No presents this year from my ds and dil

And to turn the topic on its head, would anyone here have dreamt of telling their parents that they wouldn't get a present at Christmas because they had a friend's wedding and stag do to go to? When we were bringing up our family and seriously strapped for cash, we could still manage to put some thought into presents for our mums and dads - a book they would enjoy, homemade sweets, a framed photo of the children.

Yes, Christmas is about the joy of giving, not receiving. What a shame that this young couple are denying themselves that pleasure.

Some very good replies.
I can understand you being upset too, Scousegirl. Our adult children do tend to take us for granted, 'Oh, Mum and Dad won't mind if we economise on their presents' etc.
They would probably be surprised if they knew how you feel.
One of ours is a bit like that, he's not very good at understanding people's feelings.

I would be very hurt too, their priorities seem to be very different from ours and although I understand not buying for everyone in the family I do think this is thoughtless on their part . I hope your Boxing Day turns out better than you expect

I think a small gift that has had some thought gone in to it would still be nice from you to give them on boxing day and the main thing is they want your company and are wanting to be with you.

Ps,forgot to say we've stopped doing adult pressies , but think if you are visiting flowers &a a bottle of wine are a must, agreeing with others who have already posted the same

Join the club! We have never received a present or Christmas card off our son and DIL ever. We have always bought their children presents and cards.We don't retaliate Tit -for-Tat. We always send cards and take over wine and biscuits for them.Here too a box of chocs or Liquorice Allsorts would suffice.They earn around £70000 between them. We are pensioners. It used to hurt but Hey! Ho! if that's what they are like then so be it. Life goes on.

Seeing them is worth far more than a present, they probably don''t know what to get you anyway. Just love being with them and try not to judge their lifestyle - most young people appear to have a completely different set of values to us. They are giving you the most important present - their time and love.

HurdyGurdy has expressed it very well. Just a small point, why did DiL have to pay for back surgery? Are there lots of 'lifestyle choices' being made by this couple and which take precedence over OP and her DH? As others have said its easy and inexpensive to make lovely gifts. All it takes is time and thought. DS and DiL missing those perhaps?

Brilliant HurdyGurdy , poor Scousgirl must be feeling even worse reading some of these posts, alot of our generations children have come to think that they must have /do it all , it's almost as if they feel that they don't exist if they don't have & do everything that's on offer ? Should not be at the expensive of downgrading ones own parents!

From a different perspective, in common with many people of 'our age', I have enough 'stuff' to see me out. Only yesterday I came across a gift my DDs had bought for me several years ago, and which I had 'stashed' away until I could make use of it. This is not the first time this has happened. I love buying presents for the family and fortunately can still afford to do so at the moment. However, I really wish they wouldn't reciprocate. I have asked them to donate to charity etc., but apart from my 70th birthday, a few years ago, they have never done that.
I appreciate this is veering away from the OP, but it just illustrates how tricky things can become if we let them. I wouldn't worry too much about the non-appearance of a gift and just be thankful to be able to spend time together. [tch grin] [tch smile]

I think a lot of you are missing the point. The son and daughter-in-law spend lots of money on going out and going away for weekends. I think it is selfish that they can do that and not even buy their parents a Christmas present. That is my opinion

So many great posts, and many different. I have to agree they took you into their confidence. Maybe when they said NO presents, they want to forego the 'usual' for your family and the cost that entailed. And that even their friends will not get anything.

They have good jobs, but if she paid for a back operation, then that's a massive amount of money they borrowed. I had a herniated disc that had nerves embedded into the disc as it had gone on for years. I paid out of our savings and it was £10,000 plus a few hundred for the consultant/surgeon. I could not wait for ten months on the NHS as I would have been out of work.

Maybe they have woken up and are changing their social lifestyle as well. After the operation, it may have become unsustainable and they realise their priorities and are cutting back. Including lunches out and with family or nights out with friends. We pay our own way when dining out with ours unless a very special occasion for us or them, it takes obligation and pressure away and we go out more often now.

Try to be supportive of them for minding their finances now. Many on here would be over the moon if their grown children or grandchildren became less materialistic. Some never learn and parents go broke bailing them out.

Hope, though, to see that they bring something for the table on Boxing Day, wine or flowers, as a gesture for your hosting them.

Try to see the good side of what they are doing. If it shows later they are not economising and were just being scroogey about Christmas with you, then I'd be miffed. But I would give them a chance for now and commend them. Things may change one day when their debts are sorted.

Although some people have large salaries, they can be unwise with spending and if they are "in debt" it is kinder to agree that they should attend to this first.
I volunteer in a charity shop and since I started there, am horrified by the waste of money that goes in to these celebrations. Countless unused items are brought in - luckily for the charity - and we are told they are unwanted gifts. I also had a most uncomfortable Xmas with new in-laws - these adults had a specification I was unaware of, of buying each other 5 presents, one fun, one you can eat, one that is useful etc., and all in big Santa stockings made for the occasion. I was uncomfortable and next year, suggested that perhaps as we adults had most things we needed, give instead to a charity that will provide a meal for a homeless person. I now do that every year and they get a card.

"Everthankful
All sorts of homemade gifts can be sewn, baked and crafted very easily so really, there is no excuse for turning up with nothing, especially when you expect to be given room and board. It's just manners, after all."

Nail. On. Head.

I feel very sorry for scousegirl on this thread. She has taken a real battering and quite unnecessarily. Her comment is taken out of context from the rest of her life and her relationship with her son and daughter in law.

I fully understand where she is coming from on this. I don't get that she is expecting lavish gifts, and I am 100% certain (to the poster who even brought this up!) that she is delighted and relieved that her daughter in law's back surgery was successful. Quite how that should be accepted in lieu of a gift though, is a bit beyond me.

Nevertheless, she is feeling extremely hurt that she and her husband/partner are being dismissed in such a way by her son and daughter in law. It is difficult when you can see people enjoying active social lives (which will come with some cost or another, no matter how small that cost is), planning finances for a friend's wedding and a friend's stag do, and weekends away (which definitely come with a cost - even if it is just travelling expenses), and are then told that you, the parents, won't get anything at this time of year (when, let's face it, most people DO exchange gifts of one kind or another), because they can't afford it. It is a real slap in the face.

ESPECIALLY when you read everthankful's post.

In this case, I do believe it is the thought, of lack of it, that is so hurtful to scousegirl, and not the financial side. That comment about Poundland chocolates was just plain nasty and totally unnecessary.

Scousegirl - I would have a couple of bits handy for when they come (socks for him, gloves for her for example) just in case they do bring gifts, but wouldn't offer them if they don't. Just say nothing or at least say you appreciate the idea of not spending money unnecessarily as you understand from your own current situation how difficult things are at the moment.

I hope you have a nice day with them scousegirl, and that it doesn't upset you too much.

It sounds and if their circumstances have changed, and you may not have the whole story. Recession is still bubbling away and affecting people's finances. Seeing them at Christmas is your biggest present more than what's bought. They are making the effort and expense to see you.

On a practical note you are saved money by not having to buy presents for them, which may help fund a visit to see them in the New Year.

Best wishes xx

Enjoy them coming on Boxing Day and have a lovely time together. Give them a gift if you want to. How about something personal like a framed photo.

I personally now only buy gifts for my daughter and children. I feel the buying of presents for everyone at Christmas is to boost the sales in the shops

Also if they buy for you they would feel obliged to buy for all the family members and maybe they feel they want no gifts rather than give cheap gifts when others will be giving them expensive gifts. Obviously they are concerned about their debt which is a good sign even if Christmas doesn't seem to be a priority over stag do's.

So they've told you they have a big loan to pay off and you want them to spend money buying you a gift?

Fine to be upset but can fully understand why they've said no presents - would you rather they get in even more debt?

I get you're a pensioner and not much disposable income either so perhaps you could suggest a £5 Secret Santa?

Scousegirl I know you are feeling hurt but I do wonder if you already had an inkling about their financial situation when you asked your DS about Christmas presents this year. It is terribly difficult for some people to a actually confess that they are in difficulties so I think it says something that he felt he could share this confidence with you whereas he couldn't confess it to their friends. They clearly want to hold their heads up as regards going to a wedding which is a big expense for everyone in some circles and to not go to a stag do would be extremely difficult for your son both now and in the future. When we retired we realised just how much of a saving it was not to go out to work any more. There are clothes, fares and all the social expenses to take into account and probably a few more that I have now forgotten about.
I think you should feel honoured that they have taken you into their confidence and react as responsible parents would do by writing out a cheque to DDIL's father, who gave them the big loan, for the amount that you would normally have spent on them both. In fact DH and I would add on the amount we would normally give to each other to the cheque and some extra if we could possibly manage it. It will help to clear the loan quicker and help them to realise that you care for them very much. I think I would bake a batch of biscuits, box and wrap them just so that they would have something simple and inexpensive to unwrap.
You need to ensure that they feel very loved and appreciated for the long journey they will have undertaken to visit you and really make them feel very welcome in your home. You cannot know if they will bring a box of chocolates or any other such small and very irrelevant 'host and hostess gift' with them so please don't embroider in advance any perceived slight as it will quite likely mar a bright future.
You need to think with much broader vision. You and your DH have given your son the confidence to have total honesty with his parents and should be congratulating yourselves on a job very well done.

As someone who spends a lot of time on money saving forums it sounds like your family have followed the advice there to the letter. It sounds like your child is in debt and doing what they can to minimise it by being mature and financially responsible and talking about it first. Additionally he is probably aware that as pensioners it's likely a gesture you too would like, removing any obligation on yourselves to get them something too.

It does however show the error in them believing you would be equally mature and proud that they are taking steps to keep their financial head above water.

My advice is to be pleased that he is being responsible, it sounds like their finances are in a bad state. Perhaps they are concerned about their future finances in 2017 and don't want to burden you with their worries? But you know, as long as you get a £5 box of chocolates that's more important....

It wouldn't worry me unless everyone around me received a gift from my son and I didn't. What I crave for Christmas is smiles, and hugs if I am lucky, depending on which of my offspring it is. My most affectionate child I have persuaded not to send presents and to spend the money on their children.
You would think they could stretch to a potted bulb or bunch of flowers though

i,m a nanny whose helped raise my grandaughter but her mother is a nasty piece of work who keeps stopping me seeing my grandaughter heartbrokem not seen her since feb 16 won,t let me buy grandaughter any xmas presents as iv,e done for nine and a half yrs i,m her second mom whose been looking after her financially cared for her and much more so distraught i,m a disabled ill pensioner shes hit and verbally abused me pure evil

They are coming to visit, so they must love and want to see you over Christmas. They might well bring a bottle, chocs or a tin of biscuits which would be a bonus but just be happy to see them and enjoy their company.

Personally, I would rather our children not to buy for us - maybe a token box of chocs if they insisted. I can remember buying for my DMiL and her saying I wish you wouldn't spend your money on me and getting a bit miffed and thinking why doesn't she just accept it. My children reminded me of this so I just go with the flow.

Well Scousegirl whenever my partner goes out to lunch with her family three adults and two children usually or any combination of that they expect her to pay not only for herself but also for them and wouldn't dream of offering to pay. She is retired and they live about 70 miles away and this is a quite frequent occurrence about every six weeks or so. They all have good well paid jobs. Amazing!

When I got married we had nothing....not a sausage. I had to sell my bike to enable us to buy food, never mind give presents.