of my health leads her to bury her head in the sand and pretend with not seeing me that I am ok. All I know is that I struggle every hour with feeling poorly and they are not here to cheer me or give me a hug. It's a good job I have my little doggie, I can tell you. X

Azie, people don't understand unless they are also in this situation. I always imagined myself and DH growing old surrounded by our children and grandchildren. Unfortunately this is not the case and as you say, hobbies, friends etc just do not fill the gap they leave. To be told "get on with your own lives" doesn't help, our lives always included our loved ones and we cannot help how we feel when they are not there.

Feeling particularly sad today as it is our GS' 10th birthday next week, another one we will not be able to share with him.

I don't think we are being selfish, I am thinking of him missing out on contact with grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousins.

I am so glad to see this thread. I am just at the beginning of this as my twin daughters are heading for New Zealand intending to stay one or two years they say. However, they are already travelling in the US and they are such outdoorsy, lively sorts that I can imagine them staying. Especially as one of them has her boyfriend along.

Of course I want them to have great opportunities and a good life but I am already struggling. I feel so lonely and depressed even though I have one other daughter (she lives 200 miles away) and even though I have a DH, friends and hobbies. They don't fill the hole inside. I hate Skype calls, they make me feel worse. I'm better if I can actually push them away and pretend I don't remember them anymore. It's not rational but it is a way of dealing with the pain. I wouldn't let them know about this but I do dread the future. I think it's normal for a loving being to hate such a rupture, families were meant to be together.