Should I be defined by my children?

We can only do our best to be parents, circumstances often mean we are unable to do as much as we would wish. If we give our children the best start we can then the rest must be up to them. Once they reach adulthood then they take on their own responsibilities. Don't take on their issues as your own now, you have done what you can so enjoy your life and have some fun.

Rubylady

I am sad to hear your problem. Many of us are in the same boat as you. I too have a son who hasn't
spoken to me for over 2 years. What is worse is that his children, 21 and 18 do not speak to me either., They live in the flat above mine! I have a younger son who lives some distance away but he phones and visits me and his wife is lovely. Sometimes it is the person they marry who is the problem. In my case this is so. No worries. Please do not make yourself ill. I have just been told I have cancer and friends tell me that the cause is stress. Thank God I had a wonderful husband and our marriage was 50 years until he died. Look after yourself. God bless.

Sylvia Davis.

Rubylady

I am sad to hear your problem. Many of us are in the same boat as you. I too have a son who hasn't spoken to me for over 2 years. What is worse is that his children, 21 and 18 do not speak to me either., They live in the flat above mine! I have a younger son who lives some distance away but he phones and visits me and his wife is lovely. Sometimes it is the person they marry who is the problem. In my case this is so. No worries. Please do not make yourself ill. I have just been told I have cancer and friends tell me that the cause is stress. Thank God I had a wonderful husband and our marriage was 50 years until he died. Look after yourself. God bless.

Sylvia Davis.

There are exceptions. DDiL's mother celebrated her 80th birthday at the weekend with a tea party for friends. DH and I were invited but, as we do not live in the area did not know, and were not known to all her local friends.

I spent the whole afternoon, as did DH, introducing ourselves as DS's mother/father. Defined by our child!!!

No, you should never allow anyone to define you. Many mothers allow that to happen when the children are young, and then it continues into their adulthood and it is then very difficult to disentangle your very own self from the amalgam.

Perhaps those of us who returned to work after some time mya find it easier to preserve their own self- on the whole.

Or a cat?

There is a real generation shift. My mother's generation did much less in terms of childcare and financial help. My mother used to say that she wouldn't babysit because she had worked hard bringing us up and now was her time. I did so much for my daughter and grandsons but Oh 'Tis sharper than a serpents tooth to have a thankless child' etc. She was always criticising and often very angry with me. She used to say I was a terrible mother which was ironic because I used to have the kids before and after school. In the hols and cook for all of them. (she is a hard working single parent) It was awful, so one day I just stopped. I still do the necessary stuff but refuse to do extra and have now got my own life to enjoy.

Ruthiek, be strong with your son and dont't let him lay the law down. He is not being nice to you now. you might find that there is a time when he needs you but at the moment I think you ex dil and gc need you in their life and your support

Oops, wrong sort of brackets,

As ever, there's lots of helpful advice on here. We've been through this (or similar) with our sons around six years ago. We are now through it and back on track with sons and their families. We were heartbroken, but just kept in touch, albeit a light touch at first, then gradually rebuilt the relationships from a low base. That shows it can be done. From where we are now, we see that the issues were more to do with where they were in their lives at that time. Just stay true to yourself and your values, and keep the lines of communication open, without recriminations as far as you can. It will probably work out given time. Best wishes (flowers)

Hello RUBYLADY. I'm sorry you are hurting so. Try not to blame - either yourself, or your children. I've often found that it dams up the possibilities. Time may well sort the issues out. You always sound like a jolly nice lady in your posts on here.
When I read about your plans I thought "Way to go!" Rubylady, but the concerns over selecting a lodger carefully are helpful.
I too have done courses with FutureLearn and have found them absorbing and useful balm when things get worrying. You get to post your thoughts and ideas on there around what you are learning, and build up rapport with your fellow learners. There is no outside pressure - you can take the learning at your own pace. The range of subjects is incredible.
Good luck to you. I hope you find that car and can get yourself out and about as well.

Ruby don't worry they will come back but could hurt you again, so you need to be strong, mind you I am sitting here typing this and my son who is 40 has just sent me a text laying down conditions for him to be nice to me and that includes not being involved with his ex wife , the fact the wanted a divorce and has moved an hour away from his children, and I step in to help out , doesn't figure , the ultimatum is hurtful and I don't know what to do as I didn't bring him up to be cruel

Hi Rubyladt
Reading your first post was a bit like ' oh me, that sounds like me'. Although I have two daughters, no son. Like you I also have health problems that affect my mobility and I have suffered quite severe depression since having to give up work. My two daughters still talk to me and generally we have a good relationship but, they don't have the same take on life that I had with my family when I was their ages. We always had either my mum or mother in law round for Sunday lunch, took them out for celebration times like Mother's Day, invited them round at Xmas. My kids would rather spend their time with their own family 'their own children' which I find quite hurtful at times. It has been hard but I have had to try and forge myself a new life. I have joined a knitting group, helped start up a new peer support group in our town and attended courses re my mental health. It hasn't been easy and I still have times when my mood drops to the floor and I have come to hate times like Xmas as I don't know if I will be included in their plans. I am lucky to have a hubby and dog for company. Strangely enough though, when my hubby and I mooted the idea of moving to Spain (the heat is better for my health) my Eldest daughter refused to discuss it and was dead against it, so deep down she must want me nearby. Kids, you do your best, but at the end of the day you have to let them get on with their own lives and hope they will leave a little spot for you. Take care xx

Oh rubylady, having read the thread, I don't think there's anything I can add. Such a lovely, kind, encouraging messages. I can only say that I've had my problems with my children too and as they've got older, things have improved no end. to you and lots of encouraging thoughts sent your way from the other side of the world.

You shouldn't feel disappointed in your children ,they must live their lives their way.If you can accept that and support them through the ups and downs then thats being a good mother .I've still got a 28 year old living at home with his 7 year old daughter,some might think he's a failure and thats up to them.I know he works hard and is a great dad,I know his ex was the one who strayed and thats why he left and I know that no matter what anyone else thinks of him I'll always be proud he's my son .My daughter also had a broken marriage ,been bankrupt because of it and rebuilt her life.Sometimes I wish they'd had life easier but I'm never been disappointed in them ,they are both people with hearts of gold and thats worth far more than stacks of cash in my eyes

There must be a reason. Did you say, do anything to make them be like this? Best thing to do is ask imo.

Rubylady I really do sympathise with you. It is a horrible situation for you. I have written posts about the same problem on another GN forum. Children can be so unforgiving and harsh. They know nothing of the problems that may have occurred in a marriage and I tried not to bad mouth my DC's Dad to them. Maybe they should know what went wrong and they might understand a bit better but that would mean my youngest DD would have to know things about her deceased Dad that would hurt and upset her as she loved him so much.
As a mum of 3, I only have contact with one of my DC. She is the youngest but most mature of them. My eldest girl has cut us all out of her life and my son has recently done the same after a big argument. Both behaved in a bullying way to me, my DD and my husband (not their Dad). They did it separately and now don't have contact with us or each other. They never accepted me and their Dad splitting up and never accepted my husband who is a really good, honest and fair man. We have a lovely family relationship with our remaining shared DC and DGC.
But it is so hard as a parent to not have contact with beloved children who you had so much joy in when they were young and did so many lovely things with. It is not the natural way of things to not be speaking to your kids and to lead completely separate lives. I find it difficult when in company and the talk is about family stuff and kids, I feel I can't join in because it feels shameful not to have a good relationship with my children. It is a very isolating problem and even though I do get out and do lots of things I still feel alone and have a deepseated sadness that will never go away. I feel so sorry for everyone going through this and send my love and blessings. ? Xxxxx

Some wonderful posts from Gransnetters. Such compassion for Ruby. I have a son who isn't nice to me, but my friends tell me I'm a good egg, so I assure myself that one day he may understand his old mum, who has only tried to do her best in the role of mother.

I find its the mums that define themselves by their children or grandchildren especially at Xmas when they boast about how many they have.

I joined a Music Appreciation Class and we all had to introduce ourselves. We were mostly women and it started, one after another
My name is ...I have 1,2,3,4,5 children and so on. The men there didn't say anything about how many children they had, just what instrument they played or what music they liked.
I followed their example.

Some children do tend to blame parents and others with awful parents seem to make an effort to get on with them. Life is long and many difficult children come to their senses when they are older.

sarahhellen ..exactly the same as myselfm daughter no contact coming up 10 years..Literally overnight, disappeared,,only 'contact' is through her friends and LinkedIn .. whenever I find her current address I simply send a card on birthdays ad Christmas. The only photo I have of her in all this time is one I found online via Companies House so I was able to look up her new company ! Never mind ..its her life ! I did once say ona postcard that she should know, being a lawyer, that even a criminal is able to defend themselves ! The happiest and most content friends I have are those who have no children ! some have nephes and nieces ..some are simply using their retirement worrying only where to go on the next holiday !

Ooooh rubylady just what if you decide on a lodger and then you realise your privacy is gone? Needs awful lot of thought.its your home.your sanctuary....take time to think it out properly!!?

Dear Ruby Lady

If you intend to get a lodger this might be a good place to start:
www.shareandcare.co.uk/sharers/

I've been reading these posts and it makes me feel very grateful.

I'm a step mother to a male and female and now that they're grown up we all get along fine. BUT.....

We've had our rough times when first the male "fell out" with us for a few years over something very trivial and it made me very angry at the time because of the effect it had on his father, my husband. It was a dreadful time to go through....

Then out of the blue he had a phone call from his son about 6 years later saying he wanted him to meet his grand daughters !!
We both took it very slowly rebuilding the broken relationship and now are very good friends and very close to each other.

A year later my husbands daughter "fell out" with us, again over something trivial !
Two years later she got in touch and was very apologetic and now we are all good friends again.

The brother and sister haven't got a relationship with each other and we don't interfere with that. It's up to them to do what's right for them.

So all I can say is that Time can sometimes make things better.

We didn't know what each one was going through during the time we were estranged but do now, which helps us to understand.

Both have apologised in different but genuine ways and all is now well.

I'm sorry for anyone who's going through a difficult time with their offspring and can only say again...."It will pass with time"

In the meantime try to find an interest that will occupy your time and mind and try to think positive thoughts about your offspring and pray for them that they will be kept safe and happy.

((Hugs)) Ruby, being a mum is blooming tough sometimes. We spend a lot of parenting time winging it so it's not surprising sometimes things go awry.
I'm pretty sure most of us have had bumpy times and we all do our very best with the circumstances that surround us.

I'm sure you were the best mum you could be and I have to remind myself of this too. You raise your children to be independent and that's as much as you can do, the rest is up to them.

It's time for you to come first; I sympathise re the empty nest syndrome but now' your time to shine.

???? whatever it takes to spoil yourself a little x

I would also echo the thought that it is as wrong to blame ourselves for our children's shortcomings as it is to bask in the reflected glory of their successes. We did our best to raise them, making mistakes along the way.