NanaRayna. Always remember: Don't rescue to the extent where you have to be rescued. That helps nobody.
Gransnet forums
Relationships
Advice needed - loved but parasitic daughter breaking my heart, and bank!
(22 Posts)At some point she has to deal without your money. Either when you say no or when she has drained you dry and you are homeless too.
The only way you will change things is to learn how to say NO! yes its hard, I know only to well from my own experience. All the time you say yes she will suck you dry!
Thank you all so much for your kindness and good, practical advice. It's hard, but you are right. I'm not helping her with my 'support' so it will have to stop.
The statutory declaration, introduction to Stepchange and a cheap ipad will have to be the end of it. Pointing her in the right direction has never helped before, but I had to sell my last home because of her life choices - now my future has to be protected too.
Sadly, I can't take the GCs and protect them as I'm sofa surfing, and they wouldn't leave their adored mummy in any case. So I'm deeply worried about her going back the loan sharks. When enforcers turn up I'm sure my young grandson would try to protect his mum and their home. All I can do is pray that won't happen.
I sound very soft on her, as some of you have said. It's true. I used to have 5 children, but two of my lovely, lovely boys have died already and that makes me rather overprotective of my remaining son and both daughters. The other surviving children are wonderful, and my dearest wish is that DD2 will straighten herself out and make me proud too.
Thank you again. Your support, kindness and straight talking have done me a world of good.
What a sad story Nanarayna! I agree with everyone on here. Hard as it might be, you really will have to stop before you beggar yourself, although I would guess you are really doing it for the children. If your DD hits rock bottom, the support agencies will have to step in. At that point you could offer to care for your grandchildren if possible.
Until then, do what you can to ensure the children are fed but provide no cash to DD. Not a penny!
You have to say no. This happened to a friend of my mam. Her son drained her and drained her until she had nothing left then he persuaded her to remortgage the house and got that money too.
Do you see the GC, if you do make sure they are warm and fed, your daughter is an adult. The company that sorts our debt is the government organisation stepchange, when she is signed into them, she can start getting her life back in order, but that will be her to do and organise. IF she is not open to suggestions just look after yourself and the GC when you see them. X
I could write a story along similar lines. I got tired of bailing people out of trouble. I also got tired of it being expected that I would also bail out the OHs. One day it just all got too much and I shut up the purse.
I don't see the DC, clearly their love was only on my financial support. The DGC are too young to undertake a visit to me on their own. At least this way I see what the interest was in me and I can ignore the desperate pleas. My own DC and the DGC if they are desperate can come to my house and eat till the burst but I will not provide for the OHs. If the DGC need clothes or shoes they can be provided but the labels and the receipts will be removed.
It is a hard way to treat our DC but I for one have got to the end of my road on this. I think you need to follow similar lines and show the DD that she has to get herself sorted out or she will have a lot of dealings with social services.
(I may sound terribly hard but I have been through this for 20 years and it is taken that as I am alone now I will be a push over!)
Sadly she needs to be told to go to the appropriate agencies and you have to stop propping her up. She herself has got to make efforts to stay clean from drugs and get support.
Have your heard about this as a an experiment it seems to having sucess.
"Inside the secret court that helps victims of drug abuse keep their families together"
www.theguardian.com/law/2015/may/17/parents-drugs-judge-children
I have every sympathy because one of our son's is irresponsible with money so I do understand. I agree you need to stop giving her money. Possibly you could pay for occasional groceries if you wish to. eg on line delivery or Tesco voucher. Could you say you will go to CAB with her if she wishes? Are your other children supportive of you and/or her? I agree tough love is the way forward. It will not be easy but in the long run would be better. Have you got a hubby to support you? Try and be strong. Give her clear messages and stick with your decisions. I wish you well.xx
How old are the children?Agree with others that the Bank Of Mum hast to stop before you are drained of cash yourself.You MUST hang on to your new house and not sell it.
You could go to the Council with her and see that she is put on the housing list, you could have all of them to live with you meanwhile (if you want to)but no money for anything else.Unless she has special problems, she is an adult who needs to be responsible for her children.Good luck.?
Stop being a first class mug. You have enabled her behaviour, and continue to do so by throwing money at her. What sort of role model is she to her children? She doesn't have an ounce of respect for you, and I don't have an ounce of sympathy for you. My sympathies lie soley with her poor children.
Totally agree with notanan, you are feeding her 'addiction' . Tough love is called for however hard that is. You have other children to consider and losing your home and money is not going to help your daughter or them. Time to think of yourself and let her find her own way in life.
before you know it you will also be homeless and out on the street because you have never said no to her.
and your daughter and DGCs won't be any better off for it. You won't even have helped, because you're really just "helping" her to keep up her behaviour cycles. So it'll have all been for nothing!
Can you repost reaching out to other parents of addicts? most will have got to a point where they realised their help isn't helping and will have made the difficult decision (after breaking point sadly in most cases) to withdraw from practical support for the sake of themselves and the rest of the family. - They'll probably be best placed to help x
I agree with notanan, before you know it you will also be homeless and out on the street because you have never said no to her.
You have to apply tough love or she will break you totally.
she will continue until you yourself are homeless and run out of money
I agree with this!
Like if you tried to help a drug addict relative by yourself with no professional help, you will end up a victim of the addiction and broken in all ways, and your loved one will still be an addict.
Her behaviour is that of an addict, normal behaviour filters don't apply, she doesn't care what she's losing so long as she keeps spending/feeding into it
Your heart is in the right place, you sound loving but broken
However, I have to say that giving money to someone like your daughter is as much "help" as giving booze to an alcoholic, it's enabling her cycle of behaviour.
There is professional help for people involved with loan sharks. She's a dept addict! If she was an addict for drugs or alcohol you wouldn't try to help without professional support, so don't feel like you should be able to help her single handed just because her addictive behaviour is recklessness with money rather than substances.
There are professionals who can help, she needs professional help with the root of her addiction, proping her up with practical or financial help won't "help" long term x
What Miep says is correct, but I suppose you will not do it. If you do your relationship will finish, she is so used to you baling her out of every bad decision and she will continue until you yourself are homeless and run out of money. In the long run it has to end. This way you hang on to your house, long run, lose everything including her.I personally would sever the ties, risk her not seeing me, live my lfe with the family you do have, I would write to her before you doing it, stating you love her but financially and emotionally you are almost rock bottom, she is a grown woman and she has to live by her decisions, the bank of mom has closed. I probably appear hard and I know I would not have done what you have. She would had a short sharp shock early on after her second chance, I would stick to it. I do know people who have been in your position and it doesn't get better and ends badly. Good luck and try to avoid guilt tripping yourself, she chose this way of life, not you.
Oh my word NanaRyan......as you say 'my youngest' guessing you do have other kids so is it fair to them to be so giving to one only She is being a spoilt one because you are enabling her to be so, blooming hard not to be soft with a child who pulls your heart strings but you have to be harder ......How old is she ?and what's happened to her iPad/computer or whatever she's been using ?
If she's out on the streets the council will have to house her even if it's a hostel has she never worked ? I mean a proper job
Tell her you have no further money to lend/give her be clear or else she ll keep asking sometimes as hard as it is people have to reach rock bottom to come back If you still can't walk away then do something practical like take her to Citizens Advice they would go through everything with her and help her with alternative ways out of her pickle
Buy your little house and enjoy it
NanaRayna Is she your only child? Have you ever said "No" to her?
Personally, given what you have already said I would back right off. You are not helping her by ensuring that she has a ready supply of money on tap so clearly she is not going to change. It will be hard but if you really love her you will dish out some tough love and just say "No". No need to talk overmuch about it and keep your own financial circumstances quiet and to yourself because she clearly sees what you have as "hers".
STOP bailing her out. You can make a "Statutory Declaration" to change your name, find the right words online, then take it to a solicitor and have it witnessed cost £5. Laptops are cheap from Morgan Computers. Get one and say that's it with electrical gear. The Post Office have a special account that the DSS DWP et all can pay into and them alone. Get the council to house her, they have a duty of care. Then harden your heart and block your ears. Good luck
Advice, please because I don't know how else to respond to my youngest DD but to keep paying out money I can't afford to lose. She has been a constant drain on my resources for years, but always has 'good reasons' for not being able to support herself and my DGC. Most recently she had been working as an online glamour model but now has no ipad, smartphone or whatever to go online and do her job. She also has to move out of her rented house as the landlord wants it back. She has NO bank account (due to abandoning huge debts previously) and cannot get even a basic one with no overdraft because she has no passport and no driving licence. She has changed her name, but has no proof of identity for the passport, and previous drug use/drinking means she cannot get a driving licence without providing a hair sample to show she's been clean for however many months that test shows. Of course, she can't do this.
She wants me to loan her three thousand pounds so she can buy another ipad and expensive lingerie for her online temptress role. She also wants me to pay the deposit and initial rent for a new home for her and the children. I suggested she look for a second hand ipad/iphone/laptop and I might be able to lend her the money for that - but she's adamant she has to have the best and newest. The deposit for the home will never be repaid, she trashes everywhere she's been, but the kids have to have somewhere to live. The last few years she had a sugar daddy, but he's ditched her because of her constant demands.
I'm now not in work. Have sold my home in order to pay off the debts she got me into over the years, and have been looking forward to moving to a new little house I was buying myself and setting my self up in business with the few grand left over. So the money going out is not getting replaced. I've just had to stump up three grand for her because she'd borrowed from loan sharks and the interest was a hundred pounds a day. They came beating on the doors in the early hours and promised to petrol bomb the house, with her and the kiddies in it - if they didn't get paid. I was there and witnessed this. Got a smack round the head for being in their way too.
Because the kids were out of school for over a year the social services had been involved, but are as much use as a concrete trampoline. No help at all, and the kids are sick of them just nosing in all the time without supporting anyone.
What the hell do I do to make this come out right?
Join the conversation
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join the discussion, watch threads and lots more.
Register now »Already registered? Log in with:
Gransnet »