What a nasty spiteful cow...! Yes, me, that's who.

Your nephew would be delighted if you just emailed him or his parents who could pass it on, and say you are very proud of him. Make it your first step on the way to recovery! :-)

Going back to the topic. My GS has just had the results of his Mock A-Levels. All 'A's! So proud of him but he has been working so hard so he deserves the result.

I think it is selfish to be so upset because someone has done well, just because you have no confidence in yourself. There has to be a reason why you feel like that.

What happened as you were growing up? Did your teacher impress on you that you were not going to amount to anything, did any adult tell you you were worthless etc etc? Well let me tell you something. Every single one of us has some talent, you included. I am sure there is something you can excel in and I do not doubt it for a minute. Forget about the past that is history. Get mad and show them you are worth as much as anyone else. Do something you really love, be it art, gardening, pottery whatever and show the world what you are made of! You can do it, you know you can. Stop giving in to negative thoughts. Put an elastic band round your wrist and twang it every time you have one. Teach yourself to be positive about yourself. Why? BECAUSE YOU ARE WORTH IT!

frue I feel so sorry for you. I know exactly how you feel. Is it a natural thing for fathers to get all the credit for what you have done I wonder. Mine was away most of the time my children were growing up (he was married to his job) so I did most of the 'bringing up'. Now he often says something on the lines of 'we never had that problem when ours were growing up did we?' How he would know I fail to understand.
One Christmas I shopped for, paid for, and wrapped Christmas presents for all the children on his side of the family. We met the families at a Christmas service. I spotted him later talking to his nephew and went over to say we should give out the Christmas presents! Only to find he had slipped out with his nephew and transferred them himself. I was really cross I can tell you. Since that day I have handed the job over to him, after all if he wants the credit he can do the buying, wrapping etc himself.

She has been lucky enough to have been a great grandmother since she was 70.

If anyone said "I won't see my Great Grandchildren as adults" to me, my response would be ,'of course you won't, nobody does. Did your great grandmother live to see you grown up?'

I am unlikely to live to see any great grand children, our family have a history of marrying on the older side and having children late as well. IF DGD is as old as he mother when she has her first child I wouldl have to live to 102 to become a GGM

Well Rowantree, O think you may have hit the nail on the head. I certainly do have very close relationships with other family members. My 3 Dds, Dgs, DH , Sons in law and several very dear friends. Sadly , both my parents have died but that was another good relationship. I even enjoy spending time with my brother and sister in law ! Maybe it is because I have been so lucky that I cannot deal with not feeling the same way about MIL as she too is a family member. I also wonder if a sort of jealousy comes into it. Dad died 5 years ago but my Mum died 24 years ago and never got to see my three DDs grow up and she would have loved them and their children so much. I'm not saying MIL doesn't but she is very different. When she says things like "getting old is no fun" or "I won't see my Great Grandchildren as adults". I feel like shouting at her to realise how lucky she is.

Goodness, I think I' m learning a few things here about myself here !

When you did the self-help books, did you do the exercises in them?

Something that I found useful.
When I knew I was feeling and thinking stuff that I knew was wrong,
I stuck pieces of paper in most rooms of the house, plus under my pillow[I found just having the pieces of paper in a couple of rooms was not enough].

They had things like I am ..., or I am not...
So when I had the stupid negative feelings, I would go to the piece of paper in the room, to put my thoughts back straight again.

I had to leave the pieces of paper there for months, and remember to remove them if someone was visiting!

I wondered Rowantree if your jealousy was planted by one of your parents. When I read about the intelligence tests, it seems to me that is where your feelings started.. That was a mean thing for your mother to do and no wonder you feel jealous of your siblings and their children.

When I posted in How did you raise your kids, I wrote what I did to stop jealousy between my children because I didn't want my children to be like my siblings and me. I got on very well with my DM but she was brought up in an awful family and badly treated and I think she was clueless in how not to have her children at loggerheads with each other. She was never happy for us to do things together, she appeared to be jealous that we could do something together when she wasn't with us. Whereas I feel really happy when my children are off doing things together, even if it doesn't have to include me.

I know at least one of my sisters was jealous of me, I have always had digs from her and she is the only sister I still speak to. I was never full of confidence and missed out on many opportunities because I was always unsure.

I don't normally feel jealous but in the last few years as I have gotten older I do feel that I would have liked an easier life with a decent partner, my choices have been dismal and it's often not as easy for a single women who has not had the benefit of another wage earner. I often hear women say, we worked hard that's why we have done well. My thoughts and feelings to that is you might have worked hard and I did too, but you have had a second wage all those years and not had to split your assets. It certainly makes a huge difference financially. That's when I do feel envious, not that I would want their husbands and often feel relieved I can do as I please, very mixed emotions.

Oh wow, what an overlong and boring post.Feel free to skip huge chunks of it. I would.

Incredibly illuminating thoughts and responses which have certainly got me buzzing, in a nice way! And laughing too, because sharing our own humanity, warts, pustules and all, is actually great therapy. We are all of us flawed, really, because we are human, but I have grown up thinking that I had the worst flaws of all and got used to feeding those feelings.

Counselling/therapy: been there, done that - several times over, trying hard to learn how to be a better person, understand myself and others, accept myself. I even tried a horrible therapy programme which insisted I commit to 2 full days a week being treated in a manner which left me feeling the opposite of empowered, and utterly humiliated and patronised. After giving it my best shot for 9 months I could stand it no longer. I knew it wasn't right for me but felt I owed it to my psychiatrist to give it a try. I never regretted leaving. That was the last therapy I tried: prior to that I'd had a year of psychodynamic gobbledegook (actually staring at my therapist and vice versa, then talking endlessly to break the silences...no advice, no insight, no counselling, just round in ever-decreasing circles and I felt stuck fast. Before that was CBT, delivered by a young therapist who was a page ahead of me in the text book... need I go on?
I bought and read every self-help book going, tried various self-help techniques, supported by my lovely patient family, embarked on Mindfulness meditation courses which were great in some ways, but made no difference to how I felt or thought. I believed I was beyond redemption.

Finally it was a change in medication which seems to have helped - or maybe that was a coincidence. I am on different meds for anxiety and others for depression, but they do seemed to have made a huge difference: I no longer feel sick with anxiety every day, or as if I am at the bottom of a dark well with no ladder. I can function, I can appreciate small things, I can enjoy living. BUT....I still feel inadequate, I still get very stressed and irritable at times and I'm not always easy to live with. My poor OH has a lot to put up with...but I am aware of this and am trying hard to show him how much I love and appreciate him. I think my 'issues' are almost certainly so deeply entrenched that they won't ever be 'cured' as such: I will continue to be challenged by them and panic that I am sinking down into self-hatred and deep depression again. I am under no illusion that I could spiral down again, which is why I am so panicked and terrified when painful feelings surface and threaten to overcome me. But at the moment, those times aside, I am trying to make the most of the respite, appreciate when things are good and be as kind as I can be to others which isn't easy for an envious, inadequate person. The guilt remains, because like some of the other posters, I don't want my own jealous feelings to harm others - it's my biggest fear.
I am fascinated by your feelings about your MIL, ginny - I wonder whether you feel guilty about feeling nothing for her and that makes you feel down when she's due to arrive? If you enjoy close relationships with other family members, it can be upsetting and disconcerting if there is someone we can't feel that way about and don't know why; maybe you are blaming yourself for that, whereas in fact there is nothing and no one to blame: somehow, the relationship doesn't jell for you. But I can understand why that brings you down.
Moocow there might be a grain of truth in your words...I was so used to NEVER being good at anything, despite trying so damned hard at school, and socially, I always felt like an outsider and had a strong sense of rejection (well founded - I was bullied at school and really didn't handle it well at all, to my shame). I only felt able to start fighting back and learning to be assertive in the 6th form but it seemed to be too little, too late. The silly child inside wanted a turn to be 'best' and to feel respected, praised, valued and looked up to, and my childhood, adolescence and much of my adulthood have been dogged by these feelings, amongst others. It's cost me a long-term friendship which ended bitterly and painfully 8 years ago; prevented me from applying to university and instead went where my mother advised me to apply: teacher-training college petalmore - talk about a parallel universe! Actually I wanted to do art, not teaching, but it was made clear to me that - well - you have to be VERY GOOD to succeed. I took the hint.

I do actually get quite fed up with her and being sociable with her seems such an effort but I can' treally say why. There isn't any competition that I am aware of.Friends of mine and hers tell me what a lovely lady she is. Maybe others feel the same way but do not admit it? She is quite different to me. Much more formal and 'old fashioned' and we do not share any
interests. Ho hum, I'll just have to accept how I feel .

"However although I don't dislike her I just don't feel anything for her and if I'm honest it wouldn't bother me if I didn't see her"

I think most women feel like that about their MILs don't they? There is no reason why you should naturally like her or her you. Most rub along rather than a meeting of minds, and there are so many inbuilt conflicts of interest and flashpoints!

In traditional societies it is overcome by the MIL being firmly top dog and DILs 'knowing their place'. An unhappy youth but a happy old age is the result, and even in India young educated women are trying to escape this horror by refusing to live with in laws. Many Italian women, where something of this tyranny of age lives on, complain bitterly about their MILS. Traditional families are much idealised in Britain simply because we dont have to suffer it.

No Rowsntree you are not nasty or a 'cow. You have been through a lot. Actually I would doubt anyone who said that they had never had a single feeling of jealousy .

Slightly different but I have sometime felt the same about my self. My MIL is a perfectly decent person. Never interfered or been nasty. We always include her in the family and have her here regularly or visit. However although I don't dislike her I just don't feel anything for her and if I'm honest it wouldn't bother me if I didn't see her. Sometimes I feel quite down when I know she is about to arrive. Makes me feel very bad about myself and I don't understand why I feel this way.

Don't mean to take over your thread but just to illustrate that all of us have feelings that we can't always control but we try to deal with them and hope the people concerned are never aware of our feelings

Alobe! Alone!

Rowantree Initially I was going to respond with I feel your pain, then I read about all you and your own children have achieved! Is it about wanting to be the one who achieves more than the others? Whatever the reason it isn't a nice feeling I know. How often are we told not to compare our own children. It's all difficult, and whatever the reason(s), and however you get past it, it's horrible and hurts no-one as much as it hurts us ourselves. When you or anyone knows how to stop this they would make millions bottling it! For now GN is the ideal place for us all to openly talk it through and for that I am grateful that you started this so once again myself and others can see that we are not alobe.

The thing is, the op isn't just jealous of her nephew. She's been dealing with feelings of "inadequacy" all her life. This is much bigger than just resenting her nephew's achievement. She needs professional help.

Rowantree
I wonder if your SIL is the boastful type? If so then this would also be a big factor in explaining your irritation at your nephews Oxbridge acceptance. There is no reason to feel pleased for people who are competitive show offs (although of course you have to put on a false smile).
If she is then she's going to be insufferable over the next few years - contact best kept low level as possible!

Rownatree ?for your honesty! I've been there too. My own fault for deciding teacher training college was preferable to university as it was only a 2 year course. So many years since when I could have done a degree and didn't. No one to blame but myself!

Rowantree, please get counseling ASAP. You're problem isn't your jealousy of your nephew - it's your negative feelings about yourself. (((Hugs!)))

I have the opposite problem. I was told today my very clever nephew has decided not To go to University. He just wants a job as a train conductor and one day hopes to be a train driver. A train conductor or driver is a very important job, but I feel his choices are due to his parents. His father has worked for a bus company since he was Sixteen has never had another job, does not go anywhere, sits and watches telly most of the time. Has no friends, nothing. Is basically very lazy and I feel unfortunately that his son is just following in his footsteps without any ambition in life at all. He doesn't seem to go anywhere, doesn't do the things boys normally do. Apart from playing computer games he is just lost in his own wee world. I think it is such a shame, I have not been an ambitious person in my working life, but have seen a lot of the world and done a lot of things. It is so sad to see a young man who has no experience or will not experience the wide world and the opportunities that are out there. I would love him to know there are fantastic things to do and places to see.

Rowantree, you are extremely brave because not only do you acknowledge your unworthy feelings, you also recognise that you must overcome them. If this is any help, I like to give free rein to my own unworthy feelings. I imagine tying up people in bin bags, for example, or gluing them to the ceiling. Once I have thought the worst, and know that it is total fantasy, I can allow my better nature to take over. As long as you keep your thoughts to yourself, it's your actions that matter in the end.

Rowantree, I could have written your posts word for word about myself, except that my moment of shame came when I couldn't rejoice whole-heartedly when my sister got into Cambridge, when I myself. hadn't even got an interview, despite it having been assumed right from my earliest childhood that I would go to Newnham just like many of my parents' friends. I did get into Oxford (this was in the days of student grants) and was happy there ... but I could never shake off this feeling of inadequacy and failure, since my mother never let us forget that intelligence was the quality she regarded as paramount, and she rated people's value according to their academic ability. I could go on, but you get the picture. More recently, I have discovered that my two sisters each felt, as I did, that somewhere along the line we had been A Disappointment, and that we'd let her and ourselves down somehow. As an adult, I understand that my mother was probably projecting various disappointments of her own on to us, but despite that understanding, I have never been able simply to 'move on' emotionally. The emotions simply arise as does the pain from a corn if you put on an ill-fitting shoe. These neural pathways laid down in early childhood never go away, any more than the beneficial habits which ensure that I can't bear to go to bed without brushing my teeth. I have found it helpful to accept that these feelings will persist of their own accord, but they aren't really me, they are separate creatures. That makes it easier to treat them objectively and with kindness, but I still feel them, nevertheless. And it's such a relief to learn of someone else who feels the same way - thank you!

I think the OP needs to analyse her feelings and break them down. Is the feeling of sickness and inadequacy because you didn't make it to university? If so, enrol in in U3A or Open University course and realise your own dream of higher education - it's never too late. etc etc. Try to turn the negative feelings into something positive for yourself. These feelings make us feel horrible and it's brave to put them on this forum.

She recently admitted that the Oxford 'method' was not really for her and she might well have had a breakdown.

I know someone who did go there, and did have a breakdown. It has sadly messed up her life.