Grandaughter

Diamond

I don't agree that you're overthinking this but I suspect you have been unable to talk through this complex situation and so it's going round and round in your head.
I do agree with a Christmas card message of "always here for you"
Yes, she's a 26 year old adult but she's also a grieving child inside and that is what you're responding too, quite naturally. Comments that you're just bothered for yourself are shallow. Ignore them.
My perception is that yes DGD can't face coming to your house because it's where her darling granddad died, but also I suspect she is deeply distressed that you do seem to be able to stay there. She may wrongly be subconsciously thinking you aren't missing DH (enough) and her circular private thoughts are negative about you.
Finally, and this is very difficult, she might be pushing you away as a misguided form of self protection. She can't face being close to another person who's going to leave her/die like everyone else she's loved.
Knowing how deeply you love her, I understand why you want to help her, indeed may feel you have an ongoing responsibility to help her.
Sadly, I think there's little you can do beyond the "I'm here" message until she gets help from someone outside the situation.

When my mum died my son was 6yrs old 11 months later my step-dad died they were very close . My son became very off hand and nasty to me hardly spoke and was very cheeky he was ok at school and with my oh and freinds it came to head one evening when I got upset and to my shame cross with him but it was best thing that happened
He got upset and it turned out he was worried that I was going to die and leave him like they had grief affects people in many ways hope it all turns ok for you all .

Your dgd has had a difficult time, but so have you. You are speculating-nothing more-on what could have caused her behaviour towards you. Maybe it's depression. Maybe not. Maybe she's traumatised by her life experience. Maybe not. You have no way of knowing, and with respect, you are overthinking it, imho.

She's a grown woman capable of making decisions, and rationalising her behaviour. If she has depression, she is capable of getting herself to a GP for treatment. If she has other issues which need resolving, it is up to her to resolve them. And I think you may just be coming across as needy, which she may find off-putting.

It sounds to me as though she may well just have a busy life full of work and friends. Unfortunately this may mean that you've fallen off the radar, which may be a temporary thing, or it may equally mean a gradual and natural pulling away.

Whatever the reasons, you are not responsible for her well-being, and I think perhaps you need to stop investing in her quite as much as you appear to be doing, and look after yourself.

Carol1ne63 I am sorry to hear of your situation but please please keep those lines of communication open. My first husband made me alienate all my family and friends. Any form of perceived criticism from anyone ended in him rowing with me. Maybe your DD is between a rock and a hard place herself. When I finally had had enough I had nowhere to turn. I know it's hard and thankless but please try to be there for her. It may not be all her fault.

Flossieturner I agree with you about the older grandchildren not having so much contact, I think this is inevitable, I only saw my dear granny on family visits in my late teens. It is hard especially when you have had the care of them as babies and toddlers.

diamondsgirl if you are able to ask DD if there is a problem I would might help to set your mind at rest.

I think your GD should realise that you too are grieving, not just her. She is an adult not a child and she cannot put all the weight on to your shoulders. You already have to deal with DH's death and how you are going to cope without him. I guess with time she will come round. Just let her know that you will be happy when she does visit again. It sounds as though she is reeling from one relationship that was off and is now on, followed by a permanent loss of Grandfather and she is struggling with it. Maybe she does not dare to get close to anyone at the moment because of the fear of losing them too....especially if they are old. Too much pain involved.

I wonder how many mid-20 people have a close relationship with their grandparent.

My eldest 3 greandchildren are approaching this age. We were very close when they were young but now I see them only when I visit DD or DS. We don't contact in between times. I think this is a natural progression of how families work.

Maybe, because you had such a close relationship when she was younger, you have too high expectations now. Try not to be hurt, giver her space and leave the door open without in anyway judging her.

A very sad situation,*diamondsgirl*, no wonder you're so upset.
Is your DGD close to any other member of the family? Who is she living with now? Maybe you could contact that person and ask them to join with you in trying to repair the relationship.
I agree with the point of being patient, and giving it time.

I think the fact that your DH and her DGD died in the house is something that upsets younger people. A neighbour asked me as a long term resident if anyone had died in her house. A young relative said our house did not feel the same after a resident died but that relative died in a hospital not at home. My own dds do not understand how I feel living alone in the family house. It is not that I feel haunted or spooked, the fact that I am the only one left now is emphasized by being alone and retired.
I dont know what the answer would be for your DGD or even you and me.
Sending hugs
SPF

I hope it all works out for you. Three and a half years is still early days when you lose somebody dear?

Thank you all...I have read the suggestions very carefully. I am not aware of asking her to fill any void, in fact when her mother was with someone else she came to me for help and maybe to live with me...that situation rectified itself thank goodness, but I think explains in some way the relationship we used to have.
I am wary of writing a letter, because it might be interpreted as pushing her as Elegran said. I do think it is also to do with the house, as my husband died at home, and DG has said she feels spooked when she comes here, particularly when she goes into the conservatory where my husband died, and she was present at that time.
I have said that my DH would want us to continue with family gatherings and meals as we used to have when he was alive, but she is considerably spooked still.
I think it is a combination of many things, her erratic childhood with my DD marrying when DG was 8 years old, then having an affair and getting divorced, then getting back with her ex-husband and remarrying him, all had en enormous effect on her, and then to lose her beloved grampa was obviously difficult for her.
Despite my feelings about how she is with me, our contact is now virtually nil. I am aware that young women her age lead busy lives and I am so pleased she has got friends with whom she can relax and a job she enjoys.
I think I shall just have to leave things, and hope that in time she might start texting or communicating in some way. Thank you all again

I may be on the wrong track here but is it possible that her major problem is connecting your house (and simply by association, yourself) with the trauma of losing her grandfather?

Just be there for her as and when required. She's experienced a family that didn't see stability as a priority, which felt free to swap loyalties rather than offering unconditional love. This isn't unusual. Her reaction to it doesn't have to be classed as clinical depression. Sorry, but this IS sounding very much about you. (But that's OK too.)

Sorry to hear about your situation with DGD diamondsgirl. I'm having a similar situation with DD who now seems to have alienated all but one of her sibs, their partners, children and my DH - with help from her partner who seems intent on her alienating me as well. Really tricky. I'm just trying to keep lines of communication open and hoping she'll realise I'm here if she needs me. Any form of perceived criticism/attempt to illustrate to her other people's point of view just seem to push her further away, so stuck between a rock and a hard place. It's not easy and I feel for you. Take care xx

Did you go see a counsellor after your loss?

Louizalass I think you have it.

Maybe writing to her as suggested, and which places no obligation on her would help both of you. It may be a while before she responds, though.

diamondsgirl

I don't think I would write her an emotional letter, at the moment that could easily appear to her to be you being needy and wanting to lay your need on her. That could make her back off even more. Add a note to her Christmas card, being friendly, wishing her well and hoping she enjoys her day.

Can you speak to her mother and find out what the problem is (if any) and whether you can be any help?

DiamondsgirI I should have added don't smother her

Diamondsgirl this may sound harsh but at 26 not 6 or sixteen your granddaughter is an adult whether you like it or not.Let go.You may need to stay in the background for a while.Let her come to you.Don't smother her.If you have previously been close I doubt she will discard you. Give it time.She is a lucky girl being able to have accommodation at her parents home while saving for her own
A xmas card saying you will be there if she needs you
leave the rest to her.

I wonder if someone has said something to her to upset her, or she's overheard something that's confused her? Sometimes people don't talk about things, they turn away instead, because they can't make sense of it.

Would it be possible for her DM to ask your DG if she'll speak with you?

When my husband died my MIL would ring us every day asking how we were but what she really wanted to do was go over and over the details of his illness and death. I know she needed to do this but her grandchildren were the wrong people to seek this support from. It distressed them and kept putting them back in a bad place. They were both in their early twenties and wanted to move on in their own lives. Your DGD works long hours and then dashes about with her friends - that's what she should be doing at her age. She doesn't make frequent contact? That's normal too. I just wonder if you're expecting her to fill the hole in your life and she's backing away from that responsibility?

The problem sounds to be with your Granddaughter, who at the least, is suffering from a long-term emotional disturbance, or may even be clinically depressed. All you can do is just hang on in there, keep sending out those loving vibes, and do what you can to facilitate the professional help she may need.

I think you have to give this time ........it is horrible waiting for things to process themselves but it is the only way. Write one letter and then leave it up to her. Be very brief, least said soonest mended as people who are depressed do see things through a lens, so no mention of what you miss in case she misinterprets that just say you love her and door is always open..........

I hope it comes right for you all. You have to give time, time.......

It sounds as if your granddaughter has had a lot of emotional turmoil to deal with as she was growing up and that some of it has knocked her off balance for the moment. I hope she decides and is able to get help. In the meantime perhaps send her a Christmas card saying that you're there for her, and keep in touch at Christmas and her birthday but keep it light. I hope she will come back to you and I'm sorry for your distress

I would just write her a letter stating that you will always be there for her with open arms no matter how long it takes for her to be ready to make that contact.Let her know how you miss and love her .Then leave her alone and wait for her to come to you.She might feel you are pushing her and the more you push the more she will back away.