Estrangement / Cut off Mum

Thank you Wabisabi. It sounds as if this is not a subject appropriate to bring up. I think it's a shame as there are people in this position and, like everyone else, would welcome support or advice.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wabisabi - Thank you for your insightful comments. I know women who have difficulties with their AC and thought it might be an interesting or useful topic and did not think that people might be judgemental. Would this possibly something to bring up in a new discussion?

The question is what is unkind or selfish in regard to a CO of toxic ? My under 40's are very kind and unselfish, but they don't condone toxic behaviour.

My experience of most under 40`s is that they dislike unkind, selfish behaviour in anyone - including their contemporaries (just as most over 40`s do)

As are you. Questioning, while not trying to understand why under 40's hate toxic behaviour.

N is doing the same sort of thing on another thread.

Then you define courtesy, using your method. My DD2 defines courtesy as polite, something toxic people don't receive from her, they receive nothing. Blank, absence, neutral, nothing. Not a bad condition.

The definition, by words hasn't changed much, but by the under 40's it has.

I'm finding it hard to follow you norah.
In your post of 15.58 you said I find that many people younger than 40 define courtesy, respect, and decency differently than you

Then at 17.40 you say Courtesy or manners haven't really changed by definition that much. It's rather confusing.
I'm not sure who your reference to 'that sort of niggling' was directed to, but if it was to me, my question wasn't intended as a niggle.
It was a genuine enquiry about how in your opinion, and those of the under 40's, respect and courtesy had changed.
Personally I think respect has to be earned, but courtesy is deserved.
Respect can of course be forfeited, but I think it's never wise to treat others without courtesy.

I don't believe my under 40's define polite (courteous) to include being around toxic people just because it was always done that way.

MIL put up with her MIL is not a reason to do likewise, and doesn't define courtesy anyway.

I doubt they use a dictionary. And it's that sort of niggling that sets my under 40s off. Courtesy or manners haven't really changed by definition that much. The idea that CO parents deserve better is the bit that's off for most under 40s.

I'm interested in your comment that under-40's define courtesy and respect differently from their parents' generation norah.
How is it diffferent?
Has a new dictionary come out that I'm unaware of?

celebgran "Norah it's not payback to expect common courtesy, respect just basic decency how we treat those we care about? Even those we don't are entitled to modicum of human Decency surely?"

Probably your definition of decency is at odds.

I find that many people younger than 40 define courtesy, respect, and decency differently than you.

It's easy to see how people become angry with young people over definitions when the elders won't accept new ways and notions and insist on living in the past.

"a mother's curse is to always love her C no matter what"

Unfortunately, unconditional love isn't a given in all situations. My mother has always referred to me as her 'best friend', but it's something of a one-way street. If I do as she wants and never disagree with her, she loves me very much. If I respectfully disagree with her or take a different course of action to what she thinks best, she stops speaking to me for days at a time. Maybe she still loves me during these times, but it doesn't feel like it.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Moira a mother's curse is to always love her C no matter what, so no co's from mother's side.

Pay back, pay back, it's NOT payback it's LOVE for your Mum & Dad, LOVE for your sisters & brothers Love for your family that you should always care about, be there for, protect and honour and above all LOVE!

Is there anyone here estranged because they found their AC's behaviour too difficult to cope with, so cut off contact themselves? There are some young adults whose behaviour is impossible to deal with, maybe because of personality disorder or drugs/alcohol, and I wondered how many parents cut off these children as they could no longer cope with them, especially if there are no grandchildren involved.

Norah it's not payback to expect common courtesy, respect just basic decency how we treat those we care about ?

Even those we don't are entitled to modicum of human Decency surely?

Smileless2012 "Of course you didn't expect anything back for being a loving, caring and supportive mum SparklyGrandma as anyone with any common sense would realise."

Question. Why reference being a loving, caring, support mum; if you don't expect pay back?

Oh bless I Eddie at I agree but have appt with dr who owns practice nextmwed so think will wait til then and ask her she is lovley so hope she can tell me, dh says don't put her back up but I think she should know what awful manager she has got

Celeb - sorry you are having such a difficult time - would it be possible to actually go into your doctor`s surgery and sort it out face to face? No need to make a fuss - just quietly stand your ground until someone gives you a proper answer so you know for sure what is going on.

Oh smilelss that wonderful can totally understand that

It's very like how I feel with my dear nephews wife isn't it? She makes me feel like normal human being valued and it's a good feeling

Just to get a little messaged mondaymwhile stressing at hospital it sure does help.

Sadly I still feel low had good day yesterday today. Not so good made enquiries ipswich hospital have shorter waiting times, but,seems like practice manager at my surgery wants to block that, tho gp has agreed, seeing her next week we shall see.
Long story? I rang asked them yesterday to pass message onto gp theynrang me back today sadly couldn't understand receptionist so rang back different one said gp is referring me oh dear I rang agsin to tell them name person whose secretary I spoke to.
Next practice manager rings very agressive imsaid all been sorted, shensaid no it hasn't blah blah am afraid I told her I was ending conversation

Sorry about,that rant.

'Actions speak louder than words'. Our ES has never said we are not good enough to have contact with our GC but his refusal to allow contact says it all.

We had a 'phone call from the son of two of our dearest friends. We've known him since he was 12 and had a lovely long weekend with him, his wife and 2 children in Las Vegas last year.

They're coming back to the UK next week to have their baby son who was born last December christened and have asked us to be God Parents. I have no doubt whatsoever that our terrible experiences over the last 4 years had some bearing on their request. They are horrified at the way we've been treated, all too aware at how devastated we are to have lost our son and GC.

In honouring us in this way, in trusting us with the spiritual welfare of their youngest son they have validated us as human beings, they have shown us that we are good enough and words cannot express the joy this has brought.

Inrealised when s imlaw rang godparents to cut them off that it wasn't just us

The enormity of situation hit us then