children who emigrate / how do you cope?

But they don't ask to be born, we have children because (in the main) we want a family, not for someone to look after us in our old age.

No you're not selfish. I personally feel that our children owe us, especially as we get older. A lot of parents give up a lot for their offspring and children today are extremely selfish. They have no regard for their parents, in fact they treat them as a burden and a nuisance.

Oh Marnie how sad it just shows distance isn't the only enemy Keep trying, don't give up How old is your little grandson can you set up some contact with him ? Don't lose hope I don't know what else to say you sound so defeated .... what can help ?

When my children were young my SIL lived out of the country so I used to visit her MIL
to make sure she was OK we developed a wonderful relationship,she was like a grandma to my children and I really loved her she ended up helping me various times as well as we had no family.Maybe you could offer to help some family or school to help you through your sadness ,of course it isn't the same but could be fun.

Marnie, please don't give up. I am sorry that you feel so worthless. I really hope that your family realise how you feel and that your situation improves in the future. Hope these help to cheer you up.

No you are not selfish at all. Just a loving mother trying to do the best for everyone

Does Emilie have any children I wonder?
Or is she simply very bitter.

Marnie i am so sorry you feel this way but can assure you that none of our 3 DDs live near us nor do they differentiate between us and their in-laws.
Do everything you can to retain contact . Send little tokens of your affection to your grandchildren, cards, photos., etc. Will Skype by a possibility, or WhatsApp? Ascertain why they behave in this hurtful way and aim to calmly alter this. If necessary, get the support of your co-grandparents.

In the meantime, do join support groups. Life is worth living, even without grandchildren nearby and there is much out there to raise a smile and lift a sad mood.

use the good old-fashioned post to send postcards, cards, letters and small parcels
Just posted a very light parcel to DGS (just a little surprise) and it cost £5.55 by airmail!!
However, he's worth it

Just want to correct you on one point Smurf You can private message, private phone call and private video all through FB Contact doesn't have to be on the public pages I regularly speak (phone) privately to NZ Ireland and Zimbabwe through the FB option

Very hard when long distances involved. Daughters tend to go towards their parents for childcare Christmas etc. Only seen my DGS twice in 18 months although DIL parents live close to us they are the ones who babysit do daily childcare Christmas and birthday. I have had counselling and in my head now my son's don't exist. They do not keep in touch, I try but they are always too busy to talk. Can't wait for my end it is all sorted so they don't have to worry or do anything. I am content with me.

My daughter is in her early 30s and until a few months ago lived in the same town as me, but then moved several hundred miles away involving a flight or ferry trip. She left behind my GD who will be 13 this month ?? and has lived with me most of her life. I love babies, toddlers and young children, but hormonal teenagers are def not my cup of tea! My daughter would occasionally take her out shopping or out for a meal, but now there is no practical support due to distance. Most of the time my GD is fine but there are times when trying to cope with teenage hormones and problems all seems to be too much at my age!! Sometimes being far away seems like it would be an advantage!! I definitely object to only being able to go on short breaks/holidays during school holidays unlike my other retired friends who are able to travel whenever they want to at bargain prices! My son has a toddler and they live a couple of hours away so it is lovely to see him a few times a year. I keep in touch with my son regularly via What's App and it is lovely to see regular photos of my DGS and it's free and private - unlike FB where all and sundry can see everything you post.
I think one has to accept that GC in their 20s are really busy and are unlikely to contact you unless you contact them. What about going away for Christmas maybe with friends? There are lots of folk out there who will be lonely this Christmas so decide what you would enjoy this year with your husband and go for it. Living with a teenager can be lonely as she spends most of her time at school, doing homework or listening to music in her bedroom or is out with friends leaving me to enjoy the peace and quiet!

emc2, I advise you to find a local U3A and/or WI. Both these groups should have kind and interesting people (or our age!) who will make you welcome, plus a wealth of activities which you can join in with if you wish.
In reference to jordana's thread, I truly sympathise. Our DS & only child and his family are 5000 miles away, in California. DS went 21 years ago and wife a year later, and DGC were born there. DH & I have been lucky enough to see them every year and to be part of their lives, but it's hard to be so far away from them the rest of the time. Skype, email, Facebook, and the phone are all helpful, but one thing I do, which I don't think has been mentioned here, is to use the good old-fashioned post to send postcards, cards, letters and small parcels. The children are delighted to get these. Little, regular contcats, all help.

I do sympathise with you Jordana. Have pretty much the same feelings about one of my sons who lies abroad. It is tough, particularly as I am divorced, have no partner and have just moved to an area where I am still trying to make new friends.

Agree with Jess M about trying to be busy and interested in other people if possible.

PS Am dreading Christmas as it also my birthday and am pretty certain I will be spending it alone.

life is tough, my daughter lives near me and honestly sometimes it is too near. why are we never satisfied with our lot. My sister has no grandchildren and misses what she has never had to an extent it causes her much unhappiness.

Hi, i think that lots of families are not as close as they would like, it may be that even if your grandchildren were living near you you wouldn't see them very often ? thats life i'm afraid, i would suggest that you find some hobbies and interests for yourself to keep you happy and busy, life is what you make it, you can't rely on others to fulfil you, you are not being selfish wanting more but you may just have to accept that, thats the way it is and if you had more going on in your own life you would have less time to think about missing your family, you could volunteer or invite a single parent family or an older lonely person to join you for xmas, there are plenty of things you could be doing. life is far to short to be moping about thinking of what you haven't got, get out there and do something for yourself and enjoy your health and mobility while you,ve still got it, have fun

This makes me feel awful because I moan about my son and his family being in Liverpool (the rest of us are in London). We have a family Facebook message group that everyone is on, even my 91 year old dad, and my son and daughter constantly update it with photos and videos of family life. It's not public at all as it is on Messenger.
It makes us all feel so much closer and it has given my dad's life new meaning since my mum died. I know people moan about Facebook but really it has been a wonderful thing for my family.

Chin up rabbit gran, I feel for everyone in this situation and now I don't feel so guilty having thoughts I never thought I would have against my daughter. I realise I am not alone and that has helped a lot. I worked part time and looked after my daughters 3 children while she went back to work and then she emigrated. So I saw the g children loads of times and then down to nothing. Now I am semi retired and when alone and in the middle of night these morbid and sad thoughts appear. Hugs to all

It's heartbreaking having children so far away. DS went to Australia in 2010 after a bad relationship break up when I tried to be there for him as much as possible. He came back in 2012 with his girlfriend whom he'd met over there. She's lovely and I'm glad they're together but dreading them going back to Australia later this month for good. I just got sadder and sadder last time, don't know how I'll cope with them away for the rest of my life. Of course, I try not to let them know how I feel and act positive. They're very affectionate when they're with us but are busy and don't contact much. Years ago, I asked DS to keep in contact more but he was annoyed and it made no difference. I shall try to keep busy, have a married DD and 2 grandchildren 50 miles away. She had the kids in difficult circumstances and we moved to be nearer and gave lots of support, both time and financial. When she moved to be with her new partner, we were glad for them but as the grandchildren have become teenage, of course they need to do their own thing. Again very affectionate when they see us but much less contact now. I am selfish because I feel a bit resentful that I was consumed by both DS and DD difficulties for so long just when I expected to be free and had trained for a new career. It just seems so difficult to try and focus on my own life now without them, I'm not interested in me any more! Thanks for the opportunity to vent.

I have just re-read all the posts and feel empathy with so many of the views expressed. We are heading off to visit our family in Australia tomorrow so very excited. Very mixed emotions though. As soon as the long anticipated trip begins I start to think how it will be over too soon then you have to face the goodbyes. We do get on with life between visits and yes I wish them well but I know that black hole inside where I miss them. I feel I leave a bit of my heart behind every time I see them. Also feeling very sad to have said goodbye to my grandchildren and daughter in law here. We will miss them so much while we are away so we can never really feel complete.

Perhaps emilie doesn't have a family yet?

If you read the thread emilie I think you may find that people are getting on with their own lives but their love for their families shines through in every post.

I feel for you and agree the hole it leaves in your family never gets any easier. I have a daughter who doesn't live far away lives alone and cut all of us off suddenly without any explanation just over 5 yrs ago. Can't phone can't call round numbers of her broth sister and me all blocked and won't answer door. She has a little niece and nephew who would love to get to know her as she is their only Auntie. I have no idea whatsoever why this has happened. I still have days when I cry so much because of missing her in my life (hubby says I just have to live with it). Yes I know that but I can't. Christmas is awful no card nothing. I put gift cards through her door for Birthdays and Christmas but don't know if she even uses them. I write on her Birthday and Christmas cards that I love and miss her. My heart really goes out to you. I've been on a course for CBT but nothing is going to mend my very sad heart.

My daughter emigrated to Australia ten years ago and has two children 2 and a half and one - I've been over to see them twice and the children were so friendly and happy to be with me it was lovely and we try to FT but it's hard with the time difference and the reality is I won't really know them and aren't really a part of their lives. It does make me smile sometimes when I read posts from people saying how exhausting it is looking after their grandchildren and they feel a bit used sometimes - I'd swap places you in an instant !!!

You didn't, t moan at all nanny deep. You were only sharing your feelings and understanding that most of us do feel that ,back hole and that there will always be a part of us missing. Yes it is natural to feel sorry for oneself at certain times ie xmas and b days etc but obviously we all try hard not to dwell on it and yes try to make a life and enjoy it. We all try to put a brave face on it, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, t

I have 2 sons, one in NZ getting married next year and one in Channel Islands married with kids. And I am divorced, without a partner.

I am both enormously impressed that my sons have sought out and undoubtedly achieved a better standard and quality of life, especially for kids, and at the same time feel at times utterly desolate, living alone as I do.

I feel recrimination from my dear small grandchildren when it is time for me to go home after a visit. Exactly: it just feels plain wrong.

If anyone has a 'solution' I'd love to know what it is. I can't see it. We have no template for this. At times I feel like I am existing in a vacuum. I work part time in a professional role which is rewarding, I have a busy leisure activity schedule and good friends who are wonderful special people.

But somehow that's just not the point. This is something else...a black hole. A wrenching we're just not naturally equipped to withstand; quite the opposite in fact: the instinctive 'pull' is towards, not apart. Including for them in large part. Their instinct is for independence, quite right, but this does not mean by definition vast geographical distance.

So....we battle to process and integrate an experience which is essentially one of fragmentation. A contradiction in terms.