No presents this year from my ds and dil

Christmas isnt all about presents! at least your family are visting over xmas be grateful for that! Some of us dont have anyone at this time of the year!

FGS, the OP is hoping for a box of chocs, not a golden egg! Telling her to get real and stop moaning, and calling her post judgemental (pot, kettle?) is over the top as well as unkind.

Sorry bags but that does sound a trifle smug, and not likely to help those who do feel 'hurt'. It's not an emotion that we always have under control.

I'll admit to being hurt by things that have been said or done by my 'children' - can't help that feeling, though I don't let it show,

Perhaps that's a failing on my part or perhaps you might see it as such.

I think easily hurt or constantly worrying parents is a huge and unfair burden to place on offspring.

And the partner of the DD who has one comes from a family like that as well.

I don't think I've ever felt hurt by my offspring. They are not saints and neither am I but we trust each other and, I suppose, assume good faith in all our dealings.

That isn't meant to sound smug. It's like that because that's what my kids' fathers and I have taught them!

And because, being the lovely people they are [OK, insert smug emoji in here], they've learnt it deep into their being.

The OP reports that they have an active social life. We do not know what they spend on their social life. It's possible to have an active social life without spending a lot of money.

I don't think it's at all unreasonable for an adult offspring to tell to his parents that he and his partner don't want to spend money on gifts at xmas but that they're looking forward to visiting the Aged Ps on Boxing Day.

I think the opening post is very judgmental.

True dat (as the young people say!)

Exactly mumofmadboys

I agree with all you say bags but if this couple have an active social life I don't think it is too much to expect them to bring chocs or flowers or a bottle. I expect they will. Presumably son meant they weren't spending twenty or thirty pounds on each present. I agree Christmas should be about giving and not receiving but as mums we can get hurt easily!!!

I agree completely with the feeling appreciated thing, momb. I have that appreciation from my daughters and it is certainly a precious gift.

You are also right that it's what the gift represents that's important. So how about people whose kids visit them regard the visit as the gift of appreciation?

Changes of mindset are not easy but I think such a change might help people in the OP's position.

Christmas is surely about giving and not receiving, though? My lot are quite happy not to receive gifts this year (money being used for presents being redirected to food and children's gifts at Foodbank). I honestly couldn't care less about not receiving anything for Christmas - really! It's the first year that I've not felt the commercial and financial pressure of buying what for whom.

I do understand how OP feels. The gift itself doesn't really matter. It is what it represents. You want to feel your kids care for and love you and happily go to buy something to please you. It is perhaps more to do with self esteem .As parents we have done SO much for our kids and it is nice to feel appreciated.

Being very tight for money myself, although on the face of things, people probably think we are rolling (we own a business which appears to be successful) I can see both sides. They may well be apparently well off, but have financial issues they want to resolve. Having said that, a token gift would not kill them. I will be giving to friends and family, but have adjusted the budget for adults and explained. They all understand, not so hard

Fear not! I'm done.

<Bags buggers off>

I reckon it's this kind of expectation-charged touchiness that makes xmas fun go wrong in so many families. What should just be pleasant family time, regardless of gift-giving, turns into something sour because people start out with soured feelings.

I honestly think this sort of complaint is a sign of looking for something to feel hurt about. Touchiness, in other words. I'm guilty of it myself sometimes (though not with regard to my offspring or about xmas gifts), so I recognise it when I see it.

I know kids expect presents, but adults? Get real.

Seriously, I think a visit and stay over from offspring is worth much more than any box of chocs.

When did it become normal to 'expect' gifts at Christmas? I thought Christmas was supposed to be about giving, not taking.

Your son and dil are giving you time. Stop moaning.

for a number of years when girls were little and money was tight, we made presents for family and friends, perhaps a suggestion that as money is tight 'for everyone' you thought this year, something simple, fun and handmade would be best. they could even paint their own money box if you bought them a kit, hobbycraft have money banks in all shapes, and only £3 www.hobbycraft.co.uk/advancedsearchresults.aspx?filter=ProdType~Paint+Your+Own+Money+Box+Kit/&query=moneybank&followsearch=8338

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest, it isn't as though they have forgotten, he has explained to you why they wont be buying anything.

When my DH was diagnosed with his illness and had to give up work pretty much right away as he had struggled on until he was almost dead on his feet I told " Friends" that we wouldn't bother this year. I lost alot of so called Friends at that time as they were miffed, some of them even said " Well we have already bought your present!!", we are not talking diamonds here btw, just a tin of biccies or something. I thought it was awful that they so obviously only give to receive. I would never do that.

Works both ways though, finding out who the really good people are
Our lovely neighbour turned up at the door, and handed us a brown envelope. I looked puzzled. She gave us both a hug and said " You may or may not need that, but I have been in your situation and I know how it is, for one thing you are both in shock, keep it for now, give it back when you can" and she left quickly.

We looked inside to find £1000!!! I think I had said on another thread that I don't cry, but I did then, I could not believe her kindness, and in case you are all wondering. Yes of course she got it all back, wouldn't take any extra so flowers were the order of the day.
There are some TRULY good People out there, not many I think, but we are blessed with this one

We dont buy for anyone over 18 in our family. I dont really see the problem, a lot of people buy, buy, buy at Christmas and get themselves into debt, your son is being sensible. They are giving you their time and coming to see you, just be happy with that as a lot a people have neither presents nor visits.

I'd be miffed if my son or daughter didn't buy me a present. Even when times were hard for them they managed to buy a token present. After all, times were hard often when they were children but we managed somehow.

I'd buy them something that you'd like for yourself, just in case. Then if they do turn up with a present you'll have a little something to give and if not then you'll have it for yourself.

I agree with everthankful .though I might add I'd also not wish to embarass them by giving them something when they have nothing to give in return.

"Bit of a stretch"

I would say "oh , I'm so pleased, we are feeling the pinch too, so we'll not bother with presents either. with only pensions to live on, it's getting a bit stretch for our finances