children who emigrate / how do you cope?

Must be so difficult at this time of the year with all the adverts etc that seem to include family gatherings. In our culture its so much harder as we all tend to have separate homes and lives whilst in Asia the families tend to live together. Not that I would have wanted to live with my son and five young children! I agree with all that Anya put down so well and just hope that you can find a way. A friend of mine visits her son, on her own leaving hubby at at home, every year for the month of November and has a pre Christmas celebration. Maybe this is something you could do.

No, you're not selfish, you're a mum! It'd be odd if you weren't affected. I have a son in Oz and a daughter in America. My only two children so far away.

My son has no children but my daughter has 2 children so even the thought of them flying over here to see us (they last did that in 2011) is out of the question because of course, they'd have to pay full fare for plane tickets.

We've managed a couple of visits to Oz and a few more visits to the States but now, like you, my husband has heart problems and the cost of travel insurance is astronomical. We would fly again but only once we're confident he's over the uncertainty of his condition.

We do facetime every week on Sundays. Morning with son and late afternoon with daughter & grandchildren.

It's all you can do. Remember the days when they were little and people used to say "Cherish these days, they don't last long!? They were right, weren't they?!

This thread has made me think. Back in the 70's I got married on the Saturday and went to live in America on the Monday. My parents were heartbroken (I found out later) but they never interfered. In those days we communicated by letters which took about a week to arrive, so at least 2 weeks to get a reply. There was no Skype, emails or Whatsapp. It was 6 months before I had a phone conversation with my parents... it was expensive, calls had to be booked and the lines were not great. We stayed for 2 years but I was so homesick, it was terrible. 25 years later my daughter went round the world on her own and I was worried that she would meet someone on her travels and not come home. She did come home and now lives 100 miles away from me with my only 2 grandchildren....I hate being so far away from them....... wanting to be able to do school pick ups, drop in for coffee etc.... this thread has made me realise how different things could have been and how lucky I am. My heart goes out to all long distant grans.... it must be so very difficult.

To all of you who don't see your DC and DGC regularly, .
Our DS is an only child, we have a very close relationship, both geographically (he lives in the next road) and emotionally, and I am the first to admit that I would not be able to cope at all if he emigrated.
I can't imagine him ever wanting to leave this area as he has his own business here, and is very much a 'home bird'. DDiL is also very close to her family, although they're about 35 miles away.
They love the place we live in, and when for two years before they were married DS lived away due to work commitments, he was desperate to get back 'home'.
I see my DGS almost every day, DS drops in on his way home from work twice a week, and when DDiL returns to work, DGS will be with us at least three full days per week, and believe me, I know just how very lucky I am.
I've told them both, jokingly, that if they ever move away, DH and I shall follow them. I may have said it in a jokey manner, but they know I mean it, we'd follow them to the ends of the earth!

My daughter and her family live close by, so I am VERY lucky. However my son met an Australian girl while she was on a visit to England, and joined her in Australia several months later. He now has a fantastic job, a lovely home, loving partner and a great life out in Brisbane.
As we are such a small family, my husband died when my children were quite young, I feel sad and sorry for my daughter really as I know she would have liked her brother to be more involved in her children's lives and I know how much I value my own sibling, who luckily does not live far away.
However I suppose we have to accept that our children's values are different. My son seems to enjoy his social life with his Australian friends and has opportunities that he could only dream of if he were still in England. It's hard to comprehend, but I suppose we have to accept that the world is such a small place to our children, who have grown up being able to afford flights to anywhere their fancy takes them, and to enjoy life to the full. I myself don't really 'get' that frame of mind as I have always been happy and content where I live and having my friends and family around me. I suppose I'm not confident or independent enough to think differently.
Although my son's life is nothing like my own, I enjoy our weekly chats on Skype, when he tells me what he has been doing, about the programmes on TV over there, and often takes me on a 'tour' of the apartment with his phone so that I can see new furniture purchases or just the view out of the window, and i do the same. I think it has helped us both to come to terms with how far apart we are and he has been back to visit a couple of times and is coming over in the Summer. I am saving up to visit him in 2018. I think it's important to have this to look forward to, but OH how I wish someone could invent a way to hug on skype !! I miss hugging my son so much.
Your child is your child and always will be and no amount of miles can ever take that away from you.

Also I am an only child and never felt lonely when I was younger but I must say that after reaching my sixties,I often feel lonely. Sometimes when talking to others and hearing about their families and special occasions like birthdays and weddings etc, I feel sad and even resentful. Isn!t that awful! Facebook can have that effect too and can make me feel envious. You know the more I write, the more I sound like a selfish, jealous old woman. Maybe my children see things I don,t! However,my hubby loves me,

I appreciate all the comments on here, and as most of you say,we just have to make the best of it and have outside interests apart from family. Also health and financial problems affect whether you can fly the long distances, especially if the children are in Australia. My husband is a diabetic and has heart problems etc which adds to the worry. I notice a few of you use Skype, we tried that a few times but didn't, t work too well as there were delays and pauses. Technology is so easy nowadays with email, whatsapp, Facebook etc, but it takes the two sides of the family wanting to keep in touch. How often do you need to ask them to contact you oftener before it dawns on you that basically they don,t want to! I Fi d it hurtful to ask and nothing changes. I wonder if others break down in tears after a fon call? Why does talking to my daughter, who now feels a stranger to me, make me feel so sad? I would have expected to feel joy and elation but I don,t. Another member mentioned she thought of her own mum years ago and whether she was lonely. I too have these thoughts and hope I gave her enough of my time. Deep down I think I did, but knowing y mum, she would not say whether she was lonely or not. I am lonely, nobody knows cos I haven, t said because I feel ashamed to admit it

Our 2 sons and families live abroad, one in Kuwait for 20 years , the other in India, for 12 years. I've visited both a few times. The 2 girls in England, but far away from us, and busy working.
I read an article last week by someone who lives abroad and went back home for a family wedding. For a day or 2 there were happy family get-togethers, then everyone went back to work, or school and no more contact.
For those of us whose grandparents lived just round the corner in our childhood, it was a blessing that we were lucky to experience, but very rare now.

Our two DSs live less than 100 miles away down the M40. But they have their own lives and are so busy, especially at weekends, as they all work all week. So even if your family is in the UK, it may not mean that you feel part of their lives. As others have said, sometimes we have to accept that we're their past and not necessarily their present in the same way. It's hard.

One daughter, grandchildren and great grandchild of 8 months in Texas. My daughter has been there for about 22 years. We FaceTime and phone but I don't feel I know my grandchildren at all. She has been back a few times, last time Nov 2014 for my dads funeral. She is still the same apart from a Texas twang accent and we get on fine as we always did. I have seen my Grandaughter but never seen my grandson or the new 8 month old great Grandaughter. I am just happy that they all seem so happy and try not to dwell on how far away they are. Be glad for them.

I am another with a Son in USA he has been there for over 20 years. We used to twice a year to see them all, 3 gc and 1 step gs, now we don't have the money or health to go very often. GC as they grow do seem to lose contact with GP's unless they live close by.
It is certainly a lot better now with Skype, when he first went it was expensive phone calls only.
You do get used to it but it hurts to see other friends who have regular contact with their GC.
I used to think when my children got married and had children they would all settle in the same area as us and I could do school runs etc. and GC could pop in any time. Sadly life is not like that.

I know just how you feel, my twin daughters live in Australia, they have a good life there, which is of course is wonderful. I miss them more and more, Australia isn't a place you can just pop over to for the weekend. When they do visit the parting is almost unbearable. Are we being selfish? I don't think so, we just love our children so much.

I am so lucky in that my daughter and family have now returned to the uk after 9 years in Australia, we never thought we would be so lucky as to have our 2 lovely GDs in our lives here. We did visit and they came here and I totally understand that the bereft feelings jordana, I don't understand how it got worse every time we parted! We did use Skype regularly, but the little ones have such a short concentration span it got harder and harder to engage with them. Now the poor Aussie grandparents are in the same boat and I feel very sorry for them despite having spent the last 9 years with them telling me Skype was the answer! (It is not as they are finding out). The Aussies were over for 2 months this summer and now the eldest DGD who is 3 won't speak to them on Skype when they call, I am sure she is totally confused by the whole thing so is just avoiding it but it must be awful for them. I have a friend who's family is in the US and she had the same with her DGS, they didn't speak for months because he was too upset every time the visits were over.

So sad for everyone but I have no answers I'm afraid just sympathy for all

Our Dd lives in Australia with her husband and our three DGC. The eldest two Gc are now at university but the youngest, now 12, is still at home. Yes, it is really hard, especially when the children are young. Our daughter has been there for 27 years. She had her children out there. We went to visit when the eldest was 6 weeks old and, since we retired, we have been almost every year for at least two months. But now my DH is ill and won't be able to undertake the long journey again. Our DD brought her youngest over for a visit last year but I don't know when we will see the older two again. Very sad. As I write this, our DD is on her way over again (on her own) to see her Dad (my DH) who has been very ill.
Hopefully they will all be able to visit more often now that we can't get there but, as they run their own business, it is difficult both financially and timewise.
No, jordana, you aren't selfish. Just a loving Gran. I miss my DD more than I can say and certainly wish she hadn't gone, but she has a good life and I try to feel proud that we brought her up to be able to cut the apron strings whilst still being a loving girl. X

My son has been in Australia for 8. years. I miss him, his wife and my two grandchildren, 11 and 10 years old. I am consoled by the fact that they are enjoying their life out there and have the support of their Australian grandparents. I do get irritated by people saying that is alright these days with Skype etc! You can't hug on Skype! It is better than no contact but doesnt compensate for the loss of involvement in their everyday lives and physical contact. I've been fortunate to visit them twice and they've been back here twice, one of those times for a fabulous family Christmas. You're not selfish. It's natural for a mother of children of any age to miss them when they are so far away.

3 sons, 2 in the US married to lovely American women and now 5 grandchildren
3rd single (live in French partner) in Hong Kong
So hard with all away and special times like Christmas even harder. One has to make a life for oneself and be glad they are happy and successful. But not always easy to think like that when money constraints stop frequent visits.

One son in NZ and one with kids in AUS. My second husband is very supportive and encouraged me to go to see them. But sometimes it is lonely if the sons have problems because he's not their dad and I don't communicate with their father.
Suggestion - maybe to find out what kind of social media the teenagers use e.g. viber, snapchat etc and see if they will exchange a few messages now and then.
Also - try to be busy and interested in other people if possible.

Someone recently told me to stop measuring my own worth by the happiness of my children
I sort of understand what they mean

Totally agree, you have to find the peace and the travellers have to see you happy otherwise you can ruin it for them. Our daughter opened up opportunities for us to travel and we will continue to do so for as long as possible, our son is moving to Canada next year so hey ho it's happening again! Beautiful world so let them go and grab it and as all have said, the ability to stay in touch is fantastic these days.

Having recently returned from visiting overseas family, I've been pondering on the fact that in leaving them, I haven't been overwhelmed with sadness.

I sometimes think that there is a kind of societal pressure that one can only have a meaningful, loving and happy relationship with one's children if they are close to home which is portrayed in aspects of the media (think Christmas adverts), and that if the children live 1000's of miles away, then one should feel heartbroken. Times are changing with ease of movement all across the world; what opportunities the youngsters have!

As BlueBelle mentioned, not all family relationships that are close to home are all wonderful.

I do miss my sons and their families, yet what I have gained in knowing they are all developing their lives in the way they want, and how it has improved our love and respect for each other is priceless. We also talk about missing each other, which gives that emotion daylight and allows it to breath, which is important, I find. It closes the hole of loss.

It's not always easy, but try to be at peace with the situation. It is as it is, and I find it better to take a thankful attitude. Communication is so much easier these days.

Meant to say she's in oz

Yup me too, our daughter went backpacking ten years ago and didn't come back, getting married in march so no doubt I will have the grandchild issues too soon. She is so happy though I don't mind too much but I wish she nearer now my husband is ill

It's so difficult jordana, we know we should be happy for our children moving on with their lives but we miss them so much.
There is no easy answer , try WhatsApp for teenagers that is an easy way for them to keep in touch. Try to engage with activities in your area and have other interests. You will always miss them but don't let it take over, get on with your life. Sometimes we have to be tough with ourselves.

No Jordana you are not a selfish mum at all. It's perfectly natural to feel like that especially as we get older and it doesn't help that your DH has a heart condition.

Try to concentrate on what a good life your daughter and family have, and feel proud you raised a child who could take on the challenge of living in another country and making such a good life for herself and her family.

Yes, there are times when it hits you (I know) especially as Christmas draws near and the nights draw in, but draw in the family you do have living close and make the most of them.

(((hugs)))

Synonymous there is the added equation that some people have their children living near them but no relationship I d rather think my kids and grandkids were far away and happy than distant from my heart

At the end of the day we have no choice but to make of it what it is and remember our kids lives are not ours we have to have our own lives, not live off them it could be so much sadder