Estrangement / Cut off Mum

It's called love Norah A mother would do and sacrifice all for her beloved off-spring. I am on my own, earning a small income, but doing work I love, even so, when I inherited from my M&D I shared it with my daughter's & Son, why? because I love them and would have thought they loved me back.

I read all the other posts yesterday, but didn't have time to reply, think it was Sparlygran that said she hired a holiday cottage for her now estranged S&family to have a break away together but was then 'cut out', did you go on your own in the end or is it upcoming? if so go with some friends and enjoy.
I did the same thing for my now estD, if only she had come along, just her &C, I think the fog would have lifted from her brain and none of this estrangement would have taken place! It was whilst I&ND were away, that they [estD&H] had their big argument leading to our estrangement, still don't know what the argument was about, maybe my D saying she would have liked a little holiday with her M&S

celebgran

"Norah we would all hope our offspring would have the decency to respect us and appreciate sacrifices we made for them, it's called manners?" I disagree.

Norah we would all hope our offspring would have the decency to respect us and appreciate sacrifices we made for them, it's called manners?

I had lovley mum but my dad died when we were young she couldn't afford for me even do my a levels I didn't expect her to support me, however I was happy to care for her until she died because I loved her, it's not a tit for tat basis where love is involved, but I was happy to repay all her love and care.

Did you not realise that?

Of course sparklygran like rest of us doesn't do her best for her kids expecting to get it back who would ? What a strange agressive remark,

Thanks goodness i didn't expect help and support from my ed now I am ill, as its her brother who we did far less for who is there for us,
Life is strange,

I`m sure Sparkly didn`t give to her son (financially and emotionally) because she was expecting something in return. But after she has given so much support it`s not unreasonable for her to hope he would have grown up to appreciate what she had done

SparklyGrandma You don't mean to say you only gave to your DS for what you could receive back from him?

The energy I put into my DS in his late teens and early twenties, getting him into uni, paying fees, transport etc....I would have hoped would have meant we would be close.

Thank you celebgran and * Smileless2012* for your kind comments about giving DS and DiL money - that you think it might not have made a difference if I had continued.

The pain when the estrangement first happened was astounding but somehow I survived.

The energy I put into my DS in his late teens and early twenties, getting him into uni, paying fees, transport etc....I would have hoped would have meant we would be close.

I think Yorkshiregel, you are looking back through rose-tinted glasses. Remember mortgage interest rates of over 10%? Current house prices would plummet if mortgage interest rates want up to the rates we considered normal. Remember 'Cathy come home'? The story of homelessness and how easily a family could find themselves homeless? It is nothing new.

We both had the benefit of a good education at state expense and good careers, but money for cars and holidays? We have only once or twice owned a car less than 5 years old and when our children were young, holidays were as inexpensive as we could make them, we were never reduced to camping, but caravans, swapping and borrowing houses from friends and relations and out of season holidays were all part of the mix - and we had wonderful holidays and many happy memories.

I am not trying to plead poverty, but I think this idea of a 'lucky generation' is misleading, Yes, house prices have rocketed - but only as interest rates have gone down. At one point half our income went to the Building Society. But educational opportunities were fewer, the poor were far poorer because benefits were less extensive. Pensioners being found dead in cold unheated houses, was not shocking, it happened too often. And we lived under the shadow of the bomb, now it is the shadow of global warming, but the control of that is within each persons power, the fear of global extermination is not.

Mimofmadboys what lovely post, i do so hope one day will hear from my daughter and don't go to my grave estranged, but if I do I am the peace with myself,

Thanks too yo rkshiregel like smileless we struggled a lot when kids were small we scrimped and saved every penny counted when we bought our home where we still live, I made sure the kids never went without good food and proper shoes and clothes,

When my aunt died and left us a large sum then we were able to afford holidays abroad etc and I loved to be able to treat the kids,

I sincerely hope with time these relationships will heal. It could happen to anyone. Try and 'travel hopefully'. If these relationships do mend I am sure there will be no explanation. Something might just trigger them to get in touch one day . Hope you will be there with open arms. I am so sorry you have to go through all this hurt It must be agonising. Hope the future is brighter.xx

Yes, we have been a 'lucky' generation in many ways Yorkshiregel but when our boys were young, we had very little disposable income.

My friends and I had our own Christmas club, we'd put some money away each month so there was enough for presents and all the other expenses Christmas brings. I had a tin for bills, a tin to save money each month so we could have a holiday which was 2 weeks away in our caravan. Things were often tight but we always managed and the boys never went without.

When our financial situation improved we were happy to help out when we could. Our DS often tells us how grateful he is for the financial assistance we gave him when he was at Uni. You don't help because you want their thanks, although it's nice to know you're appreciated, but you certainly don't expect it to be thrown in your face and turned into something nasty like just wanting to have control.

If our ES had any self respect he'd repay the money we have in their house. TBH I'd rather live in rented accommodation than continue to live in a house, I could never have had without the money my parents and uncle invested, who I no longer want anything to do with.

I too am ashamed of our ES Celeb; I was once so proud of him but he's no longer the man he used to be and certainly doesn't behave the way he was raised.

So very sorry for all those who are thinking of themselves as 'estranged grandparents/parents'. Who was it that said 'Love hurts'? Reading this thread is quite upsetting I find. People being dumped for what? Trying to help out!

I think you can love too much then it becomes suffocating. I thank God that I do not have to face the day knowing that one or all of my children cannot bear to be around me. Or that I will not be allowed to see my GCh grow up.

I would say that maybe we should be a bit more selfish ourselves and use our money to have a comfortable life, but that is easy to say. When your children are in trouble it is instinctive to want to help them out. Perhaps guilt plays a part and it makes them blame you for being weak instead of themselves for being selfish? Or maybe they are jealous because they know they could never afford what people born in the 60s have.

I think we were the lucky generation. No trauma such as the two world wars; money to buy our houses; money to buy cars; money to go on holiday. Youngsters today have to watch what they spend their money on and can only dream of those things.
Life seemed so simple in the 60s. Everything is so expensive these days.

I hope some kind of solution can be found anyway and I wish everyone who is suffering good luck for the future.

So damn annoying lost my post again!

Gist of it was our son who is more clever than anyone has a right to be bless him and doesn't really judge others yet he said from the start our daighter was pure evil to take our adored baby Grandaughter 9 months old away from us after we had fallen In love with her, he said it was beyond cruel and lur daughter was despicable.
We were besotted grandparents.

I totally agree, yet still time felt he was being harsh, I. NEver dreamt our daughter would keep this apparent hatred up but she has.

For whatever reason and we hav evidence our s i law calls the shots, there is a distinct feeling we were used for all she needed.

No way would she have cut us off while I was working to pay food money into her account each month for 4 years at uni, and her dad driving her 400miles round trip each term time,
We were well and truly made us of.

Because she was a needy very emotional highly strung girl we had to give her so much emotional support as well as financial.

Her brother was far more independent and so sorted by the army as he jôined the
Them as an officer before going to Cambridge. There were times we ever even knew what country he was in.
I could never have dreamt he would be our rock there to care for us while she discarded us in wouldn't t have believed anyone If they had predicted that.

Life is strange, and all this lovey Dovey top show from our daughter was totally insincere I can see that now.

Yes smileless our money is good enough but we are t, strange that.
After she sent us solicitor letter siting my drpession from 15 years ago as being reason we could t see mxxxxx solicitor responded by asking after telling her that was t a valid reason, if she felt comfortable accepting all money house deposit, bathroom revamp, car etc etc or would she prefer to pay us back

The answer came back yes they were gifts no intention paying us back

What a wonderful lady I gave birth to I feel deeply ashamedof her and how she has treated her godparents and relatives. Where did I go wrong raising her?
My sister says I gave her too much and it was never enough possible I expect.

When our son and his then fiancee needed a home we bought a house in their home town - they paid us rent (when they could afford it). DIL later announced that she wasn`t going to see us again as "we had never liked her". We asked why on earth we would have invested in property so she and our son could live together if we hadn`t liked her - no answer to that one

When ES told Mr. S. he saw our investment only as our desire to have control, Mr. S. replied 'well pay it back then'; of course they haven't. We're horrible people, not fit to have any contact with our GC but they'll keep hold of our money.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't. The money that we along with my brother invested in our ES's first house (before he met her), to furnish him with a deposit to get him on the housing ladder was transferred into the house they now live in.

At the time so gratefully received but now regarded as only being given as a means to control them. Mr. S. told our ES just over a year into our estrangement, that the real issue was he'd taken everything we've ever done with the best of intentions and turned it into something bad.

For what it's worth SparklyGrandma I don't thing in the long term it would have made any difference if you'd kept giving financial assistance. Once they've decided you're out, you're out and there's nothing you can do about it.

Ohnsparkly so sorry that was a shame to waste the holiday.

Money is dodgy isn't it?
Sadly we had evidence our daughter wrote a list of fors and against about cutting us off ??one reason against was the money I gave her. It really upset me as I was so naieve I never thought of it like that, I wanted to help her I loved her so but,I really didn't think she was using me.

How stupid was I?

I think we would have been cut off before if she hadn't. Needed so much help financially. I wonder now if she ever cared about,us,at all and it seems unlikely,
I don't think anyone who actually cared about,their mum would not care if she was ill do you ?

There was a huge pretence of not accepting our cheque but of course they did,
Never mind but my trust in other People is now seriously affected.

celebgran you have mentioned something I have wondered about, during my ongoing estrangement from my DS DiL DGC, money. Maybe I was wrong but in the last year of contact, I had booked and paid for a week away for all of us (I asked DiL to pick cottage) but I had also said I could not give them money regularly anymore. DS was 27 at this point.
Maybe I should have kept giving them money? I also have wondered if part of DS estrangement is him protecting me at the beginning from possibly DiL anger because I had said about giving money?

I will never know. And maybe nothing would make the difference. The holiday I paid for - they stopped contact 2 weeks before, I think they have never intended coming. What a waste.

Rhinestone where have U been on Holiday?

So sorry it still painful ref dh text being ignored
We have no mobile contact for our daughter
However she ignored her birthdayncard and little note I put in telling her how scarey it was to be in so much pain for so long.

Hard to believe this was someone. I gave birth to who used to at least pretend to love us, or was that just until we provided all the cash she needed, it does sadly seem. Likely.

Damn lost my reply?
I wanted to say thank you glammanana what a lovely post. It is people like yourself who have empathy that helps us unfortunately estranged parents and Grandparents survive.

I do agree that the level of nastiness by 2 posters is hard to fathom and also even harder why their vile posts are not removed just an inadequate reprimand from cari.

However as smileless says we are used to it cropping up now and again

Thank you glammananna for Remembering it was very raw grief for me 5 years ago when I joined.

I have begun to heal but of course it will always hurt me but like smileless I try so hard to carry on with life.

Hope life good for you at moment?

Well I can see his point of course Fairydoll but we'll miss you terribly; it does get rather addictive doesn't it.

See my post re Trolls on the AIBU

Would try and repost but DH not happy that I'm logging onto Gransnet while we're away..

Yes, it's very*glammanana*; thank you for your post.

b0dhiTree who started this particular thread hasn't posted for some time and one can't help but wonder if it's because she's been deterred from doing so because of the nastiness.

This topic is extremely emotive for those who find themselves estranged and for those who for very good and understandable reasons have estranged themselves.

It's understandably hard for people who are fortunate enough not to be estranged from those they love, or have made the difficult decision to walk away from their parents, to understand the pain and utter devastation either scenario causes. That said, a lack of personal experience is no excuse for some of the awful posts that have been made.

I've been on GN for more than 4 years and began by posting on the original thread on this topic when it was on the AIBU forum. It was moved to 'Relationships' in the hope that the nastiness would stop. An entire thread was deleted by GNHQ because the cruelty of some of the posts was becoming intolerable.

I occasionally receive PM's from estranged mum's who stopped posting on the open forum because they felt they were being attacked.

When I first found the original thread I was so relieved that we weren't the only ones, that there were kind and caring ladies I could 'talk' too who truly understood what we were and continue to go through.

The regular posters who keep the other estrangement thread going are determined not to be deterred. Sadly, we've become used to the nastiness that erupts from time to time but that doesn't make it any easier or less painful to endure.

What a shock to stumble onto this topic with some of the most unsympathetic comments that I have ever read on GN during the nearly 5 yrs I have been a member.A & B I hope you never have to endure this yourselves,how sad it must be to have no feeling for others.
Remembering with sadness celebgrans devastating pain when we first started discussions and the evidence from others was that the problem is much more widespread than first thought,some have been lucky and have had relationships repaired but others are still sadly cut off from loved ones,I'm not understanding why posters are being so nasty GN was never like this,open and straight to the point but never any nastiness.

Good to see your post Rhinestone. Hope you enjoyed your holiday; what did you get up too? Or perhaps you just sat around for 5 weeks, eating too much cheese, gaining weight and not being bothered to walk anywhere.

Don't know what we'd do without you either.

I don't know if Araarbra is estranged from anyone, but if not well the mind boggles.

eddiecat.

Celebgran I haven't been on here as we are on a vacation for five weeks soaking up the sun and I haven't been able to read everyone's posts. Today is my DH birthday and tomorrow is our last grandchilds the one we are estranged from. I was having a bad day yesterday about this and about my ESS not responding to DH get well text.
Of course birthday party pics were posted yesterday too. That did not help.
But I have been here for two years and don't know what I would do without you all.
I hope you are feeling better and in a few days I will have more time to read. Sending some