Estrangement / Cut off Mum

Good post nina

If we ever get to meet for that coffee you might find we have more in common than I choose to post on a public forum.

Fair enough. What this shows me is that while my intentions are always good in trying to help others, the estrangement topic is unhealthy in itself and it does trigger pain and anger. If this is triggered further by those who are not estranged and therefore don't need to comment on an estrangement thread but open their mouths anyway, they should prepare for a fiery response.
But in any case, this is a timely reminder for me to not be brought back into the dark hole of estrangement. Life above it is far brighter. I just feel so sorry for others and hope my posts have in some way been a comfort.

Cheerio, stay strong and keep on moving forwards in your own lives. xxx

Or thar 'they did it first' or 'they deserve it' mentality.

FFS rise above it.

I can (just about), understand that gut reaction nina but what I don't understand is the mindless lynchmob-mentality of the responses.

Anya

Have you never seen 'vulgar' and cruel posts on an estrangement thread by posters who are not themselves estranged? Like a gang of vultures they swoop in and attack those in pain.

That sort of behaviour is reminiscent of playground tactics.

It's rare for me but I've come to realise that occasionally online, it's the best way to answer purely because I myself get fed up of posts from those who see themselves as perfect while lording it over others.
To be honest, I don't spend a great deal of time on forums. When I do, it's with the hope I can make a difference in the life of some poor lost soul looking for comfort.
I have no problem telling those who make comments otherwise to either put up or shut up.

If that makes me wrong in some way well I don't believe I'm remotely as vulgar or rude as some on here.

Surprised at the vulgarity and nastiness of your 06.34.08 post. Nina after such a great previous post. Why should anyone think that's worth lots of emoticons?

It's almost like joining in the playground fight.

Nina

And so say all of us! .

Sometimes I surprise myself with what springs into my own mind. And then it slips out into a post. xx

nina1959

Ilovecheese and Norah, why don't you both go and play on another thread? Your heads are so far up your asses you're not helping and I get the impression you're enjoying getting off on the outpouring here by pretending your perfect. Glass houses?

Without getting caught up in all the politics there is enough evidence now to show that cutting a relative off, with the exception of a history of abuse, is a confirmed trend NOT caused by the parents, but by a current hostile and selfish attitude often as a result of the individual way in which people live today. It's all about them, living life now and instant gratification. It's sad but my message to all those affected is to stand back and let them get on with it. It will all land back on them one day. Meanwhile there is a life afterwards.
Celebgran, myself and others can all confirm this.
I know it's very hard when you're in the middle of it and no, it doesn't make sense but the minute you start putting it down and picking up the threads of your own life again, you will start to head down a much kinder road.
How did I do it?
Well I had to reach the point of sheer disgust first. Once I felt disgust and stopped trying to fix things, (10 years on I might add, but really it was just an extension of how my family had always been), I decided to leave them all eating out of the same trough and focus on my own life.
That was a year ago. Back then I had reached rock bottom and was in a dark place. But I started to climb back and now I am feeling completely different. The world has taken on a whole new perspective.
I own a business so my main focus is on this, I also have a very good husband and plenty of friends. This was my starting point, counting my blessings and using these as my new foundation for new growth.
I couldn't help my anger which was justifiable, (who let's their mother sit in a Tesco Express car park eating a sandwich on Mothers Day???). But I've developed a new language. It starts with 'sod them'.
My advice is stop trying, stop pandering, feel your anger and let it motivate you forwards.
This is a societal sickness caused by selfishness. Just look at how self obsessed people are with their never ending selfies and posts all about them.
Let them go and go and start your life again. Find a passion that suits you and make it your purpose in life.
Do something new every week, go to a new place, meet new friends, learn how to enjoy life again.
Most importantly, don't become a slave to the estrangement band wagon. Yes, it might be where you are at the moment but don't stay on the bus. Get off and start embracing life again.
They do not deserve your tears or time.

ilovecheese all those things you mention are part and parcel of good family life ...but when someone is CO it does not always seem to be because they haven't done those things!!

Norah I hope mine don't either. I don't know if we can call it walking on eggshells. Isn't it just treating family with respect and courtesy and trusting their judgement.

This seems spot on, Ilovecheese, "but no, it would never have occcured to me to cut her out of our lives." The person who was raised (somehow related) is in charge of the co to their relative.

It seems as if lots of mils are co, at least as I hear, by a slow vague fade. No pronouncements. A quiet back away. Friends talk about strange silence, but never unpleasant screaming.

I certainly hope my children never decide to co. To that - I closely watch eggshells.

I have not personally known anyone who has been cut off by their inlaws, or the have themselves cut off their inlaws, but should any of my daughters be in this position, which they are not, I don't think I would try to influence their decision, as I would trust their judgement.
I also don't understand how you can decide to love someone just because they become part of your family. Respect yes, and show consideration, yes. But surely you either love someone or you don't, you can't choose to.
I never knew my husband's mother nor he mine, as we married later on in life. But I did have a mother in law once, and it was tricky, but no, it would never have occcured to me to cut her out of our lives.
This does not mean that I don't have a lot of sympathy for those of you who are in this situation, it must be heartbreaking.

Fairydoll2030 and Norah
I also consider my daughters to be my peers. I often ask for their views and opinions and respect them. When people are tried by "a jury of their peers" no extra weight is given to the older members of the jury as regards the verdict.

Yogagirl yes, my husband and I have parents.

GC have 3 set of GP here (or did while our parents were alive).

Our sil did co their mums, I don't know them, they don't live near to me, I wouldn't know them at all. I am not in the practise of telling my daughters what to do in their dhs relationships.

I'm still not aware what people I don't know have to do with me. Not my business.

Well said Jalima & Chewbacca and I agree. I was friendly with my m.i.l and would never have even thought to cut her out, even when I divorced, it never entered my head as she is my C GM and has every right to continue to see them.

Norah your posts don't make sense

Norah said her D's co'ed their m.i.l's

So your talking about your parents Norah when you say 3 sets of GP and I agree with Celebgran & Nina If my ND ever talked about COing her m.i.l, I would point out how cruel that would be & I do have a relationship with my ND m.i.l. You sound like my nasty s.i.l's mother [equally nasty] with the 2 other GP being her m&d and her Husbands, all stepfamily to my precious GD, so as far as I'm concerned not her family.
Still to read last page...

This post got too OTT. But, I see where I left off sils. I am sorry.

To quote myself "Norah Wed 29-Mar-17 15:05:33 ..... nina1959 I think you make a very valid point. It works the other way to as well. I hear my dds talk, I know they have had a time getting on after co their mils. Getting on is key to being happy, imo."

I understand now, I left off the word sil. But really, nobody can co but the related person, thus this is obvious? My sils co their toxic mums (over different times). No effect to me whatsoever. My daughters did have a time of it, but they are getting on now very happily.

I probably should have read the whole thread first but it is late and I may have got completely the wrong end of the stick.

It is the general consensus in our family that my MIL was awkward, bossy and eccentric but we all loved her, other DIL had her sussed out more quickly than I did!

What's interesting about estrangement threads is that someone can suddenly appear who isn't a regular contributor (to this particular thread) and talks plain bloody common sense. (Jalima )

And yet, repeatedly, someone predictably appears who clearly has issues with their own mother/MIL, elicits no empathy for estranged parents and hovers like a vulture waiting to pounce.

The other thing is that they could become a good friend You're spot on there Jalima . My DIL's mother and I have become very good friends, outside of general family events and we've worked together, as a unit, to support DS, DIL and GC in times of emergencies and family difficulties. If at all possible, and I full acknowledge that it isn't always possible; fostering good family relationships, is better for your own children and grand children. Less friction = happier families all round.