Estrangement / Cut off Mum

What a sad situation to be in, b0dhi. Have you entirely given up hope that there will be communication between you and your daughter and grandson in the future (I notice that you're not asking for advice on how to remedy the situation, just to cope with it)?

Personally when I'm coping with difficult situations I ask myself whether I've done all I possibly can to make matters better. If the answer's yes then I mentally file it away under Regrettable Things That Happened. If it's
no I make an effort to put things right. This effort doesn't always result in success, but at least I'm then in a place where I know I did all I could.

OMG, b0dhiTree, I'm so sorry! What a total 180 your dd has done! That must be so painful!

And not to see gs on top of it! One hurt on top of another!

"I cry a lot and feel very lonely and isolated."

You did right to come here. You're NOT isolated. There are many grands here in similar situations. There's a whole thread dedicated to their support, as you'll see if you look around. Keep talking to us.

Counseling might also help. And focusing on other parts of your life - friends, hobbies, work, etc. (((Hugs)))

You seem to think your new sil is controlling dd in some way and causing all this. Is it possible that dd is being emotionally or physically abused by him? Then you might just have to wait till she gets the courage to leave and be there for her and gs when she does.

You only mention Mother's Day cards as a sign of your former "good relationship" with dd. Were there no Christmas or birthday cards/gifts? No visiting back and forth or going to lunch together, etc? If your relationship was down to MDay cards, perhaps it was deteriorating before she met sil? This is something to think about, also.

Or did something happen just before or after that last MDay card? Maybe a "last straw" thing or whatever?

What sil said was very cruel, but perhaps he's just standing by dd and not vice versa? If you figure out what went wrong, maybe you can begin to resolve it...

Hi Starlady. It wasn't just the cards we had a 'proper' relationship. we used to visit each other about 3 or 4 times a year. She lives 5 hours away from me. We exchanged gifts and always saw each other over the Christmas period. I am 99% sure sil is abusing her financially. She has developed OCD since she has been with him. I have come to realise I will have to wait. She was a gutsy lady and I hope she finds some of that strength again. I cannot see her leaving him until her son is much older. I have no doubt this man would get his son one way or another. x

I'm so sorry to read about your estrangement b0dhiTree, my heart goes out to you. We have been estranged from our son for over 4 years now. Haven't seen our eldest GC since the age of 8 months, now aged 5, and have never seen our youngest of 14 months.

Sadly, there are many parents in this situation; there's another thread on this forum specifically about this about living with estrangement and moving forward, you may like to take a look.

We too were extremely close to our son and his wife's manipulation has resulted in the same sad result. As Starlady has said, you are not alone and although it's upsetting to know that others suffer as you do there can be some comfort in the knowledge that others too find themselves estranged, through no fault of their own.

You ask how you can cope, not easy to answer because we are all different and so all have different coping mechanisms but for me the first step was not even taking one day at a time, but a couple of hours at a time.

I spent the first year in tears and hardly going out. I'd stay up late listening to sad songs and sobbing and get up late every morning because there seemed little point in getting out of bed. My dear husband Mr. S. cried a lot too but bless him, managed to drag himself up and out every day to go to work.

Now, when I look back at that first year I have absolutely no idea how we came through it with our sanity in tact. It takes time b0dhiTree, you need time to grieve for the daughter you've lost and for the GC you've never known.

As for recovery, I don't know if any of us ever will really recover but what we can do is make the most of what we have, focus on the people we love who love is in return. We hope for the day that we can remember our AC before they left us with a smile, and not just our tears and the terrible pain that living without them brings.

The first thing to remember is that you are more than good enough person to be a grandmother. I suspect by saying this your SiL was hoping you would beg and weep and ask to please be allowed to see DGS. That way he would have had you under his control as well as your daughter.

By accepting his edict, however, grief-stricken, you have protected yourself and your daughter. Yes, your acceptance may be used as proof you do not care, but your daughter will know deep down that you do, but your distress and pleas cannot be used as a far more powerful way of manipulating her.

How do you cope? I do not know. I will leave that to the respondents who speak from the place you are in.

All I would say is that, hopefully, one day, your DD will break the spell, and return to you with her child and you will be able to welcome her and help her. Strong with the knowledge that having not compromised yourself by leaving yourself open to this man's manipulation you will better be able to help her

Bodhi, it's so sad to hear about what has happened to your ed. I bet you're right though, and one of the reasons she stays is her son. You're wise to see that you just "have to wait" then. I truly hope she comes to you one day and that you're there for her (and gs) with open arms.

Smileless, your post brought tears to my eyes. But this is not the first time. Imo, you could be a writer.

Have you any ideas as to what your portion of the difficult situation may be and what you do to remedy what you can?

what you NEED to do

Wish I had some answers, it is the worst feeling ever, sending you? but above all look after yourself, try to keep busy and however hard, don't think it's you, there are so many in your position now, please come on here for support.x

Such a sad state of affairs and so many Grandparents going through this please read the ongoing threads regarding this problem bTree
If your DD controlled as you say she will on day find the strength to walk away but it will have to be her choosing and may take a while,until then keep the door open for contact and keep in touch with her even if you get no immediate response back.

This is a repeating problem and very sad, I have a similar situation, not seen eldest daughter for a decade.

I do feel though that they are grown u women, we can't just blame whoever it is we feel manipulates then, they have choices too.

For whatever reason, the situation at some level suits her for now, I hope she makes a different choice soon. In the meantime, please look after yourself.

Not read all posts as rushing out but if change seems to be attributable to DDs partner and he appears to be controlling please look up Clare's Law. This might be valuable. Feel free to message me for clarity. Sorry to dash

So sorry for you. I had a niece who married a man like that. He was a total control freak. Thank God she is about to receive her divorce papers this month.

Try and contact your daughter by 'phone and arrange to meet for a coffee somewhere. Then you can tell her how you feel and tell her how hurt you are. She is not made of ice, she knows how you supported her before this man came on the scene.

As for being unsuitable as a Grandmother, he has room to talk. Of course you are suitable. He needs to grow up. He is behaving like a spoilt brat.

Sorry, that man just made me so angry, because I know how it feels and I know the damage these men do.

With narcissists the way you deal with them is NOT TO REACT TO THEIR THREATS OR COMMENTS. Play it cool, nothing will annoy him more. Do not cry or get upset, he will feed on that.

Well said radicalnan. It is easy and convenient to blame the manipulative partners and absolve the DS/DD you were once so close to, but they are colluding with this behaviour. If you had really been that close then surely they know they can come to you with their problems if they need to. We have a similar situation with my DHs youngest son, my DH chooses to believe he doesn't hear from him because of his controlling wife but unless my DH helped raise a doormat I don't fall for this. I believe it suits him just fine to ignore his father.

"I do feel though that they are grown u women, we can't just blame whoever it is we feel manipulates then, they have choices too."

At last, reason prevails.

" It is easy and convenient to blame the manipulative partners and absolve the DS/DD you were once so close to, but they are colluding with this behaviour. If you had really been that close then surely they know they can come to you with their problems if they need to."

Exactly.

Hmm whilst it might suit some women to say their partners won't allow contact because they themselves don't want to have contact please don't assume that is always the case. Many women are definitely under the control of a man who is a perpetrator of domestic abuse. Walk a mile in the shoes of such women before you judge them. In the U.K. An average of two women die each week at the hands of their partners. Do you blame the women? I sincerely hope not .

Of course there is real abuse, however many a GP should look inward for what they have done to upset their DD or DS to the point of estrangement.

It is so, so easy for someone who has not been under the control of a narcissistic man to say a girl has a mind of her own. What these men do is reduce the partner to the level of having no confidence in themselves, and to think they absolutely rely on the man for everything....it is done in such a slow, deliberate way that they do not notice until it is too late. By then they are afraid of how they would manage without the man, how useless and worthless they are themselves until they would not dare to stand up to the bullying OH in case it set off a violent argument. Can any of you say in truth that you would be brave enough to stand up to such a person? It is not just the belittling, the aggression and the pure nastiness itself that does the damage, it is the fact that the person the victim used to be has gone and left a shell behind. You have to see it to believe it.

Anything can set these bullies off. It could be that you went to the hairdressers without permission, it could be that you didn't put enough butter on his bread or that you spoke to someone he didn't approve of. Result...a smack in the face, a beating, a stony silence that goes on for days, a cut in house-keeping, a ban on speaking to family members...the list is long. It takes a brave person to cut the ties that bind.

My niece had reached breaking point and she locked herself and her daughter in the bedroom after he had got himself in to yet another drunken rage. She called the police and was escorted out of the house to safety. The divorce papers are due this month. She has made a new life away from this bully thank goodness, the only drawback is that the little daughter wishes to see her father so complete cutting of ties is not possible as yet.

i had an estrangement from my daughter for several years. oh, i'd get a birthday card and present, also christmas but i didn't see them for quite some time.
after several years i found out that they were having problems and she "separated" from him but was still living in the same house. i didn't know the circumstances at the time as i didn't go and visit them [i had very bad arthritic knees and couldn't walk down their steep drive].
almost three years ago i found out about the separation and saw more of both my daughter and grandaughters however in may two years ago the girls were removed from the marital home and placed with me owing to circumstances too complicated to go into here. my daughter came too and we now all live in my little two bedroomed home.
it turns out that my son in law was keeping my daughter short of money - so short that she had to beg him for money so she could go and buy food for the girls. he would go to work every morning and take more and more money out of their joint account and spend it on himself.
she was suffering from anxiety and stress and depression two years ago and cannot even drive past their house. i'm hopeful that she will soon be able to get to a solicitor and start divorce proceedings but this is something she has to decide to do on her own.
b0dhiTree you have my sympathy and i hope that you can be strong. hopefully your daughter, like mine, will be able to leave her husband - it takes so much to decide to do this but sooner or later it will happen.
until that time hopefully you'll be able to send her and your grandson birthday and christmas cards and maybe even a small token present [maybe you could put some money into an account for your grandson] and just try to carry on as normal. it is hard but hopefully you'll get through it and your daughter and grandson will be able to communicate with you again and you'll have a good relationship.