Need help

Your son has said it's nothing to worry about. Presumably had it been something to worry about you'd have been told.

I often find my son, or daughter or SiL or DiL has been ill after the event.

Problem is, it is cancer

Perhaps they were trying to protect you from worry over Christmas? Could you ring and say to your son you had heard A is ill

and can you do anything to help and see if he is forthcoming? Was the niece sworn to secrecy or are they letting the news slowly filter out? A lot of cancers are treatable now. If it was me I would ask. Hope it all turns out ok

So why didn't you say that it was cancer in your opening post?

Is it possibly Chinese whispers and putting two and two together to make five? Be direct with your son. Ask him if the rumours are true. That could also alert him to the possibility that the news is all round the neighbourhood.

I agree with mumomb. I really feel you are overthinking it.

I agree with Jane10 be open about it with your son Say there are lots of rumours flying around and you would like the truth. Are you naturally a worrier could it be that they are keeping you out of the loop in the hope of getting used to the news themselves or to protect you
I do think it's a mistake to tell some people and not others but ask your son outright and don't take it too personally that you weren't told at the start

Cancer isn't always life threatening try and stay positive

Perhaps they don't want you to worry. My DiL is very seriously ill. I'm never updated on her everyday treatment. I don't know from one day to the next what's going on. She wants to pretend everything is fine. She's found a place inside herself were she can contain all her emotions. We have no option but to respect that but it's very very hard. In someways it would be much easier to know what we're dealing with. It isn't that she doesn't care about our side of the family, quite the opposite she loves us but it's important to her that everything is kept as normal and ordinary as possible, mostly I think for the children's sake. Can you get your son on his own and ask? I've done this but I don't make a habit of it. I don't want him to feel overwhelmingly bombarded with questions. My last conversation about it a few months back was" just because we don't ask doesn't mean we don't worry and just because we worry doesn't mean you can't come to us" I hope your dil has a complete recovery. It's normal for you to worry and have a minefield of emotions but don't take not being told personally. It's not because they don't care about you and it's not because they don't value your love, they do. Have a quiet word with your son and respect how they need to handle this in the coming weeks or months. My heart truly goes out to you in this difficult time.

I never told my mother anything serious and worrying if I could avoid it as she was such a worrier and the burden of her worry could be too much to bear at time when I was already stressed.

Could this be you, Kartush?

I think you should say you have heard of her illness and offer to help if needed. Just give them an opening to talk about it if they want to. Don't over think it all, we all have different ways of dealing with illness. Let them know they have your support and then step back.
I hope your daughter in law makes a full recovery.

I agree with Monica you get to the stage where you do not want to worry your parents unless you really have to .

Your dil's right to privacy supersedes your right to be involved. If they wanted you to know, they'd tell you. They might be very upset to hear about the way it is being gossiped about.

I think that now so many other people know, you should ask your son quietly if it is true.Just that, nothing more, and be calm and positive, nobody wants their Mother acting dramatically [ not that you would do, I am sure.]Good luck.

With such a potentially serious condition, who told who etc etc is irrelevant. Put all that behind you and quietly speak to your dil telling her you are there for her and will always be available to her should she need you. Also make the same offer to your son as he too must be very worried and men are not good at talking as we all know.

Some years ago DH was diagnosed with the Big C - he didn't intend to tell even me (did tell DS) but eventually he felt he should let me know, since when it was a trouble halved and he's been in remission now for several yeaars. We never did tell MIL, who would have worried and nagged. If it is something worrying, I'm sure they will let you know in due course. For now, pretend you've heard nothing.

I was once kept in the dark about a. friends serious illness because- well I don't know why- I think they thought I wouldn't cope maybe-I do know that it caused a rift. She couldn't be honest with me, I knew but couldn't be honest with her. We spent the last six moths of her life pretending. It still troubles me many years later. I wish I had let her know that I knew.

As so many people now seem to know then I would approach your son and tell him you have heard she is ill and offer to help if and when they need it.

Anya is your question relevant?

What is your instinct, Kartush? What are your feelings? Only you will know how to speak to your family and I suspect you are seeking reassurance and perhaps suggestions of how to phrase what you say. This is a bombshell for you all, but if you are all there for each other in supporting your son and daughter in law, you will be able to show how you care. Whatever you do, do not let yourself feel annoyed that you weren't told first. Sometimes telling family is the hardest thing. When my Mum died suddenly just at the time we had heard that DH was seriously ill and needed a liver transplant, one fleeting thought I had was that at least I wouldn't be causing her more grief and worry. Is that weird?
I know I felt I had enough to cope with at the time.
Good luck, and especially to your DIL in her treatment.

Different family members approach these things in individual ways. Some like to share as it helps, and some prefer to be private. Don't blame them at a troubled time

Maybe she feels you will worry about it and therefore be unhelpful as nothing seems set in stone it's just Chinese whispers if she wants to confide in you just be available and also it might be helpful to tell those taking it upon themselves to gossip to stop

I think you have to respect your DIL and son's decisions they must be facing a very difficult time. I do hope that things get better

When I got my diagnosis I told family members but one person said they needed to tell extended family and friends. I asked them not to do this as I needed to know how I was going to cope before involving wider family. People have different ways of coping, some like to talk others don't.

People do react differently. When my OH knew his PD diagnosis he wanted to tell nobody. I let it lie for a few months, then said that I could not cope with keeping this from our DDs - it felt so dishonest and they are such lovely caring people. In the end he agreed we would tell them. It took him a long time to open up to others. I found it very hard indeed, as I am very upfront; but it was his choice. Now everyone knows and they have all been very supportive and kind.

I would not take it personally Kartush- everyone reacts in different ways to these things.