Should I be defined by my children?

Ruby I feel for you but you are not defined by your children. Its not whether they end up with well paid jobs and all the trappings but how they treat people and their morals. My own son looks a total yob , dreadlocks and a piercing, he looks like you wouldn't wNt to meet him in a dark street but he is the kindest, most caring and gentliest of men, something that he had learnt from me and his grand parents. He was brought up never to swear in front of woment and children and still holds this belief, and care about people. He does't contact me that much, about once a week maybe but I know if I need him he will be there. My daughter on the hand has at times refused to see me, been out when we arrange to go over (110 miles round trip) but I just waited it out and now after a good few years we are back on track. You do your best to feed, clothe, educate and instill morals into them so they can lead a decent life. You cant do anymore, as my dad use to say no one is perfect except an idiot who believes he is! Good luck

If your local schools do exchanges, sometimes the teachers need accommodation. Yours, ruby, seems perfect. Register with them.
Uni students? not all a beer swilling. Youngsters needing somewhere to live after being ditched by foster parents? or "grown-ups" these days need somewhere to live. your local church may help.

Ruby I think you have empty nest syndrome, my children are in their 40s now and I know what you mean about wanting to clean your head out. I miss my children but they are now adults and I think that your job as a parent is to produce an independent adult, this you have done with both your children. I agree with other posters about sons and lack of contact. Also I think mobile phones make you worry when you don't get an immediate reply. When I left home my parents didn't have a phone at home.
I think you might feel differently when your son comes home and clutters up your space hogs the tv, leaves cups and plates around. He will be use to living the way he wants to and that can be a cause of friction. He left your child but will come back as a young man who you may or may not want to stay. I love my son and daughter but I am glad when they go home and I have my space back.

Children don't come with handbooks telling us what to do. We just do our best to bring them up as healthy and happy individuals, but all sorts of things contribute to their development, over which we have no control. Don't be hard on yourself, Rubylady, you are a person too!

Yes we are all mums together.

Rubylady as one who has been in a similair situation I feel for you.My eldest daughter 'walked away from me' five years ago, when her father was so ill, and I had asked her over the phone to come and visit him as she only lived a hundred miles away and I offered to pay her travelling costs instead of giving me advice on what I should be doing about his care.I could not stand her shouting at me over the phone so put the phone down.
I have no idea where she is, my emails went unanswered.
I have to accept she will not be in contact although she was very friendly with a distant relative she always seemed to prefer this relative to her own family and I am she this distant person knows where she is.I will not contact this relative in fear I might hear something I do not want to hear.The question I have put to my self over and over is what did I do wrong?

The lodger idea is OK with the greatest of care. A widowed friend of mine put out feelers a couple of years ago and acquired a teacher at a local school who didn't want to move his own children as they were in the middle of GCSE and A levels. He departs on Friday evenings to go home and comes back late Sunday evening. Housetrained, courteous and helpful (he has done lots of little DIY jobs around the house) and stays out of the way if she has friends round.
The benefits to her are quite clear - she is much happier and less worried about her safety. She likes the weekends and told me recently that from Friday evening to Sunday she can eat all the baked beans and brussel sprouts she likes and fart to her heart's content! I nearly wet myself laughing when she said that.

Well done Ruby and I'm so glad everyone has been kind and constructive on this thread. You sound like you have a good plan for going forward. Good luck

Ask a friend or neighbour to help you interview prospective lodgers. We got lodgers via the local US army base but many large employers look for lodgings. Some estate agents are seeking lodging and they do the vetting for you but I'm afraid some agents don't live up to the trust we place in them

BlueBelle you are very forgiving of the occasional sharp tongued contributors who kick people when they're down. I've been on the receiving end and don't understand it, let alone forgive. My Mum raised me with "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all". Yes we all have a different take on things we read here and varying levels of tact, but we should picture the OP sitting silent and vulnerable, praying for help out of the pit they are in.

I am sure children should come with a manual on how they work! All parents are pretty much thrown in at the deep end and just muddle through glad to survive in my experience so in my case it's lucky either of mine survived! We have had our ups and downs but eventually it seems they come round to adopting the core values we gave them.
I know where you are coming from with wanting to clean out your head, I want to sometimes too, especially about 3am when you are certain you are the only person in the world awake! I also understand being defined by A's wife, B's mother etc , when it became obvious that was how they saw me too I quit, moved out and rebuilt my life (still working on the self esteem). I would just say my children were grown by then but still took if fairly badly at the time. They now see me as a person in my own right with hopes and dreams of my own.
I am not suggesting anything as drastic but maybe, if you are physically able to get about, joining a class or a club, doing some volunteer work, anything that gets you into the company of other people will help you in my experience

Best of luck

Ruby have a look at Meet-up.com. you will see groups in every area of the nation who welcome singles into a very wide range of interest and activity groups. All very safe. Whatever interests you have there will be a group of like-minded souls. As for the DC I love mine to bits but sometimes I dont like them. That's family life. I sometimes now reflect how thoughtless I was to my mother, I could have been so much nicer to her.

What a loving and supporting lot of ladies you all are!
Thank you for being there - although I don't need advice, I now know that I can count on you to give sensitive and gentle advice.
As one of you says, each child is different. In my case, DS2 is very caring affectionate and in touch regularly, DS1 lives in India and contacts us occasionally. DD on the other hand, lives the other side of the country and it is sometime 6 weeks before we hear from her, in fact her brother tells us what is going on from FB [which I am deliberately not a friend to give my DC space]. We do call occasionally but I don't want to appear to be a needy mother; or have her call me from duty everyday/week as was expected from me by my demanding, dependent parents...
Baggage carried, views of events depend on the viewer.

I'm heartbroken to as I to did my very best for my three children and one hasn't had any contact with us for over 5yrs. She lives not far away and she won't open her door to me (her sister hasn't been round to even try) all phone numbers are blocked we believe her brother lives quite a long way away and misses contact with her through text. We have no explanation and there hasn't been a row or anything. She lives alone. I don't know if you live where you can phone Healthy Minds but they are wonderful and give lots of help and support over the phone or for people who can get out and about they run group support. It's all free no cost. I really know what u are going through I really do.

Hi Ruby I am going through same. I divorced 2 years ago after a 40 year marriage. I went off the rails and started drinking to block out the misery. I did some awful things which has resulted in my daughter not talking to me. I had a very close relationship with my 8 year old Grandaughter it is breaking my heart that I am not seeing her. I have tried to make things right but my daughter won't let me in. I have have to wait it out and hope. My daughter gets married in April and at the moment I am not invited to her wedding.

You've just got your life back after years of mothering. Enjoy your new-found freedom. You'll get to love the idea that you can do what you want, go where you want with no-one else to consider buy yourself (and the dog?)

Early days yet, so give yourself time to settle into enjoying 'me time'

Don't get a lodger.

Ruby be VERY careful who you choose for a lodger . Get references which are not from family , just looking out for you as I have heard some disasterous lodger stories recently xx

I don't think you do expect too much. Decent human beings treat people with respect and kindness and you have every right to think your children will do the same.

However we don't live in a perfect world. Once our children leave the family home they change. Their new experiences make them a different person.

The question you ask, really is, I think, "Am I a bad person/mother because my children have rejected me?" I am assuming that you raised your children with love and kindness. The path they have chosen in adult life does not reflect on you and does not define you.

There are some people annsixty who would only ever share the best bits. "My son is a doctor and my daughter is a successful banker, they are very rich, their children are the most beautiful children alive" or whatever. They keep the bad bits to themselves for fear that you will see their "perfect" children and perfect parenting differently. I am one of those people who tends to share the good bits (they are few and far between) and the bad bits too, but I do know people like your friend.

Thank you to all of you, you have put everything back into perspective for me. I probably expect too much from them really as, if I had a partner, he would fill the gap they have left and I wouldn't be bothering the same what they were up to.

I just hope, with my ED, that she doesn't realise too late that things need to be worked on to get a relationship back on keel, but then she is busy with two probably boisterous sons, still little and are taking her time up, along with work etc.

I have been car hunting today, to get my mobility scooter in a new car so that I can get out and about better. Not decided on one yet but I do need to do that and expand my horizons somewhat. I will also look at the courses suggested by Lucky. Thank you Lucky. I am also seriously thinking of getting a lodger. I'm not too sure I like being on my own all the time without day to day comings and goings, so it's a possibility for after Christmas to look into. If DS does come home then, he will have to camp in the living room on his inflatable bed. I'm not restricted on my benefit on any lodger income, so the money would come in useful and the company welcome. Just something to think about and then I am not putting my life on hold all the time, making my children my whole universe and getting not much back in return. Time to move on and make new friendships and see where life takes me. Thanks again, you have come up trumps yet again, you lovely people. Xxx

We all do our best with our children, I think. I sometimes think my DD is very thoughtless with us but then I think back to my own parents. To be honest as an adult I rarely gave them a thought, I was too wrapped up in myself and my own life. I regret the way I treated my mother. She had a terrible life with my abusive, alcoholic, violent father. I could have been more understanding but I wasn;t.

I don't know what happened with your daughter but Your son sounds pretty normal. I reckon some kind of communication about twice a term when a lad is at uni.......

Why should we have to be defined by anything, or anyone? Just enjoy your days as best you can Rubylady, and forget the lot of 'em.

Some good comments here Ruby. Be kind to yourself, after all we are all on our own in the end.

That is very hard, Monica. This is your daughter's view at the moment but she may change her opinion in the future. I'm sure you did your best and that is all any of us can do. Has your DD got kids of her own yet? Wait till they are teenagers and she will find it isn't that easy parenting teenagers. We all do bits well and bits badly!

We are all more than our children. I would be horrified if I thought I was defined by my children - and so would they! One thing I learnt from my mother is that none of us are perfect, but most of us try to be the best parent we can, in the circumstances that we have to bring up our children in. Not everyone is bring their children up in secure homes with two loving parents and enough money, nor is that a guarantee against disaster

Ruby I think you are constrained by health problems and that can leave one feeling low and prone to seeing evrything through a dark cloud. You have done well to get your son to university, he doesn't ring or email, boys don't. Even though our son is now married and with a family, talking to him on the phone is impossible, he rings, when there is a need.

Daughters defeat me. I have a good relationship with DD, but recently she casually listed all the things I didn't do and should have when she was a teenager. I was allowed no reply. I told both DH and DS about the outburst and both immediately contradicted much that DD had said, with examples of what all of us had done at various times, reassuring for me, but DD has a version of her teenage years that is contradicted by other people's evidence and I know that nothing I can do or say will change her memories that as a mother of a teenage girl I was a failure.