My reference to Eastenders was merely that this is becoming more like a soap opera and other than enjoying a rant I am even less clear about what OP was seeking to achieve with her thread
BTW I have no problem with " standard" English, just some questionable esoteric variants (neologisms?)
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Relationships
End of tether with mil, need help.
(173 Posts)Hello – I’m new and here out of desperation. I’m on the other side of your traditional coin, as it were, and am hoping you’ll have some wisdom or strategy we haven’t considered, as I’m rapidly reaching the end of my tether with my mother in law, and all the daughter-in-law forums I’ve been to recommend we run and never speak to her again, which is a fairly drastic step I’m trying to avoid taking. I also apologise for the length – there is history, but I’ll try to be brief.
To set the scene, my husband is the only child of his parents, and his mum, my MIL, is also the only child of an only child. My MIL’s mother passed away about 6 years ago, so we and her husband are all she has by way of family, which is why we’re trying to avoid cutting her off.
My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for 4. When I first met his mother, it was immediately apparent we’re very different people – she’s involved in the arts, is very extroverted and outgoing and open with her emotions, whereas I’m science-y, quiet, introverted and hate being the center of attention. Despite this, I was still hopeful we could have a good or at least workable relationship, as I get along brilliantly with his dad and also DH’s university friend who they’ve sort of ‘adopted’ as a pseudo-son.
Things were okish until we got engaged after we’d been together for 5 years (broke students = long engagement). At that point, her behaviour started to spiral. She’d always been a bit overbearing with how much involvement she wanted in our lives, and we did give her jobs and responsibilities with the wedding, but she went from ‘a bit over-excited’ (every conversation she had with us had to be about the wedding, she’d send us long rambling emails full of ideas we didn’t want, would attend wedding fairs without us) to ‘invasive but we could just about cope’ (she sulked and made PA comments for weeks when I said I was buying my wedding dress rather than letting her make me one, she nearly sabotaged our venue negotiations by calling them behind our backs, those long rambling emails became weird entreaties begging for us to change our dates or locations to something cheaper along with lists of things we could better spend the money on – not items that would have been helpful, but things like fresh rosepetals strewn down the aisle and things like that) to finally in the last 6 weeks, totally off the rails.
Due to a mix up with hotel rooms, we had to intervene and swap things around so a disabled guest could actually have a room with disabled access. MIL lost it.. Twelve increasingly hysterical and abusive voicemails, then radio silence for a fortnight, then when DH finally called her, she spent over 3 and a half hours screaming, crying, and wailing down the phone that if DH didn’t give her the control over the hotel rooms back, she and FIL would refuse to attend. Eventually, DH caved, but our opinions of her from that point on were permanently changed.
The wedding itself, the night before we each had family gatherings at separate restaurants. A cousin of DH’s grabbed me the following morning while I was getting ready, to report MIL had gotten drunk and spent the evening badmouthing me and DH about how we were so shameful and disgraceful and thoughtless, etc. Faced with having to confront and eject them from the wedding the day of and my DH not having his parents there, I kept my mouth shut, but having to cope with my blood boiling every time I looked at her didn’t exactly mean my wedding day was happy or relaxed.
After that, she sort of returned to normal for a little bit, and I kind of wrote it off and tried to just swallow the bad feelings – afterall, weddings make people crazy right? I was sure if she hadn’t apologised for her behaviour, it was only because she’d realised how bad it was in hindsight and was thoroughly embarrassed and didn’t want to bring it up.
Unfortunately, the last 18 months have given lie to that, and we’re now faced with how on earth to handle her. The first incident was she had a screaming temper tantrum in a car park at my DH that we should call our son her maiden name – I was not, and had never been pregnant at the time, we weren’t ready to TTC. This was followed up with an email that started out sensible but then became increasingly rambling and incoherent, and centered around the fact we’d double barrelled our surnames and this somehow made her feel left out and then spiralled into weird justifications about how he would always be her baby? DH acknowledged we’d received it, but never replied and never brought it up. He also overheard her saying to mutual acquaintances multiple times that she would have loved to have been more involved in our wedding but she ‘wasn’t allowed’. Blood boil – that was when I finally cracked and told him what she’d said about us the night before the wedding. He was horrified, but didn’t confront her.
God this is long: to the point. We’ve recently had two big things happen; we’ve just bought our first home (yay!) and are finally TTC (double yay!) She obviously knows about one but not the other, and she’s repeating the same behaviour. She got upset and very insulting to DH when we wouldn’t give her a house key to our new home to decorate it without us there, even when he spent 2 hours cajolingly explaining why. And now she’s kicked off a big argument because she has a whole load of her old furniture in storage, and feels we’re ‘insulting her’ by buying our own furniture rather than using what she keeps repeatedly offering. I want – no, I NEED to stop this behaviour NOW, before I get pregnant. Women from my family have dangerous pregnancies anyway, and the added stress she is likely to dump on me if she continues like this (or gets worse; she’s a little baby obsessed) could jeopardise the health of both myself and my child, and if it gets to that, I will cut her off rather than risk that, but I want to avoid it getting that far. So we need to force the issue NOW, rather than let it drag on to that point.
However, any drawing a line…well, the history speaks for itself really, in that it’s her way or the highway (with lots of screaming). When she isn’t acting like this, she is very loving and nice. She obviously adores her son – it’s just that she doesn’t appear to have any grasp of reasonable boundaries or expectations, and we really need to give her some.
So, MILs and grandmothers (and grandfathers, if there are any!) have you been in this situation? Did you and your adult children have to have a sit down and reset expectations? Did it go well? What would have made it go better? Are there any resources or books that I could point her at that might help her manage her expectations? Was there any logic or thoughts you had that led to an ‘Aha!’ moment that you think could be suggested to her? Is there something you think we might have missed that should be considered where we could change how we behave?
Help?
Did you mean "losing" frustrated?
Thanks elegran. Given that the only ammunition Fairydoll seems to be able to grasp on the grounds of if I hate her or not is a single line where I'm actually quoting an accusation Yogagirl threw at me, rather than something I've actually said, I'm not 100% certain she isn't just trolling rather hard and her comments should be entirely disregarded?
Not quite as you read it, fairydoll What she wrote was " . . . posters turn up to tell me I'm lying, I hate my mother in law, . . . etc". Disagree with her as you wish, but not with things she hasn't said.
We don't see my MIL anymore.
She went from seeing us once a week and having our DD alone to zero contact because of her behaviour. You cant change some people you just have to change how you react to it.
Doesn't matter what 'title' you are. MIL, DIL, SIL or FIL if you have a relationship with someone who has a, erm, challenging? Personality. You have just try, if nothing then step back. I couldn't be around my MIL as it was effecting my health and made me ill. I had counselling and she gave me all the tips how to handle people like my MIL. It was very helpful for me and DH, could you do something like that? Even now i have much better self esteem and im more assertive.
It was more complicated for us as we had DCs, when she couldn't get at us she started on them, and thats when a switch went off in DH and it was a complete game changer for him. So be prepared, im not saying she will but she might.
Oh frustrateddil. We don't all disbelieve you. I can see what a predicament you're in. Your MiL sounds a nightmare. Sadly I don't think she's likely to change and could get much worse when GC on the way. Realistically, all I can see is that you must withdraw but I'm sure that will be next to impossible for your DH. All I can offer is my sympathy.
11.22 post Far from hating my mother inlaw....
11.52 post I hate my mother in law....
Dear oh dear.
Speechless 
I can only answer those I've used:
My bad - my cock up/my fault
Flipping my shit - loosing one's rag, loosing your temper, going on a rampage.
Given you need a hand on those, I'm surprised you know what a 'chewing out' is.
DWIL I am familiar with, and is a babycenter group called 'Dealing With In-Laws'. They're a little too...harsh, for my tastes. I've seen them advocate for an entire cut off of relationship without ever trying to communicate what the issue is/was, which doesn't sit well with me at all.
That being said, given my choices seem to be to come here, be told I'm lying, that it's all out of proportion and I'm either writing for a soap opera or stealing things from it (can't quite work out the nuances of what Daphne's implying by repeatedly referencing Eastenders), and I should just roll over, and go over there, and get told to treat her as if she'd dead to us and divorce my husband if he doesn't follow suit, I'm starting to lean towards them. At least there, I'll be believed, even if their recommmended path is far more drastic than I'd like.
Am I living in a parallel universe?
What do these mean:
My bad
Join the bird
The fact she doesn't hve (sic) much smiley
DwiL
Flipping my shit
Yes, my bad on that phrasing. What I meant was "I shall give no further updates on the interactions between myself, my husband and his parents, not even if they rock up on the lawn naked and dance the Charleston, and given that means there should be little to nothing further to discuss here, I don't anticipate posting anymore, but I reserve the right to change my mind should some new posters turn up to tell me I'm lying, I hate my mother in law, I am here posting for advice and answering questions rather than just flipping my shit and chewing her out solely because I loathe her so, that she can't be that bad and we should just try saying no (gosh, never tried that before), and proclaim, often in the same post, that she obviously has something seriously wrong but also that I should never even dream of obstructing her access to any children I have, all the while demanding apologies".
True. I should have gone with the second. My bad. It's just less...pithy.
OP. One last comment. Join the bird DwIL (google it)
They will help you guide your OH is dealig with this woman and protecting your future children.
And with that, I shall disappear into the ether
That was a mere 10 hours ago.
Is there really any more to be said other than perhaps apologising to Yogagirl for the paragraph starting Holy insulting Batman and telling her to get off the Internet and get professional help.
Pots and kettles.
And do not blame yogagirl for "projectioning" (whatever that means, I know it as a geographical term) as I believe you raised the issue of jeopardising the health of myself and my child which was picked up and taken into greater detail by Wendysue
Far from hating my MIL I've not said one word to her
Whatever gives us the idea you hate your MIL? Well, apart from several column inches.
As I said - Eastenders on speed.
Daphne - I write fantasy novels. If a dragon turns up or someone casts a spell, you'll be able to tell I've added my own creative twist to things. Soap opera style dramatics and interplays bore me to tears and aren't my thing. But thanks for the implication I must be lying or blowing things out of proportion. It's really appreciated.
Frustrated you said you wasn't coming on here anymore 
Can't read it, so long, I'm going out, will read later, take it I'll need a tin hat 
Oh goodness me. This is ridiculous.
1) DH and I follow the 'your family, your decision' rule. Far from hating my MIL, I've not said one word to her. Nor have I somehow twisted my DH's arm into taking this action. I was NOT in favour of the email he sent, certainly not as a first step - I'd have preferred having, or at least trying to, an actual conversation over these things, ideally with FIL present so we got his actual input on these matters, not just MIL's say so. But he sent it anyway, as is his right, so my job at this point is to support him.
2) That being said, he showed me the email after he'd sent it. While it is clear and firm, it is also scattered with reassurances that he loves her, does not hate her, that her behaviour is the problem and what needs to change, and that he greatly desires a relationship with her, it just has to be a healthy one. Literally, the sign off on it is 'I love you very much, from {DH's name}'. It was not some expletive filled obscenity that boiled down to 'do what I want or else', it was an invitation to build a healthy relationship together.
3) Of course he's unhappy? Where on earth did I say he wasn't about the situation? Wouldn't you be unhappy if you discovered a family member you loved very much didn't love you enough in return to even apologise when they'd done something awful to you? Were I in his position, I would have spent the entirety of Xmas in an unmovable funk. He scowled whenever her name came up, but about 40 seconds later, would seem to shrug it off and move on. And I did check with him to be sure he didn't need more support than he was letting on - he is being genuine. This was not him putting on a brave face for others benefit.
Yogagirl, I am not being malicious, or spiteful, or flippant when I say you need to get off the internet and get professional help, I am being genuine and sincere. There is obviously something wrong here, because you are so invested in your own situation that you project it onto everything. From what you've said, this scenario is pretty much your dream outcome, isn't it? You imply that your AC has cut you off without warning and without any means of reestablishing a relationship, and you'd love a way to fix that, if only someone would tell you how? Well, DH has told MIL how, and it's really really easy to do. Literally, she just has to say sorry, and then they go to therapy to work out some way of interacting that is more tenable. That is it. She doesn't even have to pay money for it, we'd do all that. And she won't do it. We've read every message she's sent, no matter how hurtful, been kind and patient with every person who has called us on her behalf, and none of them have said the magical word 'sorry' or anything even approaching it. And far from grasping that, you've immediately jumped to the conclusion that I must hate her and be the one keeping DH away somehow (I have no idea how? He's a grown man with his own income and transport and we have no children so if he wanted to go, there is literally no way for me to stop him?) despite that being very very far from reality. You're on here seeking...what, exactly? Validation? Or perhaps someone to give you hope or a new approach to fix things? (Ironically, the same reason I'm here...) I'm trying to tell you it isn't working, and what's more, just seems to be hurting you. This pain is only going to get worse if you continue as you've been doing. I honestly, truly say this with every kindness in me - you don't have to keep hurting this much. It's ok to try and move past the pain. You being in pain is not going to bring your AC back, it's just hurting you. Professional help could allow you to move on, and might even throw open a new avenue of approach you've not thought of or considered! Genuinely, genuinely, I am not being nasty. Go and talk to someone.
I also find it very interesting that on this board, exactly one person has called out Yogagirl for telling me I must be lying/exaggerating, but far more are very quick to jump onboard and label it awful when I point out she needs help. Says an awful lot about the atmosphere.
And to clear things up: Currently TTC. There are no children in this equation at the moment, I think the confusion only arose from Yogagirl's projectioning. But people are perfectly correct, neither DH nor I would be happy fostering a relationship between MIL and a child with her behaving like this; if this is how she behaves with adults who are quite capable of defending their own autonomy, then how she'd treat children who aren't is past consideration. That being said, given I'm not even pregnant yet, there are a number of years before a child could even reach the stage of being able to form meaningful connections and relationships, so maybe she'll be able to change her behaviours by the time that rolls around.
I Think there must be are a lot of mumsnetters on here, only thing that would explain the hostile posts towards Mothers & Grandmother!
It all strikes me as a massive overreaction on both sides. All this talk of therapy and birth plans and grandparents when the girl isn't even pregnant yet - it might never happen. How on earth do people get so worked up about other people's lives?
OP has gone on at length egged on encouraged by various members , and let's face it, we don't know diddley squat about the true situation here, as far as I know nobody is a qualified relationship counsellor, or psychotherapist and our opinions are precisely that- no more.
Heigh ho. The whole scenario sounds like Eastenders on speed and the phrase OP used of herself "aspiring author" may mean more than at first sight.
Thank you Fairydoll & Daphne 
Bibbity Police !?! My God it's a witch hunt, and no mistake. poor women, I'll pray for her, I really will
This young girl from Mumsnet [OP] has come onto our Gransnet forum, for advise from Mothers & Grandmothers, as to weather to 'cut out' her m.i.l from her, her husbands & future C lives. You have mostly, not all, guided her into cutting the poor women off from her Son [& future GC] that she loves and her Son clearly loved her back. If GFB this estrangement ever happens to you, the light bulb moment, the fall into the 'pit of despair', the grieving, will be like no pain you have every felt, or will ever feel in your life! This could be your d.i.l or s.i.l with your life hanging in the balance! The pain could be till the day you die, as after just a few months, the damaged done is so great, it cannot be undone! The f.i.l is also 'cut out' by proxy.
MIL is now greasing the Op. I'd tell her once firmly to stop and then I'd call the police
What on earth??
Any child the Op has she has a duty of care to. That includes protecting that child from dangerous people.
Yoga. You seem to think that GP have a god given right to relationships with their children and GC.
AC are not responsible for their parents behaviour. If you can't be a decent person then of course someone isn't going to want you in their child's life.
MIL is now greasing the Op. I'd tell her once firmly to stop and then I'd call the police
I also think the comments to Yoga were unkind and intemperate. "Get off the Internet and get therapy" or whatever did not need saying.
I am finding the situation increasingly hysterical and while you are clearly at odds with a very strange-sounding woman, the scenario seems to escalate by each post.
Perhaps there are mental health issues, in which case unqualified comments from strangers on the other side of the Atlantic are unlikely to be of practical use, or perhaps you just have fiery and mutually antagonistic temperaments.
As you said, you are an aspiring author - there seems to be a book in this somewhere.
advice NOT advise. Grr...
I am confused about the stuff regarding birth plans. In her original post OP said she wanted to stop things in their tracks before she gets pregnant (6 December, so just 3 weeks ago)
Are congratulations in order?
Isn't talk of medication during labour all a bitOTT premature/ in the future? Not to mention depriving PILs of their (future) grandchildren?
Or have I missed an announcement?
With all sympathy and respect, might it be a good idea to cool it and calm things down instead of anticipating disasters which may never happen?
Frustrated
Your paragraph referring to Yoga was very unkind. How can you say that a few words in her response to your post showed why she had been cut out? That, clearly, is an overreaction.
Reading your lengthy post this morning - which revealed a lot more about your situation - there appears to be far deeper issues going on here. You MIL appears to have mental health problems have serious issues and your DH is having therapy.
Unfortunately, I don't think Gransnet is the place to look for advice. You have to overlook the minutae and concentrate on the bigger picture. As your husband has low self esteem, in some ways he may be enabling your MIL's behaviour. I think professional advise is the way forward here.
WendySue. 'What' medication or 'if medication is irrelevant. The OP has enough to concern her in the present, let alone worry about the 'what if's' of the future.
I wish you all the best in sorting out what seems to be a very complex problem.
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