My dil...

The first answer from Jomarie was the best.

I think it's a case of jealousy towards the other woman in her husband's life. She is trying to find fault in her mother in law to stir things up.

I have to say, when we go round our very health conscious step daughters you don't get any food at all !!! She goes to yoga daily for 1.5 hours !!!!! She loves it !!

I think it must be very wearing having a daughter in law like that. When she next asks if its a good idea to eat her bread, put the onus on her to prove why its not a good idea.

She's obviously very health conscious but also a pain in the arse for inflicting her views on everyone else to the point of being a bore.

She'll learn!

Yeah, I'm afraid Jaima is right, op. If you tell your dil off, you risk making her an enemy. Be firm, yes, but be polite.

Maybe that's why dds sometimes get away with more, Jaima, because there's a sense of love there. I wouldn't take it from my dd though. If she starts to get pushy with me in any way, I let her know it's not all right. I don't give her unsolicited advice, and I don't accept it from her either.

Also, on the flip side, some moms can tell their dds off without worry because they know they'll still have a loving relationship after. But not all, of course.

I see from your profile that you are 38 missmelli

Listen and learn - you may be a MIL one day

How to make an enemy of your DIL missmelli!

If she asks if you really want that piece of bread say 'Yes, darling, I do!, I'm very hungry'.

Or '[gasp] is bread bad for us?'

Why is everyone tip toeing about? Quiet words and whispers! Do not go to the house or say in no uncertain terms " stop making snide remarks" And whats your son doing? Keeping out of the way if he has any sense! He ought to tell you both to grow up!

'disempowerment' - that's a new one on me. Sounds like toppling a dictator from his position?

That's a really good point that Jalima's making.

The OP said She's not openly rude about it, and she's not a mean person so I know it's not coming from a bad place. It started off as being amusing and now has become really annoying!
I don't know why this is being interpreted as 'bullying' or worse still, 'disempowerment', as if the OP is some poor, vulnerable, defenceless shrinking violet.
There seems to be a danger that umbrage will be taken and the relationship spoiled when all that has happened is that something that started off as gentle teasing no longer appears so to the one on the receiving end.
OP, all you need to do is be a bit more assertive. If she asks if you think it's a good idea to have some bread say 'yes I'd like some please'.
If she gives you a small piece if cake, and you'd like some more, ask for some. Start from the position that you are quite happy with your weight, i.e. don't acknowledge that you realise she's having a dig at you.
I agree with someone else who said she may have salad for lunch every day. I do.

WOuld you be so upset if it was a DD doing this rather than a DIL? just wondering.

DDs seem to be allowed to say these things but a DIL can't without posters saying she is rude.
Perhaps she is being cruel to be kind and perhaps she doesn't like to suggest you may feel better if you do lose some weight?

What do you mean she is not openly rude. She is completely rude and breaches all the rules of good manners and being a hostess. You are kidding yourself. Tell her where to go,

Missed that post, thanks for explaining.

Think we're all a bit fed up with silly trolls recently, who think it's fun to block up threads with stupid requests for 'help', then sit back and laugh at the kind and supportive comments from the unsuspecting.

Glad to find that isn't the case here.

The thread was started on Thursday afternoon and the OP posted again on Friday at 13.58.

Rude!

Haven't read all the posts, but did see that the op came back one time, Anya.

Op, maybe dil is being rude or maybe she really is concerned and thinks she's being helpful. Either way, she's out of line, imo.

I go along with those who say to remind her you're an adult and let her know you'll make your own decisions about what you eat, etc. If she continues in this vein, cut back on time spent with her or just politely remind her it's NOT her concern.

Is this yet another thread where someone starts a thread (in this case the inappropriately named minimo) and then never comes back?

Sort of 'light the blue touch paper and retire!'

Actually M0nica there is a long history of food problems in my family which I don't propose to discuss here. The reason portion control is not an issue with me is because I choose not to allow it to be. Yes there are a lot of emotional issues with food, but making the decision to ignore these and to concentrate on what really matters is the beginning of dealing with them. Things like the DIL controlling the OPs eating and bullying her only matter if she chooses to let them. Ignore how she behaves, stop worrying about it and just regard it as her problem and she might well stop.

I dont think its very caring to keep making an issue of someone's appearance.

I would take a loaf of bread with me and pop it on the bench when I arrived saying you didn't want her running out as you know how you love your bread

Perhaps she is worried about your weight minimo but is too polite to tell you.

I am with OP. If anyone, DD, DDiL, DH or anyone else, started trying to manage me in any way, they would soon get told when to step back, gently and kindly if it was DDiL. A bit more briskly if it was DH or DD.

I think the OP within her own family is capable of knowing when her DiL is acting in away to control what she eats, particularly as DiL is constantly commenting on OP's weight 'problem', as DiL sees it. You do not notice portion size in your family Trisher anymore than I do in mine, but that is because it isn't an issue so there has been no need to watch how meals are being conducted.

I do not think the fact that someone cares about you is a justification for them to try to control any aspect of your life or try to force you into a course of action you do not wish to take.

I wonder why some of this bothers you so much? I never notice who gets the biggest/smallest slice of cake (although my sons carry on a joke from childhood each insisting the others have bigger pieces than them). Are you sure she only has salad when you visit and it isn't the usual family lunch? Maybe she is being annoying, maybe she is being rude but also perhaps she cares enough to be concerned and worried about you and finds it difficult to tell you, so hopes you will pick up the hints and act. I'd be much more concerned if she was stuffing you with calories and mentally clocking up how many years you were cutting off your lifespan. Maybe it isn't the best way to encourage someone to eat healthily, but she cares about you. As someone said if she was your DD and not your DIL would you accept her criticism and her actions more readily?