Need help

It's time to mind your own affairs. DiLs health is not your affair, if she wanted your involvement you would have been informed.

Sorry you're in this situation, Kartrush! All that worry, plus it hurts to feel as if you (general) are the "only one" left out of the loop. Please try to remember this is not about you - it's about DIL, who may/may not be ill and her right to privacy, and DS, who, after all, has his wife's concerns to think about.

Unfortunately, DIL seems to have made a big mistake in whom she did choose to tell (your niece and, perhaps, some of her own family) if she wanted to protect her privacy. Same if she and DS are just trying to protect you from worry (which may very well be), as some have suggested.

But, at this point, I agree, you would be wise to say something. I'm chiming in with those who say to approach DS - and to just say you've "heard rumors" and ask if they're true. Then, please, accept whatever he says, for now, and, above all, don't discuss it with anyone else. Please respect their privacy, even if others don't.

Wishing the best for DIL...

kartush what an awful situation, maybe you need to tell your son that you know his wife is ill and that are really worried and also upset that you had to find out 3rd hand. No doubt they didnt want to worry you

when I was young my father always told us not to worry my mother ...with anything really,boyfriend problems,health issues and even after I was married miscariages.I think the first time I "worried" her was when I had pre eclampsia and had to be hospitalised,sadly the baby only survived a few days and I diiscovered then that my mum wasn't great at support .She got herself into a real state .Dad was right ,we always went to him with problems,before and after that.Maybe your son thinks you wont cope or be too emotional to bbe any help.Whatever his reason,you have to respect his wish to keep it from you for now.I hope your family come throough this intact and well

Sorry to hear your dilemma, Sometimes someone does not want to cause you to worry unnecessarily which is why they keep it from you ...my step daughter was very quiet all summer one year ..but then she had told us she might go back packing (a bit old at the age then of 45 but as she was single it was up to her !) however, when we at last heard from her it turned out the only 'back packing' she had been doing was at the Royal Marsden where she had been being treated for breast cancer ,she didn't want to tell her dad as that was what his first wife died of and she thought he would be upset. Whilst we were horrified we had not known, we were relieved to hear the treatment had been so far successful and some years later (she is now 54) she seems fine ..has given up her job, sold her flat in Westminster and de-camped to the seaside to enjoy life as she put it ! Just before Christmas she rang to say she had some bad news and she wanted only to speak to me, not her dad ..so I was thinking the worst, but this time it concerned her current boyfriend who has been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer ,,the original prognosis was not good, but she did say he has now been offered some new treatment to start in the New Year so it is fingers crossed. The difficulty is she does not want to speak to her dad so I have to act as go between....\I tried to call several times over Christmas but never got an answer or the answerphone and no reply to e mails ! I told my husband I had tried calling but she may have gone to her boyfriend's family for the holidays .....

So this may be a similar case to your DiL ...if you are close to her, what about ringing with an invite to say lunch or both of them to dinner where you could perhaps broach the subject in a general way to see if you get a response ? Other than that I suppose you will just have to sit tight and hope someone will confide I you eventually ..but, as has been said here already, nowadays there is so much that can be done ..so take heart ! I am still here from a diagnosis and three chemo sessions starting inn 2007 ....my OH had skin cancer seven years ago ad he is now doing ok !

Fngers crossed for you and I hope perhaps when all is well, if not sooner, they will tell you and you can hopefully all rejoice at good news !

I have cancer and found it difficult to tell some people because at first I was quite emotional and so, if a person was very kind and sympathetic, this would cause me to cry! Now I only tell my daughters about how I am if they actually ask.

I would be inclined to speak to DS - say you've heard rumours & wondered if there's any truth, just let him know you're there if needed.

I am reluctant to tell DM if I have anything potentially serious until I have been fully diagnosed & know what treatment is required. We live 300 miles apart & she is nearly 87, I know she worries. I don't keep anything from DD though but we only live 10 miles apart.

On the other hand DM had to give up driving last June, she told DD when she visited in August & asked DD to tell me, she didn't want to worry me -as if I don't already worry about her (she lives on her own)

I had two patches of squamous cell carcinoma removed this summer. I didn't tell anyone that this was Bowen's disease because it is nothing to worry about.

If you were not informed because they wanted some privacy, going on to an internet site (albeit anonymously) and spreading it to all kind of proves their point. I hope DIL recovers swiftly.

I don't think you are deliberately being kept in the dark, you know it is hard for people to deal with, and they get tired of every conversation being about it. I hope it is something that can be cleared up easily and that she will be well.

I think if they choose to spare you the details that is them being kind and maintaining some power in a situation that must have made them feel powerless for a time.

Seems that you have good relationships with them so they will ask if they need help. Just wait and see what is needed.

I was one of those who find the need to talk , saying that I didn't want to talk about it all the time I didn't tell everyone every biopsy I had but kept family and close freinds involved with treatment but I knew some people who didn't tel anyone only people what needed to know . It's a personal choice but I do feel for you having heard gossip I think I would have quiet word with son tell him you are there for them but gossip is making you anxious best wishes ?

People do react differently. When my OH knew his PD diagnosis he wanted to tell nobody. I let it lie for a few months, then said that I could not cope with keeping this from our DDs - it felt so dishonest and they are such lovely caring people. In the end he agreed we would tell them. It took him a long time to open up to others. I found it very hard indeed, as I am very upfront; but it was his choice. Now everyone knows and they have all been very supportive and kind.

I would not take it personally Kartush- everyone reacts in different ways to these things.

When I got my diagnosis I told family members but one person said they needed to tell extended family and friends. I asked them not to do this as I needed to know how I was going to cope before involving wider family. People have different ways of coping, some like to talk others don't.

I think you have to respect your DIL and son's decisions they must be facing a very difficult time. I do hope that things get better

Maybe she feels you will worry about it and therefore be unhelpful as nothing seems set in stone it's just Chinese whispers if she wants to confide in you just be available and also it might be helpful to tell those taking it upon themselves to gossip to stop

Different family members approach these things in individual ways. Some like to share as it helps, and some prefer to be private. Don't blame them at a troubled time

What is your instinct, Kartush? What are your feelings? Only you will know how to speak to your family and I suspect you are seeking reassurance and perhaps suggestions of how to phrase what you say. This is a bombshell for you all, but if you are all there for each other in supporting your son and daughter in law, you will be able to show how you care. Whatever you do, do not let yourself feel annoyed that you weren't told first. Sometimes telling family is the hardest thing. When my Mum died suddenly just at the time we had heard that DH was seriously ill and needed a liver transplant, one fleeting thought I had was that at least I wouldn't be causing her more grief and worry. Is that weird?
I know I felt I had enough to cope with at the time.
Good luck, and especially to your DIL in her treatment.

Anya is your question relevant?

As so many people now seem to know then I would approach your son and tell him you have heard she is ill and offer to help if and when they need it.

I was once kept in the dark about a. friends serious illness because- well I don't know why- I think they thought I wouldn't cope maybe-I do know that it caused a rift. She couldn't be honest with me, I knew but couldn't be honest with her. We spent the last six moths of her life pretending. It still troubles me many years later. I wish I had let her know that I knew.

Some years ago DH was diagnosed with the Big C - he didn't intend to tell even me (did tell DS) but eventually he felt he should let me know, since when it was a trouble halved and he's been in remission now for several yeaars. We never did tell MIL, who would have worried and nagged. If it is something worrying, I'm sure they will let you know in due course. For now, pretend you've heard nothing.

With such a potentially serious condition, who told who etc etc is irrelevant. Put all that behind you and quietly speak to your dil telling her you are there for her and will always be available to her should she need you. Also make the same offer to your son as he too must be very worried and men are not good at talking as we all know.

I think that now so many other people know, you should ask your son quietly if it is true.Just that, nothing more, and be calm and positive, nobody wants their Mother acting dramatically [ not that you would do, I am sure.]Good luck.

Your dil's right to privacy supersedes your right to be involved. If they wanted you to know, they'd tell you. They might be very upset to hear about the way it is being gossiped about.

I agree with Monica you get to the stage where you do not want to worry your parents unless you really have to .