Estrangement / Cut off Mum

Now I understand your posts Norah your daughter's have cut out their M.I.L's How strange is that, all your D cutting out their m.i.ls

Norah Are you saying that both your DDs have cut off from their MIL's? Sorry if I have misunderstood. It ha made me wonder if one influences the actions of another in families as several on GN threads have mentioned being cut off by more than one of their children

It's terribly hard for the parents that have been cut off. And although it's rampant behaviour, in no way is it normal to abandon a parent simply because it's more convenient or easier to just close the door. It's wicked, cruel behaviour that leaves a lasting impact. On Mothers Day, I talked to two mums who felt suicidal. The day brings such a loaded pressure that echoes the pain of estrangement.
Even I, and I am to all intents and purposes fairly used to it, ended up sat in a Tesco Express car park on Mothers Day eating a pre packed sandwich. My poor husband had tried so hard to make the day nice but there was nowhere to go where you couldn't see families all spoiling their mums.
I honestly do not know how an adult child can sleep at night knowing the heartbreak they've caused to a loving parent.
But if you do the research, which I have, you'll see it is mostly this 30 something generation.

In past generations there was scuffles, rifts and tensions but people kissed and made up. Nothing like today where AC simply ghost their parents out of their lives.

But enough about them. My advice is to look after you and try and build a life where you are appreciated and wanted. Often charity work helps in lots of ways. Just giving to someone in need is always a kind thing to do and it helps nurture us too. Just keep moving forwards and know there is a light at the end of it all.

Some people can cause an argument in an empty room and can find fault with the most innocent remark. Shouldn't have to put up with such diva behaviour. I will always regret my estrangement but it is honestly better than walking on eggshells and changing personality for someone who was behaving irrationally. It is the making of a new life without that person you loved so long that is hard, learning to like yourself after being continuously knocked back, but like Nina said it can be done and it is little steps but I am nearly there.

nina1959 I think you make a very valid point. It works the other way to as well. I hear my dds talk, I know they have had a time getting on after co their mils. Getting on is key to being happy, imo.

If it's any help to anyone here, I run a Facebook secret support group for estranged parents. By secret I mean it's not visible to find online and neither are the members. Most FB groups, even closed groups, the members are visible and this means their relatives can see which groups they belong to. It can cause problems hence our group is secret. It's only small, just a few of us. But we're all there to listen and offer words of comfort.

I've researched estrangement for 5 years and concluded that it's the age we're living in. For sure, in some cases where there has been abusive behaviour, some people have no choice but to steer clear. But in my experience, there is an epidemic of good parents not being just cut off and estranged but literally dumped by their AC who don't want to be bothered with them.
In the short term, the problem doesn't appear fixable especially if there is a third party in the mix controlling the situation.
So what I try and do is encourage parents to start their lives again by not focusing all their needs to be reliant upon their AC. It means looking at life through a different lens.
It's not easy. There are always birthday's Christmas, Mothers and Father's day to get through but there is also light at the end of the tunnel.
None of us know what we're capable of until we have to do it and I for one have rebuilt my life after my own family situation.

So, if any of you want more details, just PM me.

Of course I think one should be mindful of expressing an opinion that may cause offense norah, but I don't agree that a relationship that prohibits the expressing of views and or opinions, what ever they may be, for fear of them being over reacted too is a healthy relationship. Having personally experienced such a relationship I am relieved to be out of it and would never go back there again.
As for respect, it should be possible to respect another's point of view even if you don't agree with it.

Our DS and I have great debates on all kinds of subjects, often disagreeing and he certainly wouldn't expect me 'to firmly shut my mouth' or be loathed to listen and TBH I'd find that attitude extremely disrespectful.

Spot on GrannyRainbow; if someone is determined to cause a rift for eg with their in laws then everything that's said and done will be considered worthy of taking offense over. Taking offense because you said you missed our 'green and pleasant land' having commented on the beauty of your d.i.l.'s country illustrates how determined some of them are to be rid.

It is great that you continue to have a relationship with your DS and GC Fairydoll; seems that you are in a win win situation.

fairydoll glad you are able to see you son and grandchildren!

Madgran

We were only cut off from HER, not my son or DGS. I don't want to go into the details as I have posted those on GN before, but it was difficult at first because her lies about us caused problems between my son and his partner - and that worried us.
However I probably see more of my son than before and I would say we are closer too. We see our DGS regularly so it could be classed as a win win situation. Nevertheless, we cannot see into the future and things could change, who knows?

Fairydoll I can't imagine how anyone would take that remark as an insult frankly! Taking the point made about not knowing what might insult someone not raised from birth, I begin to wonder how any relationships are maintained atall. I'm not sure why raised from birth would be such a game changer!
Anyway. I am sorry you have been CO ...not having to watch every word, can't possibly make up for that.

My first post on the subject of innocent remarks disappeared off the screen at the end of my typing it and didn't show on the thread, hence I posted similar again.

Sorry ladies!

When my DGS was around a year old I made, what I considered to be an innocent remark, 'Isn't he developing into a real little personality?' After scowling at me my sons partner retorted, 'he's always had a personality!

I swear that if I said the weather wasn't too good she would take it as a personal insult. With some people you just can't win.

Her estranging herself has proved quite beneficial. We don't have to think about every single word that we utter. Happy Days.

Obviously a relationship with an adult child's partner will be totally different from the one between said AC and his/her parent....and as such will require a lot of level headed thinking. That is so obvious it's hardly worth saying. However, a relationship between a parent and an adult child where one fears being honest with the other is, in my opinion, a relationship with something missing.

As for the partners, if someone is determined to cause a rift, any and everything will be grist to their mill. My daughter-in-law cut me off because, travelling through her country, I commented that it was beautiful, but I personally missed our "green and pleasant land".

Not to worry Madgran ?

I find it wisest not to answer a question which hasn't been asked.

Anya the question mark got missed off by accident, but frankly its pretty obvious that is the question! No I did not ask directly for an explanation but the question suggests it ...still, never mind, maybe being obtuse is more interesting!!!

Or what their sensitivities are. I once made a joke about our comparative heights to my cousin's wife which she took badly. I had no idea she was sensitive about being small. I've always thought it must be lovely to be petite and feminine.

Fairydoll2030 I think "insult" is key, is it not?

I have no idea what may insult a person I have not raised up from birth.

What some DIL's may regard as an innocent remark, others (including my son's partner), may deem an 'insult.'

I once remarked to her that my DGS (about a year old at the time) was 'developing into a real little personality.' She scowled at me and responded, 'Well, he's always had a personality!'

OK, so that was me told. My remark was just an observation about a gorgeous little man. Ah well, since she cut herself off from us we don't have to think about every single word that comes out of our mouths.

I have opinions, but my daughters are loathe to listen. I firmly shut my mouth, just yesterday, regarding the ease of use differences between Stanstead and Gatwick. My DDs do have brains, though it may not seems so momentarily.

I think people think it's ok to express opinions to their children that they wouldn't express normally. Things like "You've put on weight." to son can be read as "You're not looking after him." by DIL. Or "I wouldn't have bought that table." "I've just tidied those papers up." "I don't think you should have any more babies." Things you wouldn't (I hope) dream of saying normally in the course of conversation.

I thought about this Smileless2012 "I think it's quite disturbing to read posts from m.i.l.'s who talk about walking on egg shells and keeping their mouths shut for fear of upsetting their d's.i.l. What a sad way to live, to be worried about having an opinion and expressing it for fear of causing a rift."

Don't you suppose in any good relationship respect - keeping ones mouth shut on upsetting topics, minding ones own business, and not expressing ones unwanted opinions is the way to go?

This is a brilliant place to express unwanted opinions, ask questions that one would never ask in real life, and wonder. But with in laws? Not so good.

Fairydoll2030 Thank you, that what I like to think as well.

Madgran' even though you didn't put a question mark in your post, I'll assume that the 'am I missing something' was the question you asked.

I did answer it. I said 'obviously' ...meaning that obviously you missed something which I read into a certain post. You didn't 'ask' for an 'explanation' and therefore I didn't give one.

nina1959

I agree with a lot you have said on your post above - trying to rebuild after estrangement and now accepting it will never mend, I am trying to increase areas such as hobbies and interests, but I also would never want to be treading on eggshells to appease AC ever again. My estDS warned me as soon as he met estDiL that she was sensitive but didn't take prisoners, and my presence was tolerated once a year for a weekend.

I am new to this group - new to GN but this area of post has been a real eye opener as I now know I am not alone in suffering this type of estrangement.

nina1969 - would love to join your support group.

Smileless2012 celebgran hello

No explanation then Anya!!!! It was a genuine question!!!