Should I be defined by my children?

Hi Ruby
I don't think I would like to be defined by my children and. their conduct. I know that they did not learn any of the things they do from me but what others think could be quite different.
Just be yourself and live in your own way and surely people will accept you as YOU are and not make judgements defined on whether your children talk to you often or never. Mumsnet is so full of people who do nothing but moan about their parents. Not everyone is a Mumsnetter.

Rubylady I just said on another thread that I wasn't going to post anything else because of mean posters, they frighten me.
However, having read your post, I wanted to say I know about thoughts that chase each other round and round, it's horrible. I also wanted to say that from what I've seen, families are all different and personalities sometimes clash and children are prey to influences around them often beyond anything we can do.
My oldest daughter went through a patch post university where she first of all came home and shouted at us - we had ruined her life, she had been having therapy, had a catalogue of complaints and grudges - and then she cut us off for 6 months plus.
We kept gentle contact and tried to listen. She had been experimenting with being gays at university. We had been accepting of that but we think she was personally very unhappy and trying to find herself. Her partner at that point was a very mixed up and unpleasant young woman who we think was doing her best to split ED away from us.
To cut short a long story, it took several years but slowly things have righted themselves, ED is now happily in a long term relationship with a nice chap, happy in her job and she has actually apologised for how she was and for things she said. She says she wanted to be listened to but that also she wants us to know that she appreciates us and the childhood we gave her.
Not every story has a happy ending but don't blame yourself please. Today's young have a lot of so called choice and a lot of worry and stress. Try to be kind to yourself, keep busy, try to find meaningful activities that you enjoy and know that one day they will acknowledge what a great mum you were even if you don't know that they've thought it.
All the very best to you. Life is so painful sometimes, it's very hard. For me exercise and books take me away from those thoughts. Xx

First of all Ruby we can't only blame ourselves as what happens to our children ... time OUTSIDE our care can play a HUGE role that is why my best friend who is the gentlest kindest person in the world has a son who is a terrible problem to her and the world in general, why a vicar in our area has a son facing extradition to US for computer hacking, why a friends daughter who's mother is a really down to earth intelligent headmistress has become completely entangled in drugs We can only guide teach and love to the best of our ability but don't forget (for single parents) they do have genes of a man or woman you couldn't live with Nature or nurture the biggest debate of all time .....surely it's both not either /or. Don't beat yourself up, to start with sons are not always the best at contact, conversation and with a new exciting life in Uni even thinking about us ..... I can't comment on your daughter as I don't know the background but it takes two to sort things out
Axio09 please don't take comments you don't like to hear on here to heart Not everyone is as gentle in their words as others the world is made up of gentle, , persuasive, aggressive, passive, grumpy, outspoken , harsh, kind , annoying, loud people you have to accept all kinds in the big wide world, and you have to on here too No debate or group of any kind will be all one or the other but a mixture take out of the group what you will and leave any dominant posts that you feel uncomfortable with alone
Good luck and love to you both

Good posts Azie and Bluebells. I would reiterate that lads don't phone home much in my experience. Why not try ringing your son Ruby once a week asking if it is convenient to speak then and sharing each other's news but trying to give him as positive a view as possible from your end while being truthful. I don't think lads intend to forget to phone home. They are just naturally less thoughtful than girls. I know this is a sweeping generalisation and some lads are thoughtful and sensitive souls!

It's very difficult because other people define us by our children when they are little. I'm guilty of this too. When I was teaching I often referred to people as Charlie's mum or Sophie's gran etc. I was defined in the same way.



Remember you're in a transition period, Rubylady. You're son has just gone to uni and you need to let yourself adjust to that.You brought your children up and although they are not in your life the way you would wish you did your bit. They are adults and will make their own decisions.

Now you are a person in your own right. Your time as someone's mum is over. Not over as in your children no longer exist but they no longer have claims on your time in the way they did when they were younger. What do you want to do? I found it scary at first when the comfort blanket of being someone's mum was taken away but I came to appreciate the freedom I suddenly had. The new choices I could make. The me that I discovered.

Give yourself time, Rubylady and never beat yourself up about the decisions your children make. We may not agree with how our children behave and the decisions they make but it's a sign of success that they are able to make decisions rather than just go with the flow.

Lots of good advice and kind thoughts here ruby. The night time is the worst for those circular, destructive thoughts. Hope you managed some sleep and today looks brighter . To answer your question, no we shouldn't be defined by the behaviour of our adult children

ruby when I read the subject of your thread, my first thought was "Please, no!". Not because I don't love my children, but because I'm quite selfish about living the life I was given.

Having read your thoughtful post, I can only offer the following:

I love my children and did my best to mother them. And, sometimes they disappoint me. They have flaws (just like all of us) and not all of those are down to how they were raised.

Don't beat yourself up, you're more than a mother. You're a lady with a ruby - and a precious life of your own.

rubylady, they don't make you feel useless and worthless. That is your own reaction to their behaviour.
If you feel that you did badly in your upbringing of them, then face it and apologise to them, if possible.
If you do not feel that, then try not to let lack of contact upset you.
Your son, in particular, is just acting like many a young man on his first foray into the world on his own.

A very good post BlueBelle I totally agree with you.

Their is another aspect to this, I have a friend whose C are both hugely successful in both personal and financial terms and she certainly hopes that defines her as being the best parent in the world, and she judges others openly.
She certainly judges me as both my C have broken marriages and are not high flyers in their working lives.

Our children come with their own baggage - we all know how different siblings can be from each other from Day One. Parenting is about doing one's very best - none of us get it right all the time, and our children, as they grow up, get things wrong too. We have to stand firm as who we are.

You are limited in your scope for getting out and about and I am sure that this is part of the problem for you, as that gives you lots of time to brood on the might-have-beens.

You are definitely not defined by your children or, as seems to be your worry, your success or failure as a parent. No-one is judging you, only yourself.

There are of course dreadful abusive parents around - I used to work with some of them - and on days when I thought that I was making a pig's ear of being a parent I used to tell myself that I wasn't that bad!

Can I make a suggestion here? - why not google Future Learn and see if there is an online course there that you could pursue - they are of all sorts and there is bound to be something there to suit you. They are entirely free - and pressure-free. They are a mix of academic and practical/fun. Why not give it a try?

I agree with mumofmadboys, boys are not good at contact. It doesn't get much better as they get older either! I comfort myself with the manta 'no news is good news' and know that they have busy lives of their own. When they were at uni the phone calls tended to be of the "mum, I need to get some books and they'll cost ..." variety.

Our offspring are what they are, and you've done your best to give them a good start. That's all any of us can do, our best. 1

We are all more than our children. I would be horrified if I thought I was defined by my children - and so would they! One thing I learnt from my mother is that none of us are perfect, but most of us try to be the best parent we can, in the circumstances that we have to bring up our children in. Not everyone is bring their children up in secure homes with two loving parents and enough money, nor is that a guarantee against disaster

Ruby I think you are constrained by health problems and that can leave one feeling low and prone to seeing evrything through a dark cloud. You have done well to get your son to university, he doesn't ring or email, boys don't. Even though our son is now married and with a family, talking to him on the phone is impossible, he rings, when there is a need.

Daughters defeat me. I have a good relationship with DD, but recently she casually listed all the things I didn't do and should have when she was a teenager. I was allowed no reply. I told both DH and DS about the outburst and both immediately contradicted much that DD had said, with examples of what all of us had done at various times, reassuring for me, but DD has a version of her teenage years that is contradicted by other people's evidence and I know that nothing I can do or say will change her memories that as a mother of a teenage girl I was a failure.

That is very hard, Monica. This is your daughter's view at the moment but she may change her opinion in the future. I'm sure you did your best and that is all any of us can do. Has your DD got kids of her own yet? Wait till they are teenagers and she will find it isn't that easy parenting teenagers. We all do bits well and bits badly!

Some good comments here Ruby. Be kind to yourself, after all we are all on our own in the end.

Why should we have to be defined by anything, or anyone? Just enjoy your days as best you can Rubylady, and forget the lot of 'em.

I don't know what happened with your daughter but Your son sounds pretty normal. I reckon some kind of communication about twice a term when a lad is at uni.......

We all do our best with our children, I think. I sometimes think my DD is very thoughtless with us but then I think back to my own parents. To be honest as an adult I rarely gave them a thought, I was too wrapped up in myself and my own life. I regret the way I treated my mother. She had a terrible life with my abusive, alcoholic, violent father. I could have been more understanding but I wasn;t.

Thank you to all of you, you have put everything back into perspective for me. I probably expect too much from them really as, if I had a partner, he would fill the gap they have left and I wouldn't be bothering the same what they were up to.

I just hope, with my ED, that she doesn't realise too late that things need to be worked on to get a relationship back on keel, but then she is busy with two probably boisterous sons, still little and are taking her time up, along with work etc.

I have been car hunting today, to get my mobility scooter in a new car so that I can get out and about better. Not decided on one yet but I do need to do that and expand my horizons somewhat. I will also look at the courses suggested by Lucky. Thank you Lucky. I am also seriously thinking of getting a lodger. I'm not too sure I like being on my own all the time without day to day comings and goings, so it's a possibility for after Christmas to look into. If DS does come home then, he will have to camp in the living room on his inflatable bed. I'm not restricted on my benefit on any lodger income, so the money would come in useful and the company welcome. Just something to think about and then I am not putting my life on hold all the time, making my children my whole universe and getting not much back in return. Time to move on and make new friendships and see where life takes me. Thanks again, you have come up trumps yet again, you lovely people. Xxx

There are some people annsixty who would only ever share the best bits. "My son is a doctor and my daughter is a successful banker, they are very rich, their children are the most beautiful children alive" or whatever. They keep the bad bits to themselves for fear that you will see their "perfect" children and perfect parenting differently. I am one of those people who tends to share the good bits (they are few and far between) and the bad bits too, but I do know people like your friend.

I don't think you do expect too much. Decent human beings treat people with respect and kindness and you have every right to think your children will do the same.

However we don't live in a perfect world. Once our children leave the family home they change. Their new experiences make them a different person.

The question you ask, really is, I think, "Am I a bad person/mother because my children have rejected me?" I am assuming that you raised your children with love and kindness. The path they have chosen in adult life does not reflect on you and does not define you.

Ruby be VERY careful who you choose for a lodger . Get references which are not from family , just looking out for you as I have heard some disasterous lodger stories recently xx

Don't get a lodger.

You've just got your life back after years of mothering. Enjoy your new-found freedom. You'll get to love the idea that you can do what you want, go where you want with no-one else to consider buy yourself (and the dog?)

Early days yet, so give yourself time to settle into enjoying 'me time'