Husband not invited to a friend's birthday party

Sorry - I hadn't been checking for further responses lately! Things had moved on in that I saw my friend who said that she had told her DH (birthday boy) that he had to call me himself to invite me. So, I sort of felt uninvited! I suggested to her that he could email me if that would make it easier. A week passed before I got a very brief message from him (via my friend's email address so not even sure if he wrote it). I decided to tell a little white lie saying I would be busy and probably not back in time, declining his kind invitation as by that stage I really didn't feel like going. My main concern was not to upset my friend. I got birthday boy a nice present and am actually relieved (I don't even like parties much!).

My situation is not ideal but I was pleased to hear that some other Gransnetters lead rather separate social lives to their husbands too. I still sometimes feel a bit sad and envious when I see couples together who obviously enjoy each other's company; but then I remind myself that I have lovely friends and great times with them. Some of my friends have been single for many years and I know that they can feel down and lonely at times but are generally making the most of life, as am I in my own way.

I agree with JackyB, would be more difficult for you if your husband heard about it from someone else.
The birthday host sounds a little odd so I'm not sure if this an issue worth the confrontation. Maybe you need to look at how things are working between you and decide if this is really how you want to live your life. Good luck whatever road you take.

I should come clean. There may be other mutual acquaintances there and he might hear about it afterwards.. Would it bother him to hear that he hadn't been invited?

I dont think birthday boy is weird not asking the husband, I dont like my sisters husband, cant stand him, so she comes to stay without him. I would Just say going out to a do, no details, will be back around xxx time or just say late, and go. You are your own person with your own life. As long as you can have the life you want without stress then I can see why you stay. But if on the otherhand you are having to compromise and worry about what he will say then its a different matter, out of interest, do you go on holiday together?

DH and i live independent lives. DH regularly goes to garden shows, Christmas dinners and birthday parties to which I am not invited. If I wish to be included I ask for example 'when is the Art Society Xmas dinner this year?' 'Lets put it on the calendar so we are both free to go. Then we both go. Sometimes, if I'm already busy I do not want extra social events, I cant be bothered. I am attending my retired union members Christmas dinner, asked husband, he does not wish to go which I knew he didn't.

You should just do what suits you.

Don't concern yourself that some other friends haven't had their partners invited, that's their problem. You do whatever makes your life easiest. In your position I would say that I was going to a friend's home as she had organised a little do (no lie there). Maybe he does genuinely become concerned if you are late back so I would give him a time and stick to it. There really isn't any point antagonising him if he is a control freak (perhaps that could be another discussion ?)

Cangran violette I totally understand, my partner never wants to share any outside interests with me, over 15 yrs I've tried hard with him digging his heels in to the extent that I've been left really upset and hurt. I was 60 in May and I thought I'm not taking this no more so I went off to Australia to celebrate it with my DD. Since then I've been out and about lots with my friends I just say I'm off out, I don't tell him and he never asks where I'm going. I don't think you should mention it, as I think he will spoil it for you if he starts having a go at you. Just get dressed up put on your lippy and enjoy!

Like yourself, we lead separate lives ....my husband refuses to socialise, go out, have people in, so consquently we have no life whatever outside the house ......or rather he doesn't as I refuse to be bullied into cowering to his belief that since he has no life I shouldn't either !! Bah humbug ! I go out when I want, where I want ,,,I go out in the morning saying I an going to get the newspaper (no paper boys here i France !) and then I go to Bordeaux, or the seaside, or somewhere else ,,,,,because if I ask him if he wants to go, the answer is always no, but if he knows I intend to go out somewhere he will immediately HAVE to go to the DIY shop, etc etc (he no longer drives after 2 mini strokes) ......I tend to give up all my time to doing whatever HE wants, and therefore decided I have a life too ......the onlt time this upset me was my 60th birthday when I wanted to go to a dinner dance and cabaret .......and he said ' I'm not going ...go on your own' ...so obviously I didn't go ..how can you go to a dinner dance on your own ? ! I used to feel guilty going out without asking him, now I don't ....so tell him when you are ready and standing at the door .......if he asks why he was not invited if he finds out if was a 'friend's ' birthday party, tell him why ...because the 'friend' didn't want him there ...it might do him good to know the truth ! I now tell my husband why he is not invited anywhere .......after all, he tends to tell people exactly what HE thinks, which is probably why. Fortunately he doesn't speak French, so I can interpret what he has 'said' without causing offence !! c'est la vie ! GO ...and ENJOY !

And tell him what a good time you had when you get back.

I recommend going. And tell your husband he wasn't invited. By the sound of it, it serves him right. Telling him might even help to bring him to his senses.

I don't mind mrA going off to the pub with his sailing friends. It's nice to have a bit of peace and quiet sometimes
But I think I'd feel a bit narked if the wife of one of his friends was having a special party which included mixed company and I wasn't invited.
On the other hand, I wouldn't be cross with him for going by himself. I'd just adopt my see-if-I-care pose
So I think it's your friend's DH who is the problem, OP, and if you don't want to go, don't. But if you'd enjoy it, then do.

How sad, that you are settling for practical reasons and staying with someone for the wrong reasons. Life is to short to waste it. i visit my mum in the cemetery and she is surrounded by young people who would gladly be able to live their lives to the full. Food for thought

Who likes everybody at a party ?? Some of them are far more attractive and amusing when you've had a drink, or they have.......some people are smiley shits and others dull......but if you are going to weed them all out, could be small party.

I wouldn't give any more information than you need to, you don't socialise together anyway.

You know what you should do, we can only guess, it's a strange set up.I would either not go, and tell the Birthday boy why, or tell your DH that only you have been invited, what does he think?

Cangran, I cannot imagine the life you are living. Is it a marriage of convenience? If so convenient to whom? Don't you want to be free to be yourself and live a life of joy and freedom?

Sounds like typical Aspergers behaviour from the birthday boy!

NotTooOld - you're right, the birthday man is a bit weird (says what he thinks and does what he wants with little thought to anyone else's feelings). My friend is very sensitive (very odd relationship but it seems to work - and who am I to judge!) and she is the reason I will be going to the party. thatbags - I keep track of my husband's meetings by being on his organisation's mailing list, and always make a note of when either of us will be out in our kitchen diary. Although we don't have much of a joint social life, it seems only fair to avoid concern, as long as we're living together, to keep each other in the loop on the basics of when and how late either of us will be out. In this case, I'll just provide the bare minimum of information.

cangran, my husband is not always good at communicating information through talking so we have set up a family diary on iPads, phones etc. This seems to work well at giving basic info and if we want to say anything else that option is still available.

This man giving the party sounds a bit weird to me. It's one thing not inviting people you don't like but what he's doing is just causing trouble. I don't think I'd go.

If the marriage is only for practical reasons, why would it matter? It's either a partnership or it isn't.

He can invite who he wants though can't he and why invite people you don't like ....and certainly tell your husband the rough time you ll be back as even not good partners may genuinely worry

Thank you all for your comments - very useful! I've got in the habit of telling him (more or less) where I'm going and when back as he displays a combination of control freakery/genuine concern and can lay it on thick how worried he was if I'm late/don't let him know. I doubt he will find out what the occasion is so am still inclined to tell him a little, i.e. where I'm going and how and roughly what time I'll be back with no mention of the birthday.

Although I understand he only wants people at his special party that he likes, my friend's husband has put her in a slightly awkward position as it's not only my husband who isn't invited but one or two of my friend's other friends that he doesn't like aren't invited either - and they will find out!

If you lead separate lives this shouldn't come as a surprise to either of you Why would you have to tell him anything if your not a close couple Would he tell you if shoe was on the other foot can't you just say your ll be out that evening and you ll see him later

What would your husband do if the situation was reversed, and he had been the one invited?