Difficult situation with family member...

Horrible to read of posters' friends and relatives being hoodwinked by unscrupulous 'helpful, friendly' people. What would be the result of discreet enquiries to local police? Are they able to indicate whether people have previously come to their notice?
I guess the best step is to be there as much as possible, at random times, in their face, but this is not pleasant for OP and could irritate the cousin she is trying to support.

I had a Problem with my daughter, very simillar. A neighbour started helping her and over the years completely took over despite the fact she had carers etc. She started to turn her against me and her carers and it was a vey difficult time for us Anyway she bought from my daughter her brand new new Apple tablet which had cost about £300, she paid £10 for it telling my daughter it was second hand with no value! my daughter is deemed to have mental capicity for making decisions but all the same she is vunerable. The polce were called,, not by my daughtt, and after meetng with her and she put in a complaint about her neighbour. The neighbour had a visit from the police and all is well now. The problem is some people,like my daughter, are easy prey they just love it when somene "befriends" them. Suggest you contact the local police and rhe will probably send a communiity police officer to thave a chat with your cousin.

How about placing a couple of hidden cameras so you could keep a discrete eye on things?

It does hinge on this concept of mental capacity to make their own judgements.

I have a daughter with a personality disorder, she's sometimes been classified as schizophrenic and lives on benefits. She had a very manipulative boyfriend for a while and I know that she used to give him money and cook his meals. He also persuaded her to give him some of her few valuables (computer etc.) to sell. Fortunately she isn't with him now, though he is still around.

Her social worker was not allowed to discuss what was happening to her with me, though I am really her next of kin, because she is an adult. Now she no longer has a social worker as she is deemed to be living independently and coping OK - we bought her a flat and help her to manage the bills, paying her fuel bills which she repays in £10 chunks when she remembers. We also deal with the flat management charges in the same way, and ensure that money is put into her account every month so that she can pay the council tax. The intention is that she learns better how to budget so that when we are no longer around she can cope by herself.

She did once take me with her to meet her psychiatrist, so they might still know that I exist, though since the staff change so often there may be no record of me.

Every now and again she has a psychotic episode and falls out with us, eventually getting in touch again as though nothing has happened when she needs money for something.

It is very difficult to help or to get people to agree to "let you in" as you put it. We don't want to interfere too much in her life and want her to be able to cope on her own, but there are so many unscrupulous people out there.

A word about PoA, its a great idea and so easy to do online. You will have to get his permission to apply for it and I also had a letter from daughters doctor to say that though she had mental capacity she needed help with her financial affairs. This will mean you will be able to access and keep an eye on his bank accounts but as he has capacity you will not be able to anything without his permission, even with PoA. It took about 6 months so as I said before go down the route of the police, they were so helpful and good with her even advising her about keeping her bank details safe etc. Goodd luck nd dont let he get away with it

Yes my daughters social worker won't discuss anything with me even though I am next of kin and have far more contact with her then they ever do.

Can I just add - general point - that it remains useful to place your concerns on file with social workers, GPs, mental health workers etc.
The fact that they cannot discuss it with you does not mean they are taking no notice. In fact it can be useful in evidence gathering

When my DH's elderly aunt broke her hip following a lot of difficult events the rest of the family disappeared off the face of the earth, she was left with her dubious cleaner and partner. She was unable to return home or look after herself properly at that time. We took the opportunity then to broach POA which she agreed to. We don't interfere in her life nor have we taken over the running of it in her place but it does give us the legal right to have a say in what happens to her, to keep an eye on her finances and to check that everything is done in her best interests, we also ensure that her life now is as fulfilling as it can be. Needless to say the cleaner hasn't been seen since although she is still a beneficiary in Aunt's will. We do expect family to make an appearance when that is read at a later date, so my record keeping is immaculate!

This is a safe guarding issue which needs to be addressed with the Social Worker, Local Authority and any other organisations he is involved with.
You should do this Verbally and in writing ASAP. Your cousin is a vulnerable adults.

I agree with the comments about PoA. My parents were against the idea but I did one for myself too so they agreed. I wish you luck with this difficult situation

I had an uncle. Who became very vulnerable in later life. I was taking care of him and making sure his bills were paid on time. I suddenly became very suspicious of a couple who I never saw but told him they wanted to "help" him.He was happy with the attention he thought he was getting from the woman. To cut a long story short he stupidly let her take him to the bank where he signed to give her third party mandate to his bank account. Within 10 days they'd cleared him out.
The police could do nothing about it as he'd signed to agree to the third party mandate.
The couple were very well known to the police but they hadn't broken the law!!
It made me very suspicious of people.

This happens all to often to vulnerable people living alone. Sadly having friends gives so much comfort that being taken advantage of does not seem too important to the person until of course everything has been lost.

There is much more information in the USA. this man has made a study of undue influence.

Undue Influence Worksheets for Police, APS, and Probate Investigators
Bennett Blum, M.D., Forensic and Geriatric Psychiatry, Tel. 520-750-8868; Internet: www.bennettblummd.com

You may want to print off these work sheets and start keeping a record of your visits and think back over past visits. The case you are making will go to the Safeguarding team of the authority for which the social worker works.

Once they are involved they will look into the transactions this couple are making. It would be terrible if they managed to gain ownership of your relatives house though their subterfuge.

You can always ring age concern about safeguarding if you want to discuss it with someone first.

I had a similar thing to this when my dad was left on his own. Suddenly a neighbour who had never before spoken to any of us made himself indispensable to my dad. My brothers thought he was marvellous but I had a bad feeling about it. I was right. He was drawing 300 pounds a day out of my dad's account. The bank alerted us by sending a letter to my dad re irregular activity which quite by chance I opened. My advice would be to trust your instincts regardless of what anyone else says.

Very interesting that you said that he can be manipulative, gettingonabit.
You mentioned that he had received a lot of attention whilst growing up, mollycoddled by his Mum. With that in mind, is there any chance that he may be attention seeking??
The only reason that I mention this is because I have a half brother with mental heath problems. Our Mother doted on him pandering to his every need. Despite his mental health problems, he was very adept at manipulating our Mum but she could not see it at all. He even 'phoned her one day to say that he had been stabbed. Mum was distraught. I checked with his CPN to find that it was all a lie as I had suspected all along. Our Mum developed Cancer which was terminal. My half brother visited Mum in the hospital just a few days before she died to ask for money, and yes, dear Mum gave him the only money that she had with her.
I have never forgiven him.

does he live in cornwall by any chance?! My mum was 'befriended' by a couple who supposedly had their own charitable organisation, helping the vulnerable elderly in their town. They robbed my mum blind, took everything. Because I live at the opposite side of the country, I had no idea what was going on. I informed the police who suspected, interviewed and investigated, but could find no provable evidence. The case was dropped. Unfortunately some people cannot be trusted and commit the most heartless crimes.

Regarding lasting power of attorney, you do need the person's consent but you do not need a solicitor. You can download the forms from the Office of the Public Guardian or you can buy a pack from WH Smith. There is both Health and Financial. Not sure if the Health one is as important as medical decisions come down to the doctor in attendance. When you send off the form , you pay a fee to the O P G, and they process it.
You could talk to the persons G P and social worker. They cannot discuss the case with you but you can raise concerns to them which might alert them to a problem. I think sometimes doctors are slower to pick things up with men, tending to label them as eccentric rather than suffering from early dementia.
And definitely think about a bit of surveillance. These people may be feeding your relative with distrust towards you.

From what you describe, I am reminded of musical genius, songwriter Brian Wilson (Beach Boys). Wilson's story is an extreme, but it illustrates how 'dependent' adults with special needs can be vulnerable to unscrupulous predators.
Like others here, I too would advise you to consult an Elder care Attorney (solicitor) about obtaining either a Power of Attorney or a Legal Guardianship on your cousin's behalf (don't know if legal instruments in the UK are similar to US, or what they are called). If someone is taking advantage, he's very lucky to have someone like you who genuinely cares.
May I point out also that a social worker is not really qualified to provide the kind of legal expertise you need. A good solicitor will tell you what steps to take against any possible mischief and how best to protect your cousin's financial assets going forward. Best of luck with this and do let us know how things turn out.

1974 yes, he's attention seeking; always has been. Sounds very much like your situation-mollycoddled, pandered to, always the centre of attention. However although he can be manipulative, I don't believe him to be a nasty person. He can be quite kind, albeit in a rather self-absorbed way.

What he DOES do is create illnesses. Or I think he does, at least. He's worked out that he gets lots of attention and sympathy if he has something wrong with him. To be fair, he does have things wrong with him, which deserve sympathy. He has no bladder function, for example, and uses a bag.

So, if our other cousin, who is older, gets something wrong, dcousin has to have it too, only worse. Trouble is, he forgets about it, then invents something else, like suspected bowel cancer. He gets the tests, which prove negative, then he moves on to something else. He's in the Doctor's practically every day, and is constantly having tests, quite often privately. His mother had pernicious anaemia, which is deadly if untreated, so, a while back, he had tests for this too, which according to him proved positive. However he hasn't mentioned it since, strangely.

His latest thing is artery problems. His dad died at 55 of a heart attack, so my cousin has had numerous tests, some quite invasive, to prove that, actually there's nothing wrong with his arteries. All these illnesses, whether real or imaginary, create opportunities for him to seek-and get-attention.

However despite his concerns for his health, he has no interest in self-help strategies such as exercise or healthy eating. He's only interested in pills and tests; ie attention-seeking opportunities. Nothing dramatic, but I DO sometimes suspect that the "stealing" could actually be another cry for attention. I feel awful thinking that.

If you are genuinely willing to take action then buy a web cam and arrange to have it installedd in his house and learn how to monitor it.

Then you will know for sure what kind of relationship is developing between your cousin and this couple and can speak to the police about it.

If you are not prepared to do this, then just mention your suspicions to the social worker and step away.

There is little to be gained from worrying but not being prepared to take a positive steps towards securing proof of your concerns.

pauline I'm prepared to do what it takes to get to the bottom of what's going on, yes. But my cousin says he fears the repercussions. Or maybe he doesn't want to lose the attention. In any event, I think the suggestions have been good ones and I don't intend to let the matter drop yet.

If I can't get my cousin on board then yes, I'll step away.

I hope you don't mind me bumping this thread. Firstly, I'd like to thank you all for your insights on this situation. I'm just posting a quick update.

I wrote to my cousin's social worker with my concerns. She contacted me by phone and we had a long and useful chat about my cousin. She's as exasperated as me, and is going to review his capacity to make decisions. She feels, however, that he is capable of dealing with his own financial affairs, so will not require PoA. Additionally, she has asked the local Pcso to call in to see my cousin once in a while.

I am much happier now. Thank you once again for your input - much appreciated.

I wonder if anyone can advise me on what I can do with my situation. My elderly mother in her 80s is currently in hospital for over 4 months now. One of my sisters is living with mum rent free, doesn't work or claim benefits. She has had mums bank card and full access to mums account for a number of years. I and other members of family have tried to get her to claim benefits and could even claim for looking after mum too. She's not even on the rent book, is a ghost. Last week the hospital appointed a social worker for mum because mum needs to go into nursing home. My sister has done everything to stop this happening even verbally abuse the social worker. Myself and 4 other siblings have took over without my sisters knowing because mum asked us to. So my brother and I went to mums and asked for mums bank card she reluctantly gave it us. But wouldn't give us bank statement. I'm in process of filling forms out to get mum into care home. My mum is now asking me to give the card back to my sister because she has no money for food etc. My sister goes to pub every night and smokes . I'm currently stalling giving back bank card , I have spoken to mums social worker about the situation and because mum gave the card willingly can't put safeguard in for mum. I think mum is vulnerable and needs protection. Don't know where to turn to for help. My sister for whatever reason won't sign on for benefits or get name on rent book. Technically if mum was to die suddenly my sister would become homeless. And that makes me feel guilty. I'm 1 of 7 siblings and nobody wants to help me. Mum won't have anymore money going into her account, so if I was to give mums card back to my sister the money left would just disappear. That's not fair to mum. My father controlled mum for over 50 years. He passed away 12 years ago. Please help, this is causing me extreme distress.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this difficult situation Jppw. Do you know if social services have spoken to your mum regarding capacity, what I mean is are they happy that she has capacity and is able to make important decisions for herself?

You could express your concern that her capacity is questionable and that that is being taken advantage of by your sister.

We had a similar experience in our family and unfortunately the one who was being financially abusive, had power of attorney so there was nothing we could do, so I totally understand the distress this is causing.

Is your mum in rented accommodation? If so, your sister will find herself homeless if your mum needs to go into care which at her age, having already been in hospital for 4 months, may be something that needs to be considered.

I'm sorry that I have no advice to offer apart from contacting social services again and also citizen's advice. Unfortunately stalling regarding giving your sister back the bank card is a short term measure, but the longer you can do so the better.

You could continue to do this if you also have access to your mum's account via the card, and draw out cash for your sister as and when, which would at least give you a degree of control.

Your sister is an adult and responsible for her own living arrangements and finances, so while I understand your concern that she could find herself homeless and the guilt you would feel (been there and know what that's like), it's your mum who is vulnerable here and needs to be protected.

Jppwj - can I suggest that you copy and paste your question into a new post. The original post is 6 years old and a lot of people will ignore it and so you may not get much response.