92 year old father and his recently acquired friend

Rapunzal Re hospital visit I would say that the next of kin is required to discuss your fathers health requirements.
I'm sure you and your sister will have your fathers best interest at heart and can provide medical history.

Ana, "gah!" ? make me laugh!

How difficult for you. I wonder about the group and who organises it? There is a difference between 'vulnerable' and 'disabled'. I would contact whoever organises the group and ask a few questions about the woman, perhaps saying you are worried because she is 'vulnerable' but appears to be taking responsibility for your dad's hospital visits and you would hate her to become stressed. You might also discuss with your dad the possibility of LPA for his health www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney/overview , but without referring directly to the woman so he doesn't become annoyed. Then why not organise a family gathering and invite your dad and the couple, if all 3 sisters are there you should be able to get an idea of what they are really like. It might also be that if she sees the 3 of you ready to protect your dad she will back off.

I read in the paper today that online dating scammers get gullible online daters to pay them something like £300 million a year. The victims are adults, male and female, who will connect online with someone, fall in love with them without ever meeting them and then transfer tens and even hundreds of thousands of pounds to them because this online swain tells them some sob story that they fall for.

Are extremely old people really more trusting and naive than younger members of the community?

Problem with suggesting he draw up a Power of Attorney is that he might make one appointing her or her husband as his attorney!

People make the mistake of assuming close blood relatives are automatically 'next of kin'.Next of kin can be anybody you designate
And the trouble with the Health and Well being LPA is it asks questions about whether you want to be ressuscitated etc OP's father might be a bit alarmed if this comes out of the blue !There are safeguards though -you normally 'nominate' someone to be consulted in the event...I think the idea of inviting them to a (your)family gathering is a good one. I'd thank them effusively for anything they've helped him with but make it very clear you are 'keeping an eye'on him .

My dad had a long term love affair with his cleaner, it made him very happy. It also made him very ad at times, he was like a love struck teenager, we talked about it when he wanted to.

There was a chance he may have left her his money, he didn't. He did spend money on her but it was fabulous for him to feel young and vigorous again.

When he died, I fund a little card in his pocket from her saying how much she loved him, I had it put in his coffin with the love letters from mum and the lady he met after mum died. Old people are still entitled to love and friendships, which for all of us carry the risks of being hurt.

I hate the thought of older people being abused but just as much, I hate the idea of new friendships and love being monitored or prohibited for no good reasons.

I discovered a fellow passenger on a cruise last year, a lady in her late eighties, who was obviously not coping well with the essentials of daily living, not managing to cut up her food etc and generally rather lost and vulnerable.she was on holiday with a 'friend' a women some twenty or thirty years younger, who each day abandoned her for the delights of the poolside bar and buffets leaving the older lady, who had paid for her companion,to fend for herself.
I would investigate this group where your father met this lady, the friendship might be totally innocent, but it rings alarm bells for most of us as a scam.

Just be watchful. My DS in Germany has just had to bail out his FiL whose so-called carer & taxi driver regularly took him to an ATM & withdrew all his weekly income. He bought her jewellery, paid her rent etc etc. FiL is only 71 & was on the Board of a big motor company so not the most likely candidate for being conned. But he was lonely & a long way from family. He has PD with complications & the drugs/illness at times interfere with his thinking. They've now got him into a Care home near them. Respect for his independence & riights stopped his DD from acting sooner. Also a reminder to people making Wills - never deny one child an equal share because they are due to inherit a lot from the in-laws! It can easily be lost.

My mother had this when she was in her late 80s and trusted a neighbour with a key.
This woman made comments about how much she had done when my sister visited clearly hinting that she expected to be remembered in Mum's will.
After Mum thankfully moved, she got this ex-neighbour sent a parcel to her with Mum's cheque books and financial papers which she had obviously removed from the house. I find the fact that she would see nothing wrong with letting Mum know that she had taken them very creepy. All of Mum's pots and pans disappeared from the house when she was moving out.
She has a number of carers that go in now through an agency and we can only cross our fingers as she is too far away for us to keep an eye.

Gosh this is so difficult. We have a stalker, who has no shame at all and is openly hostile to us.
We live some distance from my Step MIL 96 and FIL. They are extremely land rich. This woman lives near by and my MIl and FIL are besotted with her.
There is little we can do. I did go to their solicitor and discuss it with her and she said, there is nothing we can do.

I did copy the piece of paper that had her signature on, stating that she was my FIls next of kin. ( he was suddenly taken into hospital and she got there before us) We also have a independant witness who heard her trying to get my Step MIL to get rid of us.
If my PIl change their will and disinherits us then we would spend every penny on taking her to court. We don't need the money, but it is the principle.
So sorry for you as it is horrible. These people are like circling vultures.

This sounds like elder financial abuse by a competent couple. You can consult with Age Concern and the local Adult Service Safe Guarding Team. Maybe this couple have done it before.

so sorry you are in this position.

If this person is a volunteer at the club she should have had a CRB check done. I would be very worried about this if it was my father. I have a brother who owns two properties but he never married and i worry that as he gets older he may become vulnerble and be hoodwinked by someone unscrupulous. Lets hope this person is genuine, otherwise if found out it could break your father's heart.

Cherrytree wrote "gave her gifts of jewellery and china that had belonged to our mother without the knowledge of myself or sister"

Exactly the same thing happened with my FIL. We got some of the stuff back by insisting that our MIL had left it to use and we had only left it at his house so that nothing changed for him. It all got very nasty though.I think OP needs to contact someone at the original group. My FIL had no sense of being 'conned' and yet to the rest of us it was plainly obvious. I've thought for some time that there ought to be an organisation like the NSPCC only for old people.

Can you sometimes subtly try to be with your Dad when he is seeing this woman? If she knows he has family who are checking up maybe she will back off. I think it would be good to meet her and have a chat anyway, it may reassure you (or it may confirm your worst fears)

What is this woman doing joining a group for vulnerable and lonely people? She doesn't sound at all vulnerable or lonely.

Ouch. My nasty suspicious (retired SW) mind does not like it, but stopping it is another matter.

The fact that the woman is very much younger and has a husband makes me extra concerned.
Seriously I wonder if something like "Clares law" applies in this situation.

M0nica given that there are a gangs of scammers who specifically scam older/vulnerable people because they are easy targets; I would suggest that as a group many more lonely people are vulnerable to being scammed than the general public.
This really looks to me as if he is being exploited. You might treat your family to holidays etc. If the woman was single it would be different but he is doing this for a married couple of friends,? No!
It is called "grooming!" The same general process used by child abusers. Obviously I have no evidence but do not believe it could not happen to your elderly parents .

Age UK are a good source of informatiomm

Information!! A Flying fingers problem.

"I hate the thought of older people being abused but just as much, I hate the idea of new friendships and love being monitored or prohibited for no good reasons."

But there are "good reasons" here, radicalnan. This couple is getting way more out of df than they're giving. Sure, they take him to his hospital appointments (which he doesn't need because he has his dds to do it if he would let them). But meanwhile, he paid for a holiday for them (he wasn't included), as well as a private med consultation (I wonder for what?). Very suspicious if you ask me.

But another view, Rapunzel... How did you and sis act when you took dad to his appointments? Did you make an issue about the timing? Did you shut him down if he repeated the same old stories as some elderly people do? Does he have some annoying habits and do you call him on it? Were these times unpleasant in any way?

If any of this is true, then maybe he just prefers the company of this couple, sorry to say. They may treat him more gently than you and sis do. In gratitude, he may feel the need to do them favors like pay for a holiday.

Doesn't mean they aren't scammers. They may be putting up with stuff you wouldn't because they are. But it does mean you and sis may need to start treating him more kindly.

Meanwhile, I think you should talk to a solicitor and one or more of those agencies pps recommended. But don't let him or this couple know you're doing it.

I agree with M0nica, it is his choice who he spends his money on. What is it you are upset about? Losing any money, losing control of his affairs or being sidelined over his health problems? The first two you don't really have any call on but I can understand being upset over him wanting to go to appointments with this friend of his. Maybe it helps him to keep some of his dignity not having you as involved as you were. Plus, just a thought, I would have been delighted at my dad getting to 90, in good mental state and enjoying friendship of this couple. As long as he is happy with them and the situation then I 'd be glad with that.

If she has nothing to hide tgen she'll be willing to meet you & your other nearby sibling with her husband. You can then gauge what is going on...she may of course be above board but for Dad to shut you out regarding hospital visits needs to be addressed and tell her that you want to continue to take your Dad to any appointments he may have

I had POA for my dad but when he said he wanted to take full control back, then I had to let him. I didn't like it but I did have to respect it.

Some conflicting views on here Rapunzel, some seeing no harm in it and others who have had experience of something similar happening to their elderly relatives being a bit more cautious.
One hears a lot on the news about elderly people being scammed that it does arouse suspicions, and as I say, MIL was dropped like a hot brick as soon as the 'kind friend' found that she did not own her own house.
On the other hand, we were quite suspicious of a young couple who seemed to have 'taken over' a friend and then his partner after our friend died but they turned out to be lovely people.

rapunzel I empathise with your concerns. You said he started to attend a group for vulnerable LONELY people and met these new friends there.

Perhaps I'm being totally naive to think they have just all become good friends and his 'gifts' are a way for him to say thank you for their help etc.

If he seems more content and happier than before this friendship, all you can do is discuss it with him again ... Perhaps best in a restaurant so everyone stays calm.
My biggest concern would be that you no longer accompany him to hospital appointments.
On this point I would plead with him to come too along with new friend!

Do you and your sister visit on a regular basis. I realise one sister barely visits. I hope you can sort this out without further heartache.

jalima they were JW by the way
What is JW