Estrangement / Cut off Mum

That's a difficult one Jayanna and only you know the strength of your friendship and whether or not she would be able to take on board what you want to say without being upset and offended.

You say her D has asked her not to visit for a while because it's too stressful, did she give any specifics? I wonder if she didn't that's why your friend is bewildered. It would make it easier for you if she had, then your friend could have shared with you and that would have made it easier for you to comment.

You say Dorothy that as time has past you've been able to the 'little things brewing on both sides". It's such a shame that your D wasn't able to discuss these with you. Cutting a parent(s) out of your life is a huge decision to make and as you quite rightly say, it's the silence that's so difficult to come to terms with.

We're none of us perfect whether we are P's, GP's or AC. "Just little things, silly little things, maybe things I thought were OK to do and say". I think you speak for so many of us with those words and raise the biggest question of all. 'Why didn't you talk to me, tell me, give me the chance to alter my behaviour? Why on earth did you say nothing and then cut me out?'.

I'm so sorry Parklife. When your AC cuts you out of theirs and their children's lives it's utterly devastating.

Dorothy a question. If a good friend could have pointed out to you what was going wrong would you have wanted that? I have a friend who is made unhappy by the way her adult children are retreating from her. I don't think they would ever cut her out but her daughter has just told her not to visit for a while because it is too stressful. The thing is I can see why her daughter says that, although my friend is bewildered by it. I have been soothing up to now but I think it would need something quite direct (brutal?) to get her to see it from her children's point of view. Tact is not my strong point, I don't want her to feel that everyone is against her. What's the best thing for a friend to do?

Lump in my throat reading your post, Dorothy. So good that you were able to figure out what went wrong with the passage of time. Now if only your ed would reach out but maybe one day she will. (((Hugs)))

Parklife1 and Starlady, I am fairly new to this site too.

Parklife, I am sorry to hear that you too are experiencing cut off from your daughter, it hurts, I know how much and hope that maybe if you gave her some space, that she might be approachable to chat to you given time.

Starlady, for me, initially I was full of self pity, woe me and couldn't possibly have done anything wrong, no way was I at fault, it was all my daughter, maybe our son in law's influence but most certainly not me.

For me, with the passage of time and upon reflection I was able to take off my rose tinted glasses and see that of course there were tiny little things on both sides brewing years, "tall oaks from little acorns grow" to quote the phrase.

I'm not saying anything as horrid as physical, emotional or sexual abuse, just little things, silly little things, maybe things I thought were ok to do and say but clearly it wasn't ok for my daughter and vice versa, thungs my daughter thought was ok to do and say but clearly wasn't ok for me.

The biggest frustration is and I know many on this forum share, the silence and reluctance of the person cutting off to just communicate, maybe go to mediation or therapy.

I also don't think what I perceived little things justifies total cut off but clearly my daughter does and so she must do what she feels is the right thing for her to do.

I love her, always will and she knows that if the day ever comes that she''d like to build bridges, I would be happy to try that.

Of course I miss her but this is her choice not mine.

I'm fairly new here, myself, Parklife1, but welcome! I think this is as good a place as any to place your post. However, there is also a specific support thread here in this forum for estranged parents/grandparents. It has a long title, but it begins with the words "Continued support" - you'll see.

I'm so sorry that dd (dear daughter) cut you and your whole family off last summer. How painful! Obviously, you didn't see it coming, but come on - there must have been some ongoing conflicts, right? Stuff that you thought would just go on and on and just didn't realize she would say she's done? If not conflicts with her than with sil (son-inlaw)? Maybe not with you but with dh (dear husband) or some other family members?

If you don't know of anything, is there any way you can contact her and ask or does she have you fully blocked? Is there anyone else who might know? Also, did she co the whole family at the same time or little by little?

(((Hugs)))

I'm really not sure whether this is an appropriate place for this post and I have just discovered this site, so am very new, but I would like to share with otherwpswho may understand.

My daughter decided last summer, that she wanted to cut contact with the rest of the family. She clearly feels she has the support she needs from her husband's family. I am at a loss to know why this happened, because I was not aware that there had been a rift. What really hurts is that I can no longer see my grandson. The last time I saw him, he was not walking, now he'll be walking and probably starting to talk. The will not respond to messages from any of us and I don't know why.

I have continued to send cards for occasions and a parcel for the baby at Christmas. I have a box kept just for him, into which I put letters and cards, in the hope that someday he will know that he had another family who love him. I would love a photo of him now, but there's nothing. I know we're not alone, but it does hurt.

Whoever u are rosieposie my daughter rang to ask us to order her flowers and was told it is personal she wanted me to pay y but said best if you choose your own

This is absolutely none of your business and why u would post lies u will have to answer.

Yes I have reported your post as I am no longer on this forum and will sue if lies are printed. It is an offence to do this on social media or forums.

Good post Miss Adventure

I dont think its appropriate to be discussing someone who is no longer taking part in the threads.

Rosieposie, remembering celeb's dramatic posts seems to be something celeb can't manage. Unfortunately, for celeb, most readers can recall her absurd posts about raging at Tor. And celeb wonders why the relationship ended?

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Norah ....thanks!

I doubt you missed anything. Looking for clues in an estrangement does seem like looking for Eddie Stobart lorries, in my opinion. It's quite fascinating. But then I have children and GC who loved to look at lorries.

Norah ....?? Am I missing something again? grin

Looking for clues is a bit like lorry spotting, one never knows when Eddie Stobart will overtake.

Introspection - " the examination or observation of one's own mental and emotional processes" (dictionary definition) ......Quite!!!!!!

Anya, yes there are many MH conditions that can develop as a result of circumstances/trauma, but that takes us into the age old nature/ nurture argument. Going from the examples given here, it seems that the toxic mothers-in-law have been a toxic mothers.

"It's not dissension to express an unpopular view."

It is when it's been expressed hundreds of times!

It's not dissension to express an unpopular view. The idea that blaming the dil is just an easy way out is common. As it's not dissension to think that spanking is abuse even if some spanked their children years ago. Wrong behaviour is wrong. Introspection is jolly good.

Toxicity can develop over the years in a formerly 'normal' person. Life experiences can make people bitter, drugs and alcohol ditto. It can also be a sign of mental illness.

Arabraa why are you so bloody determined to cause dissension? Over the last few days, posters have really tried to see the others points of view, and I for one have learned much. But that's not really what you want is it? So, back you come with your dogmatic opinions, dragging posts from a different thread, picking just the inflammatory bits. You really need to ask yourself why you are doing this.

Reading these threads has really flagged up for me the fact that its more than likely that toxic mothers-in-law were toxic daughters/daughters-in-law. Toxicity isn't an illness you develop over the years. This goes some way to understanding why families want to stamp it out where possible, and also to see that, certainly in situations like mine, you can sometimes be on a hiding to nothing. It's too late, it is what it is.

Bibbity this is it, of course it's the horrible dil, not the GPs or ds. "How dare he tell them to stop abusing his wife." "He'd have never blamed them before." "It must be that woman he's with."

How wonderful that you're a ggm, Norah!

But wow - boomer kids and millennials? That's a whole generation apart! You must have been very young when you had the first set.

Enjoy them all - ac, gc and ggc!

Rhinestone, it looks like there has been a long history of trouble in ess's life and of tensions between him and dh. I agree the co is part of all that. It isn't that surprising, actually, now that you have given us more of a context. Painful, I'm certain, but not surprising.

It is interesting to see the contrast with ds. How marvelous that that turned out ok! I'm sorry he didn't let you know beforehand that he needed some "space." But I am glad it's all good now.

Is it possible that ess is also "figuring out his life" and wants to do it w/o "interference?" Maybe it is just taking him longer than ds. Maybe he will reconcile with you and dh someday, too.

Granmary18 Yes it's interesting to have AC with GC and GGC and my second set of children with GC in nappies. The generational differences in my children are fascinating.