daughter in law problems

When geographical distance isn't an issue it's understandable for one set of in laws never gets to see their AC and his/her family for Christmas, and the other set always do.

What can lead to animosity is when there isn't any fairness.

In many families it isn't reasonable for Christmas to be "shared" or "alternated".

When I was little, we never saw Dad's parents at Christmas. It's 360 miles from where I grew up to his parents' home, and the weather was often poor (snow, and lots of it). My parents didn't feel safe driving that distance with six young children in winter. So we went for Easter.

We have never spent a Christmas with my ILs. We are in Canada and they are in the UK. DSD and I only get two weeks off at Christmas. Hubby only gets two weeks of vacation for the entire YEAR. Plus DSD spends Christmas Eve at her mum's (part of the custody arrangement). Not to mention flights at Christmas are very expensive. It simply isn't feasible for us to be there for Christmas.

Clinging to Christmas being all about THE day and insisting on "fairsies" is likely to result in animosity and an unwillingness to spend ANY time together at Christmas.

I realise that smileless but i would have thought if there was an update it would have happened. months ago after the Christmas situation not six months on when it’s all done and dusted

The thread has been resurrected because Soly asked crazyH for an update Bluebell.

That is a very good idea, only her parents are not who we would wish to spend Christmas day with
I think you have answered your own question.

Why has this been resurrected in the middle of summer ?

Floradora, I think your idea of having "Christmas" on an alternative day is a great one! Boxing Day comes to mind, but it doesn't have to be that. Christmas is a big deal, IMO, and I can't see it as "just one day," as if it's an ordinary one. But it doesn't have to be celebrated on the actual day if that's not working out.

So much pain in this thread though! I feel for all the GPs in here who are coping w/ this problem. And I hope the OP has been able to work things out for herself, one way or another.

I would be deeply hurt by this, we used to take it in turns every year when we had our children little, it does seem unfair, we sister in law only ever had my parents for Christmas once in 25years, then nearly broke her kneck to have dinner at the home when she went into care...

I am sorry but it is just one day in the year do not let this get to you and strain relationship with them . It is their choice think of all the posters who never get to see their granchildren at all . Make a big fuss of a day before or after Christmas and say that is when the presents from yourselves will be opened. I am quite happy for my DGC to spend Christmas in France with my DDIL's family and we just make our Christmas day another day with all the trimmings.THese are my only DGC by the way .

Hi CrazyH
It is almost six months past the last Chrismas when you liked to text your daughter- in- law to see them. So, would you please tell us if you sent her a text what was her answer? I think the result of your communication could help us to improve our relationship with our in-laws.

Thanks agnurse and Jobey......yes, I will text her next week to see what time is convenient.....yes, I do have a good relationship with the others and that's what I don't get....I treat all the same....my personality doesn't change with each child or inlaw, so I can't understand any of it. I think he has middle child syndrome, not helped by having a nasty wife who stirs things rather than calm things down. She has never wanted to be part of a wider family. She has only child syndrome ....not a happy combination. But people more qualified than me will be able to analyse things better.

Crazy H it's a horrible situation and I so feel for you but don't let it make you ill. A polite text to ask what time is good to pop in with the kiddies presents is all you can do, often killing with kindness works best in these situations, don't rise to the hostility from them, keep cheery and plant a smile on in front of them.

I know you have a much better relationship with your other children and in laws so gain your strength from them, it baffles me why people can't be polite, you don't have to be best buddies but to be deliberately vindictive to family without cause is cruel. Keep your chin up Xx

crazyH

You might put it to her in this way: "I have some gifts that I'd like to drop off for the children. Let me know what time is convenient and how long you would like me to stay." This way you put the ball in her court.

If she says that you can't come Christmas morning, it is quite possible, certainly, that she's doing it to hurt you. It is also possible that she wants that time to be just for the immediate family. Putting the ball in her court lets her decide when you're welcome and how long you can stay, which may help to make the situation somewhat more tolerable.

Thanks Jobey - I usually go over Xmas morning with the presents....I am dreading having to text her to see if I could go over ....she may say "no" which will hurt me, but worse, if she says I can go over to hand over the kids' presents, how am I going to sit with them when I know they detest me. Shall I just drop the gifts and walk away? So confused and anxious .

CrazyH I'm sorry to read things are not improving for you with ES and DIL, it's such a sad situation I'm not surprised you are heartbroken. You can do no more than you are though and if they are determined to ruin what is left of your relationship with them then I would leave them too it.
Sadly some people are just vicious for the sake of it and you can't reason with them X

Agree with you Justwondering, there is a special place for these tormentors ....that's what they are, tormentors. And I can tell you this, behind every vicious d.i.l. is an even more vicious mother. She once said in my son's presence (soon after my inebriated son said something nasty to me) that she hated her own mother, implying that my son hates me. Even at my son's wedding, she declared "my daughter, my wedding"...she even says "MY grandchildren". No wonder her daughter has turned out like that.

You can change yourself. But you cannot change her. She obviously doesn't want a relationship. I think there is a special place God has prepared for people who persist in making others miserable.

This thread is 2 years old but I'm glad that Soly has resurrected it. The run up to Xmas is always an emotional time for those of us who have fraught family relationships and it's nice that we can open-up here.
I wish this Christmas would just go away. My older son and I are growing moe and more distant. His wife is turning him against me. They are accusing me of all sorts. They have said they will not be attending a dinner that I have arranged for the whole family. My heart is breaking.
I wonder if the original OP has sorted things out.

whereamI555
Dear friend, you are not the only who have cold relation with daughter in law. This problem is more or less the same around the world with the different culture. However, I think there are some facts which you should pay more attention, and follow some regulation to communicate with daughter in law easily. These are:
1-If you like to keep your son and grandson you should, first of all, keep her.
2-Human is a socialized creature who cannot live alone, but all people are not the same level of manners. So, we can take advantage of this fact to establish a new relationship with anybody including our in-laws.
3-The father in law practically has a better relationship than mother in law with daughter in law, and also the mother in law has a better relationship with the son in law than father in law. It is a natural fact of the opposite sex, so for improving the relationship with daughter in law, it is better starting by father in law.
4-Father in law should communicate with her as a friend, not as a father in law.
5-You should talk more about the subjects which she is interested in, not about the subjects that arouse her curiosity.
6- Encourage her to talk about her job, how she handles it along with taking care of her kid or kids, or how she deals with the problems around her job, her community and many other subjects which she may have a problem or is concerned.
7-Try to show her that you are concerned about her more than anybody else even her husband or her kid (your grandson).
8-Nobody likes to be advised, so you should never advise her even if he is wrong.
9-She should believe that she is more impotent for you and your wife than your son or even your grandson, and you and your wife are ready to help hear in any circumstance. This could be done by your right behavior.
10-Finally she should trust you as a friend, and then she definitely changes her idea about you and your family.

I do not believe that the above points are the best way to improve your daughter in law behavior, but you and your wife can try it.
Sorry about my poor English writing.

What was the happy solution awhereamI?

Welcome back Wendysue! I have missed your posts

Susie, I think it's very understandable that you feel as if you are "moaning a death." You're grieving the loss of a relationship. So sad. (((Hugs!)))

Meanwhile, about the gifts for the GC - since the parents don't want them, I suggest putting some money away for them each year on Xmas and on their birthdays. Then you can give them the money when they're older to use for college or whatever you/they choose. I've heard of estranged GPs doing this before and it sounds like a good idea to me. I know you'd rather give them gifts each year now, as they're growing up. However, if you can't, I think this is the next best thing.

Haven't been here for a while, but as is often the case, some of these stories are heartbreaking! I feel for all of you here who have been CO or distanced from your DSs/DDs and family.

WhereamI, fortunately, you haven't been totally pushed away. Since you see DS and family "6 to 8 times a year," that's about every other month or more - not enough for you, I'm sure, but not horrible either. I'm sorry that they never come to you, given your disability and such. But they may also find it hard to travel with a child. Maybe when GS is in his teens, they'll be more interested in coming to you or he will come on his own sometimes.

Still, I get that it hurts not to see them for as meaningful a holiday as Christmas. I agree with those who suggest asking for an alternative day. Not Boxing Day, as, clearly, that is already "taken," but some other day in December or early January. I would give one or two possible dates and if they still say no, then let it go. Meanwhile, I also agree with planning something special for yourselves for Christmas. (((Hugs!)))

Hi Susie0259, sounds a very similar situation to mine. I too feel that we are mourning the loss of our son, we have no idea what we have done wrong and the hurt is so deep. We are going to focus on our daughter and her family and try to move forward and be as positive as possible. I am sure that they are not sitting there crying over the situation so I am determined to focus on the wonderful things that we have in our lives and if he is so stupid to allow her to break up his relationships with his family then clearly she is a very nasty human being. I feel deeply sorry for my son being stuck with someone who clearly doesn't love him enough to ensure that he has his family around him. My mil was horrid to me for years but I put up with all her nonsense as I would never have done what my DIL has done to me. I am so sorry that you have not seen your GD - my heart aches for you.

I know exactly how you feel. My son has become such a stranger that I feel I am moarning a death. My two boys and me were so close. My youngest does not hear from him either. My heart is broken but I have my younger son who still needs me and he is my focus. I have not seen my GD for a year and all social media sites they have blocked. I have done the reasoning, the whys, the face to face chat but she got what she wanted in the end.