What a nasty spiteful cow...! Yes, me, that's who.

Yes Harrigran that was on my list. I can imagine how life would be so much better if you go to work each day doing something that you really enjoy. Something that makes a difference.

Success is not just getting a job but achieving the career that you have dreamed of.

And as the least intelligent person in my family I take hope from this:-

“Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully.
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit's clever."
"And he has Brain."
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit has Brain."
There was a long silence.
"I suppose," said Pooh, "that that's why he never understands anything.”
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

Good point Gillybob. And to Rowantree I have a SIL whose children have done well, but years ago at the same stage as your nephew had not done as well as ours and caused problems. Don't let it show and don't nourish it as Mûnica says.

I am interested to know how we mark success ?

Is it the nice fat pay packet?
That final salary pension?
The stress free lifestyle?
Having a career that you enjoy rather than a job you hate?
Having a big comfortable home?
Doing better than the next person?
Getting into the best university or seeing your children/grandchildren get into them?

I often feel completely inadequate, useless even and am genuinely interested to know how other people (honestly) mark success and why some of us are left feeling like failures?

Seacliff that's very close to me, different relative but same sort of story ...difficult isn't it I suppress the feelings and never show them, but there's a bit of a why her in my situation

Well done Rowan for admitting your feelings and knowing that it is a irrational way to feel. At least you wish you felt differently and want to work on this bit of you. I think it is a common feeling but perhaps few admit it so honestly. Coming from a family where academic success was important has probably made it more difficult for you. It sounds as if your own DC have done well themselves and your DD has successfully become a committed parent.That is something to celebrate. Accept your feelings and be gentle on yourself and send a card!

Interesting f77ms what do you mean by this " It is about me not being in the position to help my children financially and others who have done then bragging about theirs `getting on` when they have had an enormous leg up as it were"?

My goodness what a position to find yourself in, I hope you can get past this.
I have never felt like this, it sounds a scary place to be.

Snap out of things? I don't think that applies to the problems being discussed on this thread.

I dont know if you have counted your blessings before? And if that has helped in any way?

Occasionally, I start to think of what I have, and then start to think the what ifs, if say, the roof was taken away, or there were no clothes in the wardrobe or whatever.
Etc etc. It tends to help me snap out of things pretty quick.

It has taken me years to recognise sibling jealousy, my middle sister was on paper more successful than me, past exams I failed as a child, but somehow always tries to make me look small in company, yet when it is just us we are good friends, with similar interests and get on well.

Family relationships are complicated, but you are able to recognise your feelings so you can control your reaction and not cause hurt. Hope you are feeling better and more positive.

Your post makes sense to me monica and as someone who really has not experienced these feelings I was struggling to understand why rowan was feeling like this.
I do hope rowan that you can come to terms with this and genuinely celebrate the various successes of a your family members.

Nice post monica . I think she is very honest to be able to admit to her feelings and I can say that I have had a twinge on occasion . It is about me not being in the position to help my children financially and others who have done then bragging about theirs `getting on` when they have had an enormous leg up as it were !

Excellent and wise post, m0nica. Wish I'd thought of that.

I think the best thing to do is to accept these thoughts. They come from all the problems that caused your illness and your illness itself. The fact that you can write the post you did shows that you have the self knowledge to see the problem and inherent kindness to be made uncomfortable by them.

Accept them, take a deep breath and relax and then ignore them, they will always be there but to grow they need to be nurtured and you have the power not to nurture them. It will then be easier to write a congratulatory note and show pleasure, and, hopefully, gradually make that pleasure real.

You're very honest Rowan not horrible or you wouldn't have come on here and said those things.

You could send a congrats card to wish him well. I'm sure they'd appreciate that.

Rowantree I had similar feelings with my nephew and niece who were both very studious and both went to Oxbridge. My Mil did not help when she went all coy about the excellent results my niece got.

My DS & DD were never good at applying themselves at school they just did enough to get by. DS did a masters degree in Physics with Astrophysics with and eventually after being sidetracked by musical theatre, choirs and orchestras he evetually finished his PHd. I was not at all sure he ever would. He did not go into academia and is a software engineer.

My DD has two BSc's she did not know what she really wanted to do after the first and went into a housing department for about two years. Then after a gap year travelling came back and started on a nursing course. She had by then worked out it was what she wanted and is now an ITU staff nurse.

I have reservations about this mad dash to get so many people into universities before they know what they really want to do as a career.

Our children should be allowed to do what they want to career wise and not be railroaded into something they have not openly chosen for themselves.

We all have our own burdens. No need to be anxious about jealousy, it's normal.

That's very sad for you Rowan , you're missing out on a lot of joy.

May I ask exactly what you're jealous about ? Is it the academic achievement? Or the freedom? Or a new chapter ?

Maybe if you can identify exactly what it is and then think about ways to mitigate it. It's never to late to learn , maybe not uni but some subject you're passionate about ? If it's travel - then maybe starting closer to home you can start travelling.

I hope you can find a solution - don't miss out on the joy of others success

I think it is not unusual to feel like this sometimes. I had a twinge of it a few weeks ago with my friend was talking about her children and grandchildren who seem to lead golden lives. But then I remember what she has to deal with in her own life - she is recently widowed and has a debilitating, life threatening illness - and that I love her dearly, and am very proud of what my own children have achieved in their lives, prestigious universities not withstanding, and I feel chastened. I'm sure, when you feel better, you will send a message of warm congratulations and feel better for it!

I have four siblings and eleven nieces and nephews. I've never felt jealous of any of them (not since I was two years old and my sister was born anyhow), not even the ones who went to prestigious universities, or even non-prestigious ones. Not boasting or being smug, I'm just surprised that such feelings are regarded as normal.

I don't think you're a nasty spiteful cow for having such feelings, rowantree, I'm just sorry that they're so hard to deal with and that they've made you ill.

I don't think it's love on my part that makes a difference, btw. I think I'd call it kinship, or maybe just self-respect. Plus, I think one can feel pleased for someone else and have feelings of inadequacy about one's own achievements.

I too can be a bit spiteful when good things happen to people I don't like (not that this is the case here Rowantree ). I am guilty of having resentful thoughts. Human nature I think.

I feel this way at times about my sisters' children. They are very lucky and have had a wonderful happy supported childhood with loving Mum and Dad, and although not everything is perfect, I feel envious of them behalf of my children.I also know my 2 feel a bit envious themselves of their cousins, who have had such an easy life compared to mine.

Just bad choices on my part re their father, which has affected their lives a lot. I am still pleased for my niece/nephew when good things happen, just human nature to wish yours had it so good.

Just email or message him congrats for now. Don't beat yourself up about it, it's a normal feeling.

Thank you all so much. It's a relief to speak about it tbh - I thought I was getting over the jealousy of others thing, as I've felt much better recently, but it seems there are still challenges. It's true, I come from a family of high achievers: both my brothers went to Oxford and my mother made much of that (I went to teacher training college, which happened to be in Cambridge so she told people I was at Cambridge!!!)
Our daughters did well but didn't go to Oxbridge - though both got Masters degrees and the elder one has a Ph.D (despite that she's no ambitious high flyer - has a baby now and wants to spend special time enjoying him while she can, which is wonderful). I have always felt inadequate intellectually and in other ways, from early childhood, so yes, it does feel like having salt rubbed into my wounds! I have a congratulations card ready so I WILL send it, and I replied to my SIL. I know what I must do, and all your advice makes a lot of sense. I agree with all of it. I just hate feeling like this AGAIN, but...oh, well, I've done it before and I survived it, so I can do it again, I hope!
As to strategy....I have never managed to find one. I tend to want to run away from painful feelings, which I suspect isn't helpful, so I will try the crying-in-the-shower trick, BluBelle, buy a massive straw and suck very hard!