What a nasty spiteful cow...! Yes, me, that's who.

Jealousy is a natural emotion within us all to some degree, just like every other emotion. But it is up to us how we deal with it. I am no expert and I'm sure there are a few professional on the forum who might help.

If I ever feel the tinged of envy I try to remind myself of the good things that I have. Your nephew may be very bright, have worked hard to gain his place and will have hard work ahead of him.

You feelings are perfectly normal just keep them from the family. Sorry I can't offer advice. Sometimes we have to suck stuff up.

Perhaps if your sister always does better in life than you do, it has caused these feelings.Did your DC not go to good universities, and you feel resentment?Envy is normal but not to be nursed, try and stamp on it, your nephew has done well.
At the very least, send congratulations.

Your feelings are entirely natural and you are very brave to share them.I think you might be being helpful to others.

I come from a family achievers and I am most definitely not a high achiever and neither are my DC.
But I have ways sent cards of congratulations and always given praise.
It is hard as there is the 'if only'.
But remind myself that I have had 35yrs of happy marriage.
None of the high achievers have managed this, so there has been a cost to pay.
I am immensely proud of my children
And I love all my family, high achievers included.
I do understand where you are coming from.
It is perhaps the fact that your nephews achievement has underlined some 'if only' in your life.
Bit like rubbing salt in to wound.

Congratulate yourself on recognising how you feel and facing it head on.
You IMO have been very brave.

I know how horrible these feelings are, Rowan. Unfortunately, you are the only one who is being hurt by them and if you let on to your sister, you will be hurt even more. Take a deep breathe and send congratulations to your nephew. Then stand back and let them get on with the celebrations. After a while you feel better and perhaps be able to understand why this good news set off such negative feelings in you.
It's a very fortunate person who does not suffer from jealousy at some time in their life and it's a bugger to overcome. Good luck ?

I think that's a natural reaction if you and your children have not had the same sort of success. A bit like someone who cant have children expected to congratulate a pregnant sister (I know an example of that). A bit tactless of your SiL to crow about it, but again entirely natural and she needs to share the news with someone and who else except family?
If you can manage to send a card or text saying congratulations, well done or that sort of thing it would be easier than speaking to them I think. By the time you see them your and their feelings might have moderated a bit. We are all human and cant always help our emotions!

Envy is normal - we all have to deal with it at one time or another and for different reasons. So do not beat yourself up - that helps no-one. Least of all you.

But you do have to find a strategy for dealing with this, so, when you have stopped feeling bad about it, it is time to think it through.

You cannot ignore this lad's success, not can you say nowt. Perhaps you should send your congratulations in a way that is not face to face - email, card etc. - then when you are feeling a bit less emotional you will be able to face him and your SIL. Give yourself some time.

"Nor"

No not nasty or spiteful, it's just part of feeling low with your depression.
Wish him well with a card or email message. We all have feelings of which we are secretly ashamed, you are not alone. Please get some help for your depression so you can enjoy life again

You re brave to admit it we all have feelings we wish we didn't and I guess we all at times have to swallow stuff and smile and say well done it surely happens in many families including mine Don't beat yourself up I personally think you are quite normal you don't mean the boy any harm I m sure just needed really needed for things to be a bit evened up
I think you just have to be a bit of an actress and do the congratulations stuff then go have a shower and cry with the flowing water until you feel better get it out your system ?

I feel like this sometimes. Honestly jealousy/envy is completely normal. The people who have the problem are those that don't recognise these feelings. We do and deal with them. I just hide the fact I feel like this. They do make me feel horrible and sometimes bad tempered. Thanks for your honesty it's made me feel better. Just don't let it eat you up. Ps I've been wondering where you'd got to Rowantree I've missed you. I always found you very empathetic and supportive. Here's a little (((hug)))

Thank you all so much. It's a relief to speak about it tbh - I thought I was getting over the jealousy of others thing, as I've felt much better recently, but it seems there are still challenges. It's true, I come from a family of high achievers: both my brothers went to Oxford and my mother made much of that (I went to teacher training college, which happened to be in Cambridge so she told people I was at Cambridge!!!)
Our daughters did well but didn't go to Oxbridge - though both got Masters degrees and the elder one has a Ph.D (despite that she's no ambitious high flyer - has a baby now and wants to spend special time enjoying him while she can, which is wonderful). I have always felt inadequate intellectually and in other ways, from early childhood, so yes, it does feel like having salt rubbed into my wounds! I have a congratulations card ready so I WILL send it, and I replied to my SIL. I know what I must do, and all your advice makes a lot of sense. I agree with all of it. I just hate feeling like this AGAIN, but...oh, well, I've done it before and I survived it, so I can do it again, I hope!
As to strategy....I have never managed to find one. I tend to want to run away from painful feelings, which I suspect isn't helpful, so I will try the crying-in-the-shower trick, BluBelle, buy a massive straw and suck very hard!

I feel this way at times about my sisters' children. They are very lucky and have had a wonderful happy supported childhood with loving Mum and Dad, and although not everything is perfect, I feel envious of them behalf of my children.I also know my 2 feel a bit envious themselves of their cousins, who have had such an easy life compared to mine.

Just bad choices on my part re their father, which has affected their lives a lot. I am still pleased for my niece/nephew when good things happen, just human nature to wish yours had it so good.

Just email or message him congrats for now. Don't beat yourself up about it, it's a normal feeling.

I too can be a bit spiteful when good things happen to people I don't like (not that this is the case here Rowantree ). I am guilty of having resentful thoughts. Human nature I think.

I have four siblings and eleven nieces and nephews. I've never felt jealous of any of them (not since I was two years old and my sister was born anyhow), not even the ones who went to prestigious universities, or even non-prestigious ones. Not boasting or being smug, I'm just surprised that such feelings are regarded as normal.

I don't think you're a nasty spiteful cow for having such feelings, rowantree, I'm just sorry that they're so hard to deal with and that they've made you ill.

I don't think it's love on my part that makes a difference, btw. I think I'd call it kinship, or maybe just self-respect. Plus, I think one can feel pleased for someone else and have feelings of inadequacy about one's own achievements.

I think it is not unusual to feel like this sometimes. I had a twinge of it a few weeks ago with my friend was talking about her children and grandchildren who seem to lead golden lives. But then I remember what she has to deal with in her own life - she is recently widowed and has a debilitating, life threatening illness - and that I love her dearly, and am very proud of what my own children have achieved in their lives, prestigious universities not withstanding, and I feel chastened. I'm sure, when you feel better, you will send a message of warm congratulations and feel better for it!

That's very sad for you Rowan , you're missing out on a lot of joy.

May I ask exactly what you're jealous about ? Is it the academic achievement? Or the freedom? Or a new chapter ?

Maybe if you can identify exactly what it is and then think about ways to mitigate it. It's never to late to learn , maybe not uni but some subject you're passionate about ? If it's travel - then maybe starting closer to home you can start travelling.

I hope you can find a solution - don't miss out on the joy of others success

We all have our own burdens. No need to be anxious about jealousy, it's normal.

Rowantree I had similar feelings with my nephew and niece who were both very studious and both went to Oxbridge. My Mil did not help when she went all coy about the excellent results my niece got.

My DS & DD were never good at applying themselves at school they just did enough to get by. DS did a masters degree in Physics with Astrophysics with and eventually after being sidetracked by musical theatre, choirs and orchestras he evetually finished his PHd. I was not at all sure he ever would. He did not go into academia and is a software engineer.

My DD has two BSc's she did not know what she really wanted to do after the first and went into a housing department for about two years. Then after a gap year travelling came back and started on a nursing course. She had by then worked out it was what she wanted and is now an ITU staff nurse.

I have reservations about this mad dash to get so many people into universities before they know what they really want to do as a career.

Our children should be allowed to do what they want to career wise and not be railroaded into something they have not openly chosen for themselves.

You're very honest Rowan not horrible or you wouldn't have come on here and said those things.

You could send a congrats card to wish him well. I'm sure they'd appreciate that.

I think the best thing to do is to accept these thoughts. They come from all the problems that caused your illness and your illness itself. The fact that you can write the post you did shows that you have the self knowledge to see the problem and inherent kindness to be made uncomfortable by them.

Accept them, take a deep breath and relax and then ignore them, they will always be there but to grow they need to be nurtured and you have the power not to nurture them. It will then be easier to write a congratulatory note and show pleasure, and, hopefully, gradually make that pleasure real.

Excellent and wise post, m0nica. Wish I'd thought of that.

Nice post monica . I think she is very honest to be able to admit to her feelings and I can say that I have had a twinge on occasion . It is about me not being in the position to help my children financially and others who have done then bragging about theirs `getting on` when they have had an enormous leg up as it were !