No presents this year from my ds and dil

Scousegirl I feel your pain. My son and his wife between them earn over hundred thousand pounds a year. The conversation every year goes like this 'what would you like for christmas son' and its usually designer then adds 'we arnt spending alot this year because we have had quite a few weddings(the stag and hen weekends are always abroad) they have bought a second home too so can understand the expense. I reply just a card will do. The point isnt about the gift its about the thoughtlessness behind it.No I wont be seeing him over xmas because its his turn to go to Scotland, which isnt reciperated the other way DIL wont take turns. I live on my own. Its not all sad thought because I have got two great grandchildren and will be spending the day with the. There is always a silver lining.

sadly you are just going to accept that this is the way it is. At least they do still talk to you - I assume anyway. Ours do not talk to us, have not done so for 5 years or more. We did quite a bit for them, both before they married and after, but it seemed that it was never quite enough?
So advice to you is get on with your life, probably when they think you might be getting through the inheritance they might think differently. But, enjoy your life, you only have the one, and sitting on resentment over lack of Christmas presents/boxes of chocolates is just not worth it. Disappointment can eat away at your life - if you let it, so go out and grab life, go on a holiday, join a club, do whatever it is that makes you happy. For me, if I was not as disabled as I am, I would help out at the various clubs there are, dole out food at the soup kitchens, help out at the YMCA, [but they do prefer it if you can stand up, and reach the ladle]

scousegirl One thing I have noticed about this forum is you can rely on people's honest opinions and these tend to be varied. But the fact that they have taken the time to reply shows, I feel, that they mean well enough to try and help.

I hope you are not put off posting again! I hope you come back and tell us all what happened and how it all worked out. I for one would love to know.

Wishing you and yours a Happy Christmas xx

My previous post is not directed at scousegirl, but is a general comment about all of this biting of tongues and being careful and grateful around our offspring. Of course we should be kind, supportive and loving to our children and we should expect our offspring to behave In the same way. Now about those dogs.

Eloethan. I agree with you. I find it very odd that grandparents are left walking on egg shells negotiating their way around thoughtless children. I would never have treated my parents in such a way, I would hate to be so needy that I will accept being walked over by thoughtless, unkind,disrespectful children just so I can see them. I think there has to be some mutual respect and kindness in these relationships, we are talking about adults not small children who don't know any better. Off the feed the dogs, that's unconditional love for you!! and they don't expect Christmas presents.

I'd go with Grannypiper!

Scousegirl,I hope my comments weren't among those that you found upsetting - that wasn't my intention at all! I meant only to share things that had helped me in similar situations, and to recall something that had been painful to me in the way you related. I don't post very often, but do value the opportunity to compare feelings and offer solidarity. As I said before, though, if I caused any offence at all, it was entirely unintentional, and I wholeheartedly apologise. It is all too easy to make unwarranted assumptions about how other families relate to each other, and what might be water off a duck'/ back to one of us may be devastating to another. But I certainly would not wish anyone to be suffering a 'baptism of fire' as a result of something I'd posted, so if I am, I hope someone will gently tell me!

I feel sad for all the people , and there seem to be an awful lot of them, for whom Christmas is a minefield, with worries about who goes to whom, who buys what for whom, and for those who are lonely, or made to feel that way, by the emphasis on a perfect Christmas. Considering it is 'supposed' to be time of goodwill, it is not living up to expectation. I suspect we expect too much.

For families who don't bother with Christmas presents or have a Secret Santa system (as we do), then, of course, this wouldn't upset them.

But from what Scousegirl says it appears that they have in the past exchanged Christmas presents. I can quite understand why she feels hurt. It isn't the present in itself - I'm sure even a small, perhaps homemade, gift would have been appreciated. It's the thoughtlessness and the knowledge that they appear not to have been especially careful about money so far as socialising and other expenses are concerned. However hard up they are, a small gift surely wouldn't break the bank?

Scousegirl I can understand the urge to say something when you are feeling so upset but I don't think it's a good idea. I hope airing the matter on here has helped to lessen your hurt feelings.

I really don't understand why some posters take the view that parents should be grateful that their children are visiting them. I think there is something very wrong with a society which has little regard for its older members. Unless a parent/child relationship has been unhappy and dysfunctional, I think grown up children should, as a matter of course and as far as they are able, make the effort to visit their parents .

Scousegirl, I would welcome them, still give them presents and expect nothing. I would love one of mine to come for a proper visit.?

I have sent money (we sent gifts the first year but the postage was horrendous and I'd rather add that to the money) every year to my son and d-i-l in the US since he moved over there to marry. I also include money for the grandchildren and we send a joint card from me, my daughter and my grandkiddies here. Never had a gift back or even a card from them. It annoys my daughter but I just think well, at least I have bothered, and also it isn't my US grandkiddies fault their parents are like that. It's the same with birthdays.

Just sounds like thoughtlessness. If they are coming to stay, great. I don't think grandparents need to be grateful that their children decide to spend time with them. I'm sure that you have both been great parents, done your duty etc.

Have a great Christmas, agree to not buying presents much easier for you in the future. Enjoy your own life, your kids are what they are and that won't change, better that you concentrate on the things in life that make you happy and leave your kids to develop their life according to their own values. No expectations stops future anger and anxiety.

Scousegirl, you've had a bit of a baptism of fire if this is your first time on Gransnet (forgive me if I'm wrong, I just haven't noticed your name before)!

Please don't be put off posting elsewhere. For some reason this thread has been very popular and, as you say, stirred up a lot of feelings, one way or the other. It's not usually quite so lively...

Have a very merry Christmas with your family

petalmoore I don't think the OP can count on this selfish pair to 'help' her in her old age! As others have said -its the thought that counts.

I regret posting now!! I had no idea it would stir up so many feelings! I have taken on board the comments both good and bad and thank you all for them. I do feel that perhaps my feelings have been miscontrued by some, but never mind. Family relationships can be very difficult at times but at least I do have a family, who I DO love and will be so glad to see them on Boxing Day, with or without presents! I wish you all a very Happy Christmas and a peaceful New Year.

No presents ...but presence would be nice !! let alone a card or a phone call !!

Nothing to stop you buying, say, a big tin of biscuits to take home on Boxing Day - this might at least show that you value gifts as a symbol of affection, without making too much of a 'thing' of it. If you believe that presents show love, you could act on that, and 'pretend' you're OK if you find the gift isn't reciprocated. I've found that doing this can help with the feeling of miffedness, but if you put too much care into it and they still don't take any notice, you might end up feeling even worse. I once spent quite a lot of money on matching but contrasting Petit Bateau (designer, expensive) T-shirts for my husband's twin nephews when we first met them, only to have their mum pull the parcel open, barely glance at the T-shirts, toss them aside and then remark with an off-handed laugh that 'they have so many T-shirts they'll never be able to wear them all'. Of course, the first new baby in a family always has far too much, and if they are twins, they tend to attract even more gifts, but I wish their mum hadn't been so upfront about not valuing even the thought. I'm a little ashamed to admit that I have not forgotten this, even after six years ], and even though the poor girl must have been absolutely knackered.

Very soon your 'children', and you, will all have aged, and then you will have to put up with them wanting to 'help' you, whether you need it or not - they will know best! Right now, though, I imagine they are taking you for granted because you've always been there for them, and in paradoxical way you can reflect that it's because they know you're their rock. Enjoy that while you can!

I hope this helps, but if I've hit a raw nerve instead, please forgive me ... I hope in any case that you have a very happy Christmas.

I enjoy giving presents to the people I love and yes, if I'm honest, I do enjoy receiving presents too. But what gives that pleasure is realising that someone who cares about me has put time, effort and thought (not necessarily a lot of money) into finding something I will enjoy and appreciate. So what would hurt me in the OP's position would be the thought that one of my children just couldn't be bothered to make any effort at all. Let's face it most of us like to feel appreciated, whether we admit to it or not.... and that's why sadly adult children sometimes disappoint us, they can sometimes be a little thoughtless, as we probably were ourselves at their age and stage.

I love presents, but wouldnt expect from someone who didnt have enough money at the time, treat yourself to something and show your Son and DIL when they come, either they will think you can buy what you want anyway, or it may jog their concsience a bit, whatever way, have a Happy Christmas.

It's the being taken for granted that hurts. The, "mum/dad won't mind" attitude.This what happens when you do too much for children after they've grown. "It's the thought that counts" except they haven't, have they? One year my daughter literally had a budget of only £2 per person (student) and I got a packet of chocolate raisins and was as pleased as punch. I lurves chocolate raisins I does and she knew that! ?

Material things are just that...material and perishable. Experts agree that positive experiences are what give us the most happiness, not 'stuff'.
Spending time with your family is the greatest gift you can receive this holiday season. The holiday music, the lights, a glass of wine next to the hearth, the hugs, sharing stories with your loved ones....these are the worthy experiences to cherish; much more than mere presents. So, forget the gifts. You have something much better to look forward to...you will be celebrating with your loved ones.

mauriherb what a thoughtful friend

As a family we agreed to limit spending on adult presents many years ago and make more of birthdays instead. It works for us, but certainly have to put much more thought in to buying a present now there is a limit. For me it's the family together which is the most important. For so many people Christmas is a stressful/lonely/ isolated time of the year and that is just so sad.

My eldest son does not spend much on me but I do for him his wife and two daughters.Not that I can afford it but he helps me in other ways if I have a problem in the house.Am also spending Xmas day with them,My younger Son does spend more but has a well paid job.He is away this Xmas as is in the forces.I gave him his wife and there little son their presents to take home when they came to visit me and and his brother and family last weekend. I think love is enough not the price of things.

I think this is very much a problem of habit.
For decades it has been a case of a one way valve, we have cared for them and put our hands in our pockets. We have trained them that that is the way things are and until something (usually a health emergency) gives them a shock they will carry on in the same old way.
They are not being selfish, just not growing up where Mum and Dad are concernedq