DIL problems that I don't get

Eeeeww!!

Dogs licking from plates? We once sat next to someone having an ice cream, dog licked it, then owner licked it, then dog licked it, then owner and so it went on. They were both very happy.

I was in the pub the other night and the landlady's obese labrador came sniffing around our table - it STANK. It licked the handle of my walking stick and my handbag. It had probably been sniffing other dogs' poo or licking its genitals - oh yuk and double yuk!. We had to shove it away as you could not eat or drink with that terrible smell. Just revolting.

I like dogs - and all animals - but if I catch a whiff of doggy breath my stomach does an involuntary heave. I can't control that, it is built-in and instinctive. Even the nicest of dogs does get that smell sometimes, and some never seem to lose it.

So Lilyflower maybe you tell me which religion has all the following, no divorce, stigmatisation of unamarried mothers and their children, no abortion, even for rape or abuse, brainwashing impressionable young teenage women, men only as the religious leaders and power and lets not forget sexual abuse.

WE should ask why she has been "offish" - she may have good reason if she was being forced to put up with something that she does not like.

Good lord! I always, mistakenly, obviously, thought we were a nation of dog lovers- how wrong I was, as everyone seems to be blaming the op close bond with her dogs rather than the unfriendly DIL, who has apparently always been ' offish'

I am an ardent dog lover but I would never ever put mine before my grandchildren. There are dog sitters who could be with your dogs so you can foster a relationship with your DGC and perhaps even with your DIL.

One of the things that occurs to me about your DIL not wanting to come to your house is that if you let your dog eat off the plates, it may be stomach churning for your DIL. I know people who do and I know my husband wouldn't want to accept a cup of tea or anything to eat from them!

Try to see it from her point of view: difficult, I know, as I had a beloved cat that was viewed with distaste by friends and some family. Your dil may think you prefer your dogs to her children. Try sending the children little messages to build up the relationship. I sent mine pics of a lamb being kept warm in an AGA; a baby koala cuddling his teddy bear - anything but doggy pics!

Don`t agree that relationships with married sons are completely different than with married daughters , that is one heck of a presumption. Agree with AmMaz and anya , this is nothing to do with the dogs , they are a convenient excuse .

I think one of the things OP should realise is that your relationship with your son once he is married will be completely different from that with your daughter when she is married. Your son's loyalty should be to his wife. I think the problem needs talking about with DS and DIL without the inclusion of DD or any dogs. Unless the relationship with DIL is resolved the situation will just get worse. If DS and DIL have different opinions from OP, this does not make them wrong!!

This is really odd as I've never come across such fear and dislike of dogs in my life. Every single person I know is a dog person, every child I know personally loves dogs (and cats, and horses, and rabbits, and chickens, and .....)

I can only come to the conclusion that I gravitate towards animal lovers

On the contrary - the OP focuses on the dog issue and most posters are suggesting to him that he should not do this and should take them out of the equation by accepting his DIL's feelings on this and behaving accordingly.

If they have any other "issues" between them then this will clear the way for them to be sorted out.

Grannygranby I feel for you.

So many responders here have focussed right in on the dogs issue but it isn't really about that it seems as you're saying she has been hostile from the start, right?

There are DILs out there - and a growing number of them from anecdotal evidence I have come across - who can't relate to their MILs in any way other than that they are a threat. One young woman told me that she does not understand why so many of her peers see their MILs in this way "almost as if they are the other woman!" - And we are punished accordingly.

You don't mention whether the DGC get to see their other grandma or how the DIL is with her own mother? Maybe you're copping it for unresolved issues with her own family and your son is afraid to challenge her, showing her the misplaced loyalty she demands.

Whatever the reasons, this insidious DIL power-play is on the increase and it is devastating. It is devastating because by default it curtails or erodes three lots of relationships: the one with her and then the relationships we have with our sons and our grandchildren, all hostage to this new female omnipotence.

Grannygranby, many here have given you advice but it probably feels like there is absolutely nothing you can do. The harder you try the more she is getting off on it and it confirms her in her power, right?

There is so much of this going on but I suspect that many women/grans don't want to say so for fear of exactly what has happened here in this post - other women round on and blame THEM. Instead I often hear it from the men (granddads) actually.

Please know that I understand exactly what you are going through, for what it is worth. And please keep us posted.

Grannygrunt you make massive assumptions about the DiL, what she is likely to say to her children and what the children's characters might be.
You can have no idea about any of that.

Are you speaking from experience Grannygrunt? You do sound rather bitter, and perhaps are not detached enough to advise the OP (not that she seems to need or want it any more!)

what on earth does push them to the kerb mean
Whatever, it sounds extremely unpleasant.
Respect is not a right.

I would ask if your posts are wind-ups Gg123 but that would probably be deleted.

I would find it very easy to stop thinking about a son/daughter who was not prepared to meet me half way regarding anything their partner objected to. DIL is not a very pleasant person and she made that clear from day one of meeting OP. If our children can't show us the same respect as they show their partners, then I wouldn't think twice to push them to the kerb. They'll more than likely need you before you need them. Cannot stand the way people treat their parents once they get a partner. Totally unacceptable behaviour. As for the grandchildren, DIL will more than likely speak ill of their grandmother in front of and to the children, so I wouldn't want some spoilt and misguided child/children in my company anyway. just because they are your children does not mean you dismiss unacceptable behaviour from them. No matter their age. Stop being a doormat

Your probably right f77ms and Grannygrunt 123,but how do you stop loving your son and GC.How can you just stop thinking about them.

Well, there are always two sides to every story and it would be interesting to hear both.

I had to go back and read the op after reading the replies ! I thought I had totally misread it . Why is everyone focusing on the `dog` problem . The op says this DIL has been hostile from the start , the dog thing is just a good excuse for her to keep control of the situation . I am not a dog person but if I was I eould not be told to put my dogs in the garden while someone took advantage of my hospitality . They could just be put into another room with the door shut .

The DIL does sound very unpleasant/odd and I would not be wanting to spend time with her . Sadly you may have to accept that you will never be allowed to have a good relationship with you GDs whatever you do . Your son is not willing to stand up to her so there really is nothing more you can do. Try to find some other interests and don`t let this peevish Dil know that she has so much control over you by withholding your grandchildren .

Have to say on the subject of dogs it is not mad or unreasonable if you don't like dogs! I never have and much prefer cats. It's a personal thing and doesn't make me a bad person! I don't like the smell of dogs, the dog hairs their personal hygiene (my daughter has a dog which will eat poo if given a chance!) and to be honest I don't find their blind loyalty endearing much preferring the independent attitude of my cats! If the OP's DIL doesn't like dogs she should not be strong armed into spending time with them

I think if the DiL had come here putting her view of the problem relationship, most people would be supporting her and criticising grannygranby's need to have her dogs around at all times.

As re.a doggy smell in the house not true, my house does not smell. I have been in houses without animals which really did smell usually of stale sweat and lack of cleaning. I think too many people are being too harsh on the OP she loves her dogs, they are probably her best friends. The problem is some grandmas NEED their grand kids more than they NEED them. The OP should not lose one nights sleep over her DIL or her son. Who will the son run to if ever they split up????

Maybe dogs were present at the first meeting? And maybe they were 'out' when OP visited because she was accompanied by the dog? If the DiL doesn't like/is afraid of dogs that would explain a lot.