Grandaughter

It's possible that your DGD is suffering from some sort of MH condition which causes her to isolate herself from the very people she needs. (Depression and BPD make me do that).

She's had a lot to put up with whilst growing up and your DH dying might have been the final straw that pushed her over the edge into illness.

Does she still see your DD?

Does sound like depression, the clinical type not just feeling sad. You can only suggest your granddaughter gets some help, maybe you know someone else she is close to who could encourage her with this. It's so hard seeing things go wrong and not being able to help. Sometimes it's necessary to accept that at the present we can't do any more . Let your granddaughter know you are there for her and then try not to worry.

Is there anyone in the family who she might have an idea as to why she is being like this , hope it works out for you eventually

All you see is a very angry young woman, you say, and you miss her company and love.
This makes you sound as if you are putting yourself first and wanting your DGD to change her behaviour for your benefit.

Is she only angry towards you or does she seem to be generally angry with everyone?

I dont think it sounds like the OP is putting herself first, I think the "Angry young woman" comment is an observation, not a criticism. She also comes across as desperately wanting to help her to come to terms with losing her grandfather. I can understand she feels rejected by her beloved granddaughter and would love to recover the relationship she had with her. to you, diamondsgirl, my heart goes out to you, could her mum talk to her about it? Is she close to her daughter?

Thank you for your messages..I do not think I am putting myself first..I am concerned about her reaction to losing her grandfather, and she is now so closed in, she will not discuss anything.....
Thank you Lisalou, I believe she is suffering from depression, she did try counselling after DH died and really liked her counsellor, but did not last long..her attitude is 'I'm fine, nothing wrong at all'. DGD has two medical conditions which need regular monitoring, but she leaves appointments for far too long before getting her checks done.
She lives in a flat on the ground floor of her mum and step-dad's house, but is saving like mad for her own place. She and her mother are not really close - it seems to me that DGD is always working late hours then rushing off to visit friends in her spare time, as if she has to fill her hours, which is what makes me believe she does need more counselling, but I do not dare mention that.
I have simply run out of ideas of how to re-establish any lines of communication with her, especially as I seem to meet an almost hostile attitude..I even thought that she resented her DGD dying and wished it were me...that is how far I go looking for a reason for her attitude, which I know is far fetched, but from the relationship we used to have and the one we do not have any more, I am clutching at straws to know what to do for the best.

Very upsetting. Could it be that she is rejecting you so that, in her mind, she won't feel your loss when the inevitable time comes when she loses you, too?

She is rejecting you before you can 'reject' her (ie leave her like she sees others have left in some way or another?)

Just a thought.

I hope you are able to find a solution. I hope she seeks help as she'll make herself very unhappy and ill.

All you can do is keep trying and holding your door and heart open to her.

I would just write her a letter stating that you will always be there for her with open arms no matter how long it takes for her to be ready to make that contact.Let her know how you miss and love her .Then leave her alone and wait for her to come to you.She might feel you are pushing her and the more you push the more she will back away.

It sounds as if your granddaughter has had a lot of emotional turmoil to deal with as she was growing up and that some of it has knocked her off balance for the moment. I hope she decides and is able to get help. In the meantime perhaps send her a Christmas card saying that you're there for her, and keep in touch at Christmas and her birthday but keep it light. I hope she will come back to you and I'm sorry for your distress

I think you have to give this time ........it is horrible waiting for things to process themselves but it is the only way. Write one letter and then leave it up to her. Be very brief, least said soonest mended as people who are depressed do see things through a lens, so no mention of what you miss in case she misinterprets that just say you love her and door is always open..........

I hope it comes right for you all. You have to give time, time.......

The problem sounds to be with your Granddaughter, who at the least, is suffering from a long-term emotional disturbance, or may even be clinically depressed. All you can do is just hang on in there, keep sending out those loving vibes, and do what you can to facilitate the professional help she may need.

When my husband died my MIL would ring us every day asking how we were but what she really wanted to do was go over and over the details of his illness and death. I know she needed to do this but her grandchildren were the wrong people to seek this support from. It distressed them and kept putting them back in a bad place. They were both in their early twenties and wanted to move on in their own lives. Your DGD works long hours and then dashes about with her friends - that's what she should be doing at her age. She doesn't make frequent contact? That's normal too. I just wonder if you're expecting her to fill the hole in your life and she's backing away from that responsibility?

I wonder if someone has said something to her to upset her, or she's overheard something that's confused her? Sometimes people don't talk about things, they turn away instead, because they can't make sense of it.

Would it be possible for her DM to ask your DG if she'll speak with you?

Diamondsgirl this may sound harsh but at 26 not 6 or sixteen your granddaughter is an adult whether you like it or not.Let go.You may need to stay in the background for a while.Let her come to you.Don't smother her.If you have previously been close I doubt she will discard you. Give it time.She is a lucky girl being able to have accommodation at her parents home while saving for her own
A xmas card saying you will be there if she needs you
leave the rest to her.

DiamondsgirI I should have added don't smother her

I don't think I would write her an emotional letter, at the moment that could easily appear to her to be you being needy and wanting to lay your need on her. That could make her back off even more. Add a note to her Christmas card, being friendly, wishing her well and hoping she enjoys her day.

Can you speak to her mother and find out what the problem is (if any) and whether you can be any help?

Louizalass I think you have it.

Maybe writing to her as suggested, and which places no obligation on her would help both of you. It may be a while before she responds, though.

diamondsgirl

Did you go see a counsellor after your loss?

Sorry to hear about your situation with DGD diamondsgirl. I'm having a similar situation with DD who now seems to have alienated all but one of her sibs, their partners, children and my DH - with help from her partner who seems intent on her alienating me as well. Really tricky. I'm just trying to keep lines of communication open and hoping she'll realise I'm here if she needs me. Any form of perceived criticism/attempt to illustrate to her other people's point of view just seem to push her further away, so stuck between a rock and a hard place. It's not easy and I feel for you. Take care xx

Just be there for her as and when required. She's experienced a family that didn't see stability as a priority, which felt free to swap loyalties rather than offering unconditional love. This isn't unusual. Her reaction to it doesn't have to be classed as clinical depression. Sorry, but this IS sounding very much about you. (But that's OK too.)

I may be on the wrong track here but is it possible that her major problem is connecting your house (and simply by association, yourself) with the trauma of losing her grandfather?

Thank you all...I have read the suggestions very carefully. I am not aware of asking her to fill any void, in fact when her mother was with someone else she came to me for help and maybe to live with me...that situation rectified itself thank goodness, but I think explains in some way the relationship we used to have.
I am wary of writing a letter, because it might be interpreted as pushing her as Elegran said. I do think it is also to do with the house, as my husband died at home, and DG has said she feels spooked when she comes here, particularly when she goes into the conservatory where my husband died, and she was present at that time.
I have said that my DH would want us to continue with family gatherings and meals as we used to have when he was alive, but she is considerably spooked still.
I think it is a combination of many things, her erratic childhood with my DD marrying when DG was 8 years old, then having an affair and getting divorced, then getting back with her ex-husband and remarrying him, all had en enormous effect on her, and then to lose her beloved grampa was obviously difficult for her.
Despite my feelings about how she is with me, our contact is now virtually nil. I am aware that young women her age lead busy lives and I am so pleased she has got friends with whom she can relax and a job she enjoys.
I think I shall just have to leave things, and hope that in time she might start texting or communicating in some way. Thank you all again

I hope it all works out for you. Three and a half years is still early days when you lose somebody dear?

I think the fact that your DH and her DGD died in the house is something that upsets younger people. A neighbour asked me as a long term resident if anyone had died in her house. A young relative said our house did not feel the same after a resident died but that relative died in a hospital not at home. My own dds do not understand how I feel living alone in the family house. It is not that I feel haunted or spooked, the fact that I am the only one left now is emphasized by being alone and retired.
I dont know what the answer would be for your DGD or even you and me.
Sending hugs
SPF