Estrangement / Cut off Mum

Araabra with all due respect I think you are talking utter rubbish and it is likely to be very hurtful to people who are estranged from their families.

I think heartache is very different from a gloomy attitude.

Rubbish. Of course hobbies, a full active life and distractions work to dispel a gloomy attitude.

Araabra, you seem to think being denied contact with a GC can be pushed out of your mind by 'doing other stuff'. I might try that with a toothache, but believe me, it doesn't work for heartache.

The only thing the OP can do is to just keep going, putting one foot in front of the other, enjoy the love of her DS's family and never ever give up hope.

bOdhitree, tiny steps, a day at a time. I do sometimes try to just let it wash over me. Hugs xx

Smiley I am suggesting "being denied contact with ones GC is a small storm." if life priorities are in order and hobbies, interests, and other family are in place.

Ginny, it definitely sounds like sil has deep issues. Can you honor dd's request? I know you're dgs' gm and this is "crazy," but would it be better not to see him and dd? Think about it. (((Hugs)))

Madmeg, one problem with these boards is that we only know what the poster is telling us. They could have seen their relationship with their dd or ds or whoever as "close," but dd or ds might have seen it differently.

But bodhi, I don't think that's the case with you. Sil reads her mail? She refused to write that letter to you? Definitely sounds like something bad is going on there. Sorry to have to say that.

But if she's not on board, why would you get a PIN if you contacted her? I don't get it.

Anyway, congrats on your coming baby! Enjoy your time with ds and family and just be ready to be there for dd if she comes to you.

Small storm? No, I don't think so, Araabra! I would be devastated if I were cut out of my GC's lives! No small storm that!

But I get the advice to keep busy and fill life with other things. I doubt it would ever fill the void, but it's bound to help a little.

"weather small storms with ease". You cannot seriously be suggesting that being denied any contact whatsoever with ones GC is a small storm Araabra

Madmeg "Not everyone is strong, capable, confident enough to fill their lives with so much that GC are almost unimportant, and you will probably say you didn't mean that, but that's certainly how it comes across."

"I would drop any of my hobbies immediately if they needed me. It's called love."

You are spot on, I didn't say our GC are unimportant. We have full, active, busy lives. We do drop activities when need be, not for every tittle. I expect GPs who have a life outside GC weather small storms with ease.

Merely an opinion.

What you describe in your post Madmeg can also happen to men who marry controlling and emotionally abusive women.

We had an excellent relationship with our son until his marriage and when you said "That realisation must be terrible for a mother and grandmother to bear", you expressed it exactly. It's terrible for mothers and fathers, grandmothers and grandfathers.

I hope one day that our ES son recognises that this situation isn't normal. Mr. S. comes from a large family; there are several aunts, uncles and cousins that our ES has cut out of his life and the lives of his children. Two great grandmothers as well as grandparents and her own parents seem to be 'in' one minute and 'out' the next. He remains in contact with his brother but I can see that relationship becoming increasingly strained.

His eldest child is 5, maybe he's already made the connection that uncle ....'. mummy and daddy are daddy's mummy and daddy because they're brothers. Our dear son has told us that he's already had a conversation with his brother regarding what he'll say about us if either of those children ask him. He'll say he loves us very much, that we are kind and loving people who gave him a wonderful childhood; that we were and are great parents.

Not something our ES or his wife are going to want their children to be told.

I have some recent experience of this situation so can truly empathise. I wrote extensively on this site and received so many helpful and supportive responses which helped me deal with a terrible time. Like you, I had been close to my DD and was very involved with my DGS so the arrival of a controlling man into their lives caused havoc and I was heartbroken when she cut off all contact because he he didn't like me, DH, DS or any of DD's friends. My DD is no fool but this man managed to - somehow- get into her head and I suspect that is what has happened in your case.
What did I do? Well, I tried to engage with the BF; invited them for meals etc. Nothing. I spoke to DD on her own but she was very defensive and he didn't like her meeting me alone. After she ceased contact I wrote to her apologising for any offence I had caused ( difficult to do) but still nothing. I tried to get on with my life but I just knew that things were wrong so I made an application under Clare's Law and it transpired that BF had a police record for Domestic Abuse. DD eventually ended her relationship but it was still tricky as he did not take it well. A few weeks on, I now know the extent of the abuse but there is probably going to be a court case so will not elaborate. DD and DGS are currently living with us and relationships are - slowly- being rebuilt.
Throughout the dark months, I never totally gave up hope so please don't despair. Look up Clare's Law- the police were very supportive. Lean on friends both in real life and on here. I wish you all the best?

I live in Canada. My sister, who lives in the UK, sent me this article.
"Petitioners for the grandparents' rights will head to Parliament tomorrow to lobby for a change in the law. Currently, if a marriage breaks down, grandparents are faced with the prospect of never seeing their grandchildren again, unless they embark on a lengthy court process.
If you have you been separated from your grandchildren, we would love to speak to you, so why not get in touch? Drop us an email to [email protected] with your name and contact number."

Madmeg

I agree. I don't think Araabra has any real experience of this topic.

It's ok to offer text book advice, but that's all it is.

There are many grandparents (including myself) who have full and active lives but their children and grandchildren are also paramount. As you say - it's called love.

Hello Everyone. I can't thank you all enough for your comments. I cannot contact them in anyway. My son was expecting his first baby and I decided to try and build bridges. I sent three postcards (sil opens her letters) to arrive when she would, hopefully, see them first. The first simply said 'Miss you, love you, love Mum'. The other two brief message about a film I saw and the last about a bike ride and added 'hoe you are well'. It backfired! He saw them and after I sent 3 he reported me to the police for harassment! Legally 3 pieces of unwanted communication whether the recipient tells you they don't want them or not is a criminal offence. I have no idea what lies sil told the police for them to act BUT the police asked my daughter twice to write a note saying she didn't want any contact from me and SHE REFUSED! What does that tell me? I haven't been served with a Personal Information Notice (PIN) but I would if I contacted her. I am 70 and I have only had one speeding ticket and two parking tickets in my life I am not going to risk a criminal offence. It was very traumatic I am doing positive things and my son is now expecting a second child and I love having a good relationship with my DIL and son and even better they live close. So very good to know I am not alone. x

Araabra, I think you lack any experience of people with REAL life problems. Not everyone is strong, capable, confident enough to fill their lives with so much that GC are almost unimportant, and you will probably say you didn't mean that, but that's certainly how it comes across. I don't see my GC very often, 3 or 4 times a year, and lead a very full and active life, but they, and their parents are nevertheless the most important things I have. I would drop any of my hobbies immediately if they needed me. It's called love.

There are some very strange responses to this sad and difficult problem, and I wonder why.

I might be wrong, and hold my hands up if I am, but a woman who has previously had a close relationship with her mother (and presumably other family members) doesn't suddenly CHOOSE to abandon it. The coincidence of a marriage (and everything was presumably fine before it) with the withdrawal of contact points almost 100% to emotional abuse by the husband. That realisation must be terrible for a mother and grandmother to bear, but it happens more often than we know.

To the poster who said the daughter had colluded in the decision, I am sorry, but abused and bullied women don't get a choice to collude or not, they simply daren't or can't go against their husband's wishes.

But what can be done? Bodhi, do you have any contact with other people where your DD lives? Would it be worth a phone call to someone you feel comfortable talking to about this? I know it's five hours away, but could you envisage making a surprise visit on a day when you know your DD will be home alone and see if you can talk to her. Don't ring her, cos the phone will likely record the fact,and that could cause issues.

Now, all is not lost, necessarily. Your daughter needs to realise for herself that this situation is not "normal", and therefore needs to seek help for herself. The best people to contact are Womens Aid, so arm yourself with their phone number before you visit. They will give her advice on what to do if she eventually realises that this relationship is toxic. But as I said, all is not lost. If her husband is basically a decent man, he might not realise that his behaviour is controlling or abusive. He might be not a very strong person himself and not coping with normal behaviour. He TOO can be helped to realise how his behaviour is unhealthy and unkind for everyone. It will take time, I know, a close friend of mine is 5 years along the route of sorting out her marriage, but her husband is a changed man, and although they have been separated for most of those 5 years, the hope for the marriage survival is great. He had cut her off from her family, her friends, due to his own insecurity. He has learnt a lot through counselling and advice and fingers crossed that this year will be the year he moves back in with her and their children.

But first, the wife had to recognise that controlling behaviour is not "loving" at all, and she needs to be strong enough to say so, whilst still affirming that she loves her man, as my friend did.

I hope it all works out for you. Such horrible things usually do given time. But I know you don't want to miss out on a grandparent's or parent's pleasure, and I hope you don't for long.

Much love and sympathy, but stay strong and calm, offer what advice you can, and then step back.

If the DO seek help you will be much needed as a shoulder to cry on or a person to scream at during the times when it all gets very hard for everyone, and you will have to be a rock for your DD. Never take sides, this man must have good points for your daughter to have chosen him, but sadly they aren't surfacing right now.

And no, you are not an unsuitable grandparent whatever than implies.

Good luck.

Fairydoll "it would seem that focusing on one's own interests would be counter productive to being a good GP."

I disagree. Good GPs, in my opinion, have many outside interests and ways to fill their time, GC being a mere part of a full life.

I understood that you were quoting another poster.

However, having read your posts on the other thread, it would seem that focusing on one's own interests would be counter productive to being a good GP.

Just an opinion..

I am sorry I forgot the attribute LumpySpacePrincess "Focus on your own needs, engage positively with life, who knows what the future will bring."

Quite wise advice, that.

Araabra

Focus on your own needs

Is that not your interpretation of 'toxic.'

I've just read through some of your opinions on the AIBU thread.

Yorkshoregirl quite right what you have said

Araabra you haven't a clue what your talking about!

Boddhitree I'm in the same sad boat as you, so completely understand your situation Hope you get your DD&GS back soon, hope I get mine back too!

focus on your own needs, engage positively with life, who knows what the future will bring. Very good advice, what else can be done.

I felt so sad reading your post,*b0dhiTree*. Your daughter must be missing you too. Do you have any contact with her - text, email, cards etc? Perhaps you could arrange to just meet up with her? I'm sure she'll know she can always count on you. Big hugs and

She may well be in an abusive relationship and unable to have a relationship with you at the moment. You have done all you can, focus on your own needs, engage positively with life, who knows what the future will bring.