No presents this year from my ds and dil

agreeing with all the comments here,I think I would go further &I tell them that it's a relief as you never know what to give/get them &that money is tight for everyone .the added bonus of this is that they hopefully will realise that they won't be able to plead poverty & expect you to help them out. I think our generation tried to give our children more than we ever had, unfortunately it's now a generation of wanting it all, I for one am glad I am not of their generation , I think they have lost the happier contented feeling we had by not having it all.

Children are often staggeringly thoughtless, but it doesn't mean that they don't love you. Often it is the most devoted and caring parents who are taken for granted in this way, but the affection is there, and the desire to spend time with you - that's what really matters.
Take heart and don't feel upset - and DO buy yourself those lovely choccies!

I'm still revelling in Deedaa's message of yesterday in that a successful Christmas is one where 'nobody has died' Absolutely love it and will try to carry it with me when the going gets tough. Oh yessssssss!

Sounds to me as though these two have overspent and are trying to pay off their debts.

I would say be thankful they haven't asked you to help them pay anything towards their debts and that they are happy to come to you for Christmas. If this was me I would welcome them with open arms and hope to take a bit of the pressure off. I think if you do this they will one day tell you that they valued you being there for them when they needed you.

What makes you think they will not bring a bottle and chocolates when they come?

Some people do not see their ds or dd for years. At least yours want to visit you.

Scousegirl, I am so envious of you that your family are coming on Boxing Day and staying over. What I would give........... Also I'm impressed that your son is prioritising his precarious financial state. Great upbringing. Debt is a killer.......... Think positive. Time is the next generations' pressure and they're devoting a chunk of it to you. Lucky girl.

Must add, that my daughter isn't a stay at home mum with time to spare, she is the one that works full time. Her husband is wonderful and takes the majority of the responsibility of running a well ordered household

I think you have to be glad that they are putting paying their mills first as a priority. They are coming to see you. That's a really good thing; so enjoy their company.

It wouldn't bother me at all. I would just accept it and be glad that they still want to come . Personally, I think you are being a bit too touchy .It's ok. A present doesn't mean they love you more. Their money is tight. Accept it. Doesn't mean they don't ever spend on anything again.

My daughter and her little family are visiting for Xmas and staying over so that they are not on their own for Xmas (we have a large family and she's used to the hectic crowded gatherings!). They have a large mortgage and only one income and find it difficult to finance pressies for their little boy and everyone else. She sets about making homemade gifts for us all. Chilli Jam, sloe gin, chutneys, bramble and apple jams,etc., all beautifully wrapped with ribbons and bows. I really look forward to receiving these wonderful and thoughtful gifts, especially as they are made with love. Much nicer than putting themselves in debt to buy unnecessary expensive gifts. All sorts of homemade gifts can be sewn, baked and crafted very easily so really, there is no excuse for turning up with nothing, especially when you expect to be given room and board. It's just manners, after all.

I stopped giving adult presents years ago, X has a very competitive family and it was all about size and cost not thought.
DD and SIL and I do not give presents although they bought me an Ebook last year as I was ill in bed and DD was sick of trying to find books to 'keep me quiet'.
I would love to see DS2 and his family over Christmas, at all actually, but know that will not happen.
Tears now, keep busy making a Shepherds outfit for DGS for Sunday School nativity play next week.

I think a small present wouldn't go amiss and I would certainly buy them presents for when you see them on Boxing Day. We are pensioners and always end up paying for our well paid children when we go out for meals! They sometimes half heartedly offer, but don't insist! I think it's just the child/parent relationship. I agree it is slightly annoying when you know they have an active social life and spend money on things that we wouldn't necessarily do and then cry the poor tale! We usually have a laugh about it though.

Rise above it Scousegirl. I think this generation are often busy, stressed ,selfish and thoughless at times. Even though you are hurt it matters hugely that they are coming to see you . Buy each one a LITTLE but meaningful and beautifully wrapped gift and say nothing. Make their visit fun and enjoyable and decide you and hubby are going to be happy so that they will want to return and not feel your resentment...though I do understand how you're feeling. In the past if I've felt a bit put upon with my lot I've said nowt and amazingly they seem to later make amends off their own bat. They are sometimes struggling with life themselves and don't tell you about that for fear of worrying you. Enjoy Boxing Day !

Remember to leave their inheritance to the cats' home.

Don't be upset....you might not know the whole story. If you wish to buy them a present I suggest you buy, on their behalf, two places for Crisis at Christmas. It is a wonderful charity that does a lot of work for the homeless who live on the streets. Print out the email you will get and put it in their Christmas card.

grannyglasses

Re reading the OP I quite agree with Scousegirl. Its a matter of prioritising. Finding the money for attending the stag weekend and wedding of friends as well as their social life of weekends away really does make them sound self absorbed and selfish. This is thoughtless behaviour. They've put the poor OP at the bottom of their list of priorities. I don't mean to make poor Scousegirl feel worse, just justified in her feeling unappreciated which is rotten.
bags btw you really are sounding smug!!

I have no interest in people buying presents, they are not important, my favourite part of Christmas is getting my family together for a nice meal as they all live far away.
I feel your family has been through a bad year and it's a valid enough reason for not giving. However, whether it was family or not I would never not bring a bottle or chocolates as a sign appreciation for the work on your part.

I think throw-away comments are often made in the spur of the moment and are not actually thought through, so perhaps the mention of Christmas presents just caught DS on the hoof and if he is anything like many men I know, present buying is not something he relishes, so perhaps he just said it without actually having made a conscious decision with DIL about it? I would do as you want to do and if they do arrive empty-handed then you will know for next year and can perhaps pre-empt it in good time with an agreement that presents are now off limits and time together is what matters. Please enjoy your time together - we none of us know what is round the corner (sorry for cliché).

Never mind all the platitudes, they could surely afford a small gift which obviously means a lot. Make sure you spend any inheritance they may have expected is my advice

To be honest I think that spending time with loved ones is more important than gifts (although I agree that a token present would be nice). So many people don't see their families from one year to the other therefore I think you should be happy that your DS will be with you on Boxing Day and staying over. I often see comments about younger people spending money on trips etc but - certainly in my family- many of them want experiences such as weekends away or possessions such as designer handbags rather than save . My own DS was pleading poverty a few weeks ago but is away to Prague this weekend!!

I don't understand this idea of 'adults' that some people keep mentioning. Does that imply you don't buy a Christmas present for your children once they hit adulthood?

This is completely alien to me!!

just a small token at Christmas is appreciated but to make excuses is not good we all know Christmas comes round every year so there's no excuse for not being prepared I make sure I always buy for my nearest and dearest
I'm afraid they'd have a scant meal on boxing day accompanied by the words well you know how tight money is

Yes, I think it's the way they are prioritising that's hurtful. Sadly I think it's the way of that generation. I'm not sure why, and it is a generalisation but younger people do put much greater store on friends it seems, than we ever did at that age. They also have a lifestyle that won't be curtailed for anything and if they can't keep all of that up, they consider themselves poor. I don't know the answer....maybe give them presents anyway if you want to. It's enjoyable todo that and no one should stop you but on the whole I wouldn't take it personally, even though it feels it at the moment. Sign of the times I fear.

I wouldn't worry about it. Some people find it a bit difficult to think of what to buy, don't have the time, or just find Christmas a bit of a chore. I have 4 siblings and we all decided in our 20s to stop doing presents and just chill out at Christmas and spend time together. So much easier!

I haven't bought for adults for years now. If they have god jobs they can buy what they want when they want it. Unless you were planning to go in for something really flash what's the point.

If they aren't buying presents then they aren't. and to be fair to all you won't be getting one either.

What sort of chocs would make you feel better, posh ones, Poundland ones ?

If they are coming over the holidays then that is lovely, be pleased to see them and don't let yourself be upset by a pointless ritual that inflicts worry on many at this time of year.

You can look upon the back operation, which I hope has been successful, partly as your present, who wouldnt forgo a box of chocs in such a good cause.