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Wedding minefield

(94 Posts)
defnotnanny Tue 31-Jan-17 15:12:22

My daughter is getting married in May. She and her fiancé have been together for nine years and have owned their own home for quite some time. Consequently they are footing much of the bill themselves, with donations from family for specific items. They decided that apart from the bridal party, it is to be a child-free wedding and made that clear, very politely on the invitation. Quite a few of their friends with children had previously indicated that they rather liked child-free invites as it gave them a rare opportunity to let their hair down. Today my husband (who is my daughter's stepfather) received a text from his daughter saying 'What? No X and Y being invited to the wedding??' My husband doesn't see anything wrong with not inviting small children to weddings and is trying to remain out of the argument, but I can see this blowing up into a family row and as always I will be caught in the crossfire. My children are not particularly close to their step-siblings and only see them very occasionally. However they do tend to have very differing views on things and the referendum last year was an example of this. I really don't want ill feeling on what should be a happy occasion and possible repercussions down the years ahead. I could do with a few tips on how best to handle this without making the situation worse.

Christinefrance Tue 31-Jan-17 15:29:11

It's up to your daughter and her fiance who they invite to their wedding. I think the no children rule is fine providing there are no exceptions.
It's their day to celebrate how they wish to, I think others should see it that way too.

Ana Tue 31-Jan-17 15:35:35

Not sure what you mean by 'apart from the bridal party'?

Agree with Christinefrance though, it's up to the couple how they want their wedding to be, the best thing you can do is to refuse to be drawn into any arguments about it.

grannypiper Tue 31-Jan-17 15:43:05

Your StepDaughter has had plenty of notice and should either like or lump it

jusnoneed Tue 31-Jan-17 15:53:01

I think your hubby needs to talk to his daughter, it shouldn't be down to you just because he doesn't want to get involved.

ginny Tue 31-Jan-17 16:25:04

I don't think you or your DH should have to be the ones to listen or talk to those who don't like the idea. The bride and groom are the ones to explain their wishes. To be honest most young children are not interested in a wedding and only see t it as a party and seem to spend most of the time sliding across the dance floor !

defnotnanny Tue 31-Jan-17 16:33:55

Sorry Ana - the bridal party consists of two adult bridesmaids, (my elder daughter and the groom's sister) and the bride's 3 nephews and 1 niece, aged from 2 - 5 (the children of my elder daughter and of my son) whom she loves dearly and knows very well. It may well be like herding cats on the day and to throw more information into the mix, I guess I am in the bridal party too, as I am giving my daughter away. So, Christinefrance, there are no exceptions for my stepdaughter to be offended by, but offended I think she is.

ninathenana Tue 31-Jan-17 16:57:38

Why do people think they have a say in other peoples weddings.
My half sister and her husband never spoke to my brother after he and his bride declared 'no children' at their wedding. My half sister's C were 5 and 7 at the time. Their father's stance was "if you don't want my children, you don't want me" My brother was upset as he'd always spoilt the children.
Sad situation. I hope defnotnanny's family can sort this ammicably.

Izabella Tue 31-Jan-17 16:59:36

So there ARE exceptions then as per the bridal party. 😉

Ana Tue 31-Jan-17 17:01:08

So it's just the wedding reception and evening 'do' that children aren't invited to? confused

Ana Tue 31-Jan-17 17:05:10

Yes, I can see that your stepdaugher might be a bit miffed that her children haven't even been considered for roles in the bridal party.

But there again, it's the couple's decision and it's final. You can't do any more.

rosesarered Tue 31-Jan-17 17:42:34

DD1 didn't want any children at her wedding and we had to respect it, but privately I thought it was mean as there would only have been two well behaved ones, of close family.
In the end though, it's their wedding.

kittylester Tue 31-Jan-17 17:49:29

It seems to me that an exception could be made for the children of step siblings too. It doesn't seem very kind as you are married and are, therefore, a blended family. Itcould lead to years of discord in the family and potentially involve you and your husband in the future.

Grannyben Tue 31-Jan-17 20:09:43

It's the bride and groom's day so what they say goes. However, you are saying that the bride has 3 nephews and 1 niece from her full siblings who are going and are playing a part in the day but, her step siblings 2? Children have been excluded. That does seem slightly unfair.
Can I ask how long you have all been family? If it is quite recent perhaps it's understandable they haven't been invited but if they have been step siblings for a number of years your husband's daughter may have felt quite close.

Araabra Tue 31-Jan-17 20:17:49

Your SD can get glad in the same knickers she got mad in. OH could ask her to quit the argument.

ninathenana Tue 31-Jan-17 21:10:07

Araabra I've never heard that saying before.

Bibbity Tue 31-Jan-17 21:51:44

You're not in he muddle at all. You have no power over the couples choice.
I had a very select few children at my wedding but had a no children rule on the invites.
It was my choice.
Your SD can get over it or not attend.
I would bet money on it not effecting the married couples day in any way at all.

Faye Wed 01-Feb-17 01:56:16

I think it's a different matter to not invite children of friends and distant relatives, people do understand why the children of close family are invited and their children are not. I also find it odd when young babies are not allowed to be at a wedding.

I find it a bit sad that your DD is not inviting the two children of her step sibling, your step GC, but is including your other GC in the bridal party. I would be very hurt if I was your DSD, and think you could mention to your DD that it seems very unfair that some of the children in your family are included and others aren't.

suzied Wed 01-Feb-17 04:53:30

My sisiter's two children haven't spoken for over 15 years now, since her daughter's children weren't invited to her son's wedding. It's definitely a minefield. But I agree, if some children of the family are going and others aren't I can understand why SD is upset. Would it be such a big deal if they went along? But, not your choice I agree.

thatbags Wed 01-Feb-17 06:39:10

The only way not get caught in the cross fire is not to engage with complainers. Just say, it's not your place to comment and they should take it up with your daughter and her partner. If they bang on about it, keep saying it's not your place to comment.

grannypiper Wed 01-Feb-17 08:19:41

suzied maybe it would be a big deal just maybe the SD's children are not well behaved. Just because 2 mature people get married it doesnt mean the "joining" of 2 families, my adult children and my DH children dont have a relationship, we live so far away from our broods that although they all live within a couple of miles of each other they have no contact. Its not that they dont like each other its that there is an age gap.

annehinckley Wed 01-Feb-17 10:20:32

Completely agree with thatbags.

Gassafepaul Wed 01-Feb-17 10:21:30

My sister didn't want any children to her wedding so myself and my wife choose not to go as I felt the children are just as important .after it caused so many problems after for many years .there now devoiced.

DotMH1901 Wed 01-Feb-17 10:22:46

Unless they are paying for the wedding then I don't see why anyone should expect to have a say in who is invited or not. And it isn't your decision but that of the happy couple so I would not get involved in any discussions but refer them back to the couple themselves to deal with - a simple 'Sorry, but not my decision to make' response is called for I think.

Jan51 Wed 01-Feb-17 10:24:13

My DD is getting married in June and they are doing the same. The only children will be those involved in the ceremony. They are all close family, her son as ring bearer and nephews and nieces of the couple as bridesmaids/pageboys and 2 older nephews as ushers.