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Husband not invited to a friend's birthday party

(30 Posts)
cangran Sat 12-Nov-16 10:18:44

My husband and I don't have a social life together apart from family occasions. It has not been a happy marriage but we've stayed together for practical reasons. He spends all his time on his 'serious causes' whilst I have developed a good network of women friends that I enjoy socialising with. But now, for the first time, I have been invited to a birthday party (a friend's husband's that my husband and I both know) and my husband isn't invited (this man has said he only wants people he likes at his party!).

I will go to the party on my own but am not sure if I should tell my husband that it's a special birthday party, or a white lie, i.e. that my friend is having a little pre-Christmas social for female friends.

For the last few years I have dealt with my situation for the most part by not rocking the boat as I can't stand the stress of confrontations with a bit of a bully any more but part of me thinks that it would be cowardly not to tell him the truth. Thoughts?

Mumsy Sat 12-Nov-16 10:33:37

Speak up, he has his life and you have yours.

Ana Sat 12-Nov-16 10:46:03

Do you have to tell him exactly where you're going/what you're doing anyway?

If he asks, I wouldn't tell him the reason why he's not been invited, that would be rather cruel.

Lisalou Sat 12-Nov-16 10:46:49

I dont know, I agree with Mumsy, you both lead independent lives, but on the other hand, is it worth "rocking the boat"? Will you have to hear how he feels about it for weeks on end? He doesnt sound like a nice person, so I would not be worried about his feelings, but will he take it out on you? You have to live with him, after all.
But then, if he is friends with some of your friends, is he likely to find out the truth? If that is the case, i would tell him. Better that he hears it from you, than from someone else.

Nelliemoser Sat 12-Nov-16 11:27:31

Just go Gal. From what you already said you have no real social life with him.
Just tell him you are out at a party, you don't have to go into anymore detail unless he asks.

You say he is a bit of bully which might be why he is not asked. Is he actually likely to ask you for details?

Good luck!

FarNorth Sat 12-Nov-16 14:07:43

What would your husband do if the situation was reversed, and he had been the one invited?

BlueBelle Sat 12-Nov-16 14:54:14

If you lead separate lives this shouldn't come as a surprise to either of you Why would you have to tell him anything if your not a close couple Would he tell you if shoe was on the other foot can't you just say your ll be out that evening and you ll see him later

cangran Sat 12-Nov-16 15:05:02

Thank you all for your comments - very useful! I've got in the habit of telling him (more or less) where I'm going and when back as he displays a combination of control freakery/genuine concern and can lay it on thick how worried he was if I'm late/don't let him know. I doubt he will find out what the occasion is so am still inclined to tell him a little, i.e. where I'm going and how and roughly what time I'll be back with no mention of the birthday.

Although I understand he only wants people at his special party that he likes, my friend's husband has put her in a slightly awkward position as it's not only my husband who isn't invited but one or two of my friend's other friends that he doesn't like aren't invited either - and they will find out!

BlueBelle Sat 12-Nov-16 15:23:54

He can invite who he wants though can't he and why invite people you don't like ....and certainly tell your husband the rough time you ll be back as even not good partners may genuinely worry

Luckylegs9 Sat 12-Nov-16 15:38:28

If the marriage is only for practical reasons, why would it matter? It's either a partnership or it isn't.

NotTooOld Sat 12-Nov-16 17:28:19

This man giving the party sounds a bit weird to me. It's one thing not inviting people you don't like but what he's doing is just causing trouble. I don't think I'd go.

thatbags Sat 12-Nov-16 17:44:29

cangran, my husband is not always good at communicating information through talking so we have set up a family diary on iPads, phones etc. This seems to work well at giving basic info and if we want to say anything else that option is still available.

cangran Sun 13-Nov-16 10:08:12

NotTooOld - you're right, the birthday man is a bit weird (says what he thinks and does what he wants with little thought to anyone else's feelings). My friend is very sensitive (very odd relationship but it seems to work - and who am I to judge!) and she is the reason I will be going to the party. thatbags - I keep track of my husband's meetings by being on his organisation's mailing list, and always make a note of when either of us will be out in our kitchen diary. Although we don't have much of a joint social life, it seems only fair to avoid concern, as long as we're living together, to keep each other in the loop on the basics of when and how late either of us will be out. In this case, I'll just provide the bare minimum of information.

FarNorth Sun 13-Nov-16 17:00:11

Sounds like typical Aspergers behaviour from the birthday boy!

Esspee Sun 13-Nov-16 17:10:53

Cangran, I cannot imagine the life you are living. Is it a marriage of convenience? If so convenient to whom? Don't you want to be free to be yourself and live a life of joy and freedom?

rosesarered Sun 13-Nov-16 19:44:07

You know what you should do, we can only guess, it's a strange set up.I would either not go, and tell the Birthday boy why, or tell your DH that only you have been invited, what does he think?

Faye Sun 13-Nov-16 21:02:50

I wouldn't give any more information than you need to, you don't socialise together anyway.

radicalnan Mon 14-Nov-16 10:10:15

Who likes everybody at a party ?? Some of them are far more attractive and amusing when you've had a drink, or they have.......some people are smiley shits and others dull......but if you are going to weed them all out, could be small party.

minxie Mon 14-Nov-16 11:48:03

How sad, that you are settling for practical reasons and staying with someone for the wrong reasons. Life is to short to waste it. i visit my mum in the cemetery and she is surrounded by young people who would gladly be able to live their lives to the full. Food for thought

janeainsworth Mon 14-Nov-16 12:50:18

I don't mind mrA going off to the pub with his sailing friends. It's nice to have a bit of peace and quiet sometimes
But I think I'd feel a bit narked if the wife of one of his friends was having a special party which included mixed company and I wasn't invited.
On the other hand, I wouldn't be cross with him for going by himself. I'd just adopt my see-if-I-care pose wink
So I think it's your friend's DH who is the problem, OP, and if you don't want to go, don't. But if you'd enjoy it, then

Candlefran Mon 14-Nov-16 13:32:42

I recommend going. And tell your husband he wasn't invited. By the sound of it, it serves him right. Telling him might even help to bring him to his senses.

Candlefran Mon 14-Nov-16 13:34:01

And tell him what a good time you had when you get back.

VIOLETTE Mon 14-Nov-16 15:33:25

Like yourself, we lead separate lives husband refuses to socialise, go out, have people in, so consquently we have no life whatever outside the house ......or rather he doesn't as I refuse to be bullied into cowering to his belief that since he has no life I shouldn't either !! Bah humbug ! I go out when I want, where I want ,,,I go out in the morning saying I an going to get the newspaper (no paper boys here i France !) and then I go to Bordeaux, or the seaside, or somewhere else ,,,,,because if I ask him if he wants to go, the answer is always no, but if he knows I intend to go out somewhere he will immediately HAVE to go to the DIY shop, etc etc (he no longer drives after 2 mini strokes) ......I tend to give up all my time to doing whatever HE wants, and therefore decided I have a life too ......the onlt time this upset me was my 60th birthday when I wanted to go to a dinner dance and cabaret .......and he said ' I'm not going ...go on your own' obviously I didn't go can you go to a dinner dance on your own ? ! I used to feel guilty going out without asking him, now I don't tell him when you are ready and standing at the door .......if he asks why he was not invited if he finds out if was a 'friend's ' birthday party, tell him why ...because the 'friend' didn't want him there might do him good to know the truth ! I now tell my husband why he is not invited anywhere .......after all, he tends to tell people exactly what HE thinks, which is probably why. Fortunately he doesn't speak French, so I can interpret what he has 'said' without causing offence !! c'est la vie ! GO ...and ENJOY !

Tessa101 Mon 14-Nov-16 17:13:12

Cangran violette I totally understand, my partner never wants to share any outside interests with me, over 15 yrs I've tried hard with him digging his heels in to the extent that I've been left really upset and hurt. I was 60 in May and I thought I'm not taking this no more so I went off to Australia to celebrate it with my DD. Since then I've been out and about lots with my friends I just say I'm off out, I don't tell him and he never asks where I'm going. I don't think you should mention it, as I think he will spoil it for you if he starts having a go at you. Just get dressed up put on your lippy and enjoy!

Grannyben Mon 14-Nov-16 20:54:26

Don't concern yourself that some other friends haven't had their partners invited, that's their problem. You do whatever makes your life easiest. In your position I would say that I was going to a friend's home as she had organised a little do (no lie there). Maybe he does genuinely become concerned if you are late back so I would give him a time and stick to it. There really isn't any point antagonising him if he is a control freak (perhaps that could be another discussion 😊)