Estrangement / Cut off Mum

B0dhitree

I understand how you feel. I'm in the same position. I don't want to go into too much detail because Gransnet is an open forum and with these things, such personal details are better in a closed group.
Besides, I've been through it all, learned to live without them and rebuilt my life and in fact, have gone on to become really very happy so it is possible.

Firstly, if you had a good relationship with your daughter before she met her partner, the problem isn't you. He's clearly a controlling influence who has succeeded in forcing you out of your daughter's life. This kind of behaviour is rampant. I used to run an online group for parents and I can tell you now that in no way are you alone. This cutting off of parents is happening right across the board.

What can you do? Well in my experience, not very much. We're almost a delinquent society where the value of relationships has reached an all time low as far as family goes.

What I have learned is to record a family footprint for grandchildren, ie keep a written history of where they've come from, who's who, etc so that when they're older, they can connect back to their roots if they want to.

Then I've had to look after me. I've had to let them go and rebuild my own shattered life. I say shattered because this is where it leaves you. It's important to remember that family is only part of your life, not all of it. I had to put my family in a box in a cupboard and literally go out very bravely I might add, and just embrace life again. I'm lucky in that I have a business and I'm also a writer which keeps me busy. I've a very good husband, other family members, some are long lost, bedraggled ones that have only recently showed up, and I've got hobbies.
By weaning myself away from all the heartache, I've been able to heal.
I'm not sure what I'll say to my AC if I ever hear from them again but I know I will NEVER be at their mercy again and this is where you need to place yourself.

Joining a group is good so you can pour your heart out with others in the same boat for a while. But eventually you will need to find happier groups so that you don't stay immersed in continual grief. But slowly life will take on new meaning and you will evolve.

I truly know how you feel but I also really want to say don't let them pull you down. None of them are worth it. xxxx

I'm sorry Granmary18, I misunderstood. You and I define obnoxious behaviour differently.

Granmary, I think you make a very good suggestion. Whether Jayenna's friend would accept this or not the way your friend does is hard to know. But, imo, it is worth giving some consideration, Jayenna.

Marenn, my heart goes out to you. Bodhi doesn't seem to be here anymore, but others still are. (((Hugs)))

Well, I would find ott behavior obnoxious if there were a lot of ott actions and it was constant. Friend must have some redeeming qualities if Jayenna stays friendly with her. But, imo, friend's ott behaviors are, in fact, obnoxious. Whether Jayenna or dd think that, of course, we don't know.

I feel I live a parallel life b0dhiTree. Except it's my son and grandchildren who are estranged, not a daughter. You're not alone, I cry every day.

28th Feb 13.40 Good post Smileless

Obnoxious is a mumsnetter terminology aimed at poor grandmothers who have done a slight thing the mumsnetter dislikes, which doesn't make that action obnoxious to everyone else with a brain cell.

Have to agree with granmary maybe intrusive or ott but certainly obnoxious doesn't seem appropriate description for jaysnnas friend

Sorry I am not really following this but I too gave jolt when read obnoxious

All these guidelines for parents lucky we were more tolerant of our children s behaviour!

Norah I truly wasn't policing anyone ...not sure why it came over as that ...I didn't think you were referencing Jayanna! I think her friends behaviour is OTT and lacks self awareness as I said, but not sure I would call it obnoxious and as I don't think its obnoxious I think the response to it might be different ...and was suggesting a possible route for Jayanna. I certainly did not mean to upset/annoy you.

Think you misread Granmary's post Norah - she was, like you, referring to Jayanna's friend

Granmary18 Police my wording if you wish. I was not referencing a poster, but Jayanna's friend. I stand by my post, obnoxious was not referencing or unkind to Jayanna.

I do know what my DDs would think of such behaviour and what they have done about such behaviour. It was a cautionary bit, no more no less.

As with any other post, ignore what doesn't suit you.

She is clearly OTT and somewhat unaware of others viewpoints or the impact of her choices/behaviours on others ....thats not helpful but "obnoxious" seems a rather OTT description! Jayanna I wonder if she needs to be asked why she thinks her daughter is withdrawing ? If she says she has no idea then ask her she would feel if someone (describe one of her actions ) did that to her and she was left to deal with the outcome ....she seems to need help to recognise her own impact on others. I had a friend like that and did what I described above, with her ...it was hard and she struggled to listen but I persevered reach time an issue arose and things have improved ...and we are still in touch

Where did Jayanna state that her friend's behaviour was 'obnoxious.'
Rather OTT I agree, but I doubt Jayanna would remain friends with her if she was truly obnoxious.

I agree with Bibbity "The problem now is they've already started to reach their limits so as far as they're concerned there's no compromising. She has to do what they tell her. She needs to do damage control."

Her obnoxious behaviour has gone so OTT, she needs to pull back, shut herself down.

oops that should have been hopefully.

Well it may not be "very big in the whole of life" to you SueSchrip, but these family situations can get out of hand and Jayanna is obviously worried that her friends situation may escalate.

"What is it she wants from her fully grown children?" to be a part of their lives, to love and support them, to know and love her GC and to be an active and fun to be with GM. I think I must have been transported to another planet when that became a crime.

I agree with Chewbacca it is a good thread and you shouldn't wish you hadn't started it. I think it's wise to wait until a moment presents itself, that way you'll know what to say and hooefully she'll be able to take it on board.

Jayanna9040 Your friend's DiL problem is not very big in the whole of life. From what you say she sees her son twice a year and her daughter even more than that. What is it she wants from her fully grown children? It's a pity she's annoying, but you aren't her conscience. You're a good friend not ghosting.

A gentle way could be suggesting that she approach her children and say she's struggling to get suitable presents for Birthday/Christmas and could they please make a suggestion.
Then she buy that one item on those occasions only.
That way she's proving that she's respecting them and following their rules.
The problem now is they've already started to reach their limits so as far as they're concerned there's no compromising. She has to do what they tell her. She needs to do damage control.

You started a good thread*Jayanna*, it's not your fault at all that it got hijacked by a poster with ulterior motives and a weird agenda. You sound like a good friend and I hope your pal manages to come to some sort of balance of showing her enthusiasm for her family and balancing it with their needs for privacy. I, personally, am not estranged from my children's families but, my goodness, I've learnt a great deal from reading the threads on estrangement and I'm grateful to all those who have posted on here, and shared their experiences.

Oh wish I hadn't started this. She is a brilliant friend who has supported me through all kinds of trials and sometimes I have been really glad of her whirlwind approach that just carried me along with it. I don't really care if she weeds my garden, not really. I just wondered if being up front and, let's face it, critical of her would be hurtful but better in the long run. Instead of just being soothing and sympathetic. But thank you to everyone that gave me thoughtful considered answers. Think I'll just hope a good moment arises for me to say maybe it's because.......... Cowards way out I know.

I thought that too Fairy . It's about 48 hours too late.

It's a shame that this GN message didn't appear when 'a certain person' was making obvious insulting jibes at estranged parents on a support thread.

I very much doubt that anyone unfortunate to come across your posts would wish to be considered a member of your fan club DaisyDog.

Chewbaccaperhaps that is the point, an overriding urge to be unpleasant and unkind.

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