What a nasty spiteful cow...! Yes, me, that's who.

Someone famous (Gore Vidal?) said, 'Every time a friend succeeds, something inside me dies.'

I would think the feelings you describe are not that uncommon.
I can imagine that quite a few people would feel some degree of private jealousy/resentment if a friend or relative's child appears to be doing better, or is cleverer, or happier, or more successful, than your own.

Or if someone else's success makes you yearn for what might perhaps have been, but now never will be, since it's either too late, or you know it's just never going to happen.

Only since it's not done to admit it, hardly anyone ever does.

As long as you keep such feelings well hidden when necessary, glue a smile on and offer the usual congratulations, I don't think you should feel awful about it. Hard, though, when we are all so conditioned to believe that 'nice' people only ever think nice, kind, charitable thoughts.

You are not a cow, you're just human! I have felt jealous about the daftest things many times, and like you hated the fact that I felt like that. We can't control how we feel but we can control what we say. So give them your biggest smiles, and loveliest messages of congratulation you can. In a while the lad will be at uni and immersed in his studies and it won't be at the forefront of your mind any more.

I think as a nation we are often ready to commiserate with others when things go badly, but we find it hard to congratulate others' on their high achievements.

You sound very upset with yourself about this, Rowantree, which is understandable given your own childhood. Just be kind to yourself, accept it for what it is and try to move on.

I found this post really helpful as I had a horrible night of jealousy yesterday when our son sent his father a photo of grand-daughter enjoying the Christmas present I had searched for, bought and got to them beautifully wrapped but didn't bother to send me a copy with the same flick of the switch. We are together as parents but have separate computers and 'phones. Blamed myself for my horribleness all night but today wrote a note asking him to send me a copy as his father can't work out how to do it and I'm feeling Left Out!
Find gransnet puts so much in perspective - thankyou all wise women

If you love your nephew, just get in touch and say how wonderful, he deserves it, that is the right thing to do. Your depression must be making you feel like this, just recognise this but don't spoil things for the family. I would consider going to the doctors, you need to understand what is causing these feelings you experience. Good luck.

Venting our feelings is good! So your post on GN was a great idea. You could also try writing down all these feelings you are finding hard to deal with at the moment, then burning the pieces of paper and saying goodbye to the baggage. I had a lot of counselling when I was going through the menopause and it was like putting down a huge sack of problems and emotions that I had been struggling with. So I would really advise some counselling,as other posters have said. Please do not just go down the route of medication. Yes it can help, but it is not really the solution. it is hard to deal with the legacy of our parents, but as we know ourselves parenting is the hardest thing in the world. Our parents were not perfect and not so much was known in those days about the psychological effects of our upbringings. It has taken me many years to forgive my mum and understand where she was coming from. But I am getting there!

Rowantree You have a good handle on the issue... you were brought up to this and that's hard baggage to tote around. These are feelings, not a character trait. I have no doubt you are a lovely person and in all other ways are happy in yourself.

But it's not YOU. It's a set of feelings that rear up when you are faced with your past history concerning the impact of high-achievers on you. Empathy is hard to cultivate when you have unrealistic traits put on to you for a good part of your life.

My mother was an over-bearing critical bitter woman who projected this onto me by trying to belittle any of my 'normal' achievements. If I got a good mark, why didn't I get better at school?

I was not free of it till I put 3000 miles between us. After several years, I got over it. But in the end, she got PD and I was there for most of the remainder of her life. Nothing was so humbling as to see her brought down by it. She could not cope because of her personality. I was so glad I had been away and re-discovered true empathy. In the end... she knew she'd wasted her life.

Don't give anyone that power... be the person you know you truly are!

I sympathise completely and I can relate to your illness being a fellow sufferer. I have just binged in chocolate and ice cream because I'm feeling sh** today. ?

I can understand your feelings*Rowantree*, I had a school friend who was always regarded as the least smart amongst her sisters, she was the youngest & whilst away at College had a breakdown.

I do think we all have flashes of envy, sometimes irrational, but it usually passes or we cover it well.

I was on the receiving end of this whilst as a Mature Student, single parent with 7 year old daughter. I was doing well & proud of my achievements when a couple of my colleagues remarked that they felt I was "boasting" about my grades, I was very hurt as they were both married with families & had people at home to share their achievements with, my daughter was very proud of me but it's not the same

Send the card & wish him well, don't dwell on it or

I'm glad you posted a second time, Rowantree, because now you have got to the heart of the matter and I understand where you are coming from much better. I believe talking to someone would be a great help to you in putting things into perspective and helping with your depressions. Your GP will be able to refer you and please do consider this.
Remember academic intelligence means nothing without heart, soul, love and laughter in your life. If you have those things go to the very top of the class with a big smile.

that no-one has everything, and there are problems, worries and deficiencies in everyone's life.

A long time ago I remember experiencing professional envy of someone who seemed to have everything. Then it hit me p

If you are suffering from depression then you are experiencing feelings that you cannot control & you cannot blame yourself.It is not you but the illness speaking.
Send a card & don't beat yourself up about it. It is not YOU. If it is worrying you see your doctor - it may well be you need a slight change to your medication to help you.

I can't see that the boy would have done so well without an amazing aunt.............

It does smart sometimes especially when depression bites..........but life is swings and roundabouts.....

I echo Monica and add...happiness is not necessarily a good education! I never went to university but academia never interested me anyway. I find my happiness elsewhere!

I remember being 'graded' as a child by my mother, who occasionally set us intelligence tests: I always scored the lowest and was teased for it by my higher-scoring brothers.
Until I read this, Rowan, I was inclined to be unsympathetic. Now I can see that your mother set you up for a lifetime of feeling inadequate. I also feel that it isn't too late for you to seek counselling. I'm sure it has done you some good to be able to reveal you feelings safely in this forum, but a good counsellor would be able to help you to dump these emotions where they belong.

Everyone has thoughts which they themselves feel are 'unworthy' but which are all too human. Envy, jealousy, anger, bitterness, vengefulness and so on are universal. Sometimes they can be magnified by the insensitivity of others who rub salt in the wounds either accidentally or deliberately.

The important thing is how you deal with them. You have restrained your initial dismay, which is a mature act, and you should try to bring yourself to send a congratulations card and, in time, you will get over your first impressions.

Your own children have done incredibly well with their academic careers and, if they are happy, be content and take pride in them.

Sometimes these top flight places are a mixed blessing. We were all stricken when my DD was given an Oxford interview but didn't get in. A few years later we are delighted that she ended up where she did as she obtained a good degree and met a lovely partner she is still with. She recently admitted that the Oxford 'method' was not really for her and she might well have had a breakdown.

My DS was clever and went to a top grammar school but rebelled and did not achieve his academic potential and, after a 'mixed' career went to a middling university and got a middling degree. A few years on he has a better job than some of his Oxbridge friends and is happy and hard working.

I have learned that ambition is all well and good and is an excellent spur to achievement but that it is not sensible to let it set up expectations which can be disappointed.

You cannot guard totally against the ill nature of others. Some people are horrible and will rub your nose in it if they see you are suffering and withold praise and sympathy if you are doing well. That's their business.

You are in charge of your own happiness and it doesn't depend on others.

I reiterate: - your children sound awesome.

Sorry....I posted this before reading other posts. After reading your latest about your mother, and being a therapist by trade, I do think she has unwittingly caused a lot of damage. I think Elena is right too. I do urge you to seek some help. Think of it as an investment in yourself and your future.

Thank you for starting this thread Rowantree it has really made me think about myself and my continuous feelings of inadequacy . I have never achieved anything, never travelled anywhere particularly interesting, never had a career or a job I enjoyed etc.

I am not jealous of "things" big houses, fancy cars etc. but admit to feelings of jealously of freedom (if that makes sense) . Freedom to choose what you want to do not what you have to do, freedom to go where you want, if you want and freedom to say a big fat NO if I really don't want to do something.

I think you are brave to share this Rowentree. I think it is very normal to have these feelings, but as you share, and others have posted, it is what is being triggered in you that needs thinking about.

In one way, going to a prestigious school or university is meaningless. It is what one does with the opportunity that counts. And as for 'achievement'. How do you measure it? To my way of thinking, there are children out there who may have achieved in different ways, perhaps without the material or other advantages your nephew may have had. In the end, it's just a piece of paper.

I think therapy may help you to deal with the triggers that sparked this in the first place.
Good luck.

My post was X posted with yours, Rowantree.

It sounds like you do have insight and understanding.

The 'grading' your mother gave you was cruel and unkind, and it's not at all surprising this has affected you even now.

One thing sometimes explored in counselling/therapy is the notion of our own parents being cruel. One school of thought says that we resist this. Our psyche cannot bear to think of our parents being cruel - so instead we start to think we are somehow undeserving of kindness. Of course that is irrational, but the feeling remains, and the anger and anxiety it engenders comes out in resentment and, yes, jealousy towards others.

Good morning Rowantree. I've been pondering since your first post because I admit I didn't really get what it was that you were envious of. Can I ask, is it just academic achievement or other stuff as well? I do understand envy but not of this particular thing.

Jealousy is often a reflection of feelings of anxiety about oneself - as previous posters have said.

It might be common to feel like this, but that doesn't mean it's something 'normal', still less acceptable.

Insight into why jealousy arises can help - probably to do with childhood, experiences, one's own parenting - and as adults, we can be responsible for challenging and changing our reactions.

It's perfectly possible to be delighted for someone else's success and happiness, once the negative stuff has been explored, understood and put in its place.

Thanks all for your honest responses.
If I could 'snap out of' how I feel, believe me, I would have, long ago - I honestly don't choose to feel like this. I do have a card ready to send and I will send it tomorrow. I won't let this sour my relationships with my family; my biggest fear is that my failings, feelings or reactions will harm others, so I strive, always, for that not to happen. But it's like draining the sea with a sieve sometimes.
I do count my blessings, far more than I used to: I can now appreciate what I have and I am glad of it and of simple pleasures. I have a roof over my head, food to eat and a lovely little family who are the world to me. I don't live in a war-torn nation. In all those things and more, I know I am lucky.
However, some things get to the core of who I am, which is inadequate and not good enough. I remember being 'graded' as a child by my mother, who occasionally set us intelligence tests: I always scored the lowest and was teased for it by my higher-scoring brothers. Just one example, and I can't blame everything on that - there comes a time when you have to take responsibility for yourself and accept who you are - but the attitude I grew up with has helped to shape who I am now, as happens with everybody to an extent.
Irrational though I know it is, I feel it for myself as well as my daughters when I hear of the (particularly academic) success of other family members, though I KNOW it isn't true (of them, at any rate!). I think I will always have these feelings, so I need to find ways of sitting with them and accepting them, but I find it unspeakably difficult and painful to accept that this is who I am, without despising myself completely, when I value kindness and compassion to others so highly.

LOVE the WTP quote, Stansgran!

You are very brave to admit to these feelings. I don't believe there's anyone who's never felt a bit like that and had to paste on a smile and offer good wishes.

I love your quote Stansgran so much that I'm going to copy it and email it to myself.

Very apt, very clever and very true!!!