daughter in law problems

We are going to my DS and DiL's (by her invitation). Apparently they were asked by friends to go to them for Christmas but our two DGDs kicked up a fuss and said they wanted to be at home and wanted us to be there or it wouldn't be a proper Christmas. Feel very lucky to have such a kind and generous hearted DiL.

We shall have New Year's day with DD and family as she has to have her very difficult MiL to stay and refuses to inflict her on us. (She's a drinker).

My son and gd, my daughter and gds are coming to me, on the day, for the first time in over 25 years! For various reasons, but no fall outs, we just all did our own thing.
It's just one day.
However, I'm SO excited

Aarrgghh! The curse of predictive spelling strikes! She was of course a perfectly nice woman, not womaniser.

Really pleased that things are sorted. I hope you all have a wonderful family Christmas. ?

It can work the other way round. When my father remarried after my mother died, his new wife, who was a perfectly nice womaniser every other way, flatly refused to spend Christmas anywhere other than with her own children. She said that Dad could come to us if he wanted, but she wouldn't. So we didn't see him on Christmas Day for 10 years - until she died too.

Wife number 3 was just awful in every way - but that's a different story.

So glad all is sorted and everyone happy. I have 3 DDs now all married and we have developed the every other year arrangement. As 2 DD's inlaws live abroad (France and Channel Islands) They alternate between the two sets of GPs, now 3rd DD has married and joined the mix - and we have been invited to them for Christmas - we will go down on Christmas Eve, and return home early Boxing Day. Now I have to behave, not tell her how to cook a turkey, not make suggestions and generally just help with being a bossy pain in the neck! It makes me feel very grown up (old) to be a guest in their house rather than the other way around!

Well done whereamI555 - good communication is key. (see my comment on "no room for us Christmas Day" when we could not understand why we were excluded, but in fact there was an enormous dog in a cage in the house, so there actually was no room but no-one explained that fact)

I would be interested though to know HOW you got this resolved, because I'm never happy with our Christmas arrangements either. It's very one sided.

Had a good nights sleep last night now things are sorted. Thank you to all of you kind people who have shown understanding and sent good wishes, very kind.
I hope you all have a lovely Christmas and brilliant New Year, even those who made 'barbed' comments.

Happy Christmas.

'We feel that we have been taken for granted.' Yes, I can relate to that feeling too, but as a daughter. There is an expectation that my mother spends Christmas with us (I have a brother & sister who live just as near). I am expected to fetch her, and then take her to my sister's on Boxing Day. Christmas Day for my siblings is doing what THEY want to do - I wish!

Your DIL may be feeling obliged to see her parents and perhaps feeling pressured as a result - along with that comes guilt whether it's warranted or not. Please don't add to the pressures of Christmas. Make yourself an approachable parent (if you're not already doing that) and perhaps take a trip for yourselves - an all inclusive Christmas treat?

My own children do what they want to - any time of the year and Christmas is no exception.

I hope you will feel better about things.

We don't see our DGD on very many actual Christmas days, but what we do is whatever time we see her over the festivities, then THAT becomes Christmas Day. My husband suggested many years ago that we could make Christmas whatever day we wanted and I thought that was a lovely idea. So that has been the case ever since.

We saw our sons and DiLs on Christmas Day or Boxing Day until they had children. Since then, they come to us the weekend before Christmas and we sometimes see them over the New Year. But never at Christmas. That makes us sad, but as others have advised, we make Christmas with friends and feel we must accept their way of doing things.

But I wince at the Christmas adverts on TV invariably showing 'all the family' having a great time. It really grates.

Gosh, it's such a headache isn't it? It's one day, that's all.

My DS is coming home earlier in December to go to a gig back home and is staying here for a few days so we are making that time our own Christmas as he is a miserable so and so over Christmas so I have told him I want to be alone this year. Some of the other students aren't going home too, so he can be with them and celebrate like a student does. But I will have seen him and shared some time together. The concert ticket is his present at £70.00 a pop!

I am getting sorted for it but with how bad I have felt today I am glad I will be on my own for once as if I am having a bad day, I can do whatever I want and not feel beholden to anyone. My day will probably be pretty much the same as every day, but with tinsel!

I'm very pleased for you, whereamI555. As ever on Gransnet, the vast majority of the advice was fair and oh so wise, but there are always a couple who just can't resist adding to the hurt with ignorant and unkind remarks.

Who does what and goes where at Christmas is always a bit fraught, isn't it? We have an alternating system - my three DC, and their DC, open the children's stockings at home, then celebrate the rest of the day one year at ours, the next at their respective inlaws. I love Christmas and the year when it's our turn, chaotic though it is, but we have a more sophisticated carry-on on the other years, going for a winter walk, followed by a nice leisurely lunch out and watching a film in peace with a bottle of champagne and no interruptions (who am I kidding, it's boring as hell! ). Our saving grace is that we have a traditional family get-together at DD2's inlaws' every Boxing Day, without that I'd be face down in my Christmas pudding, weeping drunkenly.

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas, whatever you end up doing (extends ludicrously early Christmas wishes to all Gransnetters).

Christmas always brings out these undercurrents.
I had problems with my mil and co always spending Xmas day with dh sister and family,so my family came to me,every year.and when Father in law died,mil decided she would come to mine.This was how it was for 26 years!!!
When my dd had our only dgsI didn't want her to do it for 26 years and told her to do what she wanted stay home,come to ours, go to her mil,whatever.
We can make a special day anytime before or after Xmas day for our dgs and the others who followed.

That's a great result wheream1555 I'm so pleased for you

Very pleased that you have talked to DS and reached a happy outcome. Have a very Happy Christmas.

Pleased to say I have just had a very good long conversation, by phone, with our son. We have managed to resolve the issue and both sides are happy.
I am glad we DID talk, I think that is the only honest way to resolve any problems. Not talking can cause resentments to build and build until they get too big to knock down.
So we are all looking forward to a HAPPY Christmas. (sunshine)

Unfortunately fairness doesn't count when being an in-law in my experience. It ISNT fair but what can you do? Well you can invite them for another time, Christmas Eve or the day after Boxing Day or whenever suits. It prolongs the fun. Or New Year as suggested. If the answer is no then personally I'd gently ask if there's a problem you're not aware of in the relationship as you'd like to sort it. Unfortunately girls always seem closer to their mums than lads in my experience and so see them much more. Are you busy enough in your own social lives as I'm curious that you're not pinning all your seasonal hopes on your son and DGS. If yes then join groups and keep yourself busy with invites so you're not desperate for the attention of your son and his family. Then just take a big sigh and see that it's unlikely to change much in my experience. But karma is wonderful!

My DD and SIL spend alternate xmases with us and my son in laws parents. We have 1 DGD and this year they are with us. However we all live in the same town. I feel they are being very unfair but tbh if it were me I would invite them another day instead. 40miles is a fair journey for a child on xmas day and maybe the parents would like to be able to have a few drinks so don't want to drive on xmas day. It is unfair but you could make a special meal on another day and play games and give your grandson his present. It is just a day but I understand you must feel hurt. I don't think it is fair to broach it with your son as he will feel caught in the middle. Also if you can't manage their steps maybe that is why you have not been invited.

It makes me quite sad reading the bone we have similar problems but do have three sons and to be quite frank I've stopped letting it hurt us and we now make x as plans for us and they have to fit in around us now not petty just real Xmas is a special time for families and that's why it hurts I know nothing will change you will just have to accept it like we did.sorry x

If you're all quite local to one another, here's my suggestion .... We used to do this when I was the dreaded DIL

My parents would come for lunch at ours & I would drop them home about 7 pm. So it was just the 6 of us for Xmas lunch.

We would then go with the kids to see my MIL & the rest of her family. She always had lunch at my brother in laws.

So we all saw everyone and there were no complaints. I always felt sorry for my sister in law who always put on a lovely supper despite having also done a Christmas lunch. But she was a great hostess and didn't complain.

I guess what I'm saying is try to find a compromise which doesn't offend anyone. It really is just a day! There's no point upsetting yourself ..... I'm only too happy that lunch is now my daughter's responsibility and I can just turn up with nothing to do!!!!

My son and family are planning to spend Christmas Day with his father (my ex) this year. I've realised this will be the first time they've done that since we met DDIL over 8 years ago. I feel very guilty as I've spent Christmas with them each of those years without giving ex a thought. He does have a new family of his own and they visit each other throughout the year but there is something extra special about Christmas and families. I will miss them terribly of course but they'll be coming back and I'll see them lots throughout the year.

I know I'm very lucky and I wish it were easier for OP to spend time with her grandson. No advice from me other than to say keep your door open and don't risk losing them.

I feel bad reading this as I am the one who gets the visits. My DD and partner lived about an hour away and his parents lived about another 30 minutes on. before the DGC were born they'd have lunch with one and spend the evening with the other.
9 years ago their first DS (and first DGC on both sides) was born, partner's parents moved about 2 - 2 1/2 hours away. Since then they have always spent Christmas with us, I do dinner for them, DS & partner, younger son and our 4 DGC, and my ex who is DD and DS#1's Dad. Later in the day DS#2's girlfriend joins us plus one of my sisters, often one or more of her children & their other half.
They go on to her partner's parents the day after Boxing Day and they all do Christmas again. he has a brother who they usually see then too but sadly they don't really get on. I always ask if they will be with us as I used to think his Mum must be upset they never spend it with them but both DD & partner say they don't really 'do' Christmas in the way we do and they like being here.
DS#1's partner did have dinner at her Mum's 1 year but said her stepdad made them uncomfortable as the little ones were told 'don't touch that', 'don't go near that with sticky fingers' etc, etc and they couldn't wait to get to ours and relax.. I want to point out both partner's have lovely Mums with whom they spend plenty of time, they just like doing Christmas here.
I feel very blessed but know it could all easily change, DD now lives abroad - but yes they will be back for Christmas, DS#2 still lives at home but I can imagine his girlfiend wanting to have dinner at her Mum's if they actually live together.
What I do find is that I need longer to recover from it all these days, Christmas dinner for 12 then supper for about 20 and DH cooks an FEB for about 8 on Boxing Day morning. I also host our wider family get together, my sisters and their DC and DGC - a buffet for between between 35 - 40 people on a Sunday in December.
My great niece calls ours the Party House - we're actually having a firework party this Saturday so she must be right!

I have a daughter who never comes for Christmas well not since she's been married although they go to his family sometimes and sometimes they go on holiday She has asked me once in the past but I didn't like leaving my elderly Mum and Dad alone and haven't been asked since It's not just at Christmas she rarely comes to my house I always go there ... it does hurt but I fly over beginning of Dec take the children Christmas shopping for their presents watch their pantomime and then come home She says she can't stand our town and my house is too cold but expect it's actually my son in law
There is usually one stronger member in a marriage and the other one goes along with it I know he's not too keen on me although we ve never fell out
Basically I believe you have to accept it or else you end up falling out so I just suck it up I know she loves me and I have a good relationship with her and the kids it's just not on my terms but hey ho
I d definitely go for an alternative date and invite them all over for a meal

I like your thinking f77ms