Wedding minefield

I disagree notanan. I think sd was very wrong to speak to her father about this. Too much chance of causing tension between him and his own sd. If she needed to vent about this, she could have talked to her dh or her bff.

I do agree that the bride may be causing a tear in the relationship that she can't heal. But she may not care.

Maybe dd does not see sd as "family?" This may hurt sd, but would a fake show of family feeling be better?

Maybe she doesn't, but she needs to be prepared for this statement of "not family" to be permanant, SD would not be unreasonable to remember this stance in future!
SD is not unreasonable to be upset, especially if she thought she was closer to the bride than the bride clearly feels towards her
SD is not unreasonable to speak to her own father about feeling upset about the situation, she is unreasonable if she asks him to act on it though.

No, the bride doesn't have to fake feelings towards the SD for the sake of peace, but if you do make a very clear statement/message like this, accept that it may be hard or impossible to ever take back in the future.

There may be a rift as a result but not your fault. Sd and dd are both adults and should be able to handle their differences. If not, oh well, they are not close, anyway, according to you.

Maybe dd does not see sd as "family?" This may hurt sd, but would a fake show of family feeling be better?

I agree with pps who said it's up to the bride and groom, period. Sd should not have called her dad, as if he has some say in the matter - he doesn't. Neither you or he should LET yourselves get "caught in the crossfire." Just let sd know you have no say. If she has any questions, she needs to ask dd.

We have had a complete family breakdown over a wedding invite; one son's children were invited, the others weren't. The bride could not give us any explanation except that she saw one cousin more than the other. It needs sorting before the day otherwise you risk the mayhem that has happened in my family.

I hate weddings!!!!!(angry)

Very difficult. I got married last year. The reception was not at all what I wanted, due to the vast amount of children on my husband's side of the family - they all played games in the garden. They enjoyed it, but I ignored it and talked to my family (all four of them).

If there are a lot of children to include, it can bump up the cost considerably, and most people who aren't loaded will surely understand that.

My dd had a lot of children at her wedding, but then we were extremely lucky in having a lovely big venue to use for free, with loads of outdoor space for them to run around in. However some couples did choose to leave their children at home anyway.
If we'd had to pay to hire such a venue, as well as for the food, booze, and everything else, I'm quite sure the guest list would have been considerably shorter, with only close-family children included.

As for babies, I think it's a shame to exclude them - it may often mean that the mother of a breast fed baby simply can't come. However parents should understand that a crying baby should swiftly be removed from the ceremony or the speeches.
Unfortunately some parents can't or won't appreciate this, and I dare say it's previous experience of a ceremony being marred by wailing, that makes some couples say a blanket no babies.

If you can afford it it's nice to invite everyone but it's so terrible expensive these days. I imagine it's the cost but doesn't bode well for future relationships if you miss family members out. Could be Better to invite two more rather than create problems for yourselves in future. Even though we were paying half the cost of our sons wedding with the couple we were restricted to the numbers of our friends and family we could invite. I think there were only 18 of us from our side in the end. Weddings are a big problem but you have to try and be fair. If you are not involved in the cost then just say it's not your call but I would still mention it to your daughter.
All Family members should be invited - half siblings and their children are the same as full siblings really unless they absolutely hate each other. Good luck with it - we are on our fourth sons wedding this Sept. Going quite smoothly so far!!! No children except siblings children and their own.

I'm really shocked how many child free weddings there seem to be around now, they certainly seem to be getting more commonplace.
As others have said, surely weddings are all about the coming together of two families, and that includes children! I love seeing children running around enjoying themselves at weddings.
My DIL is Sikh and they have really big family weddings where absolutely everyone is invited. They have said to me "of course children aren't welcome at English weddings" - I have always denied it, but perhaps they are right! I find it very sad and another symptom of the "me" society.

What a minefield. So some children are going and others are not. Difficult to say the least. Stay out of it and say its not my call its the bride and grooms call, which it is. We also had a no children policy at our wedding, it was so we could all enjoy ourselves and let our hair down for one night. We also could not afford to have all the children there anyway. Things were a bit tight on the budget side at the time. Mixed message with this one though with some children going and not others. But, its the bride and grooms call here.

I would definitely refer any comments to Bride & Groom as they're paying for the Wedding.

I'm not sure why SD is creating a fuss if her children are not part of the Bridal Party, perhaps that is the problem. Step children often don't get on particularly well, my DD & her SB have not spoken for years & never really liked each other.

A Wedding should be what the B & G want not what any-one else thinks they should have.

That sounds lovely anno
I like to see children at weddings as I like children.

Notanan - five little ones aged 1-3 and of course insurance implications looked into. Professional and approved agencies have all this in place. Just trying to help.

Sorry - in that third line GS3 should, of course, be GS2.

At my niece's wedding, when it came to the disco, my GS1, then 4, fell asleep and slumbered on lying across two chairs; GS3, 7 months, sat in his buggy and bounced up and down in time to the music; GS3, not quite 3, had a fine time 'dancing' for hours. All three had been good as gold during the service. Two GDs 15 and 5 were attendants and, especially the younger one, played a big part - she insisted in being in on the signing of the register and holding the bride's hand as she and the groom walked back down the aisle.

I agree with your daughter. I'm from a big family and love children but, the day belongs to the bride and groom and everyone should respect their wishes. Not everyone can afford to include loads of kids. I assume the 'bridal party' is bridesmaids and pageboys but, even if not, it's THEIR decision. Your stepdaughter should grow up. I'd just keep out of it, it's one day!

When my sister married no children so my husband and I went to the church and then home. When my son married they had no children for church and meal but children allowed in evening. Worked very well. It was their choice it was their wedding

It is up to the bride and groom, but I think weddings should be inclusive family affairs. If young people want to let their hair down they should just have a party. But again, it all depends on the bride and groom.

Simply tell her to see them about it. It is NOT up to you. It is NOT your wedding and you aren't paying for it. Refuse to be drawn and close the subject down.

Each additional person cost additional money, perhaps paying for children ruining the event is not what the couple want to do with their money.

I had a child free wedding. I certainly wasn't going to the expense of nannies, booking a room, toys etc. I didn't even know that was a thing!
Your daughter isn't close to her step siblings, so she probably won't care if she's offended or not.
Any questions, refer them to the bride and groom.

(the 30% have all incidentally been child free weddings, even though I haven't been invited to a child free one since having children myself! I just enjoyed them less even though I didn't have children at the time.. but that's okay it was the B&Gs day. They can have what they want, so long as they don't pretend it's to do me favours when it's not!)

Have to confess many parents came to me later and said it was great and they had a fab time

Most people are polite though innit?
I've gushed about every wedding I've been to to the B&G, I mean it about 70% of the time..

I had a child free wedding many years ago. At first it was gently queried and I just stuck it out again gently. Have to confess many parents came to me later and said it was great and they had a fab time. I even had my godson and OH little niece as flower girl & page boy and they were ushered away pre reception by previous agreed arrangement, of course. Go for it bride and groom! Have whatever you both want. You'll never make everybody happy.

My son & DIL wanted a child free wedding but said children were welcome at the evening reception. Most guests were happy with this with the exception of the brides Aunt who kicked up a storm about her grandchildren not being invited. They refused to attend the wedding (6 off them) and haven't spoken to the family since. It's over four years ago now.