Estrangement / Cut off Mum

Madgran77

A truly empathetic post, all the more so because you are not CO yourself.

Restores my faith in human nature.

The hurt and pain that some Grandparents on this thread feel is palpable ...frankly "embracing differences" and "being laid back" and suchlike all sounds a bit glib ....some have given further details of what happened and clearly these "solutions" would not have impacted!!!! I count my lucky stars that I'm not in the CO position but I think very hard how to avoid that potential with my DIL who lacks confidence, had a dreadful relationship with her late mother which impacts on her view of behaviours from other women of similar age to what her mum would have been now ie me!!! So far my various strategies have worked but who knows!!! I really feel for those that this has happened to!

Not infrequently it can be the AC's partner who has no interest in seeing the Inlaws, thus the AC may be left with no option other than to go along with his/her wishes resulting in GP's being unable to see the GC. We know that GP's have no 'right' to see the GC (well, they can pursue through the court system but not ideal) and we know that parents are busy with careers, hobbies, friends and children etc etc BUT why deprive little ones of a precious relationhip with their GP's which has been proven to be mutually beneficial.

I never knew any of my grandparents because my mother cut them all out of her life as she was 'too busy.' The positive to come out of this was that I ensured my AC saw my inlaws regularly. Sadly, my mother was never interested. 'Too busy.'

I'm sure it is Smileless! Being laid back is one thing when AC are offering something but when they are not, very hard!

Just to explore , maybe what you felt was adequate meets was truly too many for them?

I have a daughter who is not the meet up sort, she has her own scheme on life. Like counting all Eddie Stowbart trucks, they're all so different. Embracing differences seems to help.

Well being laid back is easier said than done when faced with an AC who doesn't want to 'give' anything at all and totally cuts you out of theirs and their children's lives.

I think being laid back and not wanting more than AC want to freely give is the answer.

And yes, if people ask too much or too often I find no need to answer other than "no" and ignore the request. My daughters' dislike of nagging was learned

To ignore a perfectly reasonable request IMO is bad mannered, not normal Norah. You say your "daughters hate nagging and rather like to do the asking", that's all well and good when they do the asking.

For many EP's, they're never asked, their invitations are ignored and the silence is deafening. You "suppose that the meet up is viewed as a waste of precious time" well if that's how some AC view spending time with their own parents it's not unreasonable to assume it can be a precursor to them being CO all together.

As I've already explained, this was our experience and is the experience shared by many EP's.

I suppose Smileless2012 that the meet up is viewed as a waste of precious time and the asking is viewed as nagging. I know my daughters hate nagging, they rather like to do the asking.

It's not beyond me to ignore what I dislike, I find that normal.

I explained in my last post Norah that that's how it began with us and it's been a common factor for a lot of EP's and GP's. If you suggest a get together and the time suggested isn't convenient why not say so? Why ignore the suggestion?

Why do you suppose, Smileless2012, "CO often begins with GP's asking if they can see their GC and their inquiry being ignored." is an indication that a CO is in the cards not merely disinterest in meeting up more than once or twice a year? Time constraints, other activities, other friends, things to accomplish in limited time - other factors than a CO certainly factor in. People are busy and don't want to waste precious time more than necessary on disliked events.

The process of us being CO of our son's and GC's lives began in the same way as Rhinestone's friends Norah. The possibility of being CO often begins with GP's asking if they can see their GC and their inquiry being ignored.

Seeing GP's on specific occasions isn't I agree an indication that being CO is on the cards, but having requests for visits and/or family get together's ignored, sadly can be.

This is an odd theory (I hope you don't mind me saying), Starlady. "It does sound as if your friends are on the verge of being co. Do they see their dss' families on holidays? That might mean that their dss and dils have decided to go lc with them, seeing them only on specific occasions."

When did seeing GPs on specific occasions become a possible CO or LC situation?

It's the thread in Relationships with the long title about moving on etc. and living with estrangement. See you there soon.

Smileless Am I in the wrong place?
What is the other thread? I don't know where to go when one thread ends.

Hi again, Rhinestone! So sorry about your brother and that you and dh have been ill. Hope all are better soon.

It does sound as if your friends are on the verge of being co. Do they see their dss' families on holidays? That might mean that their dss and dils have decided to go lc with them, seeing them only on specific occasions. If they accept that, they'll probably be ok. If not, they could find themselves co.

Everyone has the right to show up to a public event. However, if the parents will be upset and a gp is not yet co or has a chance of reconciliation, it's probably better not to, imho. If there's "nothing left to lose,' then why not? Just my thoughts...

Good to see your post Rhinestone but sorry to hear you've been ill and your brother's in hospital.

I've told everyone on the other estrangement thread that you'd posted here. Hope you'll be able to pop on and say 'hello'; we've missed you.

Hi Everyone- Just a quick hello as DH and I have been ill since coming back from our time away. Brother in hospital too.
Two of my friends are not estranged but are one step away I suppose. They both tell me when they ask their DIL's if they can see the GC the DIL's say they will let them know and then never do. Or they will ask their sons if they could all get together on such and such date but they never get a call back until after such and such date citing some sort of reason why they didn't call back. My one friend says she stopped asking and just shows up to the GC events.
They are getting the crumbs they are thrown. What a strange world we live in today. What would happen if any of us showed up at a public event that our GC were at?

Yes, Granmary18, I believe my definition lines up with that of Starlady. Same approach to looking round at what upsets my daughters.

Norah yes I agree, I think our definitions of obnoxious are different.

Smilelss that is obviously from the heart.??

I think you absolutely right, it is continual hard struggle to try and rebuild life.

We have good friends about become grandparents first time in May, and mynneart aches remembering that short beautiful time we were grandparents

The devastating lost and sheer pain of losing ed and little xxxxxxx will never leave us.
Like you I don't know how I have come this far. I accept I am a strong determined character and I thank god every day for my son and other family members who do still love us.

Nina support group is totally private I can confirm that.

A frank and uplifting post nina. When an EP had a close relationship with their AC up to the point where they married then it is as you say not the parent that's the problem.

"I've had to let them go an rebuild my own shattered life". This is something we all need to do, and it's the hardest thing of all. We have to live with the enormous void that their departure from us has left behind and can never be filled.

I know the pain that losing an AC and GC through estrangement brings. I know the comfort that comes from having another child who remains in my life. My heart aches for those who've lost their only AC or in some cases all their AC because of estrangement.

Being able to share this awful experience with others who've also become estranged is invaluable. We can support one another through the dark days and share the aspects of our lives that continue to give us pleasure and joy.

Like you, I don't know what I'd say to our ES if he contacted us or how I would feel if he ever stood before me again and like you, I will never be at his mercy again. It's taken me 4 years to come this far and every ounce of my strength. TBH I don't know how I've done it but I do know I wouldn't be able to do it again.

Minty, I've always run a secret shelter group for abandoned parents. It's a Facebook group and while there are closed and open groups, there is the option to set the group to secret too. This means it's not visible online to anyone except the members. It's only a small group these days, if you live, eat and breathe the estrangement topic, you don't move on. But we're all friends and we all touch base and rant, share and support each other when we need to. If I see a lost soul out there struggling, I do invite them to join if they want to. We're all old hands at this estrangement issue now. x

A secret group seems like a great idea, but my only worry is as it is now on a public forum maybe its not secret anymore?

PS I have secret support group if anyone wants to join. N xxx