My dil...

Being overweight, underweight or by how many kilograms is not the issue here. She could very well have told you what jewelry not to wear or what lipstick to avoid. Whether or not it's implied or direct, it is presumptuous for anyone to make decisions for you that you can and should make for yourself.

So the real issue here is this: Your DIL's behavior is both disempowering and disrespectful towards you.

Whatever you do, do not accuse your DIL directly...accuse the bad behavior instead. She needs to understand that her actions (as well intentioned as they may be) are nonetheless unacceptable! Her comments and actions are not just annoying.....you feel disempowered. These kinds of words and actions are an affront to your self esteem and your dignity. For so many reasons and and so many levels, they are most unwelcome and they need to stop!

Seems to me that your daughter-in-law is making it a habit to make weight-related comments to you, and is cloaking her judgemental rudeness in sickly-sweet politeness! I have the opposite weight issues (bloody bony skinny at the moment and desperately trying to gain some weight - I look dreadful and can't understand why people would intentionally try to look like this!) I find the skinny bitch type comments sting and can imagine it's hard for you smiling through the digs. I agree with other comments made here, that maybe you could just politely but firmly inform her that as an adult you will make life choices, including food/weight ones, as you wish to, and would ask if you wanted anyone's opinion! Don't allow your daughter-in-law, or anyone else, to make you unhappy or stop enjoying meals etc - nobody has a right to put you down.

I have seen it suggested that it does no harm for older people to be at the top end or just over the approved BMI level (which is a grossly misleading statistic, but that is another argument). In fact older people at the higher level live longer than older people with weights at the lower end of the BMI range.

The reason is that it gives us a 'hump' to draw on if we are ill in anyway and go through a period when we cannot eat well. A friend waiting for major liver surgery was advised to put on at least a stone before his surgery, not because he was particularly thin but because his specialist told him that the post-operative period draws heavily on the body's energy resources and he would probably not be back to normal eating for a couple of months after his procedure.

So minimo point out to DiL that you are not overweight, on the contrary, you are at the best weight for a woman of your age and more likely to make a good recovery from any illness as a result.
For older adults, a BMI in the range of 23.0 to 29.9 kg/m2 is associated with optimal longevity www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4510467/

Next time she comes to you for lunch, I'd serve a very low carb salad with no bread, saying that you noticed this was her preference. ( Make sure you have a sandwich first though)

Hear, hear.

She is rude and she is a bully - don't let her "food policing" ruin family meals

Overweight people know that they are overweight - they do not need to be "fat shamed" and humiliated in public. If DIL was really concerned she would have a quiet and private word and ask if you were OK or if you needed help. Her behaviour seems to be mostly about making herself feel superior and virtuous by bullying you.

Maybe she's rude, maybe she's worried about you but why all this pussy-footing around on her part & yours. Just tell her with a smile, & chuckle & say you can see she is bothered about what you eat & tell her that you don't like how she is trying to tell you. Clear the air now before the fog gets too thick & show her how to be honest.

Your weight is none of her business. If you had obvious health problems caused by gross obesity (which is clearly NOT the case), a quiet word at some time would be understandable but it is not her job to control what you eat as if you were a recalcitrant toddler.

Next time you are served a 'suitable' salad, with bread withheld, tell her as you leave that what you like so much about salads are they are the perfect excuse for getting a takeaway curry/fish and chips or whatever for supper. In other make itclear that her unwarranted attempts to control what you eat makes you eat more not less elsewhere.

Ask her "Why , do you think I'm fat?" ....if she says "Yes" tell her that you are aware your BMI is slightly above but you are comfortable as you are and yes you would like some bread....if you decide you are going to cut back or diet you'll let her know! If she says No say, oh, well why are you asking if having bread is a good idea then?

It's none of her business and I would politely tell her so . You are an adult and do not need her to comment and it is actually very rude and undermining,My oldest son is very large but I wouldn't dream of insulting him and doing that and he's in his late thirties.
Whether you are or are not overweight , is up to you, as it whether you want to deal with it or not.
Unless you asked her for support I'm afraid she has seriously overstepped the boundaries as you would be if you gave her advice on how to raise her children,
Don't allow this!!!

Neversaydie, research has shown that many overweight people do actually suffer from eating disorders which are just as difficult to "cure" as anorexia and bulimia.
grannypiper I agree with you. My daughter has a problem with her weight which is replicated through the whole of her paternal side regardless of the amount they eat and exercise. She has found it extremely difficult to get healthcare for a congenital condition because of the patronising attitude of medical professionals. Dieticians have tried to force her to eat "healthy grains" despite the fact she is gluten intolerant, vilified her for not having dairy products when she is lactose intolerant and been vile to her for following the NHS Specialists prescribed FODMAP diet. A thin person would not have been subjected to this.
I am diabetic and struggle to control an urge to binge eat. I find when somebody says, "Is that a good idea," that the desire to eat that particular thing becomes far more pronounced. I think your DIL, minimo, is patronising and condescending so needs gently (or not) putting in her place. How very dare she!

Just take your own sandwiches if she doesn't want to share her food.

Just say when you are my age you will find that you will put on weight as well as you will not be as fit and active as you are now.I want to enjoy my life and living on salad is not what I call enjoyable.

This is about respect, she needs to know she is hurting your feelings and as such should be put in her place. A good tactic to use is to invent an in -law story whereby your own mother in law would be treated like a guest of honour whenever she came to eat and served first.

If it was me I would be asking her if she has a problem with my weight/size! When I first met my hubby, we would go down and stay the weekend at his mums as she lived a good distance from us. After a few visits she game me some 'Slimming books' she had and said she thought I might like them. I was fizzing and when I got back home I told my hubby he either had a word with his mum or I would never visit her again. I don't know what he said, but she never mentioned my weight again!

Thank you all for your advice - I have laughed my way through some of them - "Life's is too short to peel a grape" might become my new mantra . I'm not terribly upset by her behaviour - I just find it annoying. I know I'm...round...yes a tad over the BMI but not (excuse the pun) hugely. I think I will take the advice to have a quiet word with her and try to make her understand it's not on. When do they stop treating us like grown-ups
Much appreciate all the well-meaning posts!

Perhaps your DIL is a lovely person but in this respect ...... Plain rude and patronising. Passive/aggressive!

I think you must be very even tempered to have taken these comments in your stride. All women know that weight is a subject to steer clear of.

Next time I might just challenge her. But my response would be unprintable! and would start with "FFS that will do" and probably end with me losing my appetite and going home.

Seems the World Health Organisation is doing some research.

apps.who.int/bmi/index.jsp?introPage=intro_3.html

I would agree with jomarie - 'that you are old enough now to make your own choices and that if and when your doctor advises you to lose weight for health reasons then she can be assured that you will ask her advice on how to do so.'

I had a sister to tried this sort of food bullying. So at at family buffets if I went back she told me 'what are you doing to yourself!' Sadly this tends to make you want to eat more.

I have an arrangement with my GP that I consider a BMI of 25 too thin but do not want to exceed BMI 30. I say I am not happy with the values in the tables both because the population they are based on were years ago starting in 1830 see
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_mass_index

and I have shrunk an inch which would then require me to be thinner to get a BIM of 25. I point out that my bones and hips are protected by any additional weight under 30 BMI.
So stick to Jomarie's advice and repeat it if necessary.

You may have to accept the salad being served and cake slice being smaller just to be polite.

My daughter is the opposite neversaydie. Gymn 3 times a week, vegetarian and this month she is trying vegan. Said she has more energy and is sleeping better. I like to eat sensibly and occasionally have a treat, I am a bit overweight but come the summer will be eating a few more salads. Life's is too short to peel a grape enjoy your food.

I would do as justtrolljanet says and have a quiet word. It is when one person seems to think they can do say things which are upsetting and the upset person just lets it fester that greater problems occur.

The idea of inviting them all round for tea and cake sounds great ! This is a fashionable thing to do, or you could do it for charity even !!! I always fondly remember the teas we used to have with my Grandparents, particularly the cakes, which were often home made. I imagine the D.I.L. will just eat salad.

You have got to tell us how this problem gets resolved, because it is such a good question, minimo.

I think I would take her to one side and explain that her actions and comments are beginning to upset you and you would like her to draw a line under it and move on, x

OP where are you?

I think she is rude. My MiL used to do this to my SIL. i would go for a private word along the lines of. I know you think you are doing the right thing, but it makes me feel very uncomfortable when you try to manage my eating. Don't engage any further. If she tries to justify it say nothing more. Hopefully if she does it again, just say,"I thought we already discussed this".

She needs to understand you are a fully functioning intelligent adult, not some poor old dear she has to manage.