My daughter is getting married in May. She and her fiancé have been together for nine years and have owned their own home for quite some time. Consequently they are footing much of the bill themselves, with donations from family for specific items. They decided that apart from the bridal party, it is to be a child-free wedding and made that clear, very politely on the invitation. Quite a few of their friends with children had previously indicated that they rather liked child-free invites as it gave them a rare opportunity to let their hair down. Today my husband (who is my daughter's stepfather) received a text from his daughter saying 'What? No X and Y being invited to the wedding??' My husband doesn't see anything wrong with not inviting small children to weddings and is trying to remain out of the argument, but I can see this blowing up into a family row and as always I will be caught in the crossfire. My children are not particularly close to their step-siblings and only see them very occasionally. However they do tend to have very differing views on things and the referendum last year was an example of this. I really don't want ill feeling on what should be a happy occasion and possible repercussions down the years ahead. I could do with a few tips on how best to handle this without making the situation worse.
However - my other grandson aged 15 months, was entranced during the ceremony, sat in his high chair at the reception, stuffed his face, and was as good as gold.
One of those family scenarios where you know it will cause dissent but can do nothing about it because it's not your call. I'd be inclined to keep my thoughts to myself and refer on to the bride and groom. They may change their joint minds if it gets uncomfortable enough.
From my experience small children under 3 don't enjoy weddings and neither do their parents while trying to cope with them.
I have a photo of my daughter and son in law with my then 2 year old grandson, taken at a family wedding. The parents look so tired and we all remember it well for all the wrong reasons. Grandson was so not in his comfort zone and exhausted us all. I don't think any child likely to scream and disrupt procedings belongs at a wedding.
It is your DD`s wedding and she can be as unkind as she likes on her special day . I would think that this will cause a rift which will never be truly mended but she must not like her SS very much in the first place , am I right?
I would not get involved if I was you , just say that there is nothing you can do about it and for her to speak to her Step sister . It sounds as if there is no love lost anyway .
The invite said small children would be bored and the parents could enjoy a child free weekend.
See, THAT'S what I find rude, not the no kids part, it's the people who say "no kids as a favour to you " 
- I find it so patronising, it's also not true, couples who don't want kids do so for selfish reasons, and that's absolutely FINE! but be honest and upfront about it "look! this is what we want! it's one day and I hope you can share it with us!"
It does nobody any favours
If I had a kid who got bored at weddings (I don't! they love them!) I'ld try to make arrangements for them to not come off my own bat!
If I want "to let my hair down", I'll get a babysitter at a time that suits me and my babysitter.
etc
It's up to the bride and groom who they invite but I do think weddings should be a family occasion, including children. Last year my niece had a no child wedding. My grandchildren were upset as they love weddings and, at 8 and 10, are plenty old enough both to sit quietly and stay up in the evening. The invite said small children would be bored and the parents could enjoy a child free weekend. If they had allowed children in the family there would only have been my 2 and 2 others - not many.
My Daughter did this at her wedding & consequently hardly any of the family came, however, we all had a great time and therefore no one was missed
Bride and groom's decision is how you answer this, I think.
However, DS and DDil had a lot of friends and family with small children and babies and said everyone was welcome to bring their little ones. It was an outdoor wedding with a barbecue and plenty of space. Toys were provided. And everyone, including the little ones, had a lovely time. It made the day really special and most of us oldies helped out with the children. The older ones so enjoyed the evening dancing. They added to the relaxed and Happy atmosphere. The photos are just so lovely and informal. A joy to look back on.
Agree with other posters, though, just don't get involved!
The only children being invited are those that are part of the bridal party, ie bridesmaid & pages. As they have 2 adult bridesmaids that makes 6 attendants. Why should they feel obliged to have more just to keep less close family happy?
If its a no child wedding it should be just that - no exceptions, otherwise feeling will be hurt.
Our daughter invited all the children of relatives and friends - there were a lot there of all ages, and they were no trouble at all. There were age appropriate '' party bags' on the tables at the reception with bubble mixture, crayons, small books and toys etc to keep them amused. Nothing expensive. And a side room was set aside with some games and a tv with some DVDs but hardly any of them used it - they mostly wanted to be with their parents. We considered a nanny but thought it would be too expensive. Fun was had by all. Most with young children didnt stay late for obvious reasons.
But in this case the decision has been made which is fine, except there ARE some children there!! Close Family only seems to be reasonable, but to exclude step siblings /cousins seems very tactless.
But I agree that your only option is to keep out of it and let them sort it out between them - unless the bride and groom ask for your opinion......
If a bride and groom choose to host an 'adults only' wedding, their guests should respect those wishes and make appropriate child care arrangements in advance. Where children are part of the wedding party, participation is usually limited to the marriage ceremony and photographer sessions ONLY. Some wedding couples are willing to pay for a child sitter(or two) along with snacks and play activities, so the little flower girls and ring bearers can be busy and happy (away from the adult reception area) for the remainder of the day or evening.
Surely if you know someone well enough to invite them to your wedding you know them well enough to ask that they remove any 'disruptive'children from the service /speeches ?
I have been to two recent weddings One had the bride's best friend's little girl (18m)as a flower girl .We all found it vastly amusing when her daddy whipped her into the side vestry and emerged with her resplendent in a white frock just as bride arrived .The only time she played up was when her mum went up to sing a solo and she wasnt allowed to join her. Again daddy took her into the vestry
At a friend's daughter's wedding her 9m nephew was entrusted to his aunt as her brother and his wife were part of the bridal party .Aunt took him into the porch during the service.His grandparents took over at the reception and he was as good as gold ,entertaining the 'old ladies' on his table
My daughters are reaching the age when a lot of their friends are having children. I would be horrified if they were excluded from any family wedding we were involved in .
I'm afraid I do think your DD is being very thoughtless towards her stepsister even if they are not best buddies and I would have to tell her so were she my daughter as I would quite honestly be ashamed of her ....
DD2 and SiL went to a no children wedding last week and I had a lovely weekend with grandchildren. The no children invitation does seem to be more common now, just wondering if step grandchildren shouldn't have been invited though, these situations do resonate down the years, I only found out a couple of years ago that somebody thought I had sided with someone else over a bridesmaid issue 40 years ago, in truth I knew nothing about the situation at that time.
Defnotnanny I truly feel for you, but you will only be in the crossfire if you choose to be.
We are in the same situation with an upcoming family wedding. My response is, and has been from the outset, it's their wedding and, especially as they are footing the bill, it is down to them who they have at their wedding. IMHU, If people can't come to a wedding and be happy for the couple, then they should stay away. It seems that some people have a hard time accepting that not everything is about them.
I hope the wedding goes well.
100% agree with thatbags.
We have a family wedding this year- no children.
We will have to accept it but it seems such a shame, in days gone by a wedding signified that Families became linked and surely families include children?
We- the grooms side of the family are very close even tho' we don't live near each other we have always tried to have all inclusive family get togethers a couple of times a year.
Because this wedding is quite a long way from quite a few of us, the venue doesn't have a spare room.(we did think that we could take it in turns to look after them) and ,in my DD's case their baby sitters, us!, are going they have refused the invite as have others on my DN side of the family.
Just seems sad?
But if B&G don't consider step siblings that close it's not really going to cause any rift because they won't be effected by any lack of contact :/
Also I would never have forked out for a room or nanny to host children I didn't want at my wedding! What a ridiculous waste of money.
Surely a better way would have been to invite them and their children, but stress that if the children kicked up they should be removed to the 'other room' so they did not spoil the wedding or the speeches? No-one would have been upset about that. Now they have caused a lot of unnecessary hurt feelings.
When my DD married some years ago,when we drew up the guest list there were 19 children! We had a limit of 80 guests,so it was decided not to invite the children. Only one couple refused to accept for this reason, the rest were happy to arrange childcare.
Well I think they have caused more than hurt feelings! It will highlight who they think are 'family' and who they do not. It will create a family rift if you ask me. No need for it either. They probably didn't want children to see their parents being silly or getting drunk, but most people aren't like that. They obviously have not thought through the consequences.
If I were in your position I would keep out of the argument, and even decide not to go at all. If they only want their friends to be there it is up to them, but imo they are being really selfish. No wonder the step-families are upset.
I didn't want certain people, who were friends of my parents not me, at my wedding, but they came anyway. After all you don't have to mix with them do you?
A room set aside for the children sounds like a good solution to me.
It really wasn't that expensive - around £80 for the day ten years ago
Just one Nanny? Must have been older kids then! Insurance wouldn't cover just one professional child carer for a room full of smaller kids.
We solved this for daughter's wedding. The venue set aside a separate room and we hired a Nanny from a child care agency. The children had a great, fun day with her. The parents all enjoyed their child free day and knew their offspring g were close by. It really wasn't that expensive - around £80 for the day ten years ago. Found the Agency on Google.
It's up to the bride and groom who they invite and that has to be respected.
if the step sibling previously considered themselves as close as family with the B&G, they're not being unreasonable to feel upset to find out they're not if the cut-off is "family children only"
Of course it's gutting to find out so blatently that you're not as close to someone as you thought you were
If the step sibling didn't consider themselves close to the B&G they wouldn't be bothered about the invite would they?
It's not all or nothing at all. This is her DD wedding
Clearly she does not class her step sibling in the same light as her biological sibling.
For many of us a step sibling is the same as a neighbour or distant cousin whom we see on special occasions.
I would give my 3rd cousin special treatment at my wedding so why would I a step sibling?
Just because OP and her DH decided to blend families doesn't mean the children did.
Do as your DH is doing - stay out of it.
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